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elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/7/2011 2:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about two years, and I love him, but I've been so dependent on him for everything that I feel like I really should be on my own for a while or else I'll never figure out how to do it. I'm 21 years old and I feel so hopeless and helpless. I want to get better but I feel like I'm addicted to him. I have no one else to support me really...emotionally no friends or family there for me :( Any advice on how to become more independent?

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 11/7/2011 2:59 AM (GMT -6)   
hi welcome, jamie here.

counselling is a really good step. you will learn techniques on how to gain your independance further. maybe some time apart isn't a bad thing. if you love each other you will work back to being together fully again. may i suggest you write some things down you wish to acheive, just a few to begin with and work on them. reading up on stuff is a excellent resource-for your independance. we are here to help as well.

take care and keep strong.

jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/7/2011 5:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Finding friends outside of your relationship is helpful. If you work or go to school and have somebody in mind, ask them out for a cup of coffee, very casually. Maybe a neighbor?

I know I isolate myself, but I still interact here and with my family, have lots of acquaintances, need to cultivate friends.

BTW, welcome to our forum...there are great people here and always good listeners...we have been thru it all...don't be afraid to ask, ok?
others will add to my post I'm sure.

Stick around, we love new people
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/8/2011 12:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you both for the advice...I'm going to a therapist once a week and trying to hang in there. I feel emotionally crippled and unable to care for myself. I'm glad I have this forum to come to too..

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 11/8/2011 12:22 AM (GMT -6)   
well done on the therapy. can be hard work, but it is worth it. therapy junkie i am. keep posting, we care about you. with healing compassion, jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/8/2011 12:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Baby steps...do you work? Maybe something as simple as allowing you to take him out to dinner, or paying one of the bills with a check from your own bank account. That will give you some confidence with respects to your finances. Learning coping techniques in therapy will help a lot. Learning how to calm yourself down when you're experiencing anxiety. Going online to this forum or writing in a journal instead of going to him.

Does your boyfriend mind that you are so dependent? If not, then I think you should stick with him and try to work it out if the relationship is going well and you are truly happy together. We all need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, but it doesn't mean it's all we have.

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."


Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/8/2011 1:28 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't have a job right now, but I've been doing medical research studies to earn money (good money, but scary potential side effects).. he hasn't taken care of me financially like paying for my bills but I'm completely dependent on him emotionally. This is the first night I've been away from him voluntarily in a long time...it's so hard. I don't know why I have such a hard time. He doesn't mind that I rely on him but he knows it's causing me alot of pain feeling like this. I like having someone there for me, but this has become suffocating for both of us I think. I wish I had other friends in real life...but it's comforting to have you all to talk to

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/8/2011 5:24 AM (GMT -6)   
He is replacing something in yr life that you need, is what it sounds like...we are not supposed to spend that much emotional currency on 1 person...the consequences are very bad if something were to happen to that 1 relationship...have you discussed this w/ therapist?
Keep posting
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/8/2011 8:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Elfenprincess,

I think that it is very thoughtful of you to realize that you relied on him so much. I actually am in the same situation, but on the other side. My girlfriend and I were together for two years; within those two years, I always encouraged her to maintain friendships and relationships with family, but she never did. She relied on me for A LOT. It did not bother me one bit, but I think it must have been hard on her when I spent time away from her with family and friends. Because she had not maintained those relationships, she seemed somewhat resentful at times. Recently she has taken time away from me and in reading your posts, I have a strong idea that she must have some of the same feelings you do. I miss her like crazy, but you know what?? I'm more proud of her than anything. I am proud of you too- this is a very big challenge and I know you will succeed.

Do you have any hobbies? Sports can be a good way to meet people while still doing something for yourself. Tennis for one, is a very social sport and you could meet lots of people that way. I know some communities have walk/run groups... maybe you would be interested in that? Like someone else suggested, asking an acquaintance or neighbor out for coffee is casual enough to start without being overwhelming for either of you.

Reaching out and taking risks with new friendships can be scary, but if you know it is what you need, you will overcome that fear. My other advice to you is that if you truly care about your boyfriend, do the best that you can to explain the way you are feeling to him. I know that, also, can be tough. He will likely have questions and not clearly understand, but that is because he cares. Just like it will be hard for you to be away from him, its very hard for him too.

In the end, you will have more independence. I have learned from this forum that taking care of ourselves is of utmost importance in order for us to be able to take care of others when necessary. Remember though, being independent doesn't mean you have to take on the world alone. Now, instead of only having your boyfriend to rely on, you will have other friendships as well. We all need someone at one time or another... if you care about him, make it clear that this is about YOU and YOUR NEEDS.

