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greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/22/2011 8:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,

I hope you are having a great day so far. It is rainy here and I left my car window open last night... needless to say it made for a wet morning. I got wind last night that my ex is really getting into some messy business- hanging out with the wrong crowd; taking medicine to stay up all night in exchange for other pills; not eating. I called and left a voicemail that I would like my things back from her, no answer.

I spoke to a friend this morning who is growing more concerned about the whole situation. She is working on a masters in counseling and suggested that I may need to let ex's family know what's gong on. I am not afraid of her being mad at me, I just don't want to cause other people to worry if all of this is just my anxiety. But it's a small town... and people are starting to talk about how bad she seems; it can't just be my perception.

I know that people can only get better when they want to, and I'm not forcing her to get better, but I think it's time her family is aware of what's going on. They all grieved the loss of a family friend earlier this year when his depression became too much for him to handle and I know that they are concerned with the same situation happening to her. Is it out of line for me to call her sister and express my concern? None of us really have an idea of how good/bad she is; she puts on a really good show.

Surprisingly, I'm not all too anxious about this. I just don't know when you cross the line of involving loved ones... Ex doesn't have many close friends, she hasn't stayed in contact with anyone for years prior to this. I'm really the only one who has known what she's going through and now that other people are concerned, I know I'm not crazy.

I just have a bad feeling something terrible is going to happen.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42283
   Posted 11/22/2011 8:50 AM (GMT -6)   
I thnk it would be a good idea to talk to her sister. Maybe they can do an intervention with her. It sounds like she is spiraling out of control, messing with pills and all that bad stuff. And I know how much you care about her. So talking to her sister wouldn't be out of line.

I know about the preminitions. And it sounds like she is headed for a fall out. Or a melt down. Not good at all.

Talk to her sis, let her know your concerns. See what she has to say. Partying is okay once in awhile, but it sounds like she is doing it every chance she gets. Let me know how it goes.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/22/2011 9:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you. I'm not sure how to phrase things without making accusations or causing unnecessary worry... but an intervention was what a friend/therapist of mine suggested also. I really dislike that I care so much sometimes, but I see this ending very badly, very quickly.

Also, this could really ensure that we are not a part of each other's lives. One wrong word and someone could hate me forever :( I texted her sister asking if we could chat today, so I'll let you know how that goes.

Thanks.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42283
   Posted 11/22/2011 9:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks,

Do let us know what her sister says.

I hope that they can help her.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/22/2011 11:03 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm really nervous. I don't know how to phrase things, I don't even know if it's my place to call and tell someone. I know that she acts like everything is fine to everyone else, but she's not fine. I was hoping if her family knew maybe they could help since I assume she's going home for Thanksgiving.

Oh yes, I got all of my things back. She wouldn't deal with me, but she brought them to a friend and left them at the door.

Please pray that I find the correct words to help someone without making matters worse.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42283
   Posted 11/22/2011 11:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Just show your concern, and leave it up to them. It sounds like the sister is willing to talk to you. Maybe she is worried too. I hope that you can help her in some way. But I think showing concern is okay at this point, but I wouldn't get anymore involved if you don't have to. I am glad that you got your things back. It does seem like she is avoiding you at this point, but atleast she did return your stuff. That is good. She didn't ignore you in that matter.

Did you say before that this all became because you wanted space? I was just curious. It really doesn't matter, but I couldn't remember. It is almost like she got mad about it and went on a binge or something with her life. Oh well, this will get sorted out. I respect your concern for her and I think what you are doing is okay. You can start out just by asking about her. I am sure she will be honest with you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/22/2011 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, her depression was wearing me out after four months and multiple requests for her to get help. I told her I needed to step back because it was pulling me down too and since I had been depressed before, I knew what to avoid. She was unintentionally hurting me and I understood that, but the mood swings, constant crying, lack of care, ignoring me, neglecting me... I needed a break. She ended up losing all my trust and I think that really deepened the depression. She was so sad... only laid around and cried. I have wondered many times if I should have gotten a professional involved then.

Once she got into counseling, I assured her that we could attend sessions together once she was better as an individual. Long story short, she woke up one day, said she couldn't keep hurting me while she "got better". Thing is, she hasn't gotten any better. I worry because like I said, I was the only person she was close to enough to know something is wrong. I guess none of our other friends take depression seriously because they just keep saying, "she's depressed, just move on". I dont think she's in counseling anymore.

Many people knew her before we met and they say that she is behaving "like she did before us". She talked to me about that time period of her life... she wasn't happy at all and she said no one ever cared. That's why I know she's not ok. Well, that and the last thing she said to me was "I'm a mess". This behavior is not who she is at all, she is just surrounding herself with people who will deem it acceptable.

I wish I could explain it all so that it made more sense. I think she's had the opportunity to help herself and if she truly is to a point of drugs/alcohol... this is what I consider "serious". Sometimes we are not capable of helping ourselves, I think. I know that's why she got me out of her life- she tried to get better and it was hard and she knows that was the only option with me. She knows I'm not going to let her hurt herself more. I really just think she is scared... if you could have seen how scared she was when she begged for help... you'd understand.

20 minutes till phone call time :/

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42283
   Posted 11/22/2011 12:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Don't blame yourself for not getting her help sooner. Only she can do that. I think you have done a lot for her. I totally understand where you are coming from. You see the signs. I wish you luck with the call. Let me know how it goes.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/22/2011 1:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Welp, I talked to her sister. She was really calm and listened to everything. She said that whenever she talks to my ex that she is very short. I didn't know this, but she said they have never been close, so she was glad that I told her what is going on.

She is younger and doesn't know what to do either. She said she will try to get the family to help and to please let me know if anything else goes on that I hear about. I feel better knowing that I told someone else about it and that she listened. I know many of you say that only she can help herself, but maybe the family can help her with a dose of reality. I feel bad a little though because like me, she doesn't know what to do either.

They have plans to attend graduation, so I guess that's still in the works. Its silly, but it bothers me that I'm not invited. I was a strong influence in her academics and I'd still be proud of her regardless of if we're speaking or not. Oh well.

Thanks for today Karen. I gotta get back to taking care of me. Sometimes it feels like she still has a part of me and that I have to take care of it too. :(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42283
   Posted 11/22/2011 1:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that you talked to her sister. But sorry that they aren't closer. It sounds like you got a little closure today maybe. I am glad that you are going to take care of you. That is so important. We have to have a life of our own.

You will always probably be a part of eachother. You have history. I think that this is going to work out for you, it just takes some time. In the meantime, I hope she gets the help that she needs. Maybe family can push her towards the healing journey.

I hope that you are feeling better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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