Am I really such a good liar?

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/4/2011 9:48 PM (GMT -6)   
I've been getting A LOT of comments from people at work that I seem "so much happier" in my new position as an HR lead (I was the sales leader for a clothing department in the same store for 7 months, then took over HR the end of August due to health problems and the less physical work load). Sure, HR is a bit closer to my educational background (psychology), but I have never hated a job more, nor been more miserable in general, than right now.

I try to smile and be as friendly as possible to everyone because I care about them, and I am trying to make good of this experience in retail to help develop my social skills. But I have found myself crying more and more, everyday, to the point where I've nearly broken down a few times at work. And everyone thinks I'm so much happier!

I guess I've just been feeling lately like it never does really get any better. Last year I swore I'd apply to grad school and I didn't have the money. This year I swore I'd apply and I got very, very sick a few months ago and decided it wasn't a good idea until I've gone through treatment. Now I swear I'll apply next year, but I don't know if it's really ever going to happen. It's all I've had to look forward to in years, and it's all slipping away.

When I was a teenager I was also severely depressed and filled with anxiety. I remember thinking, if I just hold on a little longer, it will all get better after high school, after college. But it just keeps getting worse. The "best years" of my life are gone, and the ONLY memories I have are with ex-boyfriends and friends who treated me terribly. The only good memories I can think of (and they are few), are from well before my teenage years. Most of it I don't remember at all.

I think it's one thing to have depression suddenly for a few months. But I'm starting to think that since over half my life has been crippled with it, I just have a genetic predisposition to be unhappy and nothing and no one will ever change that.

I finally made a Dr. appointment for Tuesday. I will talk to him about medication - I really don't want to do counseling. I know I won't talk at all, and it will just be a waste and increase my anxiety and decrease my self-esteem. I've tried it before and had a terrible experience. I know anti-depressants don't make you happy, but I do need the mood stabilizing effects so I am not breaking down in the workplace.

I know everyone here is tired of feeling this way. It is awful. It takes away so much of your life. All we can do is hope that it really will get better...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 11/5/2011 7:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Alaskah,

I hear you about having a bad experience with counseling, but there are many good counselors out there. So please try again. I have had a couple of wierd ones myself. One fell asleep during our session. He was kind of a creepy guy anyway. I have had a couple that just weren't a good match. But I have found good ones too and it never hurts to keep trying.

I taike meds and I am happy for the most part. They keep me under control. Not everyday is perfect, but most of them are good. I am glad that you can at least pretend to be happy at work. Actually when you are pretending, I think you are really happy. That is good.

I know how it feels to hurt inside. I hope that you feel better soon.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/5/2011 10:11 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't believe that counseling is for everyone. I have no desire to talk to a stranger in-person, so I will likely just sit there and give them nothing to work with. That was part of my bad experience before. That and the psychiatrist told my parents EVERYTHING I did manage to say to her, without asking me. My parents hadn't even asked about it...she just told them anyway and said I was "thickheaded" and then dismissed me after 3 visits and said I was fine.

My biggest problem is just having no one in my life. I was fine for the last 2 years when I was at least seeing someone, and now I'm completely alone. Just meeting someone to go out on a date with would change my whole world. But I can't meet them at work. And there are no opportunities elsewhere in my area aside from a bar. I do not "believe" to attend church, and I live in such a small town that there is just nothing there for people my age - all of the organizations are run by people 2-3 times my age, and that does not offer the same connection even for a friendship.

Faking smiling and laughing make me feel considerably worse. Knowing that they wouldn't want to be anywhere near me if they knew the "real" me (since no one wants to be around someone who is always unhappy).

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."


Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 11/5/2011 11:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Alaskah,

I think you will meet somebody when the time is right. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. It could be in a grocery store. You never know.

I can't believe that psychiatrtist said you were thick headed. That is very unprofessional. Once you are an adult, your files are confidential. And so are your sessions. I have had bad psychiatrists before. I have seen some that could barely speak english. But they generally don't do counseling, they pass out meds. Though my psychiatrist always asks me how I am and does talk to me some. I see a psychologist too. Got to go next week as a matter of fact.

