Hello everyone. Currently, I'm in Japan studying abroad. Sounds amazing, right? I think so too, but the reality is I'm just really depressed for some reason (which angers me, how could I be depressed in such an amazing country like Japan, I don't understand!). It's not the country that is causing these signs of depression, however, it's the situation that I'm in combined with my previous history of depression (which I thought went away, however, I guess I'm wrong...)
My situation: Coming to Japan, I never thought I would be really upset for feeling alone; There are other international students here as well so why should I feel so alone? However, little to my knowledge, I am the only American in this University and I JUST started learning Japanese. I had no prior experience learning Japanese. Therefore, the other international students who came already have 2-3 years of prior Japanese experience so they are put into separate, more advanced classes, while I am left every single class by myself. The other international students have amazing Japanese skills already and can converse with local Japanese students and make friends easily, while I'm the only one who can't speak conversational Japanese and is left to not make much friends because you can't make friends if you can't speak to them. Consequently, I've been doing mostly everything alone (granted, a few random excursions with English majors). I go explore alone, I study alone, I eat alone. It sucks! I really want someone here I can relate with, who is going through the same thing as me but it's just me here! I feel so awful sometimes. I feel like I should just crawl in my bed and just not go outside. In addition, I've been procrastinating with the language because every time I try to learn I think this is impossible I can't possibly do this! I hate so much how easily I give up and how easily I defeat myself. It's true that I am my worst enemy. But, I don't know what I would do with myself if I was back at home- I don't want to go back at home! Ah, I feel so lost inside and I don't know what to do anymore! Traveling has been a dream for me! Why must I feel like this? Why is my life so unorganized right now? Why do I put off doing things? I know it screws me over, but I keep doing it? Being here, I'm just completely shutting myself off. Sometimes, I just want to scream or I just want to go out and drink so I can forget all these emotions I'm going through! I feel like exploding, I don't know why! Can anyone offer some good advice? thanks..
In addition, I haven't talked to anyone about
this. It's been pretty built up depression. I am way too afraid to tell people I'm depressed. It seems like such irony to me. In an amazing country and depressed, I don't want my family and friends to know this!
Post Edited (tkeen) : 10/19/2011 6:42:06 PM (GMT-6)