Maybe my brain is tired of thinking or maybe my heart just got tired of feelings. My ex-partner posted a picture on Facebook on Sunday that read "Love is gunna tear us apart". Monday, she updated her status to the lyrics of a song I have never heard, "You and tequila". I have not been using any social networking sites, as I did not want to see any of these things... guess that's the bad part of living in small towns: you hear about it anyway. I read the lyrics to the song... cool, a woman is compared to the toxic effects of drug use. Awesome.
I called her and asked if she had anything she would like to tell me... she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that I had heard about some things on her Facebook and if they were directed at me, I hope that she would let me know that was how she felt about me because finding out over the internet/from others was very hurtful. She was at work and had stepped outside, so of course, she was frustrated that I was asking her these things and that "other people were making problems". She said that they meant nothing... come on. Seriously?!?!? She yelled at me... she has NEVER yelled at me or even in front of me. She then immediately apologized for yelling and I said I didn't deserve that... That all I had done was continue to love and care for her, which she replied with "Yeah, nothing was ever good enough! It was never enough!!!" and hungup.
I had asked her if we could set a deadline for resolution. I explained that I didn't want to base my actions or decisions off of assumptions and that I'd really like clarification from her on what she expected from me...the usual "I don't know". I asked if she just didn't know in our situation or as a whole. She said she knows nothing. I really hope she is still in therapy.
Aside from being treated like crap, I'm tired of no one believing me that she is really not well. Just like last week, yesterday she again said, "I'm a mess. I'm a (dirty word) mess". We have mutual friends and they will see her and report, "oh she was dressed nicely, she said she was stressed with finishing school and just busy with work". She's putting on a good show. I don't want her to be a mess in front of everyone, but I look like a liar/crazy loon. When everything first happened, I asked our close friends to just check in on her a little more often as she was going through a hard time... they didn't believe me then and they don't believe me now. Why is it that she TELLS me she's a mess?? I know that no one goes around blasting their business that their life is falling apart, but what does she want me to do with that information??? My take on it: she is comfortable enough with me to admit things because she knows I know better, but admitting them to me means admitting them to herself. It's like she doesn't want to deal with it... like she said, she's on a plateau. Nothing is better, nothing is worse. She'd rather just deny them and pretend like its all ok. Just doing the bare minimum to get through the days.
She's back to filling her life with parties and people who don't expect anything. She deserves better, but most of all, I DESERVE BETTER. I know my worth; I am sincerely sympathetic she doesn't know hers. I miss our relationship, but I miss my best friend more. I don't think it would phase her one bit God forbid something bad were to happen to me. Or if I moved, took a new job... whatever. The point is it really doesn't bother her that I'm not in her life. I'm angry and I'm sad. My best friend is horribly broken & I miss her like crazy. For whatever reason, I'm glad I'm numb... maybe everything has just been too much.