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Posted 4/5/2005 7:22 PM (GMT -8)
Hi everyone,

I have been reading this website for a couple of weeks and have enjoyed your encouragement and your unconditional acceptance.  I have had depression off and on for most of my life but for the last three and a half years I have been severly depressed.  Like most of you I have been through a long list of medications.  Right now I am on Topomax, Zoloft, Seroquel, and Wellbutrin  it almost seems to be my own pharmacey.

  I have been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist for the past three years and I definately have made progress but I still feel very insecure and anxiety ridden about getting on with my life because I feel like an episode is just around the corner.  Most days I feel very dead inside.  My savior right now is my work.  I often throw myself into my work and focus on doing what I can but after work I feel very sad and unmotivated and I do feel stuck. 

Furthermore therapy is very expensive since my insurance covers very little.  I have been so focused on just hanging in there and not giving up completely.  I have needed my therapist to guide me through this hell on earth. I have been in complete denial.  Sometimes I get inpatient and hard on myself because I feel like I am not making enough progress.  Do any of you ever feel like that?  The other frusturation I have is all of the medications!!! Thanks for letting me vent. 

Posted 4/5/2005 7:59 PM (GMT -8)
Welcome Cloudy !!!

I was just reviewing some of the recommended resources for depression (hear at HW) . . . I'll try to find the name of the one that stuck . . . it was something about living each day NOW even while you have depression. I'll try to find it and leave another post.

I'm glad you posted . . . there is something therapudic about writing your feelings. Are you able to get any physical activity into your day??? It has been very nice weather for the last couple days, here in Ohio. I can't tell you how much that helps me . . . the sunny days. I try to walk and hike (even go backpacking) when I am well enough. RainDance will tell you too that drinking enough water is therapudic too. I didn't know that.

I'm glad you have work . . . it does seem to help when you are busy. That's one reason I like to read and post here at Healing Well. I think some of the regulars here have found that volunteering helps too. One helps at a dog shelter.

I'm sure you'll get more responses to your post . . . make sure and keep us up to date about your progress (or lack thereof) . . . we like to keep an eye on each other.

Blessings!
Posted 4/5/2005 8:04 PM (GMT -8)
The title of the book was:

Forget Being Free of Depression, Start Living Now!

by G. Pearce, 7 Steps to a Depression Free Life
Suffering or not suffering from depression is not what's important, rather it is how we respond to depression and life events that counts.

If you click on the 3rd topic of the depression forum, "Depression Resources" you'll find some books and websites for depression. That one just stood out. I haven't read it . . . it's just that the title sounded so profound.

Blessings!
Posted 4/6/2005 10:20 AM (GMT -8)
Welcome Cloudy,

The biggest step I made was admitting I need help. It wounds like you are on that path and I am glad you found us. Too often I felt like I was wandering aimlessly in the wilderness. It was cold, dark, and lonely. I do not feel like I am out of it yet, but I do see a guiding light shining not too far off in the distance. My world is not nearly as dark as it use to be because I am allowing the light to come in now. I know you will find your light in the wilderness also. Again, welcome to the family.
Posted 4/6/2005 6:52 PM (GMT -8)
Thanks for all the support and the book title I will have to look that up.  You know I use to exercise a lot.  I was big into running but now I am lucky if I walk once or twice a week.  I have lost a lot of motivation and feel like most days I am just showing up.  I work full time and am taking a grad class.  Well I didn't go today.... I was just too upset after seeing my therapist.  I feel bad but I just couldn't focus.  I really try to stay busy but sometimes I think I get too wrapped up into work so I avoid other areas of my life.
Posted 4/6/2005 8:26 PM (GMT -8)
Hey Cloudy . . .

I know what you mean. It is hard to be motivated enough to move. When you are stuck . . . do you ever journal??? It's hard for me to do, but when I do write things down . . . just whatever comes into your head . . . it does seem to clear your mind. For some reason, thoughts written down and then read out loud are not as bad as they can be when you allow them to swirl around in your brain. Just a thought. I hope you are sleeping OK . . . if your not . . . figure out how to improve your sleep or ask your doc for some advice or meds if you need them.

Blessings!
Posted 4/7/2005 6:34 PM (GMT -8)
Hi Always Rosie

 

I do like writing in my journal.  It gives me an outlet to express my emotions even though sometimes I can't even put a label on it.  Sometimes I just feel completely numb. 

I have been working with my psychiatrist with sleep because without a good nights sleep it affects my whole mood energy, outlook etc.  She has put me on Seroquel and it has been fairly effective.

Three years ago before I became severly depressed I loved to run and felt so good about myself.  Now two pants sizes more I would be lucky if I could walk.  Any ideas on how to get more motivated?

Posted 4/7/2005 7:29 PM (GMT -8)
Well Cloudy,

I've heard it often, but . . . every journey begins with a single step. If you walk to your corner today and a little further each day you will have started a forward momentum.

There is a great book. Easy read. Fun. Called: "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson. It is a true story of Bill and his friend, Cats, who undertake a hike through the Application Trail . I got it from the library. A book on tape (so I could listen to it in the car). It was so good that I checked it out again a year later. If you like that one you can try a book (or book on tape) titled: "Into Thin Air" about an Everest expedition . . . again a true story.

I find these types of books to be very motivating and have since taken up backpacking. I LOVE IT!!!

Let us know how you do.

Blessings!
Posted 4/8/2005 6:50 PM (GMT -8)
Always Rosie,

Interesting, I have Into Thin Air on tape and Into the Woods collecting dust on the shelf.  I just got to take one step forward.  This week has been rather difficult.  My task this weekend is to structure and to stay busy.  Thank you again for your support.

I wish that I had a stronger belief system in God.  These last few years have been very disappointing, angry, and I feel pretty hardened.  Not that I am giving up hope I just know that this is where I am at on my journey.

Posted 4/8/2005 7:37 PM (GMT -8)
Cloudy . . . every person you meet will dissapoint you at one time or many times. Perfection is God's alone. If you do decide to search for a church family, may I suggest going to WWW.willowcreek.org . . . lots of good info there. It is a non-denominational, contemporary style church. If you look on the home page, there is a link for finding a similar style church in your area. A church family can be a real network of support. I highly recommend such community.

Blessings!
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