You've come to a caring, friendly place!! Your feelings of guilt, anxiety, and sadness all go hand in hand with depression. We are not medically trained, but just here to share and care for each other. It IS REALLY HARD to reach out when you feel down the way you do . . . but that is precisely when you need to share your feelings with your doctor, boyfriend, mother, or church friend, and just tell them "I need your help" and tell them how you are feeling.
Depression can be a chemical imbalance in the brain or a need to untangle thought patterns all tangled up and bugging you . . . a doctor can best judge where you fit in. With your thoughts of harming yourself you should look up your local suicide hot line number and talk to someone who will be able to help you make sense of things NOW. There is only one YOU and we want be here for you when you need to vent.
Welcome, and I hope your find some comfort in some of the other posts here.
In His Grip,
UCTD (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease), Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Depression, GI Probs, High BP, Glucose Intolerance