Depressed loved one, I am looking to better understand so I can be supportive PLEASE!

Hello everyone,

I am very new to posting in forums and I am hopeful that it will provide me with insight to my situation. I was in a relationship for two years when things fell apart in September. My partner had a close family friend take his life in May and for four months, I had no idea what was going on. Around the end of August, she had an episode of hysterics/panic with lots of screaming and crying. I did not take it personally because she admitted she was depressed and I knew that from that point on, I needed to understand she was suffering and not to take it personally. At this point, she asked me to help her help herself because she was scared. She saw her doctor, was prescribed meds, and started counseling. about two weeks into this process, she quit talking to me. She didn't provide much of an answer, but what she did say stood out: that she couldn't keep hurting me; that she had to get out of "comfort" to help herself, and that she knew it wasn't fair to me.

I was very hurt and confused for the two months that we havent spoken. I am doing better now, and besides, this post is about her, not me We met for the first time last night, at my request. It has been very hard on me to not let her know how much I care about her. I harbored a lot of pain from the depressive behavior and I wanted to get it off my chest. The meeting was neither good, nor bad; it was somewhat informative. My goal in this post is to obtain advice from people who have been in this position as the depressed person or a loved one.

She thanked me for letting her know how I felt; said it helped her remember things that bothered her. She said that she wanted to be able to also sit down with me and do the same thing, hopefully soon. What didn't make sense is that she hasn't made any progress in the past two months. At one point, she quit taking her medicine (I am not sure if she started back). She said that she does not know if she wants me in her life or not, but she will not tell me that she doesn't. Everything is just one big I DON'T KNOW. Can anyone please help me understand what feelings and thoughts she could be having??? I have read a few books and I understand that many things are probably very overwhelming for her right now, but how do you NOT KNOW if you see someone in your life?? I don't want to get frustrated with her, so please help!

I've given her the space she asked for, and I will not overwhelm her, but I do think that I need to play a more active role. Her schoolwork and life is slipping away. I know that I cannot stop it, but I feel like I am allowed to ask about it every now and then so that she can not avoid everything that is piling up. I read an article about depression that really helped me and in the article it explained that partners of loved ones CANNOT back away. They must remain present in-person because when the depressed re-build their lives, their priorities take different positions. If I am not around, she can actually build me out of her life. Has anyone found this to be true?

Please know that this is not about me OR our relationship; it is really about her. For right now, I think she is stable enough to be left alone, but because there has not been progress made and she quit her medication for awhile, there is the possibility that nothing is keeping her from being worse. She is at a standstill. Anyone who has had a depressed spouse, child, friend, relative, sibling, anything... must understand. You just can't give up on them, no matter how bad all of these things hurt. Even though she doesn't ask me to hold on, she doesn't tell me to let go. Even if she did, I wouldn't listen.

Please provide any wisdom or advice from personal experiences... what she may be battling, what is the best/worst things for me to do. I want to be supportive, but at the same time, tough love kicks in at some points and I can't keep watching her self destruct. Well, at least not happily.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ANY RESPONSES!!!!!

You ask how can she not know what she wants? Go hit yourself as hard as you can with a baseball bat and then have someone ask you immediately afterward which way is up, or what your name is, etc. Odd are you are not going to know much of anything either. (No I don't really want you to do that, just using it to help you understand)

Depression is one huge bat that not just clobbers you once but again and again and sometimes just when you think you have it under control it comes out of nowhere a smacks you once more.

Your friend has not only been hit with depression but she was also blindsided by the suicide of someone close to her. She has experienced a severe double whammy to her emotions, her mental state. On a mental and emotional level she has been severely hurt and like any severe, traumatic physical wound it takes a lot of time for things to heal and to either get everything working properly again or adapt fully to the new reality.

At this point the best thing you can do is just let her know you care and are there for her when she is ready and/or needs you and then back off. There is no way to tell or know what the future will hold for you and her as a couple, but if you push things you are liable to just push her away.

You're a very nice person, Green Bean 885, and you make much sense in
what you say. Keep seeing your counselor and ask him/her about whether
you're doing the right thing about being there for her. You're certainly doing all you know to do.

Take care of yourself first; that's the right way. Then, you may help her
to her independence and respect for you and enjoyment of your company.

Best wishes,

I.G.

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your response. When she said she quit the medicine, I think she may have just meant "for awhile". She said, "I quit taking my medicine because things were feeling better... that was a bad idea". I understand the horrible side effects of those types of drugs. I have struggled with severe physical anxiety for about 4 years now and tried Wellbutrin and Zoloft for tremors until Lexapro worked. The Lexapro really helped, but MAN IT MADE ME SICK. Like clockwork, three hours after taking the pill I was vomiting. Thankfully through counseling and practice, I have learned to better handle my anxiety and OCD. I was even taken off the Lexapro :)

I really feel a lot better after being able to tell her how I feel, both the good and the bad. She took it very well and has kept contact with me via text message since we met Wednesday night. That is a HUGE change from no contact at all for two months. I don't think she needs a reminder of her current state, so I just send or respond with "surface" things... the weather, how she's doing at work, sales going on this weekend, etc. Today I even woke up to a heart icon she sent at 2am. It made me very happy, but I know that responding with the same icon wasn't necessary. I am learning to be grateful for very small things. I have always been an appreciative person, but its nice to learn how to be grateful.

