Feeling so torn, I don't know what to do!!

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elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/15/2011 12:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Me and my boyfriend have been talking about separating from each other (at least for a while) so I can gain more independence...because I've been so dependent on him for the past couple years. I'm 21 and he's 31 so there's a bit of an age gap and that's caused some problems throughout our relationship too. He's ready to get married and have kids and I feel like I'm so far off from being at that stage of my life...I feel totally lost and like I have no identity. I barely have any friends and the ones I do have I hardly get to see. It seems so hard to find genuine friends that you reallly connect with, especially at this age, alot of people only "go out" and get drunk at the bars or go to parties. That can be fun sometimes but I've gotten into a lot of trouble with it in the past and it's really only ended badly because of the kinds of people I end up meeting out there. Maybe if i had some real friends to go out with and talk to....

Anyway, every time I've brought up being apart to my boyfriend he cries and asks why I'm doing this to him. I've tried to explain how badly I need to figure things out on my own but he just doesn't seem to understand. He had ten years of independence and freedom before he met me and wanted to settle down. I've had none and I feel I'm really suffering because of it...if I can't stand on my own two feet, I'm doomed. I just don't know how to make him accept and see that this is something I need. I feel guilty and sad about leaving and I love him very much...I don't want this but at the same time I know i need it. I'm so frustrated and depressed, I just don't know where to go from here.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 11/15/2011 12:49 AM (GMT -6)   
write him a letter. state everything that needs saying. take care, jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/15/2011 8:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Any relationships (family, friends, or romance) takes time to build. Sometimes, even when you feel the relationship is genuine, things happen and your opinion may change. You don't always have to see people in order to continue the friendship with them. My absolute best friend has lived states away for four years now; we see each other once a year. With modern technology, there's so many ways to stay in touch. I have many other friends that live hours away as well. With everyone's lives being so busy, we literally have to set call/chat dates. This is something you could try with your friends as well. It gives you something to look forward to and it will help you stay in contact.

As far as your boyfriend... I don't think he can understand right now. Please be aware, that is truly my opinion. As you know, I'm on the "other side" of things. My ex didn't try to explain to me, she just cut it off. Did it hurt? Of course. Just like love can make you blind, I think that pain/hurt can really distort reality and perceptions. She could sit me down and explain till she was blue in the face, but just hearing that we couldn't be together right now was overwhelming to the point that I don't think I could really listen or begin to understand. Like Jamiee said, writing a letter may be your best bet, especially since you like to write. Remember, one day you may be able to explain. The most important thing right now is that you know you can't explain everything to him, but that it must be done for your independence. This may be something to bring up in counseling.

Good luck, keep posting.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/15/2011 8:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Explain that you have to have some time. You can learn to be independant with somebody. I alwasy spent a lot of time alone. In both of the relationships I have had. I like it. I am a loner. But I still do things with my husband. Give yourself the time you need. Maybe this isn't right for you. Are you going to any counseling? Get a counselor and talk things out.

Don't hurt your boyfriend with this, just explain how you feel. My husband is 16 years older than I am but we get along great.

Have faith, one day at at time...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BigSky Country
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 11/15/2011 2:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Remind your boyfriend that YOU need this and this has nothing to do with hurting him, but trying to heal you. It's hard now, but the future is so much better with a confident you.

Good Luck.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/15/2011 3:08 PM (GMT -6)   
He is guilt tripping you, making it about HIM...it is about the REST of your life...go go the freedom girl!!!

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds seroquel hydrocodone magnesium potassium multi vit

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/16/2011 12:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for the advice...I'm trying to stay strong, it's just so hard. I've thought about writing him a letter, but I don't think I could express how I feel anymore clearly or passionately through my writing in this case, because I've already said everything I want to say, and cried with him so many times..I guess this is just something that's going to have to go through phases, the hard part is sticking to what I want to do

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 11/16/2011 12:36 AM (GMT -6)   
yes it is. with healing compassion, jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/16/2011 2:36 AM (GMT -6)   
I talked to him a little bit today, and he said he can't take the indecision on my part...

meaning he knows I want to be independent but he wants definite dates in regards to when we can see each other. I just don't know how to do that. He said maybe I should just move on and forget about him and that he's never wanted an on and off relationship. I don't want him completely out of my life....I really feel like I would unravel and end up doing a lot of self destructive things. I know it sounds stupid but it's happened to me before where I just impulsively did horrible things to myself when a relationship ended. The main problem I think is I have no support from my family and basically no friends. I'm thankful this site is here.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/16/2011 9:46 AM (GMT -6)   
We are here to support you. Do what feels the best to you. If you need time to think, take it. If you need to be alone for awhile, do so. It will fall into place with you and him. Just do what is right for yourself.

Hugs, Karen

PS One day at a time...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/16/2011 5:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you <3...trying to take it one day at a time. Hoping that if disability comes through I can use the money to see a psychiatrist and maybe try some medication again.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 11/16/2011 6:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Elfenprincess....I think of course it hurts when one person in the relationship wants a diffrent future than the other. I think we all hope the person were with want the same things in life. I do not think your age is the big factor he is ready for a family and you are not., this could happen even if you are the same age. What I think your boyfriend needs from you, is for you to do what you say, not just talk about it...it is to off and on for him. Just remember to do what is best for you. I know it is very hard when you have no support team around you, I had to learn to adjust to the long distant support, but remember it is support none the less. I would look in to couseling talking to someone always helps and we are always hear if you just want to vent. Keep in touch.

Take Care, Amy

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/17/2011 12:15 AM (GMT -6)   
That's true, it's a matter of us wanting different lifestyles, and him wanting marriage and kids. I'd be lying to myself if I just went along with something I wasn't ready for. It's just so heartbreaking because I love him...that's why I've said if we break up, it's possible we could get back together down the road, if he's willing. Only the future will tell.

Thanks for the support <3
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