I'm new here/holiday depression

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temdr
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/25/2011 3:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. I have been suffering from depression for 15 years. In the last 5 years, I lost my beloved brother and mother. Then this past January, I lost my sweet daddy. I have 2 sons who are in their early 20's.

I am alone, except for my dog. My youngest son decided to spend Thanksgiving with a friend. My oldest spent it with his girlfriend. This was the first holiday without my mom, dad, and brother. I needed my sons. But, I didn't have their support. I am so depressed and angry. I have now isolated myself from them. I blocked their phone numbers on my phone. I don't want to talk with them. They want their carefree life...so they can have it.

It is obvious that I have to be "well" and stable before they will be a part of my life. I took on the role of caregiver when my parents became sick. My father had Alzheimer's and needed alot of care. I know my sons are young and I only wanted a holiday with them. I guess it is time for me to accept and forge a life of being alone. I have bounced back from some dark times before and I will again.

But, right now, I am severely depressed. Barely can get out of bed. So hurt and angry. Doing the best I can to take care of myself and my darling dog.

Thanks for letting me vent here. I appreciate it.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 11/25/2011 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Temdr, I've been through a similar situation, so I know how you feel.

First, there's an old expression that applies: "when you love something enough to let it go, it always comes back to you." Secondly, it isn't that your sons intentionally wanted to hurt you; they have not lived long enough to know how to understand your position at this point in your life. It's more of an unawareness than anything. And, too, you have been through grief and are still in one of its stages, so it would help you if you could realize that
experience is the thing that will help them to appreciate your situation.

I would try to do some volunteer work that will put you in contact with new people with whom you might build lasting friendships. There are more lonely people out there than you can ever know. Get active again in doing for others and your own needs will be 50% met, as well. Keep the doors open for your sons, in addition, forgiving them for their ignorance of your loneliness. 
 
If you need medication to help with the depression, please don't hesitate to ask your doctor for a proper prescription. That may help ease your transition back into a part-time volunteer position for your health. If you don't want to volunteer for work, try something like this forum for posting to others who have a problem similar to yours. You could be of great value particularly to those who are on the Alzheimer's Forum since you've lived through that with a relative. These care-givers always appreciate helpful advice about the illness.

Take care,and welcome to the Depression Forum; please continue to post as you wish. People here are compassionate and know your dilemma and will try to help.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/25/2011 2:36:49 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 11/25/2011 5:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Temdr,

I see IG has welcomed you to the forum, and I would also like to welcome you.

Yes, do try to forgive. I agree with IG, they didn't realize your lonliness. Keep the doors of communication open. You don't want to lose them in your life. My hubby and his son are fighting. So I didn't get to see my grandchildren this Thanksgiving. I am hoping that they make up before Christmass. I don't want to miss the holidays with them. They mean so much to me. So please forgive and move on along side your children. Life is too short...

I think volunteering would be good for you. You sound like a caregiver and that maybe you need to be able to do for others. IT is such a good feeling.

I hope that you feel better soon. Do keep posting. We all do care here.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

temdr
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/25/2011 6:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your replies. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

Some more information for you. I have been in counseling with the same therapist for the past 5 years. This was invaluable to me as I was going through my losses. I also see a psychiatrist regularly. I am on medications. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression, bipolar type 2, and panic/anxiety disorder. So, pretty much, I am a mental health mess.

I am unable to go to the grocery store (have my groceries delivered). I cannot handle places like Target or Walmart because of the crowds. I shop online for things I need. This has been a problem for many, many years. When my sons were little, I hid and faked it for them. It was only when their were in their late teens that I began educating them about this. They have attended a therapy session with me as well as an appt. with my personal physician. Through these discussions, the importance of family support was stressed. So, it isn't like they don't know.

Because of my mental health issues, I have lost my 12-year career as an elementary teacher. I would love to volunteer, but the thought of going somewhere crowded sends me into a panic. I'm not there yet.

As for forgiving my sons for their selfish behavior, I am not there yet either. There have been other times when I am in crisis and I have reached out to them (I don't have anyone else), and they throw it in my face. Saying that I am bothering them and why I am doing this to "them".

So...I have the message now. I am alone in this fight and will find a way to move about life without their support. As long as I am in the comfort of my little apartment with my cute dog, I feel safe.

