I need some advice on diagnosing what I am going through, which I think is either some kind of depression or some kind of weird thing. So, most of the time I feel what are commonly referred to as symptoms of depression: I feel sad, I want to be alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, a general attitude of "What's the point?" in everything I do, including living, and sometimes I am really irritable. I am just always feeling empty. Sometimes I feel like I have a sort of emotional paralysis; I don't care too much of the good or bad things that happen to people, and sometimes I'll bluntly tell them (if they are talking to me) I don't care (though not usually, most of the time I'll just pretend I care.) On the other hand, there are times where I will get excessively teary over something like small things or very irritated over small things.
There are other times in which I will feel happy and cheerful and be very outgoing. This is often when I will make friends and get people to like me. However, even during these happy times, I don't want to be happy. In a way, it's as if I disliked being happy and just wanted to go back to being sad. I often bully myself (Weird?) into being sad because I really don't want to feel happy at all (Kind of hard to explain, lol). These feelings also result in my not wanting any friends, because I don't think I deserve them, so I'll isolate myself and not talk to them, making them think I am being rude to them.
I guess a short way to describe these feelings would be: I am a pessimist toward myself because I tell myself I am useless and worthless, but I am an optimist for everyone else because I feel they are all better than me and can do anything they set their mind to. I have nothing to live for really, and I don't care too much about
my future or finding a wife (which I constantly tell myself every day will never happen, since I am not worth being loved). But I don't want to die either, because it will invoke feelings of sadness or anger in people that I really feel aren't worth their time.
I think I should also mention that, I isolate myself from everyone, both friends and family. I try to let them know as little as possible about
my personal life, as it bothers me greatly if they know anything about
me, so they don't know I feel any of this, and I don't want them to know. I should also note that, I don't consider people my friends, more like acquaintances, lol.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/19/2011 7:29:43 AM (GMT-6)