I guess I can start by saying that I've always struggled with some sort of depression. My mother suffers from the same, and wasn't successful in finding help until the last year or so. I'm 21, living with my husband and our 1 year old son. It's hard to explain all of the details at once.
I graduated from high school early, had an associates degree by the time I was 18, and was licensed as an aircraft mechanic. Everything was pretty positive, got a good job out of school, moved in with my boyfriend, now husband. And 9 months later, after moving across the state, got laid off because they didn't have any work for me, and they apparently had never had any work or reason to hire me other than the supervisor who hired me was a sexual harasser and liked having young girls on his crew. Following being laid off was the most humiliating month of my life, searching for work and picking up jobs in fast food for a few days at a time just to pay the bills. Unfortunately many of those fast food jobs were in the vicinity of my old job as a mechanic, and there was nothing worse than having those old co-workers come in and make fun of me while I was behind the counter.
We spent two more years in that town trying to get enough money to move back home and closer to our families. Right before we moved back I found out I was pregnant. This part is prefaced by the fact that I have never wanted kids. I can't handle the stress, and I knew that. But for some reason when I found out I was pregnant I thought something would just click into place and it would all be okay. Plus, my husband loves kids and was really excited.
We moved in with some friends who were renting out half of their house in Denver, everything was good for a while. We had our son, roommates helped out a bit in the beginning, we liked having friends around and people to help out. Then it seems like as soon as our son turned about 6 months old, he wasn't shiny and new anymore, and they were tired of him waking everyone up in the middle of the night. They asked us to leave.
We spent 3 months house hunting because we had pets and we knew it would be hard to get an apartment with the animals. So we were under contract for 2 months, and then 2 days before we were supposed to close on the house we ended up losing our loan. We had to get an apartment in 2 days and move, meanwhile every dime we had was tied up in the earnest money on the house we thought we were buying, and the sellers were refusing to release it to us. Therefore, we didn't have money for a deposit or anything, so we had to borrow from hubby's family again, and we had to give all of our animals up to the shelter because we couldn't have them in the apartment.
After three weeks I still can't being in this apartment. It is costing us way more than the mortgage on our house was going to be, so we aren't able to put anything into savings, which dims my hope that we will ever have another shot at buying a house. about 7 years ago hubby had some debt problems, and we thought we had them all sorted out before we applied for the mortgage, but every time I turn around somebody else is saying that we owe them hundreds of dollars from years ago. Just this week we had our internet shut off because they traced me back to him and made me pay $300 from a bill from 2007.
I'm really just exhausted from trying to pick up all the pieces all the time. Jason is at work all the time just trying to keep us above water. I can hardly stand being home alone with my own child, and its even worse when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I just want to run away. Everything I have worked for, going back to school again, everything, is going nowhere. We have so much student loan debt from going to school the first time, and I will never work in that field again. I decided to go back for a bachelor's this time, but the further in I get, the more I get the feeling that I will still never get a job, and we will have even more debt to pay off. I just want to drop out now.
This turned out to be really long, but I just need somewhere to write. My husband doesn't understand why I am so upset all the time, and he has a hard time being patient when I am emotional and unable to articulate things well.