Thank you for your post. This really helped me.
I completely agree with your first comment. If the situation was reversed, I would not instantly trust him either. I would definitely need time to build my trust back.
Two nights ago, we talked about the situation. We always talk about breaking up through texting. Two nights ago, in person, we really talked it through. I explained to him how I feel about men. I feel abandoned by my biological father, as I was given up for adoption. I feel abandoned by my adoptive father, as I do not talk to him very much at all anymore (my adoptive father also suffers from severe brain damage which I do not blame him for but it is very hard to even hold a conversation with him).
I explained to my boyfriend how he was the first male in my life that I felt completely and utterly connected to. I felt like he truly cared about me and wanted to make me happy however he could. We had the best year together, probably one of the best years of my life. When he broke up with me, I felt like I was losing everything. I felt like I needed him in my life and he was throwing me away.
He told me he needed space, he just wanted to be friends. I took this as- It's over. So, I went out and tried to forget him and tried to get over him. Instead, I now feel disgusting and even worse than I did when he initially broke up with me.
I feel so lucky that he even took me back.
I giggled at your time machine comment. Nobody has ever explained this better to me. I definitely need to learn from what I have done wrong and grow from my successes.
As for the drinking, I don't do it very often and I now try my best to have a very limited amount when I choose to do so. I brought it up to my boyfriend that I wouldn't drink or go out to parties. He told me he doesn't think that would solve it, he just thinks I need to control myself. I agree with this but sometimes I also feel that my medication may affect my alcohol intake.
One question, what do you mean by "the only difference is that rate the judgement goes and what goes with it."?