One more thing... Because you are realizing changes that you want to make in yourself, it also means your relationship with your boyfriend will change. Although me and my girlfriend and not "together" right now, I do know that if/when that day comes again, our relationship will not go back to being the way it was, and that's a good thing. She will be more independent and able to offer more in the relationship, just like you will with your boyfriend. Changes are sometimes scary, but they are necessary for improvements in any part of life.

Being able to post in the forum has really helped me and I hope it is useful for you too. Good luck!

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/9/2011 2:17 AM (GMT -6)   
I definitely realized how scary and unhealthy it is to depend entirely on one person :( I love him more than anyone, but i feel like I've been losing my identity to relationships, it's something I've done for a long time...I think it has alot to do with my past and probably my depression. It's comforting to see that someone else is going throughh the same thing I am....Greenbean885, do you feel better now that you and your girlfriend are apart for now? I hope it all works out for you guys no matter what you decide for the future. I'm still talking to my boyfriend through texts, and he misses me like crazy..I can see that he has depended on me almost as much as I have. Now he's saying that if he doesn't see me soon he's going to die and things like that :( I still feel the same way. I'm worried that he'll get tired of waiting for me, or just want me out of his life for good...it's really scary and sad to think of losing him.
...honestly I know it's bad but it's the only thing keeping me sane at night when I can't sleep. I'm going to keep going to my therapist and join a group for people with mental illness...for a start. I don't know where else to hang out with people in real life...very glad to have this forum though. Thank you all for replying :)

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 11/9/2011 4:20:23 AM (GMT-7)


greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/9/2011 8:52 AM (GMT -6)   
When you ask "Do you feel better now that we (my girlfriend and me) are apart for now?"... that's a very good question and a tough one to answer. She had slipped into a state of depression, but it took me four months to catch on to what was going on. In those four months, she had become more reserved and didn't want to do anything with me, or anyone for that matter. It had gotten to the point where she could only sleep around me; she wasn't comfortable being alone at her house. I thought she had lost interest in the relationship, but was afraid to tell me. Needless to say, I was very confused for four months.

When she admitted her feelings and decided to get help, I felt somewhat relieved that none of her behavior had been personal or directed specifically at me. The kicker was her needing "time". She didn't give me much of an explanation... Just that she thought it was better that we "not be around each other right now". We met last week for the first time in two months and I can tell she she still very confused about what has happened. She doesn't know what happened with her, or in our relationship. I think that like you, she wants to stand on her own two feet. It was all a huge shock to me in the beginning and like your boyfriend, I felt like my world has just crumbled down. I kept thinking... "How could she just wake up one day and not want to be with me???"

I won't say that I feel better because I definitely don't like having her gone, but I try to look at it as necessary changes for happy lives. Just like you are afraid that your boyfriend will not wait or that he may want you out of his life, I can nearly guarantee he is having the same questions (at least I know I do!) I try to take one day at a time. As I've learned, it's not about ME at all, its about HER. She may WANT to be with me, but she knows that right now she NEEDS to learn independence. Does that make sense? Our needs SHOULD overcome our wants, but that doesn't mean it is easy. Before, I said that I was proud of both of you-- do you know how difficult it is to figure out what you need and act on it? VERY. I am sure that your heart is in pieces and it stinks that there is no avoiding it. You are doing what is best for you and that is what is important. If you and your boyfriend truly love each other, you will both grow from the time apart (again, that's what I tell myself).

Reading your posts gives me comfort. You said that you worry your boyfriend will get tired of waiting... guess what?!?! I have the exact OPPOSITE worry. The coincidence makes me smile, I'm glad I can share the "other side". Sometimes, I think she must not think of me at all, not care if I "got tired of waiting", maybe that she doesn't want me to "wait" for her at all. I try to keep contact daily through texts... she doesn't say much, but I always say "goodnight". I feel like I can't push her to stay in touch, but it is much better that no contact at all like the past 2 months. I feel like by at least saying goodnight I'm being consistent... showing that I'm still there. What do you think about that?

