I don't even know anymore...

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/20/2011 1:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi.

Sorry I've posted like a million times in the last few days. I just don't know what else to do. I'm in a city 2,800 miles away from most of my family. I came here to "live", but have found that my depression has only gotten worse. I have family in this city, but I've been ignoring them. I feel like they think I'm selfish and rude, but really - if they knew how bad I felt - I just wish I could tell people how depressed I am. I feel like such a burden on everybody. My cousin is getting married next weekend, so my parents and my sister are flying in. They're going to help me move apartments, but part of me wants to run home with my tail between my legs. I'm unemployed again. I have no reason to stay in this city other than my boyfriend, who will probably leave me anyway. Sorry I'm rambling. I don't know what to do because I've gotten so bad that I can't take care of myself. I saw a spider yesterday and didn't kill it. I just drank some beer and went to bed. Now I'm terrified because my apartment is not that big, so I know it's lurking somewhere. Ugh. What is wrong with me?! I know about psychomotor retardation and everything, but this is horrendous. I talked to my sister on the phone which always makes me feel 100x worse. It's past noon and I have no plans to get dressed or shower or do anything. It's awful. I don't want to eat anymore. I don't deserve food. My biggest issue is that my clothes don't fit anyway. I've been so lazy that even though I'm not eating, I'm gaining weight. I want to go home. I told myself I would sign a 6-month lease and stay in this city to see if I could make it, but I don't want to. I just want to go home and get healthy. But that would mean leaving behind a boy I love. I need to learn how to be an adult, I can't just go running home because I'm depressed. I just have to deal with it now. None of this is fair to my parents and I feel like a horrible daughter. On an unrelated note, I'm also freaking out because I invited the boy to the wedding. I RSVP'd and said I was bringing him, but my sister just told me that was totally not OK. Awkward? No one in my family has met him, because I've been avoiding them. Awkward. Stressful. I don't even care about being happy anymore. I don't deserve to be happy. I just want to be healthy. I just want my boyfriend to not leave me. I want to be loved. I hate myself right now, and all I do is complain when I hang out with my boyfriend. I always feel so stressed out and depressed. Would 6 months really kill me? I feel like even easy things are really hard right now. I don't have a job. I don't have money. My parents are helping me out. I feel like I should go home instead of pretending I'm happy here. I just don't want to leave the boyfriend. He's the only good thing in my life right now. Which I realize this is not a healthy thing to say AT ALL but it's how I'm feeling. If he left me, I would have nothing. That feels pretty terrible. HELP!!!

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 10/20/2011 2:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi BlueMoon 878, and welcome to the Depression Forum,

Here are some ideas which you might think about for helping yourself:

1. Realize that you have "too many eggs in one basket": that is, you're putting too much of your life into the love for this one boy who cares for you.  You might wish to cool it just a little with him to give yourself more independence and more opportunity to meet new people as friends, as well.

2. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist to go in and talk to him about your depression and ask for the proper medications for you to take while you are trying to get the chemical balance restored properly. (That's very
important for your improvement in feeling tone.)

3. Take a hot shower and put on clean, pressed clothes and go to the nearest bookstore and purchase a book on Self-esteem. Your level of self-esteem is low right now probably because of the depression. Buy also a
manual on cognitive behavioral therapy, which will help you to challenge the negative thinking of depression and substitute positive thinking and acting.  It will be easier to do, however, after you go on medication to relieve the chemical imbalance.

4. Preview and buy a paperback on manners. Your sister's rebuff of your effort to invite your boyfriend was perfectly within her right. The invitation was to you, not to him. That means you might go if you wish, but don't go if you wish to take a guest--no other person except you was invited on your invitation. That is something that should not depress you; it should make you feel honored that you are considered important enough to be at the occasion.

4. Consider avoiding alcohol or coffee or anything else that has caffeine in it, because those two make depression worse. Don't use the diet sodas because the artificial sweeteners are not good for your emotional status right now, and they may be loaded with caffeine. Chocolate has a similar effect as caffeine; so does tea.

5. Do some soul-searching about what you want in your life: my guess is that the answer is going to be happiness, and that's something that can come to you when the things in your life are in balance. That means
enough love, comfort, money, healthy friends, family, and self-interest to care for how well you are treated and how you treat yourself. You must treat yourself as important and worthy of good care. The little child within you (and each of us has one) will be very appreciative of what you're doing to help keep her content and secure, and it's all going to come from your effort to help her know that all is well for your adult in you. 
 
5. Keep in touch here and let us know what we can do to help you.

There are answers to this, and you deserve to have a content and happy life.

Take care.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 10/20/2011 4:18:12 PM (GMT-6)


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/20/2011 3:16 PM (GMT -6)   
1. This is what I'm afraid of. I don't want to put all my eggs in the same basket. I just can't help it because I'm so depressed. He makes me happy. But you're right, it's totally dysfunctional. I see him once a week and totally lose it whenever he's not here.

2. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow at 9 a.m. I've tried drugs, and they've either not worked or done really horrible things to me. I was on Lithium, but I stopped because it made me ill and it made my skin terrible. I still haven't recovered.

3. Taking a shower is really hard right now. I know it sounds horrible, but I can't even get myself to get showered or get dressed. I took a book out of the library on Sunday about depression. I've been sort of reading it, and it's scary how accurate it is. Not sure it's going to help.

