Not sure anymore...

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LumpyOatmeal
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/16/2011 1:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I guess I can start by saying that I've always struggled with some sort of depression. My mother suffers from the same, and wasn't successful in finding help until the last year or so. I'm 21, living with my husband and our 1 year old son. It's hard to explain all of the details at once.

I graduated from high school early, had an associates degree by the time I was 18, and was licensed as an aircraft mechanic. Everything was pretty positive, got a good job out of school, moved in with my boyfriend, now husband. And 9 months later, after moving across the state, got laid off because they didn't have any work for me, and they apparently had never had any work or reason to hire me other than the supervisor who hired me was a sexual harasser and liked having young girls on his crew. Following being laid off was the most humiliating month of my life, searching for work and picking up jobs in fast food for a few days at a time just to pay the bills. Unfortunately many of those fast food jobs were in the vicinity of my old job as a mechanic, and there was nothing worse than having those old co-workers come in and make fun of me while I was behind the counter.

We spent two more years in that town trying to get enough money to move back home and closer to our families. Right before we moved back I found out I was pregnant. This part is prefaced by the fact that I have never wanted kids. I can't handle the stress, and I knew that. But for some reason when I found out I was pregnant I thought something would just click into place and it would all be okay. Plus, my husband loves kids and was really excited.

We moved in with some friends who were renting out half of their house in Denver, everything was good for a while. We had our son, roommates helped out a bit in the beginning, we liked having friends around and people to help out. Then it seems like as soon as our son turned about 6 months old, he wasn't shiny and new anymore, and they were tired of him waking everyone up in the middle of the night. They asked us to leave.

We spent 3 months house hunting because we had pets and we knew it would be hard to get an apartment with the animals. So we were under contract for 2 months, and then 2 days before we were supposed to close on the house we ended up losing our loan. We had to get an apartment in 2 days and move, meanwhile every dime we had was tied up in the earnest money on the house we thought we were buying, and the sellers were refusing to release it to us. Therefore, we didn't have money for a deposit or anything, so we had to borrow from hubby's family again, and we had to give all of our animals up to the shelter because we couldn't have them in the apartment.

After three weeks I still can't being in this apartment. It is costing us way more than the mortgage on our house was going to be, so we aren't able to put anything into savings, which dims my hope that we will ever have another shot at buying a house. about 7 years ago hubby had some debt problems, and we thought we had them all sorted out before we applied for the mortgage, but every time I turn around somebody else is saying that we owe them hundreds of dollars from years ago. Just this week we had our internet shut off because they traced me back to him and made me pay $300 from a bill from 2007.

I'm really just exhausted from trying to pick up all the pieces all the time. Jason is at work all the time just trying to keep us above water. I can hardly stand being home alone with my own child, and its even worse when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I just want to run away. Everything I have worked for, going back to school again, everything, is going nowhere. We have so much student loan debt from going to school the first time, and I will never work in that field again. I decided to go back for a bachelor's this time, but the further in I get, the more I get the feeling that I will still never get a job, and we will have even more debt to pay off. I just want to drop out now.

This turned out to be really long, but I just need somewhere to write. My husband doesn't understand why I am so upset all the time, and he has a hard time being patient when I am emotional and unable to articulate things well.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/16/2011 2:12 PM (GMT -6)   
You have a lot going on right now. I would cut myself some slack if I were you. Things are going to work out for you. Maybe you could go back to work. Find a daycare for your son. It sounds like you do good with challanges as you graduated college so early. Maybe you could go back to school? I think you need a challenge for yourself. Maybe a little independance. You feel stuck. Not saying to put your child on hold. You probably want to be with him at this time, but there are options. I know you want to get out of debt. It is hard with only one working. Maybe even a parttime job would help you to feel better. I could be way off base. But it sounds like you put your life on hold when you got pregnant. Things didn't really work out the way that you planned. Especially if you didn't really want kids. I never wanted children either. I didn't have any. But I was committed to birth control. What you have though is a miracle in itself. Love that little boy as much as you can. Even when he wakes you up at night. You will never regret that. It is going to work out. We never know what lies ahead in the future. Don't give up hope.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

LumpyOatmeal
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/16/2011 2:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

Thanks for the reply. I did go back to school in the last 2 semesters, and things have been shaky at best. Having to pay a babysitter for the time that I'm in class has been a hit to our already meager finances. I thought I was going to get a part-time job to help pay for the babysitter, but I can only find minimum wage jobs, and the babysitter wants $10/hr, so every hour I'm at work I'm losing even more money. When Logan was first born my MIL was willing to watch him while I was at work, but she said she didn't want to anymore, so that's when I quit my job. The thing I struggle with most is that I really don't want to be around my child, and I know that this is wrong. I know I shouldn't feel angry every time I hear him waking up from a nap, but I just can't handle it. I know there are plenty of women who would love to stay home with their kids and get one-on-one time, and I should be thankful, but I find myself running away at every opportunity. I overbook my classes so I can drop him off at the babysitters and not have to deal with him all day. It is the worst feeling in the world to know that I have to care for him, and he depends on me, and sometimes we have a good day where he is happy and doesn't have any meltdowns all day, but there comes a point in almost every day that I just want to give up on everything.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/16/2011 2:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I never wanted children, ever...I didn't understand them, I was ego centric, I wanted what I wanted...my lil gift came when I was 43 years old!!!! WOW-was I pissed!!! I'll be honest, I was not happy at all and even told the bump so for a month or so...I resigned myself to the fact but never thought I would be a good mama, no maternal stuff, babies used to cry when I leaned over their stroller-lol!! Evil monster woman.

I almost dies giving birth to her and I was so doped up I wouldn't hold her the first couple of days. Told doc to cut back on meds so I could hold her. They brought her and I felt her lil breath chuff on my neck, and I knew I would gladly battle ogres for her.

He will be your greatest gift and grace and your undoing, your greatest frustration,your greatest joy...he will bring laughter so hard you will pee your pants and tug your heartstrings til they break. When he hurts, you will feel it tenfold, as you will his joys.

You thougth you had it all before, but young lady, this is really it...this is life inall its glory. Get thru the 3's and you will find the coolest kid and you will find your way.

Good luck, sniff his hair fro me after his bath tonite, ok?

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds seroquel hydrocodone magnesium potassium multi vit

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/16/2011 4:36 PM (GMT -6)   
My sister use to work all the time so she wouldn't have to be around her kids. When they got in school, she worked in the summer. But they now have grown up and she has a good relationship with them. So things do change, and your feelings towards your son will too. Try to remember, he didn't ask to be born. Love him as much as you can. You will be glad that you did. He is dependant on you and his personality will develope with the love and security that you give to him. If he doesn't have that, it could really effect him. So try to share that bond with him. He is your son. You are his mother. I know that you can do this. Please try...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 227
   Posted 11/18/2011 6:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello, I am jealous because you have a partner and child. This is something I never have had. Life is tough but the child will bring you much hapiness, so many dont have children, it is a gift, very special. When you feel depressed, know you have something many others don't have, a partner and a child, many people live a life so lonely it is truly sad, feel privilidged.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/19/2011 6:32 AM (GMT -6)   
beagleman, due to a male genetic hormone condition i can't have children. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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