My sister is struggling right now with some issues of her own and has only opened up to me about them. Like one of the responses said, I need to make sure I am ok and stable so that when my partner needs me, I can handle it. I also need to have that stability for my sister so that when she needs a listening ear, I can provide that. I don't feel overwhelmed anymore because I am not taking on anyone else's pain. I trust that both my sister and my partner are stable enough not to hurt themselves at this point and both know they can come to me whenever they are ready. My sister stays in touch daily, whereas before it was more sporadic, so I must be doing something right!

This forum seems to really help- like there is always someone who will listen, relate, or even understand. I hope I can provide that for other users as well, as I always like to return favors!

Hi everyone,

Hope you had a good weekend. I had a rough day yesterday and am still feeling anxious today. Sundays are typically difficult for me because it was the one day a week that my partner and I always spent time together, without the distractions of week day activities.

I had mentioned last week that after our meeting, we had a little communication everyday via texting. Mainly it was just an easy "good night" or "good morning". I woke up yesterday to a text from her telling me goodnight (with a smiley) and reminding me to set my clocks back. Good thing she reminded me because I had forgotten! At one point in the day, I told her I was thinking about her and didn't get a text back. That was ok, because it didn't really need an answer I suppose, though one would have been nice. Since we had been telling each other good night, I also sent that... still, no response.

For some weird reason, this really triggers my anxiety... what did I say that was too much? Did she realize she doesn't want to be in contact? Has she decided that she doesn't want me in her life? Is she ok? Is her phone lost? Maybe her phone died... Maybe she is with someone else...

These thoughts are driving me crazy! All over no responses to 2 text messages, neither of which really required an answer. I try to remind myself that at our meeting, she said she loved me and wanted to be able to figure out "what happened" with our relationship so she could tell me. I remind myself that she still has a key and items at my house-- if she was done, wouldn't she return the key and collect her things?? That thought only makes me fearful that I will go home and the key will be returned and all her things gone. No matter what I try, it seems like my anxiety is really just on overload and turns things into negativity and fear.

Also, two months ago when we weren't in contact, this is how it started. I didn't hear from her one day, so I let it go. That one day turned into two days, which turned into a week, a month, two months. I am aware that I am relating this NEW situation to an OLD one, but how do I stop? I'm a very logical person and I logically agree that the two situations at this point are very different, but are they really?

I understand that she may have had a rough day- maybe any communication was difficult, especially with me. I am just filled with worry and thought that writing about it in the forum may help.

It's Genetic,

Thank you! The crazy thing about this "becoming independent" phase is that I have always felt I was independent because of my dysfunctional upbringing. I have come to realize that I am only independent of my parents and it seems like I seek out in others the feelings I did not get from my parents. I have never seen myself getting married or having children and I was extremely surprised at how this whole situation affected me. It seems like I wasn't as independent as I thought.

I very much want to grow and mature. I consider myself to be a "good" person, but I want to be a "better" person so that one day, I can be the best person possible! But, I don't really know how to achieve that growth and maturity... I guess that's what my sessions are for. I have been an an organic form of lithium for about two months now and let me tell ya something: Lithium = Magic! It has really chilled down my obsessing. I agree that sometimes, my emotions really just take over. I do not feel like I know how to let my intelligence lead my progress... what intelligence do I even have in such a situation? None, I think.

What is it that I even need? I have always felt more of a responsibility to others, especially my siblings. I learned 4 years ago that I felt like I could somehow protect my siblings from the horrible feelings I grew up with and the realization that wasn't possible hit me really hard. Maybe I only dealt with that situation, rather than noticing that I "risk it all" out of love for others. For awhile, I thought my partner could come back and make everything ok again. I KNOW that is not possible. A) Things just can't be "fixed", our relationship will never be the same and that's GOOD that shows the maturity and growth you are talking about B) I have to "fix" things myself... sadly, I don't even think I know what I'm fixing.

And like I said, I guess that's what counseling is for... to figure out why out of all of my relationships, I was so dependent in this one. To discover those "root causes" and face them. I have a pretty good idea what they are, just absolutely no idea how to deal with them. And again, that's what counselling is for.

Some days, I wish it was possible to have a counseling session for hours at a time... I don't suppose its good to dwell on things for such a long period, but with my Type A personality, I'm really just ready for this to reach a conclusion.

Good Morning,

I was dx with depression and anxiety in 1982.............one day I wrote a letter to my hubby who was at his wit's end as he is so supportive but also becomes overwhelmed at times trying to help me and to understand depression.

Depression is not something anyone would choose but unless you have experienced it you could not truly know what it feels like. Those of us with depression do not want to feel the way we do and we do work hard at fighting this mental health disorder.  If you're depressed, you'll know exactly what it feels like, but putting it into words is rarely easy. If you're the friend, relation or colleague of a depressed person, it can be very hard to understand exactly what's happening. To sum it up in one word, depression is Hell.

