I have spent my whole life trying to prove I don't need anyone. I was dx'd at 12 and have built up the belief that I had to do everything on my own. Hey, I mean, I have heard since I was young man that I need to to tough, there isn't much they can do for my CD, and a substantial list of things I could not do. And so I developed this tough guy persona. I would tell you what I thought and did not care how it affected you. I mean I might be small in stature but you did not want to cross my path cause I would chew you up and spit you out and grind the pieces into the ground.
I have spent so much energy trying to do it all and my own and be the tough guy, that my wife feels like I have never let her in to my life, she is right. My kids are afraid of me, no child should fear their dad. And I have few if any real friends. I mean who wants to be a friend of an S.O.B. right?
Well the realization is that I can not get through this life on my own. I need people. That is why I cam searching for a place like Healingwell. I need my family and pray that I have not done so much damage that it can never be repaired. And most importantly I need God.
I have asked many times why he allowed me to have CD and realize that he allows us to have afflictions so we learn that we are dependent on him. For 35 years I have tried to prove I did not need him and have failed to do so. I realize that in order for me to survive this life, how ever long I have, I need him in it every step of the way. The funny thing is he has always been there waiting for me to ask him in but I kept turning my back on him. He is patient and loving and will wait for me to finally open the door and say I can't go on, please help me.
Thank you all for letting me share this. I feel as if you are my family too and desperatly need you to live with this disease. I hope each of you are doing well and on the path to a long and much deserved remission.