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netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/27/2011 11:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi,
 
I am very angry and upset. I thought life was meant to get better now that i've moved in with dad. Its getting worse. Im doing dumb things more and more. Overdosing and punching walls. I feel like absolute ****!!! I cant be happy no matter how hard i try. Getting agressive at people. Especially those who ask if im ok. Have lost my best mate, because i was a total cow to her because she kept asking me what was up. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive tried alot. Seems it might be time for me to leave? I dont know. So numb inside cry
 
Jess

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 10/28/2011 5:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Don't give up yet Jess, you are just starting to make some progress. I know it doesn't seem like it, but your move to your dad's was huge. So you are going to feel overwhelmed. This is normal. You just have to get use to the new invironment. You need to find an anger management counselor. ONe who will help you quit punching walls and stuff. YOu are doing severe damage to your hand. You continue to punish yourself. That is the wrong person. You don't deserve that. You are a good person and deserve to feel good. Allow yourself that. It really is that easy to be happy. I know it feels hard right now. But if you were to talk to somebody about it, they could help you. It seems you keep everything inside and that isn't good. I truly hope that you feel better soon. I will send you an email soon. I owe you one.

Please seek counseling out. And I am so sorry your nana is down. You have been having to deal with that for a long time and I know it effects you. Remember she is old and she is sick. I hope that you get another chance to see her. She loves you very much.


Take care hon, Keep posting. We are all here for you!!!

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/28/2011 5:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Noooo Jess
this is the right move!!! You did it-I am so proud-it must have been very hard. For many reasons, you do not feel like you deserve to be happy. Most of thos e reasons are back at the other house now, so try to deal with that in a positive manner like a counselor...yes, you will be angry and not like yourself for awhile...this situation did not happen overniter and it will take alittle time to sort out...but you made a huge first step!!!

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 10/28/2011 1:35 PM (GMT 0)   
Hey Jess,

Do you remember when I told you that when you feel safe, emotions that have had to be suppressed for a long time will begin to surface? For someone that has been through what you have, this is a very normal and natural progression and it is part of the process with dealing with the loss and grief you have experienced.

You have started back at school now, how you managed to touch base with the school counsellor? Did Dad end up getting CYF involved as they can provide you with additional support that you will need as you adjust and heal.

The lashing out is only because you don’t know how to process everything and feel over-whelmed, it isn’t a good thing as it is an addictive behaviour, so we need to get you other coping skills that are healthy. I know you have a bad knee at the moment, but are you still able to run? Running probably saved my life when I was your age, when you run, your emotions are far less over-whelming, and you release endorphins (chemicals), which make you feel good for awhile. Instead of punching walls, punch the pillow on the bed till you are exhausted, (this will probably result in tears, which is a good thing too).

I need to remind you, you have done an incredible job and made choices that others around you may never have to make, they are lucky, but it also means, some will not understand as they can’t relate, this is when the strength you carry within is going to have to be the one person you can rely on, you, and your counsellor, not many kids your age have any idea what to do and say, they can’t help that, it’s not their fault, they are very lucky. This is one of the components that you are going to have to learn, the best person that can look after Jess, is in fact, our Lil Ole Jess.

Kiddo, I am so proud of you, I have so much belief in you, I am proud that you found the strength to post and let us know how you are doing, and I look forward to hearing how today is for you. Keep things simple, make no big decisions for a few months, and take each day as a new day. Yip, sounds like yesterday was a sucky day, today’s a new one, I hope that today you are able to touch base with your friend, say you are sorry and explain that you are struggling to cope with the big things that have been happening. When we loose a friendship, it really hurts deeply, so friendships are worth fighting for, even when we make mistakes.

Don’t be hard on yourself kiddo, stay strong, kia Kaha, arohanui tamariki ma

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/28/2011 2:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you guys for the positive feedback.

I am feeling worse this morning. I thought this was meant to get better! Its not! Im just getting nightmares about Mike, having dreams that my beautiful nana is having heart attacks. I hate it so much and in 3 weeks, i have not had one day where i have slept for a whole night!

It has been 3 weeks since i have seen my brother and its killing me because i miss him sooooooo much! He was my lifeline at times and i could really do with one of those big brother hugs.

Nana went backk into hospital the other day and was released yesterday. She was really sick and just spewing uncontrollably.

I overheard my dad talking to my stepmum about funeral plans for nana and i saw some funeral forms for her on the bench. That hurt me. Im not ready to say goodbye. I really am not. I never will be.

Dad did not end up going through CYF because mum let me go, and she stopped fighting against us because she knew she would not win. She also found out that we were going to be getting lawyers involved and she cannot afford to go through that process when she is not going to get anything out of it.

