the loss of my husband

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aloneanddepressed
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/2/2011 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I lost my husband on oct 23, 2011 to a car accident, we were only married 2 1/2 years, not long enough we had so many good years left, I feel this empty void in my gut all day long, I know its only been a little over a week but the pain is so over whelming I don't know what to do, I can't eat, sleep, I go to work but I'm useless. I really don't like coming home anymore but at the same time don't want to leave my home, for the memories are so awesome here, we re modeled our home and worked together for 2 years of our marriage, we built this together, he din't even really get to enjoy it we just finished with the final touches this summer and now he's gone.... Please help and direct me in the right direction, I'm missing him so much I don't know what to do....

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/2/2011 8:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Alone,

Welcome to the forum. I am truly sorry for your loss. This is very recent. I think you are holding it together well. But at the same time, I highly recommend some sort of counseling. Preferable grief counseling. It will really help you and give you some direction.

I lost my first husband of 23 years in Oct of 2000. He died of cancer so we had time together before hand. Yours was sudden and truly unexpected. So it may be different than me, but I think it would call for grief counseling that much more. Has anybody talked to you about that yet?

I am so glad that you came here. This is going to be a process that you have to go through. There are a few stages of grief. I went though a lot of mine before hand, because I saw my husband sick for awhile.

Do talk to somebody about counseling to help you get through this. And know we are here too. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/2/2011 8:22 PM (GMT -6)   
i am in grief counselling alone, i lost my partner on 4th dec 2006. i have good days and some not good days, but i know she wants me to be happy and i am working on this to make her happy too. grief is a very personal experience, there is no right or wrong way. i send you much healing compassion. i am very sorry for your loss, my deepest of condolences. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 11/2/2011 8:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Many many sympathies on the death of your husband, so very sorry.

Please seek out counseling and grief support in your area, you can check with
your church about grief support services/groups this will help.
But time will be the biggest healer, it won't ever go away but you can with
time cope better.
Many sympathies and do try to seek out help to better cope, you do need to eat.
Keep us posted as we do care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

bayoub2
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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/2/2011 11:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Alone
I am glad you found us here-these are good people and we know about feeling really down

My deepest sympathies on the loss of yr husband, your lives were just getting started.

I cannot imagine the depth of yr pain. Karen is right, please seek out counseling. My mom's death was sudden, and I couldn't focus at wor or laugh after a month or 6 weeks, so I saw a counselor several times and it helped alot. She helped me move in my grief, helped me to remember my loved one with more smiles than tears. I know you are not there yet, it's very new...but try to talk w/ someone

We are always around here..please know that we care and will respond.

Again, I am so very sorry

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium

Potsie
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 291
   Posted 11/3/2011 1:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my hubby on Oct 22, 2010. I still have bad days. He was sick for most of 2010, so we weren't surprised. I really miss him. We would've celebrated our 35th years on Nov 21st. I feel so bad for you. Please get some help.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/3/2011 5:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Mine was on Oct 21. Wierd, 21, 22, 23...

This was the first year that I didn't dwell on it. So it took over ten years. It is quite the process. But it doesn't have to be unpleasant.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

aloneanddepressed
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/4/2011 6:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so much, I am thinking of looking into the grief counceling I think it would help, I smile and i feel guilty and I know I shouldn't because he would not have wanted that for me, my husband was a fun, kind and gentle man, he was 10 years older than myself and at first i wasn't sure it was right, but once I dated him and realized how awesome of a man he was I knew I could be forever happy with him. I miss his hugs, kisses or just his gentle touch, I will always remember him walking out the door that night just to go get a hamburger and laughing at my sister for whatever reason.. I was told at his funeral he was 51 with 71 years of smiles and that is the truth, my husband was beautiful inside and out. I'm happy to tell you all we had one last awesome vacation together before he passed away, we went to Florida for 5 days and it was a blast, we were only home 4 days before the accident.... I miss him and always will I'm sure. I have a great support group but its the nights at home with out him espically when I pull in the driveway after work and hes not home, Frank always got home from work before me... I'm glad I got to tell you all about my perfect man, the love of my life and i hoping to get through this with your help and my great family and friends..
Thank you all for reading,
Shannon

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/4/2011 8:32 PM (GMT -6)   
we are here 4 you shannon, jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/4/2011 8:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Shannon,

Rest assured that you can always come here for comfort and support. That is what this place is all about. I am glad that you found us. I am also glad that you have a great support group with family and friends. That is so important for you right now. I am also glad that you are working. You sound like a very strong woman. Keep it up. And do get grief counseling. It will really help you through all of this.

