3..2..1.. Self Destruct

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greenbean885
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/16/2011 11:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Watching someone self-destruct feels like knowing there's a bomb with an ongoing timer, but never knowing when it will go off. Right when you think the timer will stop and the bomb will disengage, it starts right back ticking away. Sometimes, you think you can disarm it, keep everyone safe. Maybe you can remove it really carefully and things will go back to "normal". But there it sits, keeping time, toying with death & danger.

Sometimes bomb squads come in and save the day... how useful this would be in life! If you could rally and join forces with others to stop someone's self destruction. I don't know who she is anymore; so changed, nonchalant, uncaring about things that mattered. At one point, I thought that if I could stay constant, she'd wake up and realize that for some reason, someone still loved her after all the pain she inflicted upon herself and others. That maybe she would question why someone loved her, see the wonderful things about herself. Step back from the self-loathing and negative feelings/thoughts. I thought it was one small way I could make a difference, just by being consistent.

But I'm drained. I don't have the energy to be a constant for her and I don't want the energy. Being ignored was ok for awhile, now its just a pain I don't think I need to allow to continue. I haven't contacted her in a week and it's been much easier than I ever imagined. There is no guilt like I anticipated. I even ran into her after a wedding this weekend. It's sad... no energy to associate with family, friends or me, but plenty of energy for the bar and casino trips to other cities. How awkward it was to see my best friend, my love and have nothing to say. I literally had nothing to say. It had nothing to do with knowing my words wouldn't affect her... there was no reason. Just... nothing.

I mandated an emotional break after our conversation last week (thanks for all the encouragement everyone). After awhile, I think we have to act on our own health reasons. Trying to be supportive & caring to what appears to be a selfish, unappreciative creature (she doesn't even seem human at times) wasn't very healthy after awhile. Have you ever felt like your emotions incapacitated you? It was like an internal war: Me vs. Me. Only one "me" can win and that will be the healthy, stable, strong me.

I have full confidence that through therapy and time, I will work through my hurt. Today though, I am angry & hurt that she has time, attention, and energy for others when she can't even work through whatever keeps her from being around me. She "doesn't know" anything and is a "(blanking) mess"... failing her last semester of college. All things that she confides in me and hides from others. Yet... she cant "deal" with whatever feelings she has around me.

I am sure you have felt unliked or unwanted at time... it's not a feeling anyone likes. I will combat the feeling, because I am in charge of it. Well, I'm learning to take charge of it :) Today, it is just a little upsetting.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/16/2011 11:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry that today is upsetting for you. I just went through having a friend drink themselves to death. It was hard. You do the best that you can to be there for that person. You can't change their actions. It is out of our control. It sounds like she has changed in the things that she wants from life. Maybe going down the wrong path. But there isn't anything you can do other than be there for her if she bottoms out. If you choose to be. If you don't, there is nothing wrong with that. You have watched her go backwards. You have seen her self distruct. It is sad. But if she chooses not to confide in you anymore, that is her decision. Nothing that you can do.

Working on yourself is good. Your paths might cross in the future. Who knows what will happen in life. I think it is smart that you are going to go to counseling and work on you. You have your own life to live. That is a struggle within itself. I think you are making good decisions and doing what is right for you. Continue on.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/16/2011 1:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Karen. It is always a bit easier knowing that someone can relate or even understand. I am sorry about your friend, I can only begin to imagine how difficult that must have been.

You're very right, living my own life and figuring out when I need to do for me can be a big struggle sometimes, but worth it. One day at a time, right? Easy does it :)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/16/2011 3:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I know that one day at a time is easier said than done. But once you learn to live your life that way, it actually becomes easier. My fibromyalgia taught me that. I was so sick all of the time, I never knew if I would even get out of the bed the next day. So I had to take it one day at a time. Fortunately I have it stablilized now. I allowed myself to stay in my pj's all day today. Though many of us can't do that due to work and other things in life. We have to learn to go easy on ourselves and stop torturing ourselves hoping we can change others. We are all after all only human.