I am sorry you feel so unhappy. I hope that coming here helps you. We don't consider you to be thick headed. Again, I can't believe he would say such a thing. Maybe if you refused to talk or something, but no, not to say that. And not to volunteer information. Did he not believe you were depressed? Not a good doc...

You may feel lonely, but you are never alone. You have you. That is a good person to have. Keep in mind that your life can get better. It is work. You need to be proactive with your mental health. Read some books. Find self help books and study them. It is a good way to help yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/5/2011 12:34 PM (GMT -6)   
We happened to have a foreign exchange student living with us at the time, and I am an only child. As soon as the psychiatrist found out about the exchange student, I think she latched onto the idea that I was just seeking attention, even though it had taken years for me to get up the courage to talk to my mom about going. She was a little nuts herself, I think...we mostly just talked about college since I didn't trust her to talk about more personal things most of the time. She told me her son - who was in 9th grade at the time - already knew what scholarships he was applying to, what colleges he was applying to, where he would go if admitted, etc. How many people have that all figured out at 15 years old?? I still wonder if that plan actually unfolded as she had hoped, or if he changed his mind about his major at the last moment and where he wanted to apply, heh.

I think the thickheaded comment was because I didn't open up to talk much, and I didn't want to study at a college abroad. At the time I wanted to be a graphic design major and she kept trying to push me to consider schools in Italy. I can't believe that woman came so highly recommended by my former family doc. I later found out the psychiatrist's specialty was marriage counseling...not even counseling children/adolescents or issues of depression and anxiety. So it was just a bad experience all around.

Even though I was a minor, counselors are still supposed to respect privacy, and if parents ask, the counselor should explain to them the importance of keeping a child's trust and confidentiality. Of course, if the parents persist then the counselor must share. Or if there is information about self-harm or harming someone else. That woman openly volunteered the little bit of information I shared, my parents had not even asked for it.

Probably one of those cases where the woman went into that profession for the money, not to help people. If I ever did do counseling, I would choose a clinician/psychologist and not a psychiatrist.

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."


Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 11/5/2011 1:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I think that would be your best choice Alaskah. A clinical Psychologist. I think this psychiatrist came up with her diagnosis without really trying to help you. There is always a bad apple in every bunch. We just hope we don't get one.

I had a counselor once that did nothing but stare at me. I couldn't talk to him. So I never went back. And of course the one who fell alseep. I talked to one lady once who was very crass. For lack of a better word. Very as a matter of fact. I was not comfortable with her at all. But I have had a lot of good ones who have helped me a lot thoughout the years. I am just glad that you may consider it.

There are a couple of free sites too that might help you.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

I have had the best feedback from moodgym by the members. I have never tried these myself. But they are free and they might help you.

Best wishes for a good day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/5/2011 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I was going to suggest online sites, since it is hard for you to open up face to face w/ a stranger. my daughter says the same thing. I told her to give counselor 2 or 3 visits, if she still "hates" them, we will change. I must agree, her 1st 2 are no great shakes.

Alaskah, if you do find someone or someplace to go and it clicks, I think you will see great progress..obviously you are an articulate intelligent person with great depth. Sometimes "masking" our true feelings can make us feel worse, sometimes I start to believe myself_lol

I'm glad you are seeing md on tuesday, it's a first step.Please keep posting and just promise you will try to keep an open mind. I had terrible experience w/ a shrink when I was 16 also...but have seen a few really good ones

Take care dear
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 11/6/2011 5:01 AM (GMT -6)   
took me awhile to find the right shrink and therapist, it goes in phases sometimes, well did for me. but hang in there. we care. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, June 22, 2018 7:21 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,974,412 posts in 326,174 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161255 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Gunner823.
371 Guest(s), 5 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
NeverSusie, tickbite666, PA_grandma, RobLee, shanna j