I saw my councilllor yesterday but i put the "brave girl" mask on. Which was hard. I dont think she quite fell for it as she kept saying, "Jess, what are you thinking about, ii can see your getting anxious. Talk to me please hun." But i just said i was tired and im fine. Total lie!

Dad and my stepmum have both asked me if im ok and if i just say yeah, im great. I spend all my time in my room, alone. Im just avoiding talking, eating and being around peopple. I dont want to be around anyone. I havent for the last month. I dont want to talk unless i HAVE to and im not eating much.

My friend has blocked me on facebook and has stopped talking to me all together. There is no way i can contact her anymore so i guess im oging to have to just let her go, although, i dont want to and it hurts me heaps to do so. She wants nothing to do with me, and i cant really blame her.

I cannot run long distances yet because of my knee but i can go on the bike. We have a wind trainer.

Feeling like crap, so numb. Gotta headache. Gotta sore chest, and pains in my stomach. Lots in this big world. Wanting to give up, just wish i knew how. Hate myself, i know im not worth it, dont know why people try.

From me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 10/28/2011 2:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Jess,

We try because we care about you. You are young and facing adult problems.

Your dad is making funeral arrangements to be prepared incase the time comes. Then everything is taken care of. Less stressful when the day comes. I know that this seems bleak to you but that is what adults have to do. That is part of being a responsible adult. Try not to thiink about it if you can.

Your counselor will never be able to help you if you aren't honest with her. You keepp so mucch inside and it is eating you up. If you could just tell her a little, the rest would come out easier. I know it is hard Jess, but this would take the nighmares and fears away. This man had no right to do what he has done to you. It caused you to make life changing decisions to feel safe. But you need to get it out and deal with the feelings before they will go away. I know it is hard, but your counselor could help you with this.

KNow that we all care about you because we see you are a kind and gentle person. Except with yourself. But you are worthy of love and friendship. And we want to be there for you.

Take care Jess.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 10/28/2011 3:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Awe Jess,
Sorry about whats going on with your Nana, that certain is probably what has you the
most angry, please try to get into your counselor to talk about this and be honest and then
maybe try to make up with your best friend just tell her your nana is in th hospital she then
should understand...but please give the time with your dad a chance...
You can always send a special hug to your brother at night before you go to
sleep...and you probably will see him again, okay...
Many well wishes and hope things get better for you....and like the others said you are special
and you can be a kind person...we believe in you...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/28/2011 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I cannot help but think about nana. There isnt a day that goes by where she is not in my mind. There aint a minute that passes where i am not thinking about her and wishing she would stay with me for a while longer. And it kills me to think about all of this, but i cannot help it.

I dont know how to bring the whole Mike situation up with her. I dont know what i should and should not tell her. I dont know what she will do about it and i dont know if i can tell her.

I dont know much, but what i do know is that im tired. Tired of trying, and not getting anywhere. Tired of being pushed down. Tired of being so alone. Tired of life. :(

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 10/28/2011 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm really sorry to hear about all of this. Appreciate every moment you have with her. Make sure she knows how you feel about her. I'm sure she already does, but it will feel good to tell her again when you have the chance.

It is an awful cycle when you want to be alone, but at the same time you can't handle feeling lonely. It sounds like your dad and stepmom want to help you. Do not feel ashamed to reach out or break down at times. Do not hide how you feel from your counselor. They do often see through it but they cannot force you to talk.

I don't know your full story but it is clear that you mean a lot to everyone here and they want to see you get better. You have a great community here, and eventually you will be able to create a strong community in your personal life. Unfortunately it takes a lot of time, but we grow stronger the harder and longer we fight. When that day comes, you will appreciate it so much more. And it will come. Just have faith in that.

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/28/2011 9:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I cannot see her because she lives in a different city. I live in Auckland and she lives in Wellington. I have txt her and told her i loved her and that i hope she feels better soon. But the reality of this all is hitting me hard at the moment!

I dont want anyone to know the hurt and the pain i feel. I dont know why. I guess i am embarrased people might look at me the wrong way. I dont know.

My councillor is amazing and i might see another one next week if it comes doown to it because at the moment, if im feeling like this now and i was at school, i would have been kiked out of class already. I guess im just soooo hurt inside, my release is anger towards myself. I hate myself. But im not the only one.

Dont know what to do, what to say, where to go or who i am anymore.

