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Finally the light comes on . . . sorta OT

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Posted 4/5/2005 7:41 AM (GMT -8)
I have spent my whole life trying to prove I don't need anyone. I was dx'd at 12 and have built up the belief that I had to do everything on my own. Hey, I mean, I have heard since I was young man that I need to to tough, there isn't much they can do for my CD, and a substantial list of things I could not do. And so I developed this tough guy persona. I would tell you what I thought and did not care how it affected you. I mean I might be small in stature but you did not want to cross my path cause I would chew you up and spit you out and grind the pieces into the ground.

I have spent so much energy trying to do it all and my own and be the tough guy, that my wife feels like I have never let her in to my life, she is right. My kids are afraid of me, no child should fear their dad. And I have few if any real friends. I mean who wants to be a friend of an S.O.B. right?

Well the realization is that I can not get through this life on my own. I need people. That is why I cam searching for a place like Healingwell. I need my family and pray that I have not done so much damage that it can never be repaired. And most importantly I need God.

I have asked many times why he allowed me to have CD and realize that he allows us to have afflictions so we learn that we are dependent on him. For 35 years I have tried to prove I did not need him and have failed to do so. I realize that in order for me to survive this life, how ever long I have, I need him in it every step of the way. The funny thing is he has always been there waiting for me to ask him in but I kept turning my back on him. He is patient and loving and will wait for me to finally open the door and say I can't go on, please help me.

Thank you all for letting me share this. I feel as if you are my family too and desperatly need you to live with this disease. I hope each of you are doing well and on the path to a long and much deserved remission.

Posted 4/5/2005 8:38 AM (GMT -8)
CheerDad, I would like to thank you for sharing that. You are so brave to admit that you need someone especially after the mindset that you had growing up. I have also told myself that I don't need anyone and that I can get by fine without leaning on someone. That is what my mom ingrained in me after her divorce with my father. I also was very untrusting of men after the many things that my mother told me. I learned that I can't live like that. I am very lucky to have a husband, even though he gets frustrated with me, that understands and is patient. Again thank you for sharing that. It feels good to get it out and it also helps others.
Posted 4/5/2005 9:07 AM (GMT -8)
Hey Randy,

That was very well said!!! I understand that those issues are especially hard for men. Thank you for sharing such a BIG issue. Coming from a guy makes it even better. If you catch ginny's signature, you'll see a great quote: "Thank you God for the storms in life that blow me right into your arms."

Amen? Amen!

Blessings!
Posted 4/5/2005 10:08 AM (GMT -8)
CheerDad, you are truly brave. Knowing something is one thing, and saying it is another. You should be proud of yourself for growing and learning as you have. I too feel like I've only needed myself in life, but am realizing that I need to accept help from others. There is truly nothing wrong with that, and gives us some relief. I have had this concrete wall up for all my life, and I am just a little tired of it. That hard exterior is no reflection of me inside. I am realizing how control plays a negative role in my success with others.

Thanks for sharing your story, and for getting it out! Makes me think of how I need to let go in my own life.

Good for you!
Carlita
Posted 4/5/2005 10:13 AM (GMT -8)
After thinking about this topic for a while . . . I am reminded of how I robbed myself of the fullest relationship with my husband for several years (we are on year 26 now) because I was determined that I would maintain my emotional ability to detach if necessary and not be hurt again . . . once I realized I was holding back and really let go of that baggage . . . my marriage was really blessed. I guess it is nothing ventured, nothing gained . . . but it was something I was doing subconsciously and once I addressed it life WAS/IS better.

Thanks again for sharing Randy.

Blessings!
Posted 4/5/2005 10:14 AM (GMT -8)
Thanks all for your kindness. I don't feel courageous, I feel like a coward. Hiding from and hurting those who I came in contact with especially those I care about the most.
Posted 4/5/2005 11:04 AM (GMT -8)
Wow Randy . . . it takes more courage to right a wrong than most people can muster up. Admitting is a huge step . . . have you considered a plan to take some positive action? A letter to your family would be a wonderful start to the healing process. Not sure where you are in this process . . . does your family know about your new insight??? You ARE to be comended for making this huge turn around.

Blessings!
Posted 4/6/2005 8:02 AM (GMT -8)
Hey let's be real. I did not make the discovery that I needed help on my own. It wasn't until my wife had the courage to tell me that she could no longer live this way and I needed to find help that I realized I was messed up. If it had not been for her, I would probably still be the angry, isolating, hurtful person I was. The real hero here is my wife Angie and two oldest daughters. It was their courage to say get help or you will loose us if you have not already that forced me to seek help. Thanks again all for letting me share.
Posted 4/6/2005 9:50 AM (GMT -8)
Wow Randy, that is really encouraging . . . Your wife and kids sound like really special people and it is encouraging to know that another family is working hard to stay together. Sounds like good communication is working for you. I've heard on these boards somewhere that there is only one way to eat an elephant . . . . one bite at a time. Go for it Randy!

I really enjoy reading your posts to other members here. You have such a good insight and ability to express yourself.

I am sooo looking forward to getting to know you and the others at this forum.

Blessings!
Posted 4/6/2005 9:57 AM (GMT -8)
Unfortunately, some people don't accept what they hear from someone else and miss out on what's important to them because of it. You obviously really love your family otherwise it really wouldn't have done anything to hear that from them. You are making a huge (let me repeat "HUGE") step in discovering what is really important. Just to know that they really care about you makes me believe that you are not giving yourself enough credit. You MUST stop putting yourself down.
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