I hope that you are right about her realizing that I have been selfless and loving one day, for my own benefit. I think less and less about our relationship working out because I think that happening is so far away. She can't really be part of a relationship until she has herself put together. Only after she discovers self love can she really love me the way I love her.
It is sad- I do want those feelings from her, but maybe that's just not in the cards. A couple weeks ago, I couldn't even imagine saying that. She isn't someone I'd want in my life right now anyway... acting selfishly, inconsiderately, really not paying any attention to how she affects others, letting go of what mattered. Sometimes I wonder if she did a good job of being fake with me for two years and that maybe, this is who she really is.
I deserve to date someone who is independent, strong, confident, considerate, and loving. She WAS those things and either she isn't anymore or she just isn't right now. It's crazy, I really looked up to her for always being so selfless. I'd say she taught that to me too. It's insulting that she doesn't want me in her life right now. Some people may think that's extreme, but it's the way I feel. I have just "accepted" a lot of things in this situation, but it doesn't mean I understand them... and that's one thing I don't understand. Like I said, no time for me, family, good friends, school... plenty of time for work buddies, bars, and gambling. I (along with the other things listed) should definitely be more important than drinking and gambling. No offense to coworkers in general, but a significant other should place hold higher value. I, literally, am of nothing to her. She's re-prioritized and I went from the top to nowhere on the priority list at all. AND FOR NO REASON.
It's downright insulting that I love her and it doesn't matter. That I care, and it doesn't matter. That I have supported her no matter what even through my own pain, and it doesn't matter. I am trying to prepare myself not to be offended if she does not invite me to her graduation (at this point, none of us are sure if that's even going to happen). It would bother me if I was not invited because whether she reflects on it or not, I have been fairly influential and supportive in her academic career. Just as she was a large support system for me as I completed my undergrad thesis in May, I have been a big support to her too. Not inviting me will really hurt, it'll just show me even more that she doesn't care. BUT, I'm not going to worry about that because it's still 29 days away haha.
I told her that it upset me that we were missing out on time with each other, especially holidays. Everyone knows how stressful holidays can be! We always had time for "just us" after Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's difficult getting used to a lot of things without her again. I thought that if I knew why she needed time away from me, it would be easier, but I'm wrong. An explanation won't really make things easier at all because I still won't understand how her life is better without me in it. If I was a one-eyed child eating monster, well then yeah... I'd think she was better off. Buuuutt I'm not a monster. In fact, I'm a pretty wonderful person.
Being content in life is a great achievement in itself, Karen. Elfenprincess, don't worry about your boyfriend's pain--- take it from me, it will subside. I'm not suggesting you stop caring for/about him because we're human, it's instinct to care. Just try not to let it bother you or stop you from working towards your goals. And don't give up on achieving your goals!!!! You are not worthless and you deserve and can obtain all the feelings you talk about :)