I dont love myself and i never will. I dont deserve love. My dad and my brother hate eachother so thats part of the reason why i havent seen him for so long and nothing has been resolved. My dad, stepmum and i might be flying down to Wellington to see nana because it is coming close to the end and that kills me so bad to say that.
My councillor is a very compassionate woman and she understands me very well and i completely trust her. But i have just been finding it really hard lately to talk about
all the things that have been bothering me and things that have happened in the past.
I dont feel as if my life will get any better for the simple fact that for the past 3 weeks, im only getting worse and worse. I am not getting better at all and im just doing more and more things. I dont have tthe motivation to do anything anymore. I dont even want to go and see my little cousins who i normally love to see. I just dont feel like it. The mask that i have had on is slowly just wearing off and i hate feeling so exposed. I am getting more and more angry and i have been having big mentals at my stepmum and my dad. I dont mean to, but it just happens. But i guess im a ***** so thats just going to be an ongoing thing.
My stepmum keeps asking me why i am so angry. I just tell her im tired then go and lie down and think of ways to die. I just really want to give up. I wish i knew an easy way to just disappear, but i dont. If i ha done wish, i would wish that i wasnt alive. I know that iis extremely selfish, but its better than me hurting everyone and anyone who gets in my way. I have broken so many hearts as well as my own. I am just over this all!
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/29/2011 7:01:16 AM (GMT-6)