Take care...

Keep posting...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

cantletgo
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/6/2011 3:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Alone,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost 11 years ago this December 23. He died of cancer. My best friend since 5th grade died of breast cancer on October 1st. It has brought back all the memories of losing my husband. I understand how you feel. I STILL feel depressed over my husband dying, he was only 38. We had so many plans, and he never got to enjoy everything he worked so hard for. Losing my best friend has put me over the edge. You must continue to see friends and go out.

I have become a recluse, and hate to leave my home, I have children and must take care of them, but it is the hardest thing to do. The smallest tasks are overwhelming. Find a group of people who are in your same situation, and bond with them. I didn't do this. I pushed the death out of my mind and didn't grieve the first 5 years. It was wrong, and only created more problems. It is good you are grieving now, and continue to mourn your loss. It is a process, you cannot work through your grief unless you go through the steps. I am happy you are seeking help now, I hope you begin to feel better.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/6/2011 3:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cantletgo,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am so sorry for your recent loss too. As you know, you have a process to go through too. It is so hard when we lose people close to us. Especially when it is sudden. Well, either way is hard. But when you have time, I think you do a lot of grieving before it happens. My husband was sick for a long time before he even got diagnosed with cancer. I could feel something was wrong. It took me five years to get him to go to a doctor. He dealt with emphazema for a long time before he got the cancer dx. It was hard. But this isn't about me. I am just reminissing I guess. I am happy that you have joined us. And I hope to hear from you more. You are very supportive.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/6/2011 6:30 PM (GMT -6)   
my deepest of condolences cantletgo. jamie. welcome from me as well.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/6/2011 7:17 PM (GMT -6)   
We like to hear you all reminisce, even if it is painful, it helps, so we are always glad to listen to you all..alone, jamie, potsie cantletgo and Karen...we keep them alive thru our happy memories...they will always be with us..

Prayers up for all
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/6/2011 7:24 PM (GMT -6)   
they are maggie, they are. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 11/11/2011 10:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Alone....I am so sorry for your loss, you are in my prayers.
Take Care, Amy

Evrblue
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/12/2011 12:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Everyone,

I'm so sad for each of your losses.
I lost my husband of 8 yrs to Leukemia July 16, 2010. He was a wonderful husband, and a kind, loving gentle man. I miss Jack every single day.

Here's what I know about Grief: It is not linear. You may learn about the stages of grief, but it's not a graduation from one stage to the next. Expect to revisit stages, skip some stages, stay in or out of a stage for a while. You cannot go over grief, you must go thru it.

Counseling has helped me a great deal, with both my grief and my depression/anxiety. (I've been on meds for depression since I was 15, now ab to turn 39.) Try journaling or writing letters to your lost loved one. I have kept his FB page open & I write there often.

Rest, sleep when you feel like it. Take quiet time for yourself. Eat well, or try, when you are hungry. You don't have to live by the clock. Get outside and sit in the sun. Find one friend you trust and talk thru your pain. Let friends know they don't have to talk...let them know that just having them near is a comfort. You may also find you need alone time, and that is OK. Pray or meditate. If you feel overwhelmed, delegate any task you can. Be easy with yourself.

I am still deep in the grieving process 14 mos later. I know I will grieve, in some way, until my life is over. But slowly, I am finding joy again...in small things.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/12/2011 5:52 AM (GMT -6)   
thank you evrblue.

i write in a special book. still greiving 5 yrs on.

my deepest of condolences over your loss. with much healing compassion i send to you

welcome 2 the forum.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 11/12/2011 9:08 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry for each of your losses. Sending comforting hugs to all of you. Welcome to this forum new members.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/12/2011 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Evrblue,

My first husband's name was Jack too. Well his real name was Emmett. I think that is why he went by Jack. lol... I lost him in 2000. I have since remarried. Your loss is new. Fresh I would say. You are doing good. I am happy for that. Thanks for all the advice.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Evrblue
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/12/2011 6:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks everyone, for the kind words.