Again...thanks for the opportunity to reach out here.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 11/25/2011 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I have a tendancy to have a hard time getting out amongst people, but once I get there, I am okay. But given the oppertunity, I stay home. IF this is repeated incident on your sons parts, maybe it is better if you break contact. It just seems so sad.

Set small goals. Maybe take baby steps. But continue trying to get out around people if you can. A certain amount of exposure and fresh air is healthy. I am fortunate. I have a nice piece of property I can walk when I need to get out. Try not to seclude yourself so much. But as I said, baby steps.

Are you comfortable being alone? I am. So it may be more of a choice than a phobia for me. But I am married so I am not completely alone. And I have my dog to keep me company.

Just keep in mind that there are times when we need to go out of our comfort zone. Try to take it slowly and breathe. Keep in mnd we are all here for you. I hope that this finds you feeling well.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 11/25/2011 11:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't think you should cut them out of your life, even if you aren't ready to forgive. If things turn around for you in a few weeks, months, or years, it'll get harder as time passes to rebuild your relationship with them. Things will change as they get older. Young men have difficulty expressing emotions because it is not typically socially acceptable for them to do so. If they have not experienced depression themselves, it will be even harder for them to understand and respond the way you want them to.

I've ruined a few relationships with past boyfriends because I wanted more support from them than they were realistically able to give. I've learned that I need to have another support network that understands what I'm going through so I'm not putting all of the baggage into my relationship. This might be similar to what is happening for you. Your children should certainly be there for you, but considering they are young men and in their early 20's, it's going to be a rough couple of years until they settle down and can understand you and life in general better than they do now.

If you are not ready for work or volunteering, then reaching out online to gain some support and make new friendships is great. You have somewhere else to turn besides your sons, so you will never feel alone and unsupported. I really hope things get better for you. Just take one day at a time, and like Karen said, baby steps are key.

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."


Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

temdr
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 11/26/2011 9:36 AM (GMT -6)   
I am not doing well this morning. I spoke with my older son last night. It was tense as I had to carefully choose my words. But, what I did get was that I backed him into a corner and put him in the middle between me and his girlfriend. I ended up doing what I always do...apologizing for everything (even though I didn't mean it). Whether it is rational or not, I am furious with his girlfriend. She whined that she didn't want to be alone.

Anyway...I have read your replies and I understand what you are all saying. At least my head does. My heart is hurt though. So, my older son can't support me in a crisis situation unless it works out for his girlfriend. And my younger son only calls me when he wants a free dinner out somewhere every few weeks.

I am going to move on without them. All I do is create problems and grief for them. They obviously don't want much contact with me. So, they can have their wish. I am not going to walk on eggshells around them, faking how I feel anymore. I somehow knew that this day would come. There have been signs and signals in the past. This is just the last straw. I am devastated more than I can say.

Thanks for letting me vent.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 11/26/2011 10:23 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry that this is happening to you. But try not to let it get you down. They are young and immature. What comes around, goes around. The same will happen tto them with their children in the future.

Forgiving is the best thing to try to do. It cleanses us. Even if you think you don't deserve to. Life is so short. There isn't time for grudges and hatered. The girlfriend will come around once she has children of her own. At least give them until their 30's to understand. They are so young yet. You are a good mother. You are wise. I think you can forgive and forget.

IF you decide to just forget, know we are still here behind you. And we are supporting you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 11/26/2011 12:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you're right Temdr, and so is Gettingby.You need to move on with your life, and at the same time, make no room for hatred and grudges.

Grudges and hatred are destructive to you. The answer will be to find a contribution you are able to make to life, which will raise your level of positive feeling tone greatly. If you need more time to recover from the losses, do take it, but eventually, find the positive things that will  lift you up.

Many of us take a religious view of life and rely on spiritual principles to keep our life in balance. Try that; give it your best, and you will find rewards that you would not have imagined.

Take care and continue to post.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/26/2011 10:10:29 AM (GMT-7)


beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 227
   Posted 11/27/2011 2:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, not much advise from me as I cannot help my own depression. A long time ago I learnt to forgive others, this is hard but after a while it is easy you just letgo. I no I had to forgive others as when I felt angry and upset my stomache would churn, I would get pain in the stomache and have to continually take antacids. I guess this made me realise I was hurting myself. I have not learnt how to forgive myself, this is my problem. Sorry, not much help from me.
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