I said some things to someone and I think it hurt them. It was a moment of impulse out of frustration on my part & maybe they are better off not knowing me, but I know that I am not better off not knowing them. They severed all lines of communication so I can't even say sorry, which i never usually say, but this time i feel it because i know they are going through some things and i should not have said what i did. I didn't want them to leave, I want them to know that. Maybe I made them feel as though i wanted them to leave, but i didnt, i just cant help saying what i think and at times those things arent what people want to hear, but they did know that about
me. Doesnt change things i guess. Many people have vanished from my life, like a magic act.. poooof, they are gone, but they make that choice and they are entitled to it, but I never want to affect people in a negative way, nor do I wish to drive people away, even if my words or actions at times indicate that. I shield myself from the world outside my window for the fear that, were i to attach to anyone else, they would also eventually disappear when the magic words are exhaled, when the fear overcomes me and the smoke and mirrors of life struggles to uphold any illusion.
Sometimes I get upset & angry at myself for being unable to help people, to be able to change how things are in the world. I have lashed out at myself many times in the past and, regrettably, have also lashed out at others and I never wanted to hurt others, particularly those that have been good friends. Ironic that I end up hurting people because i feel as though I cant help them. It's really myself that i am angry with, i dont know why i say the things that i did, I just wish that i hadnt. I didnt mean those bad things, was just angry at my own inabilities to do anything to help. I act as though I hate the world and everyone on it, when really it's myself that i hate. They've been a very good friend to me, I haven't been as good a friend as I could have been. I want them to be my friend again so i can try harder.
They can contact me if they wish, they have my email address, but they probably feel no urge to, fearing another spit in the face. Sometimes in moments of anger we may kick a chair, or punch a wall, then regret it because we fracture something or make holes that need patching up. It's the same with people, but other times it can be like trying to repair the effects of a wrecking ball. Aside from my own feelings, what pains me more is that i upset someone that has been a good friend to me over the years. I cant make change the world, i can barely change my own life, i certainly dont want to change others for the worse. Hopefully, they will be in contact, even if it only gives me a chance to apologise.
Post Edited (Rubiks Snorry) : 11/21/2011 12:26:52 PM (GMT-7)