I think my girlfriend has depression, but what would I know?

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yorker
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/24/2011 12:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I’m new to this forum. So I’d like to say hi.

I’ve been in my current relationship with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I am 32, she is 27.

When we first met, we fell head over heels in love and remained so for the initial 12-14 months. At approx. the 6 month stage, she shared all of her insecurities and many other dramas that had occurred in her previous relationship that has made her into the person she is today. She also opened up about her father who has been very ill for the past 9-10 years. Nevertheless, I told her I would stand by her forever.

At around 12-14 months, she changed dramatically. Her insecurities took over and she became a very emotional over things that she “thought” I was doing behind her back. (I’ll say it right now, I have NEVER EVER done anything to ruin the relationship. She is everything to me and I love her to bits.). We talked it out on countless occasions and always ended with even more respect for each other. Although, overtime it just seemed to happen over and over again… to the point she would say the absolute worst things possible to me such as ripping my insecurities apart and plenty more. After each of these episodes, she would feel horrible/embarrassed and apologize to me over and over; each time I accepted her apology while but I was starting to think there was something going on in her mind that was very different from “normal”. We researched it online together and we kept getting results on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder); many of her symptoms just seemed to matchup. She found herself a therapist (I offered to go with her) to help her though her thoughts. He did an AMAZING job. After the 3-4 months of her weekly visits, she returned to being the person I fell in love with.

We had a great period in which she learnt how to “catch” her emotions/thoughts/outrages and we would discuss them immediately in an attempt to learn the trigger. We thought we had control… but things changed, much different than before.

Everything started falling apart in a completely different fashion. I couldn’t touch her in anyway, attempting to hug her in bed would result in being shoved off. Sitting too close on the sofa resulting in her getting agitated and telling me I need to stop smothering her and I should go spend time with other people. Her sex drive including ********** completely disappeared (she was a VERY sexual person beforehand) and kissing was dwindled down to a kiss before heading to work if I was lucky. Over this long period, there were a few times we had sex as she felt forced into it as we hadn’t done it in so long, afterwhich she felt guilty/ashamed of herself and pissed off at me. We spoke about these issues on multiple occasions and I comforted her and advised we’ll work it all out and we’ll find a different approach. Months later and we got nowhere, it got worse.

She started pushing me away at an alarming rate, then she’d pull me back in and tell me I meant everything to her would say she understood she was very difficult and loved me for standing by her. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. Obviously this was extremely comforting to me as I finally felt she still loved me. Except the last 2 months she has been pushing more and more. Each time the make-up time was always longer and the pushing more frequent.

I started doing some research on the net and this link hit a nail on the head; it bought tears to my eyes, as did the multiple replies that followed. http://ehealthforum.com/health/pushing-my-boyfriend-away-t233580.html#b

My girlfriend has Depression?

I did the online Depression tests on multiple sites and answered with all the results she had expressed to me over the previous months. All of which came back positive for Depression.

Now what… Over the past week, it’s all come to an end, she’s had enough and wants me to move out. She tells me “we aren’t working”; “I’m a terrible girlfriend and I treat you like sh!t”; “I need to be alone”; “we don’t even have sex, that is not a relationship!!”. She’s serious this time. I tried my hardest not to tell her she had many symptoms of depression, I tried my very hardest to beat around the bush. Finally she broke me and I told her my discoveries. I told her I didn’t want to be her doctor; I just wanted her to search the internet herself. Do some research!! The problem is, she’s DONE.. she won’t listen to me, she won’t research and she wants me to move out by Nov 30 at the latest.

Last night I couldn’t help but breakdown.. I lost it, my emotions took over and the tears flowed more than ever on my behalf. The girl I’m so deeply in love with seems to be in such denial and she’s walking away from what was once the best thing we had ever been in. She cried as she saw my pain, but she will NOT consider researching depression; she just keeps on saying she’s “just not happy” and she “needs to be alone and have her space”.

I look over the multiple loving memories/emails from just last week and the weeks before that… I keep going back to the website mentioned above… she could have written it herself!!!... she told me long ago she would never let previous boyfriends get too close, she would just give-up and walk away to avoid being hurt. She’s not done, she can’t be done. Can she?

Am I sure she has Depression?? I’m not a doctor, how would I know?? Or is our relationship just done?? Am I delusional in thinking we are perfect together minus these outbreaks?? Do I want to think she’s got this illness because I’m scared of the end?? If so, how could that website forum be written as if she wrote it herself??

Help…

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 10/24/2011 2:56 PM (GMT -6)   
She could very well have depression, but that doesn't mean that she wouldn't be leaving you anyway. If she doesn't want to look for help, there isn't a whole lot that you can do about it. Encouraging her to go to counseling, or do coulples counseling, would be great, but that is about all you can do. There is always the chance that she will eventually get help and change her mind. But I wouldn't get my hopes up. I am thinking that you are thinking that she is only acting this way because she is depressed, but from what she is telling you, it doesn't sound so good. The best thing I think you can do is give her the space that she needs. Let her find out for herself how she feels. Hopefully she will come back to you, but there is always that chance she is going to go on with her life. And you should too. You should work on your strengths. Be independant of her. Be able to get on with your life too. I don't mean to sound discouraging, but it doesn't sound like she wants to continue living with you. You have to face that and get on with your life.

I am really very sorry. If I were you, I would go to counseling and learn how to cope with this situation in your own way. We here are not doctors either. So I don't know if she is depressed or not. It sounds like she is irritated, and could be depressed. But if she doesn't want help, there isn't much you can do.

I wish the best for you. I am sorry that you are hurt.

Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 10/24/2011 7:07 PM (GMT -6)   
My opinion, based on your post, is that it is very likely that depression is only part of her issues.

As Karen said though there really is not much you can do, at least at this point, except get on with your life. If in the future she approaches you and wants to try to patch things up and you would like to also, I think I would make it a requirement that she gets individual counseling and also maybe you both can attend couples counseling. Then take things very, very slowly and carefully.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
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