I struggle because I had such a good life with Jack. I count my blessings but This life is not the life I wanted. I loved being married and taking care of the house & just being with Jack.

Now I am in kind of Limbo- I can't have my old life back...and I don't like this life I have now, but I don't have any idea what a future looks like.

I forgot to say that some times, just getting thru the day is all we can do. At Grief's worst, you may have to take life an hour at a time. I find myself saying, if I can just make it thru this hour, this day...it is enough. With all the pain, being in the moment is hard.

I am very Angry, but I don't have any particular focus for my anger. I have learned that it's OK to be angry. I do find it hard to deal with/express my anger. But I am working on it.
Dx: Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, Migraine, Diabetes, Chronic Pain from Arthrits & Back Injury
Major Meds: Cymbalta, Seroquel, Buspar, Vistiril, & I have been on almost all other psychotropic meds at some point or other since I was 15.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/12/2011 9:14 PM (GMT -6)   
You will find ways to express your anger. Try channeling it with something else. Are you into any type of art or music? Maybe writing. You have come a long way. None of us knows what the future holds. But you make a lot of sense with what you are saying and I suspect you will make good choices in your life. Go with your heart. You will find happiness and the anger will go away. You have recognized it and that means a lot.

I hope that you have a good night. Take care, keep posting. Oh I see you started a thread. I may visit you there too.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Evrblue
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 11/13/2011 2:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen & everybody who has made me feel welcome. Being a widow/er is a club no one wants to join.

I do write poetry and have been able to journal some about my feelings.
I just lack motivation right now with my depression. Music means a lot to me as well.

Of course my furry babies keep me going as I know no one else would care for them if I wasn't here.

I did manage to get up & get a shower today, went to the store for cat food and kitty litter, and made myself supper, which is more than I have done in 4-5 days.

Loosing someone close is so hard, be it a spouse or family member, and our family has been hit hard. I have lost 10 family members including my husband in the last 18 mos. I wish death would leave our family alone for a while, including me. It seems like he is always hiding in the corner of my darkness.

I have such troubling dreams, I dream that Jack is still alive but he is somehow lost to me, or doesn't want me anymore...its just awful. I wake up choking on my tears.

I am going to come clean with my therapist on Tue about how low I feel. She is always pushing me, saying how well I am doing, encoraging me to do more in my life...I hate to disappoint her. But I need to let her know what is going on.

I also wonder about the Fibromyalgia. I have a lot of symptoms, but medically I have a lot going on. I have tried dilligently to cut out artificial sweetners, colors etc, and also caffiene from my diet, I have a cousin who is on a "cave man diet" and her fibro, she says is much better. The only thing I can't seem to part with is my one soda a day...I need that delicious fizziness when I wake up. :)
Dx: Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, Migraine, Diabetes, Chronic Pain from Arthrits & Back Injury
Major Meds: Cymbalta, Seroquel, Buspar, Vistiril, & I have been on almost all other psychotropic meds at some point or other since I was 15.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/13/2011 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
I started you a post and lost it. Story of my life. lol..

It is incredibly gloomy here today. That really effects my moods. Looks like a winter sky.

I cut out soda and drink water. But I love my coffee in the moening. I couldn't stop that. But my bladder dosen't like a lot of it.

It could be fibro. Some people go to a reumy. I just go to my DO and my psychiatrist treats it too.

I am glad that you are going to talk to your therapist. That is the best news. You are a stron woman. But we all need a little help now and then. Keep up the good attitude. It carries you a long way.

If you go to the fibro forum, there is a thread called fibro101. Read that. There is a long list of symptoms. And many things that could help you there.

Feel free to look at that thread. I moderate there too. So I know it would make you feel better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/13/2011 11:18 AM (GMT -6)   
even strong people need help getting that anger out...I, too have been lying to my therapist and vow to come clean on Monday...letting thast flood gate open is scary, so many feelings to deal with, but only way to move on...

Good luck and keep posting
maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds seroquel hydrocodone magnesium potassium multi vit
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