Posted 10/20/2011 5:22 PM (GMT -7)
Depression is not something new for me. I've been dealing with it for roughly 10 years or more. Anxiety has also been a big problem. I was just diagnosed with Chronic Lyme and Mycoplasma Pneumonia and will be starting treatments for those. Depression and anxiety are likely caused by these which would explain why I never responded to antidepressants. Not to mention I have scoliosis, and the Lyme causes a lot of joint pain, chest pain, and breathing problems. I don't think I've gone a day without pain since I was about 6 (had a surgery when I was 7 and had some problems from that, as well). Whenever my stress levels increase, the pain increases.
So I feel like I've hit rock-bottom. I have a BA in psychology and the last 2 years of college were the ONLY times where I felt reasonably well...even happy, despite my health problems. I graduate a year ago and my life has spiraled downward since. My goal was to go to graduate school, but I couldn't afford to apply so I decided to work for a bit. A BA in psych doesn't really teach you to do a whole lot, so I ended up as a retail manager. I get paid dirt. I'm treated like dirt. I hate it, and all I can think about is going back to school. I really want to pursue something marketing/consumer behavior. It is do-able eventually, but for right now I have no motivation to study for the GMAT, or get a second job to make more money, etc. I hate living at home as well. I don't get along well with my parents and they add a whole lot of unnecessary stress, especially about my useless degree and college loans that I am struggling to pay.
I have virtually no coping resources. I have not a single friend at all. The last time I hung out with someone other than a guy I was dating was about 3 years ago. I seriously lack social skills. It's not that I don't know what to say or do, it's just that I feel awkward doing it or I think of the right things after the moment passed, or I have anxiety and well, I'm just pathetic. I can only interact well on a professional level with my associates, but that doesn't lead to friendship.
I'm not dating anyone currently, and due to my depression and anxiety and total lack of social skills the guys I dated weren't the best...just the ones who were bold enough to approach me and win me over, but not necessarily compatible or very nice.
Now I met a guy who I *really* like a lot...at work, of course, and being that I'm in a management role nothing can happen. I have strong reason to believe he likes me as well, but again, I will likely never know. It is really frustrating since that's about the only good feeling I have in my life right now.
So I felt like getting that off of my chest. Not really sure what kind of response I'm looking for, it just felt good to get some of those thoughts out of my head and written down.