Hey guys it's been awhile since I posted, probably like a week or so and that's a long time for me to not vent lately. I started taking lexapro last week. My current psychologist that I went back to would only accept me back if I agreed to speak with a psychiatrist that he works with. In the past he told me that I needed medication to get better, something that I have always resisted against..(tried cymbalta and that did nothing for me so I wanted to try no meds). It's my 5th or 6th day on lexapro and I just generally feel disinterested in everything. The holidays made everything a lot worse for me too.
Seeing my family and friends all being happy together and joking around, confident, and just enjoying life. And here I am dreading every minute of it. Feeling totally lost, a shell of my former self, and not much strength left in me. I've been fighting this for 2-3 years now. I've tried the toughen it up and just keep going about your business method and it doesn't seem to work. I'm currently in a job that I have no idea why I'm even there. I went into a major depression/manic depression/severe anxiety mode 2 years ago while working in my fathers business. I blamed everything on that and decided to leave in hopes of fixing how I was feeling. It didn't work.
I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to feel better and be left alone. Is that normal? Am I slipping just further into depression? My friends call me to hang out or to go and do something and I am really not interested at all. I feel bad, but I can't handle the guilt o fhanging out with them. Whenever I do I don't feel anything, I feel like I don't even know them, I feel like everything is fake and not really happening, I'm very confused and lost a lot. So I just basically sit in my room and trying to wait this out and have the medicine start taking effect. It's been a week and I guess they say it takes about 3-4 weeks to really get in your system. In the meantime I'm just trying to hang onto my job for the benefits. I'm extremely upset and struggle to just get through work everyday.
And sleep? ha....I don't know what that is anymore. I take a xanax at night to try and sleep and I maybe get 5-6 hours of sleep total a day and even if I do get tha tmuch, it's completely broken up. 2 hours here, wake up, 2 hours there, wake up. When this all first started 2 years ago I didn't sleep for 6-7 days. Really don't know what else to do anymore or where to turn. I'm just trying to trust my doctor and do what he says because that seems to be my only option left. On thanksgiving I struggled through just sitting at the dinner table for a half an hour and attempting to talk to my family. After dinner we were going to go to my cousins house to go play poker, a tradition that we always do and something I used to love prior to all these issues. I didn't even go. I felt so out of it and confused and tired, I just stayed home by myself while my family went. I'm 26 and although I try to be optomistic, I don't really see this getting much better. What the hell is this? I keep thinking the 6-7 days of never sleeping could possibly make me bipolar? I brought it up to my doc but they never really gave me their opinion on it, they keep telling me it's just anxiety/depression. Time to go lay down and watch some more pointless TV because there's really nothing else I want to do at the moment.