Try not to worry about your boyfriend or what decisions he may make because ultimately, you can't control his decisions. Hopefully, he will learn ways to comfort himself in your absence and learn other coping techniques in life. Keep posting in the forum! There is always someone "listening" and many people here are so helpful :)

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/11/2011 3:09 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm glad you both realize that being apart doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of anything. It sounds like me and her are in similar positions, trying to learn independence. It's not easy, but I feel like it has to be done! I'm doing the best I can. I'm still staying in touch with my boyfriend and we may still see each other a little for now, and work up to not seeing each other at all for a while. Like you said it's comforting hearing from the other side of the situation. In my opinion I think it's sweet that you are still texting her goodnight and staying in touch, even if she doesn't have much to say back. No matter what she's deciding, it's nice to have that text and knowing that you still care and are there for her. I don't have many other friends to talk to, so I'm glad he still talks to me, but I'm hoping I'll be able to make some new friends (not counting on it though, because they're so hard to find :/)

Another issue I'm dealing with in this is since we are basically "separated" I've told him that when we're apart it's only fair that he be able to see other girls or do what he wants in that sense...neither of us like the idea of the other one being with other people, but in my eyes part of the independence I want is the ability to be free and spend time with whoever i want, and do whatever I choose. I want him to have the same choices. If he happened to find someone he loved more than me, I wouldn't want to stand in the way of his happiness, and vice versa, though it breaks my heart to think of him finding someone else....

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/11/2011 6:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Dlfenprincess,

You are looking at this in a very mature way. Looking out for his happiness is very giving. Realizing that he might be happy with somebody else is very disheartening, but you are very mature for feeling the way that you do. I hope you two stay together, it sounds like you really and truly love eachother.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/11/2011 1:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are being very mature as well... It is nice that you did not quit your boyfriend "cold turkey". That may have actually sent you spiraling downward. Kinda of like cigarettes or medicine, I think its a good idea to "wean" off.

My situation is not improving, so I definitely hope yours is! Have you ever heard that phrase that "you cannot love someone else until you truly love yourself"? I don't think my ex loves herself. I don't even really know what to call her, especially since I can't say her name here :) I want her to love me so badly. Well, I think she does love me, she just "doesn't know if she wants me in her life". Anyway, it's only fair that she learn to love herself. I wish that she understood though that in that process, it doesn't mean I will stop loving her. Maybe I should tell myself that... That in this process, she will not stop loving me. I guess what I was getting at is that if your boyfriend loves you as much as I love her, he's not just going to forget you and "find happiness" with someone else. I don't think I could "replace" her with anyone. There's a hole in my heart where she belongs; finding someone else would be like shoving a square peg into a round hole. Instead, I want to become more involved in the community... bring myself some of the good feelings she gave me.

She always says she is a mess, but she only tells me. Its odd. To everyone else, she seems fine. I have decided to volunteer with a local organization. Helping others that can't offer anything back will help me learn selfless giving and will also make me feel better. I hope that I can meet some new people in the process. Maybe this is something you would enjoy??? It could be very personally fulfilling and I bet you'd meet new people!

I miss my best friend. I want to be in her life and I want her back in mine. I get afraid she will never come back :( It's been a rough week. I am proud of your strength! I need to find mine!!!!! Good luck with your continued independence... can't wait to get an update!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/11/2011 2:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Green Bean,

I am interupting, but I just wanted to say that I think it is wonderful that you are going to be doing the volunteer work. I use to make Christmas wreaths for the local animal shelter to sell. I can't do it anymore, but it always felt so good when I did. Doing a selfless act does bring us much joy. I am glad that you are doing what you are doing.

Best wishes to all.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BigSky Country
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/11/2011 2:36 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with GreenBean in trying to find a hobby or sport. Something that you can accomplish to boost your self esteem! Knitting, scrap booking.....sports are great. I personally love running because the effort put forth comes from me and me only. If I run an extra 50 feet, I did it on my own and this really boosts my confidence in life.

Good Luck babe!

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/11/2011 5:53 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm going to try to find things to fill my time...I've been wanting to volunteer for a while, so I'll look into that. Also trying to get back into writing for fun, and going to the gym if I can get motivated enough ;)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/11/2011 6:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Writing is a good way to express yourself. And going to the gym will pump up your endorphines. Volunteering will help you to feel good about yourself. So you have a lot of good ideas. I myself walk as much as I can. It helps me to clear my head and feel good. Though the weather hasn't been good lately. So I haven't walked really far, but I get out there anyway. My dog makes me. She drives me nuts until we go. So that helps. Meeting people that have something in common with you is good too. Sounds like a win win situation to me.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/11/2011 6:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I am going to rejoin the gym too!! I really dislike the gym, but it'll be a good way to spend time and tone up :)

Writing is very expressive. I met up with a friend today... She said she used to complete coloring books, just to have the sense of accomplishment. She also gave me a series of books to read so that I can "escape" to a magical place.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/11/2011 9:27 PM (GMT -6)   
sounds cool...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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