what to do, what to do...

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greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/20/2011 2:42 PM (GMT -6)   
The past couple days have been quite interesting, to say the least. I was asked out on a date and met a guy that is "interested". How does this happen all at once?? I most likely will not take the date. It is with a woman and although I don't have an issue with same sex relationships, my partner was the first girl I dated; she was special. I never though I'd date anyone else (much less another woman); I truly never saw the relationship ending. I don't want to lead anyone on... I feel it would be cruel if I know I wouldn't pursue a relationship.

The toughest part about this is that I just don't even know if it's appropriate. I mean, my partner doesn't speak to me and I've stopped attempting contact. I assume that means its "over", but as I've said, she still has a key and we haven't exchanged the things we have at each other's houses. I think I am scared. Scared that if I spend time with other people, she won't "come back" or that she will blame everything on me. It seems that in her depression right now, everything is someone else's fault... that she isn't adequate enough to be in my life. Is this common in depression? She has said through tears that she just can't be what I need right now and she knows it isn't fair. I just want her to get back to being herself again, but it seems like she doesn't even think that's possible at this point.

She had gone back to talking to a couple close friends we shared when she was talking to me again for that week, but has since stopped. It's like she's scared of trying to "get better" because if she doesn't, it's no one's fault but hers. So, she just doesn't try. A week ago I called her and asked her for clarification on where I stood. I explained that I could only base my decisions off of assumptions and I'd really just like to know exactly what was expected of me in terms of the relationship. Like I said, that's when she tells me "I don't know" or "I'm a mess". I haven't been asked on a date in two years, obviously because I was committed to someone... this is so crazy that it happened that fast!!!

I guess this is a decision I must make on my own?? I figured I'd ask because maybe someone here could understand. It's not that my partner dictates my behavior, I guess that I just don't want to be the one to botch things up so badly they can't be reconciled. For all I know, she could be dating and just beat me to it. I really want things to work out with her, but she isn't making any effort with much of anything right now and if she ultimately decides I am not right for her, I could have really held myself back. i also dont' want to hurt her anymore than she is already hurting from her depression :( It feels like six and one-half dozen to the other.

Sometimes (rarely) I'm a childish, hopeless romantic and I just want to believe she'll come "home" and it'll all be ok. But I have to objectively look at reality. Any opinions would be nice :) Hope everyone is enjoying the day... I hope it turns cooler around here soon. Don't get me wrong 70-80 degree whether is nice, but its almost winter!

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 11/20/2011 3:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry about the situation your in with your partner, maybe write a note to her
asking if you could go out and talk things over, if she refuses then I'm guessing she's
over with you...
Call the person who asked you out that your getting over a relationship and would like some
more time, he/she should understand and that way, it gives you time to sort threw your
own life and what you want to do.
You deserve better and once your up to dating again, you will find the right person for
you....also, you should seek out counseling as well to get thru all this as it will be hard...
many well wishes to you and keep us posted as we do care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 11/20/2011 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Could you go out with this person as a friend? Tell her that is all it is? It may give you an oppertunity to get out and see how you like it. See if there are other people you can connect with on a friendly basis. You deserve the oppertunity to have more friends. There is nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that you don't lead her on as you are worried about doing. IF you are open up front, there will be no mixed signals.

Hope it all works out for you. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/20/2011 4:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I definitely think I could be her friend! I don't know her well, but I know enough about her to know what a great, happy, kind person she is... I guess that is why I care about leading her on.

And since it's such a small city, I have anxiety about my partner learning about how my time is spent... It's like I still have an obligation to her like we're dating, when we aren't. Maybe this is just part of getting used to the new situation.

Hope you're having a wonderful day- I took a PJ day :)

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/20/2011 4:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Chartreux,

I didn't see your post, I'm sorry. Thank you for your response! I am in counseling, have been since all of this started (about two months now). I have asked for resolution, but haven't really gotten any so.... I suppose there's my answer. Her depression is not only hurting her, it's hurting me too. I guess I am "too understanding" and compassionate sometimes.

Sometimes, in people's dark times, they unknowingly or unintentionally hurt others. I don't think she's purposely doing this to hurt me, but how long does one be "understanding"??? I am totally understanding, but it doesn't mean it's ok. At some point, I have to get over her condition and hurt, whether she is sorry or not. She has to get to that point herself.

Geez... this sure is difficult sometimes!!! Thank goodness for my fluffy Maltese and dryer sheets--- the little things that keep me happy lol

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 11/20/2011 8:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that you can appreciate the simple things in life, we get farther ahead that way.

I sure do hope that this all works out for you. As long as you don't do anything wrong, you have nothing to feel guilty about. And like you said, you two are sort of seperated. But I do understand you still could feel that, and it probably is because it is a new situation. You have to get use to your freedom.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I was out for awhile, jumped right into pj's when I got home. Just that kind of day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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