It is so easy to live for others before we live for ourselves. Sometimes we just don't know what we want out of life. LIving can be difficult so to speak.
But accept each day as it comes. Find some interests. Everybody has a passion, we just have to discover what it is. Sometimes our dreams feel unrealistic, but we can acheive parts and work our way up to the goal that we had in mind. Baby steps sometimes. You will find your niche (sp). The gears will start turning and you will have your own life. Whether or not she is a part of it is remaining to be seen. But in all honesty, it sounds like she is wanting different things out of life now. And as I said before, she might be going down the wrong path. Let it play out as it does. But keep moving forward with your goals in life. You are a good person. You may even meet somebody new. Who knows?

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/16/2011 11:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Taking one day at a time is a new outlook for me, but just like not talking to her got easier, I'm sure "one day at a time" will too. I'm sure it's hard for you, but MAN, I wish I could take a PJ day... or at least just wear them to work lol.

I have been in individual therapy, but yesterday I was part of a small group... only me and two other women. We talked about living for others, how it was easier to blame ourselves for others' actions than to let it hurt us. I know what I want.... I want to work non profit. I'm a paralegal right now, and have a liberal arts and business degree. I want to become a contractual lawyer that can make enough money to survive and have enough skill to represent others.

I have no idea how to achieve so many of my goals, but I know I'm on the right path. You are really wonderful for paying so much attention to my posts... it means a great deal to me.

Onto tomorrow... gung hoe!!!!

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 11/17/2011 12:33 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm glad you're focusing more on yourself and your health now, I think it'll be really great for you :)
After all the attempts to help and show someone that you care, in the end she's going to have to figure things out on her own. Even though I don't know the girl, I can see a couple parallels between her and myself (I know you're already familiar with the "separation" situation with me and my boyfriend). I've been in contact with him and I still have a huge attachment to how he feels, I can't stand to think of him being in any kind of pain...but on the other end, I've been extremely self destructive, gotten myself into awful situations that my boyfriend said he feels he has to save me from, and just can't seem to love myself no matter how hard I've tried. I hate that I can't seem to stop myself from these things, though I've been in therapy, etc. I can imagine how exhausting and emotionally draining it is to be on the other side of things, and I feel bad about it. I guess I just wanted to say that I don't know how she feels, but if not now, then someday she will realize how selfless and loving you've been toward her. I truly appreciate all the times my boyfriend has told me I'm not as worthless as I feel I am...

I think you'll both benefit from the time apart, and things will work themselves out if it's meant to be

<3

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/17/2011 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you are figuring things out for you. I am happy for that. Knowing what you want out of life is huge. Having the oppertunity to do so is even better. I didn't so much with my life. Went to community college for awhile, and it was one day at a time ever after. I haven' acheived much, but I am contented with my life. That says a lot to me.

Jung hoe, That is great. I am so happy for you...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/17/2011 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
I hope that you are right about her realizing that I have been selfless and loving one day, for my own benefit. I think less and less about our relationship working out because I think that happening is so far away. She can't really be part of a relationship until she has herself put together. Only after she discovers self love can she really love me the way I love her.

It is sad- I do want those feelings from her, but maybe that's just not in the cards. A couple weeks ago, I couldn't even imagine saying that. She isn't someone I'd want in my life right now anyway... acting selfishly, inconsiderately, really not paying any attention to how she affects others, letting go of what mattered. Sometimes I wonder if she did a good job of being fake with me for two years and that maybe, this is who she really is.

I deserve to date someone who is independent, strong, confident, considerate, and loving. She WAS those things and either she isn't anymore or she just isn't right now. It's crazy, I really looked up to her for always being so selfless. I'd say she taught that to me too. It's insulting that she doesn't want me in her life right now. Some people may think that's extreme, but it's the way I feel. I have just "accepted" a lot of things in this situation, but it doesn't mean I understand them... and that's one thing I don't understand. Like I said, no time for me, family, good friends, school... plenty of time for work buddies, bars, and gambling. I (along with the other things listed) should definitely be more important than drinking and gambling. No offense to coworkers in general, but a significant other should place hold higher value. I, literally, am of nothing to her. She's re-prioritized and I went from the top to nowhere on the priority list at all. AND FOR NO REASON.

It's downright insulting that I love her and it doesn't matter. That I care, and it doesn't matter. That I have supported her no matter what even through my own pain, and it doesn't matter. I am trying to prepare myself not to be offended if she does not invite me to her graduation (at this point, none of us are sure if that's even going to happen). It would bother me if I was not invited because whether she reflects on it or not, I have been fairly influential and supportive in her academic career. Just as she was a large support system for me as I completed my undergrad thesis in May, I have been a big support to her too. Not inviting me will really hurt, it'll just show me even more that she doesn't care. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that because it's still 29 days away haha.

