gambling to fisht depression

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/7/2011 1:36 PM (GMT -6)   
not sure how to start so... here we go.
I have been marries for 12 years, have kids 9 and 7.  The last 4 years we have had issues with my side of the family.  Well, we have not spoken to my parents for 4 years, and as result my sister as well.  Caused a lot of family strain in my home.
Recently, about a year and a half now my wife has been real blue... tired all the time, stays up late and then is tired, she has too many things on her mind.  Everything is HUGE, from the grass not being trimmed arond a tree, to the dishes not being emptied out of the dishwasher...
She has started to go to the Casino to 'get away from streeors' like family, work..... but, rarely will she say she is going.  Normally, she is heading to the store or out with friends from work for a quick drink. Then she does not call or come home till 4-5 in the morning.  She can stay there for 12 hours.... Money is a concern but her unhappiness is a greater concern.  We have gone through her sorry stories and MT promices about not going back.. But, with any trigger she is there again.
Our sex life is non existant.  Well that's not true we had sex 7 times the last week in August and before that it was week before the May long weekend. Now I have performance anxiety and can only last maybe 2-3 minutes at a time.... I am only 45 and I remember that I could at least hold out till I was out of breath or had broken into a sweat.  Not any longer.... as soon as I get in I am almost done.  THis is adding to her frustration as we used to have a healthy sex life.

I am thinking that maybe she should have a fling one night instead of the casino. I think I can live with that easier... I don't know how to tell her that it may make her feel special again and snap her out of this very low dark mood... HAs anyone else tried to spice up a marriage as a way to reduce the blues?

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/7/2011 2:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

And welcome to the depression forum.

Gambling can easily become an addiction. I highly suggest counseling for both you and your wife. It sounds like you have some kind of sexual anxiety going on right now. Counseling might help you. Or talk to your doc about viagra.

But the gambling is very concerning. Plus there goes all your money. I would have a serious talk with her and suggest counseling to save your relationship. I hope that this helps some. She might want to contact gamblers annonymous too. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 11/7/2011 3:53 PM (GMT -6)   
First, get into your regular doctor and explain whats going on and
see if there is something possibly medically that could be corrected
and then seek out marriage counseling to help you both out and then possible
see if your wife would get a physical to make sure everything is okay and then
talk to her doctor about her depression, maybe if she was on a medicine
that would help...
now these are only suggestions, but hopefully can be of help and I hope your both
okay medically....many well wishes and keep us posted as we do care...
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/7/2011 4:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Impulse control, explosive anger, compulsive behavior can be depression or possibly Bipolar..I'm no doc, so it is important that you and she both see yr doctors and seek counseling, either alone or together or both.

These situations can get out of control quickly, so acting promptly may keep your family together and intact. I am sorry for your troubles and I feel bad for the kids also

Good luck and let us know how it's going
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/8/2011 1:39 AM (GMT -6)   
the dr is the way to go. this behaviour is classic masking/ avoidance coping behaviour. i know, have for many many years used the same method. i sought help and had a lot of success. as your aware the gambling is not about the money. with compassion, jamie



Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 11/8/2011 12:39 PM (GMT -6)   

First of all and above everything else I have to say or ask in this reply, please listen to the advice given in all the previous replies. You and your wife are in a crisis situation and professional help (medical and psych) is badly needed.

That said, let me tell you that I can relate in that I am in a sexless marriage. We've been married about the same length of time, about 13 years for us. Nobody else answered or acknowledged the questions you asked at the end of your post and I have he sense that those are the questions you wanted most to have answered. Let me describe what I've observed in myself and then I have a couple of questions to ask you for clarification.

I've noticed a cycle in my response to feeling abandoned sexually. We've all heard of the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. My cycle is kind of like that with some adaptation to the fact that it's the loss of physical emotional and psychological needs being met. I employ a variety of coping mechanisms to get by. Sometimes I cope by shutting down (or trying to shut down) sexually. I think that one falls in the category of denial. At some point shutting down becomes too difficult and I am ashamed to say another stage is what I call crazy horny. There are times that I am so angry and frustrated that irrational thoughts of how to get my needs met suddenly seem rational. I used to pass through the bargaining stage, at least in the sense of trying to persuade her to be more cooperative with my needs, but I've given up on that. Perhaps crazy horny also falls under bargaining because it is sort of an attempt to negotiate a solution to my problem. Depression is where I'm at most of the time. Acceptance is rare, short lived, and possibly just denial in disguise.

Now, about your questions. I am curious about what you really meant.
1. By suggesting that she go have sex with another man, were you really just expressing that you hate the gambling addiction so much that even cheating would hurt less than that? (I don't think this is what you meant, but had to ask just in case)
2. Do you believe that if she had a fling it might in some way improve her life and health?
3. Does the thought of her with another man in some way play into a fantasy of your own?

The suspect that the answer to number 3 is a yes. Perhaps I only think that because the cuckold fantasy also shows up in my thoughts during crazy horny. The point I'm making to you is that during crazy horny irrational thoughts seem to make sense. In reality, there is nothing good that can come from you making that suggestion to her and terrible harm could result if the 2 of you actually acted on it. No, I'm not speaking from personal experience when I say that, but I am speaking from the accounts of others who went down that path with the same illusion you described, that it would somehow spice up the marriage and in the long run improve the relationship.

I'll end on the same thought as when I began. You and your wife are in a crisis and the best thing you can do is get some professional help. I wish the best for you because I know all too well how difficult your situation is.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/8/2011 5:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry, I can't condone infidelity under any circumstances. I guess that is why I glanced over that.

I don't mean to sound sexist, but men often cheat for sex, women cheat for love, so do you want to go there?
That is only my opinion so take it for what it's worth. I might forgive my husband anindiscretion, but would lose trust.

I cannot imagine that would help in any way.

Please keep posting..we do listen and we do care

"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

welbutrin HBP meds abilify seroquel hydrocodone flexeril klonopin magnesium
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