It's been a bit since I posted here, as I feel like I've been suffering from anxiety a lot more then depression. But as I've come to realize along this annoying trip over the last 2 years, the two go hand in hand. I've been feeling extremely down lately and just want to quit.
I don't know where does the story begin. I'll just briefly go over everything yet again like an old record. I had my first panic attack and problems with derealization back in 09 when I was working in my fathers business and trying to go back to school to get myself a better job. I dropped out of the semester because I became aragophobic t was so bad. I couldn't even leave my room. Eventually either with the help of therapy, or just getting tired of being such a loser....I mustered up the courage to get out and get a job. I started cymbalta at the time and eventually came off the cymbalta, and 2 months later I quit that job to apply and work in my current job at the bank.
It's been a year now at this current job, I was taking zoloft back when I first got hired and stopped about 4 months in as I didn't feel like it was helping. I was off all medicines completely until about July. I was getting so frustrated at work because I felt like I need to be doing more, I felt like I needed to get promotion, like I need to move up, I shoudl be accomplishing more.....so yet again I signed up for college classes because my job offers tuition reimbursement. I did well in my summer class pulling a B+ but it was an online class. Now this semester I signed up for 12 credits and tried taking 4 classes while working full time, and OMG I had no idea what I was doing to myself....my mood has gone to hell. I'm stressed out beyond belief, I can barely focus, and I'm always forgetting things. These were kind of here and there complaints before I started the college classes though so I'm not sure if I can really blame it TOTALLy on school or not.
And now lately I am absolutely incapable about making a decision. For example last week I called out of work sick because I was having such bad anxiety/depression that I couldn't go to work. I've already dropped 2 out of the 4 of my college classes and I'm having TERRIBLe anxiety about my 2 remaining classes. I feel asi if I can no longer focus during the class, I just focus on the fact that I can't focus and I drive myself nuts, counting down the time until the class is over.
My initial thinking of going back to school was to stay at my current job in the financial industry and try and get an accounting degree to eventually land myself a good job. I thought that seemed like a pretty sane idea. Now I'm thinking holy crap my anxiety/panic attacks are through the roof and i'm NEVER going to be able to do this. I even had to meet with the dean of my college because they had to sign off on a federal waiver to make me eligible for federal aid for college because of my prior mistakes in college. I have withdrawn from 2 whole semester in the past and have been going on and off to school since 2004.
Now I'm constantly changing my mind. I'm thinking of leaving my job and finding something more physical and active, something where I'd be better suited and keep myself busy. Thinking of quitting school as well and officially putting the ending stamp on my education. If this was just a one time occurence I'd say ok maybe switch majors and give it another try. It's been going on for 6-7 years now with college and I keep having the same result....
I'm just getting myself really down. I change my mind about what I'm giong to do 10000x in a given day. For example yesterday I was totally focused on finding another job and continuiing to go to school, after meeting with my advisor I felt that was totally going to be my gameplan, thena fter sitting through class, about halfway through, I was telling myself screw tihs you can't dot his you can't even sit here and focus on the teacher giving a lecture. Just do what your good at and try and get into some sort of union or blue collar job.
Meanwhile all throughout this I have been secluding myself from my friends. I guess in a responsible way though because it's mostly during the week. But I rarely see them anymore, maybe once a week on the weekends when I have a day off on sunday. I just don't know where I'm going or how much longer I can last in my current position at my job. I'm so worried that if this anxiety/depression gets any worse that I'm going to lose it there and get fired or just quit and not have anything else to fall back on.
I keep trying to remind myself that hard work and patience will pay off. And I have been trying to think of other types of jobs that would be acheivable with my current associates degree in business. I could start my own business, I could do union work, I could work for a good company like UPS or something like that? But then I feel like I'm selling myeslf short. It's annoying because I know that when I'm healthy, and when I'm feelign ok, and when I can focus......that I'm a smart guy. But the problem has been that I almost forgot that part of me is still even here, I'm always anxious/worked up/irritable/etc.
Anyone else deal with this? Especially the rapidly changing ideas? That one aspect scares me, the fact that I can't commit to one decision. I go from one to another, to another, and never see anything out to the finish.