I told her that it upset me that we were missing out on time with each other, especially holidays. Everyone knows how stressful holidays can be! We always had time for "just us" after Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's difficult getting used to a lot of things without her again. I thought that if I knew why she needed time away from me, it would be easier, but I'm wrong. An explanation won't really make things easier at all because I still won't understand how her life is better without me in it. If I was a one-eyed child eating monster, well then yeah... I'd think she was better off. Buuuutt I'm not a monster. In fact, I'm a pretty wonderful person.

Being content in life is a great achievement in itself, Karen. Elfenprincess, don't worry about your boyfriend's pain--- take it from me, it will subside. I'm not suggesting you stop caring for/about him because we're human, it's instinct to care. Just try not to let it bother you or stop you from working towards your goals. And don't give up on achieving your goals!!!! You are not worthless and you deserve and can obtain all the feelings you talk about :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/17/2011 9:17 AM (GMT -6)   
Being contented is an achievement, you are right. I try not to live with the "what ifs". But still wonder what life would of been like if I would have persued my art. My problem was I couldn't really paint for anybody but myself. So it isn't like I can control it. It just kind of happens.

Try not to project about the future. You will find out soon enough if she wants you at the graduation. I am sure that she does. Just don't liet this take over your thinking. You are doing better and we want to see that continue.

I hope that your day is going well. Keep posting. We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 11/17/2011 9:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Good morning, Greenbean885,

I have followed your posts and see you becoming so much stronger.
Good for you!

If your unanswered questions still linger much longer about why she is the way she is, I would suggest that you go online and read about the narcissistic personality disorder. It is very revealing about how the person who is a narcissist thinks and feels. It may help to answer the remainder of your questions.

She fits it to a "T".   Sam Vatkin has written about the disorder in his work called "The Malignant Narcissist".  You might find that book interesting reading to help your understanding about "why".

More good days than bad days are ahead for you. And, yes, you do deserve to have someone in life who is able to place you in position number 2, at least, in her life. What you place in first place in your life is a major decision that will affect everything.

Take care.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/17/2011 8:33:21 AM (GMT-7)


greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/17/2011 9:41 AM (GMT -6)   
It's Genetic! I was wondering where you have been :) I always enjoy your insight. I think there are more good days ahead as well. Even though I will miss her during holidays, I am grateful for the time at home with family. Oh yes, and the time off of work!

I started training for CASA this week; training ends right after Christmas. What a great way to end the year, with volunteering! I think it will be good for me to take all of the energy, effort and care I have for one person and turn it into helping an abused/neglected child. It will be tough, building that relationship with them, but all worth it!!!

Thanks for replying!

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 11/17/2011 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
A super idea, Greenbean885, to help an abused/neglected child. It will enrich your life immeasurably!

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/17/2011 9:09:17 AM (GMT-7)


bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/17/2011 11:44 AM (GMT -6)   
I am volunteering for CASA also-no better cause than a child especially one who lives in your town and not across the world.

Also greenbean, you are cooking with gas, baby!!!! You go on with your klife. Interesting to read your posts and see the sea change in you..really come a long way.
Very good!!!

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds seroquel hydrocodone magnesium potassium multi vit

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/17/2011 4:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Maggie :) I have a post it with the quote you have in your signature staring at me from my computer screen... it's a great reminder. I'm glad I'm making progress, it feels good. I wish it was a bit quicker though, as I'd like to stop allowing her to hurt my feelings/miss her. That will happen in time as well, I hope.

I don't worry about her anymore; it feels good to have control over my anxiety. My OCD has really calmed down as well (I'm sure the organic supplements are helping). No more incessant thoughts or weeping, feelings like I can't make it through the day. I still am not ready to run into her in public or ask for my things back yet, but like I am learning, that it will come in time too.

Once, when I broke things off with a guy I was casually dating a few years back, I told him I had hoped we could remain friends. He replied that he had enough friends, he didn't need me as one. I was so shocked! It didn't take long for me to see how wise he was. Yes, my partner was my best friend, but she was my partner foremost. I'm not interested in remaining friends with her and I think that's ok :]
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