4. Even if inviting him was wrong, it's done. I RSVP'd and said I'd be bringing him, and no one told me not to. I realize how selfish this sounds, but I wasn't thinking straight. It's going to be awkward and I guess I just have to deal with that. I just really hate that my sister harps on things I can't change. Blech.

5. I'm not eating much of anything, so cutting caffeine isn't really a problem and kind of makes sense. Although, I am tempted to use alcohol to cope...

6. I'm doing really bad at this whole living on my own thing. I don't have a life, and soul-searching just makes me bawl my eyes out. I just really need to talk to my psychiatrist.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 10/20/2011 4:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, talking to your psychiatrist is very important and very helpful.

Hope it goes well and you consider trying some of his suggestions for
your life.

Take care.

I.G.

2coolcookie
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 54
   Posted 10/20/2011 4:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bluemoon878,
These are all good suggestions to help you get out of the dark place that you're in but you can't do it alone. I am struggling to get healthy my self and have had many days when I couldn't shower or do anything but my therapist told me to talk myslef through things. Turning the negative thoughts around will make a big difference. I was very nervous about volunteering today but I kept telling myself I could do it even if I felt crappy. Once I got there the anxiety seemed to subside. Being around people will help lift your mood even if its hard to do.
The eating thing is still hard since I have no appetite but small things that are soft are good. Even soup or broth. You need to build up your strength.
Do small things that you like to do. I like crafts but am having a hard time being creative but I decided to cut out some leaves for the preschool or color. Sounds silly but any small thing to get your mind off the negative thoughts.
The Feeling Good Handbook is a great book for the cognative behavioral therapy. It teaches you to write your thoughts down and then come up with a positive thought for each negative one. Its a great book. Keeping a journal is also helpful. Writing seems to help get the mind in a different place. It helps me a lot.
Remember to reward yourself for the smallest things you accomplish in a day. Even if it is getting out of bed.
The most important thing is to get healthy. You can do it.

cookie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 10/20/2011 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bluemoon,

Try to put yourself in your sister's shoes and realize how special this day is to her. Try to respect that. If you don't think it is a big deal to bring your friend, then take him. But if it is going to upset things, don't.

Try not to drink, that only makes you more depressed. It is a depressant.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/20/2011 8:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry. Should have clarified. It's not my sister's wedding. Our cousin is getting married, and my sister is telling me that she thinks I've been rude to our cousin. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I can't please anyone. I had two long conversations with my parents about moving back home. The only 'pro' I have for staying in the city I'm in right now is my boyfriend. I don't want to leave him. I feel like I'm breaking my own heart.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 10/21/2011 6:13 AM (GMT -6)   
I probably read it wrong and thought it was your sister. But I still think you should work on yourself before you invest your time in a relationship. I am sorry things are so difficult. Too bad you can't see your boyfriend more so you know where you stand in this relationship. Does he want you to stay? Does he even know you have a dilema going on with this? Do you talk to him about it? If you were with him more, do you think you would do more self nurturing for yourself? It seems like a difficult situation for you and I think a professional counselor could help you through this.

I hope that things work out. I can see your problems. But you are most important. So take care of you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/21/2011 11:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Karen. I have talked to him about my dilemma. I'm feeling especially badly because when I talked to him he started bawling. He wants to see where this is going as much as I do, but at the same time I'm really not taking care of myself. Would I if I moved back home? I don't know. Would I instantly be happier if I moved back home? Heck no. I talked to my psychiatrist today. He gave me new medication (Abilify) and basically told me that he thinks I should stay. Now I'm really confused. What if my boyfriend gets the job he wants back east? Then our roles would be reversed and he would be leaving me. The scary thing is that I think he would feel less guilt about leaving me than I would about leaving him because I don't have anything concrete to go home to. He would have a job. It's so much easier to say you're leaving for positive reasons than for negative ones. I want to be successful out here, but I honestly don't know what to do. I spend all my time with him talking about leaving, and now that I actually have the chance I'm waffling because he said he likes me. I see him once a week and I'm unemployed so 6 times out of 7 I'm really depressed. He sees 'weekend me' which I feel like is me pretending to be normal. I don't eat well,, but I stock the fridge before he comes over so I look like I do. I clean before he comes over (most times, but this week I'm feeling particularly useless) so that I look functional. We're nowhere near marriage, obviously, but I don't think he understands how important it is to me that we spend more time together. He told me this story on the phone about two of his friends who are now married who only saw each other on weekends during college, but "made it work". Is this how he sees us? Making it work? He told me last night that he finally feels like we're in a relationship and "not just dating". I'm skeptical because he waited until I threatened to leave to tell me this. If I do go home, tomorrow night would be our last chance to be together alone before I go. I don't want that. I really do care for him, but I am so unhealthy right now I don't know what to do. I know I have to start taking care of myself, I just don't know how. Going home wouldn't necessarily change that, so... do I stay? HELP!
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42285
   Posted 10/21/2011 2:10 PM (GMT -6)   
If your psychiatrist said stay, then try it. Try the abilify. I take it and it has done wonders. Ir doesn't work for everybody though. But it worked for me and gave me a life.

It sounds like he cares about you. Maybe the reason he said that is because he wanted you to know incase you did leave. Hoping it would change your mind. If your parents are paying for this, see what happens. Don't get rehooked up into a long time lease or anything incase things don't work out. But I have high hopes... for the abilify... I guess because it worked for me.

Take it one day at a time. See where that takes you. Don't make any big deciscions right now. Just take it one step at a time.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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