- Me

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 10/28/2011 9:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Can you talk to your father, maybe just you and him that would be a start, tell him you'd like to go visit your Nana
over a weekend, it might be worth talking about...and ask your father if your brother can come stay over a weekend
That might be good...but your father should know, so please talk to him.
At least you can text your grandmother that's good, she would tell you good things and she'd want to see
you happy, so try to keep positive for her, she'd be glad your with your Father....
Prayers for your Nana and you are a very good person, remember that ...
Wish I knew what else I could do to help you, keep us posted and I hope the days get better
for you...and know we do care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 10/28/2011 10:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Netball - I'll admit that I went through an older thread of yours to understand where you are coming from. And I must say, I never would have thought you were only 13. You sound so mature and have really been handling things very well after all you've been through. You might not realize it, but there are adults who cannot do what you have already done to improve your life.

It will be very difficult to talk about things, but you cannot hold this inside. The things that were done to you can affect you for a very, very long time, well into adulthood if you do not try to face them. You need to find the most trustworthy adult you have in your life and tell them you need help. If you do not want to tell them exactly what happened, then say it is due to severe depression. Then when you find a therapist you feel comfortable with, you can start to work out some of these feelings. It really is critical in order for you to help yourself. You have so much life ahead of you, and things will get better. But you must learn to love yourself and to feel safe around people again.

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."


Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/28/2011 11:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I dont love myself and i never will. I dont deserve love. My dad and my brother hate eachother so thats part of the reason why i havent seen him for so long and nothing has been resolved. My dad, stepmum and i might be flying down to Wellington to see nana because it is coming close to the end and that kills me so bad to say that.

My councillor is a very compassionate woman and she understands me very well and i completely trust her. But i have just been finding it really hard lately to talk about all the things that have been bothering me and things that have happened in the past.

I dont feel as if my life will get any better for the simple fact that for the past 3 weeks, im only getting worse and worse. I am not getting better at all and im just doing more and more things. I dont have tthe motivation to do anything anymore. I dont even want to go and see my little cousins who i normally love to see. I just dont feel like it. The mask that i have had on is slowly just wearing off and i hate feeling so exposed. I am getting more and more angry and i have been having big mentals at my stepmum and my dad. I dont mean to, but it just happens. But i guess im a ***** so thats just going to be an ongoing thing.

My stepmum keeps asking me why i am so angry. I just tell her im tired then go and lie down and think of ways to die. I just really want to give up. I wish i knew an easy way to just disappear, but i dont. If i ha done wish, i would wish that i wasnt alive. I know that iis extremely selfish, but its better than me hurting everyone and anyone who gets in my way. I have broken so many hearts as well as my own. I am just over this all!

Me :(

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/29/2011 7:01:16 AM (GMT-6)


awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 10/29/2011 9:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Lil Jess,

You are feeling anger now, and the mask is slipping, because you are in a safe environment, and can allow the feelings you have stuffed down for so long to the surface, you are angry now because you have been unable to share your truth with your counseller and Dad, and therefore, you have no justice.

So, how do you start that conversation? What will that sound like? Like this, as you walk in the counsellers office, she asks how you are, you reply honestly, I am angry, really really angry because M$#* has been doing things when I was living there. That will start your healing process, and you talk with her until.........until you are finished healing.

I am pleased to see you may take an appointment next week, that's our Lil Jess doing right by the hurt Jess, that's you taking care of you. I completely understand you not telling many people, I too do that, I do it because few will really grasp the magnitude, but I strongly recommend you do get the help now, as an adult, I simply can't offord $200 a week for a one hr session, I wish so badly I had opened up when I was younger.

There is hope, it is hard, it does hurt, and it takes time, there is no magic wand, there will be tough times and good times, right now it's tough, right now it's time to be determined, you have done it before, you have proved you can do it and I do believe in you, we all do.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 10/29/2011 9:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes Jess,

We all believe in you. And that things will be better once you open up to your counselor. It isn't going to be easy, but it will be worth it. You will no longer have to suffer in silence. You will feel your self worth and realize that you are a good person. Don't let the anger take over hon...

Know we all care about you here...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 10/29/2011 1:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Netball, I see that you're coaching a soccer group, or is it another
sport for your school's extra-curricular activities? I know the kids appreciate your help and guidance.

Have you ever tried going to a program called intouchministries.org and
clicking on the Daily Devotional section? It comes up each day with a new and vital message about how to live to have peace and happiness.
I added it to my favorite list and often refer it to during the week for
strength and comfort.

It might help you recover your trust and faith in people. I would try it if I were you.

You're very much respected here, and we all hope the best for you.

Take care, Netball.

I.G.