Depending on whether the sufferer is experiencing mild or majordepression, the actual strength of the feelings will vary, but the principle is the same - a confusing maelstrom of powerful negative emotions makes everyday tasks seem pointless. The sufferer is permanently miserable, and although in many cases they'll realise that there's no logical reason for them to feel so low, there's very little they can do about it because the emotions in their head are so powerful.

Imagine going through day-to-day life, with nothing apparently wrong, but feeling as though every one of your closest relatives has suddenly died, leaving you totally alone. The experience often gets better in the late evening, but returns, just as strong, the following day. Quotes from depressed people compare the experience to;

a slow crawl through Hell

being a leaf in a strong wind

being trapped inside my own head

watching a film of my life

going through a dark grey shadow of life

looking over the suicide cliff

seeing the world through a plate of dark glass

being a kite in a hurricane - I daren't let go of the string

Please don't toss us aside because we can be difficult to live with. We truly want to be happy and at times we are very happy. If you think we don't love you because we have depression you could be very wrong.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

Kindly,

Kitt

Dear greenbean

You have gotten some very sage advice here and I cannot think of much to add.

I think your sister and gf are lucky to have you around. Men tend to be fixers and this is very difficult for my husband cause he can't stand to not fix my depression...

Try not to obsess about the quantity or quality of messages or communication...it probably has nothing to do with you(no offense).

She definitely needs to continue counseling and probably meds. The first round may not work and then you have to start all over again as most anti-depressants can take up to 8 weeks to take full effect.

Keep taking care of yourself and just be there for her

Good luck and keep posting

Maggie

Greenbean885,

I am glad that you are finding help here. It is nice to have different perspectives as to what is going on. You have gotten some very good advice, so there really isn't anything to add. Just stay focused in the moment and take life one day at a time.

I agree with you about having more energy at night and sleeping during the day. I did that for a long time with the fibro and depression. I couldn't help it though. I felt safe at night. Days were stressful.

Take care,

Have a good day.

Sincerely, Karen

Everyone is wonderful :)

And yes, professional help is best. The deal is, my therapist doesn't give advice lol. At all. One time, she shared a personal story with me, but I think it was just to help me better understand.

The most valuable resource I have is my faith... I never thought I could be this strong for 2 months, and yet, somehow I have. Ever just felt like you couldn't give up on something or someone??? I can't explain why, I just feel like I have to be strong for others and myself.

I have learned many things from this experience thus far, and one of them is that society as a whole doesn't have a very good handle or understanding of depression, or for that matter, mental illnesses as a whole. It doesn't seem like many people are tolerant of the struggles and turmoil that such illnesses bring on. I have a new compassion for people battling such ambiguous opponents.

I truly appreciate all of the encouragement and kind words... hopefully, I will be strong for awhile on my own, without rely on others to encourage me. Don't ya'll go anywhere though, I'm sure I'll be back! In the meantime, I will do my best to help others.

I disagree strongly with the idea that "society" looks down on mental illness as a "weakness or character flaw". I would agree strongly that uneducated people regard it in that way. However, I think that highly educated people, and especially people who have lived a professional life are usually very sympathetic and non-judgmental about mental illness, just as they are about physical illness related to the liver, kidneys, heart, etc.

Where it does occur, it is usually in the business world where owners of businesses must bear the cost of treatment (with insurance) of employees who must maintain a medical schedule to contain the chemical imbalance...this from my psychiatrist.  Elsewhere, it must be from ignorance or illness within the psyche of one harboring feelings of superiority over those who suffer with chemical imbalances of the brain.

Many times on this forum I have quoted the physicians associated with
Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison who is herself bipolar and an associate professor at a major university, and who has written about bipolar illness, who was asked by her associates just to be sure to take her meds. It's that simple with people who are highly educated. The "society" which regards mental illness as a character flaw or as a "weakness" is  not part of a group that I consider to be genuinely socially-oriented people.  

I feel very strongly about this and hope you will not consider yourself less than a person of strong intelligence and wisdom and regard for all people, as the truly social person would do. I am particularly reminded of a woman in my community who was truly a strong social leader, but who herself was bipolar.

(No offense, Bayoub2)

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/9/2011 8:58:06 AM (GMT-7)

I live in a small Southern town, so I would say my opinion that society does not have much understanding or compassion for mental illness is most likely based on where I currently live. Small towns are pretty close minded about lots and lots of things!

Questioning and learning about things has always been my forte, especially after attending a strictly liberal arts college--- questioning is highly encouraged! I do not think anyone is weak or less of a person for their mental struggles. Like Maggie said, I think they are stronger that they deal and conquer menaces that others never know of.

Great dialog Greenbean and all. 

Please know coming  here, GB, is a wonderful and courageous step. You are voicing your fears so you know what they are.

It is natural to feel conflicting emotions and as IG posted, therpy is a good thing so know we are all here to support you and find a therapist that you can build a trust relationship with.

Thinking of you,

Kitt