floating, flat, not here?

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lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 11/5/2011 1:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Although I am not new to this site, I haven't posted on here in probably a year or a year and a half.

I first came on here back in 2009 when I went through my first and only episode of major depression. I was 17. Now, 19 and in college, I find myself feeling flat and lost.

Although I don't feel depressed again, I just feel unable to feel. Or unsure of what to feel. Part of me feels blah. I feel as if I am just floating through day by day... little by little. I feel confused. I am adopted. I have been in foster care since I was 1 month old and I was adopted at 6 years old. When I asked to be admitted into the hospital for major depression when I was 17, my family was told there that I haven't "identified" with them. I remember how hurt I was when I was told this because I didn't feel that way. However, once I heard this, I couldn't seem to get the idea out of my mind. I searched for my biological family and found them. Shortly after I met my biological mother, aunt, cousin, and grandmother, my biological grandmother died.

I didn't know how to handle her death. Obviously, since I didn't know her, it didn't make me feel too bad. However, it made me feel horrible that I met all of them and now I hardly talk to them and they just lost their mother/grandmother.

I apologize for rambling but I just don't know who to talk to. I feel like I have so many problems and I don't even know where to begin..

I think I need to see my therapist/psychiatrist again.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/5/2011 5:25 AM (GMT -6)   
First of all, I am sorry to hear of yr grandmother's passing, and anyone would understand yr confusion over this river of feelings...a river so vast it feels like you r drowning, so it is easier to numb yrself than feel all those feelings.

I think your therapist is your 1st stop. Life is not flat, and your shouldn't be either.
Flat affect is very symptomatic of a depressive episode..you just don't give a *** about anythiing...been there, don't want to go back.

You don't say if you are on any meds...if you are, time to see someone and change or up yr meds.

I think you can be a friend to biological family, and a daughter to your adoptive..please extend a hand to them and see yr therapist to sort out these conflicting feelings you have

truly wish you the best
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


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lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 11/6/2011 2:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Maggie,

Thank you for responding.

I really liked how you put the friend to my bio fam and daughter to adoptive. I totally agree. It is just very confusing and I was kind of passed around all my life. I feel like a lost pup sometimes.

Ah well. I think I will schedule an appointment

Also, I am on zoloft and lamictal

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 11/6/2011 3:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Lovers spit,

I was adopted too, by my grandparents. Then my mother came back into my life when I was little and she was not well. It was hard. I never knew my father. I met him once and all he had to say was "they said you were mine". Then he tried to see me when he was drunk and my boyfriend at that time wouldn't let him. I don't think I would of enjoyed the visit. So my family was very confusing to me. There was a part of me I didn't know because I didn't know that part of my family well. My dad's side. Then I met my one full sister when I was in my 30's. It was cool. But I still don't feel that feeling you get of growing up together. I had half sisters that I got to know. But they weren't adopted by my grandparents like I was so there was some anger there.

I guess I didn't post to you because it reminded me of my past. But now that I got it out, I do feel better. So thank you for that...

Sometimes we search for something that is right there in front of us. Sometimes to just let be is good. I hope you find your answers.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

HakunaMatata
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/6/2011 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I was adopted by my father when I was 3. I than foun out later on when I was 9 that I was adopted. Of course I wanted to meet my biological dad and I finally got to when I was 15. I also met the whole family and my grandmother past away a week after meeting her. My grandmother left me some
Messages before she left and I think they could open your eyes to somethings. She reminded me that she loved me from the day I was born and her life wasn't complete without me and now that she had finally met me she was at ease and felt it was okay for her to leave and be with her god. I do sometimes blame myself because the rest of my family lost her. But you have to realize that you should be glad that you were around her for the time your were and live your life day by day. Enjoy the fact that now
You have two family's to have. But never forget your past but learn from it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 11/6/2011 3:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi HakunaMatata,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am glad that you have joined us and you gave some good advice. Learning from our past is so valuable. It makes us who we are today. Sometimes we have a difficult past, but I think that gives us character. It sounds like your grandmother was needing to meet you so she could let go. Don't blame yourself for her leaving. It was inevitable (sp). But know that you completed something for her that she longed for. What you did was a blessing for being there. She must have loved you very much. Feel fortunate.

Taking life one day at a time is one of the keys to happiness. It gives us room to live, instead of worry about the past or future. So day by day is right. That is the only way to live and be happy. For me anyway.

Take care.

Thanks for posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/6/2011 4:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Lovers, Hakun and Karen

Your stories are very moving Good for you Karen for sharing....some of us turn out to be very loving beings IN SPITE of our parents/those that raise us

I guess I was lucky that altho my parents had a relly crappy relationship, my sister, brother and I were tight and I had a huge loving extended family. I guess as long as you know love and receive it, things work out.

Not living in the past has been hard for me...I made some terrible mistakes and I live with alot of guilt, but have apologized to those I hurt the most and am trying to move on. Y'all think I am a sweetheart, but that is only recently.

I guess better late than never. All of us have "issues"..we need to learn to be happy and like you said Karen, give ourselves room to live, to be happy.

Thanks for posting lovers spit...it made all of us reflect

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium
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