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/29/2011 1:42 PM (GMT -6)   
FEELING SOOOOOOOOOOO STINK THIS MORNING! DIDNT SLEEP, HAVENT EATEN IN A LONG TIME! OVER ALL THIS crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(

Nana is not doing well. My mate meeds my support because her dog is going to be gone before the end of the week. Her dog has cancer and my mate is really close with her. I dont know what to say to her. My mate last night who is like my brother tried to make me feel better but he couldn't so he told me he's going to go and jump in front of a train so i will feel happy. I dont know if he is alive right now. Im going to call him att home and see. im super worried about him. Dad just got on the phone to my aunty down in Wellington where nana is. Im scared about what she is talking about. Hopefully dad will tell me after. He got 3 missed calls on his phone then aunty ruung on the home phone.

Please dont let it be bad news. I dont need any more :(

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 10/29/2011 1:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Jess,

my husband told me what to do when my father was critically ill and there was really nothing I could do for him. He told me to prepare for the worst
and to hope for the best. In addition, he told me to go there and do everything I could to help the others in the family.

Doing that helped so much to make me feel that I wasn't helpless in the face of death; that in the final analysis our loved ones always wind up in heaven, and it's our job to keep the fires burning (warmth) here on earth while we have life.

Don't you have confidence that the goodness of your Nana is going to place her in a very beautiful spiritual existence following her loss here on earth?
You're very young yet to understand the importance of spiritual life, but let
me tell you that my psychiatrist has told me that it is vital for a healthy life.

That's why I recommended intouchministries.org for you to refer to when you're feeling down.

Take care.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 10/29/2011 1:56:41 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 10/29/2011 2:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Jess,

Do prepare yourself. Because it does sound like it is coming to her time. But she is going to a far better place than we know. She will be at peace, and no more suffering. It is a part of life. You will always have fond memories of her. That will keep you going. Knowing that she loved you very much and that she will be looking over you from above.

Know we are all here for you. You are in our thoughts and our prayers. We will be here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/29/2011 8:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Not the best new, but not the worst. She is going for a brain scan and a few other things this week. Has an appt with the oncologist this week also to discuss the outcome of the treatment she will be recieving on friday for the cancer. I know she will be going to a better place, but i cant say goodbye. I dont want too leave her. I dont want her to leave me. I wont have the strength to go on. She means more to me than anyone will ever know and seeing her like this kills me so bad. I hate it so much.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 10/29/2011 8:27 PM (GMT -6)   
You never have to say goodbye. Her blood is part of your blood; her spirit
part of your spirit; it will always be that way. Physically, as you have been told, her time may be approaching. If it is, cherish the time you have with her, but remember that she is never lost to your memory as long as you have a memory remaining. And after that, it's together again for ever.

Look for a spiritual life, Jess; the physical world isn't all there is, not by a long
shot. You are all the richer for having had her this long in your life. Make the memory of her last in your life by living the standards she would have wanted you to live when she is no longer physically with you. That's the highest honor you can pay to her life. These last days of her life should light up your life with strength and gentleness.

We're offering prayers for your comfort and acceptance of a Higher Power in charge of all our lives.  My note to you ends with this prayer.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 10/29/2011 8:33:09 PM (GMT-6)


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 10/29/2011 9:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Jess,
Your Nana will always be with you in your heart and it will make your strong, we believe in you...
and we care, you can make it through this as you are very strong and your brother needs
you even if your father and him are fighting he still needs you, think about that and remember
to send him a hug at night, picture him in your mind and send him a hug...amazing things can happen...
Keep us posted
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 10/29/2011 9:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Cherish those traits your nana has that you love so much and take them with you. She will want to see you go on with your life and live healthy and happy. When you get angry of violent, think about your nana and how she might have calmed herself down, or think about how she calmed you down in the past. Those we love never really leave us, but their values, memories, those things can stay with us forever and transform us.

You are not as alone or helpless as you feel. It takes baby steps. Tiny but bearable actions that can lead you back to a better place with your brother and other areas in your life. You need to set strong, attainable goals and start to work your way toward achieving them. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need help to get by.

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."


Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 10/30/2011 7:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Alaskah,

I like your signature. It is very calming.

Jess,

Know that we are always here for you. Take to heart what the members are saying to you. You will get through this and we will help you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/30/2011 12:12 PM (GMT -6)   
A good friend died of cancer 2 years ago and the pastor said " Just remember you have another angel watching over you now"

Death is harder on those left behind, we feel abandoned, orphaned even (I'm 58) but I know my mom and dad are up there seeing me not doing well and I keep telling them I will beat this 'cause that is what they want....for their babies to pursue happiness..

Hang in there Jess, you are a very strong coul..Your Nana is in my prayers

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium
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