Depressed husband

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PoPo
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/28/2011 2:05 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband is depressed and suicidal. He has been this way for 3 years. Unfortunately I have only known for 4 weeks. I put his occasional different behavior down to stress with work and life in general/ We all get stressed right?

He told me when we were on holiday in a different country. It felt very unsafe to be in a strange land so I booked us flights to get us home.

He agreed to go to the Doctor. He was told no chemical imbalance but given a leaflet for CBT.

After a 1 hour talk to the CBT team and one hour with a support person through work he has come up with ME as the problem.

We married 2 years ago after living together for 9 years, He seemed like the happiest man in the world when we set a wedding ate. On the day he glowed! He seemed so happy and excited.

He now tells me that it was a lie. In fact the vows he took in church were lies. He did not love me then and does not love me know.

He says that I am the only thing to hang on to. Yet he pushes me away. I cant touch him. Every word I speak is wrong.

We moved into our FOREVER home 8 months ago. Again he was over the moon - or so it seemed. He now says the home is like a prison.

Last sunday he left - saying he needed to be away from here/me. He said he would come back after one week. He came back yesterday.

He moved his things into a spare room and went to bed. He did tell me about the time line he had done with CBT team and marrying be is the cause.

What do I do? I want to support him. I love him unconditionally. I try to hide my hurt. It is not always easy. I just dont know what I should do - how I should behave.

My whole being is in so much pain. I look at him and he is empty. He says everything is GREY.

What do we do to bring him through this?

I feel like I just want to curl up and pass away. I must be strong. How do I manage that.

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 11/28/2011 2:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello, PoPo, and welcome to the Depression Forum.

What kind of doctor did he see? It doesn't sound to me as if he has seen a psychiatrist, because something is obviously seriously wrong with his feelings, and it needs to be corrected.

Don't give up. See a psychiatrist yourself to find out what's happening.  Then, persuade him to go with you to see your physician. More than cognitive behavioral therapy is called for, in my view. He needs to be on medication and therapy given by a specialist.

Keep us posted on how you are getting along. You cannot help but be very distressed over the current situation, and, between you and me, it isn't one that is going to be workable until he gets the right diagnosis and assistance medically by a psychiatrist.

Take care.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/28/2011 12:23:30 AM (GMT-7)


PoPo
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/28/2011 2:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much for the reply. It means so much that someone is there. I feel so alone.

He saw the GP.

He wont come with me to anything. That is one thing that is very clear. Even looking at me is hard for him.

He says he cant stand to see the hurt in my eyes.

I think my son and I need help for sure.

I just dont know what to do for the best. Everything I read says just try to be normal/ I am trying so very very hard to do that.

I love him. I want to help. If I am the cause I don't want to hurt him. I want hm to have colour back in his life.

I am trying to be strong but feel like I am falling apart.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 11/28/2011 3:01 AM (GMT -6)   
PoPo, I think you might wish to see a psychiatrist just for your own
strengthening and encouragement. Even if he won't go with you, you need to know more so that it won't be so devastating to you.

Had he seen a psychiatrist initially, he might have learned that he is projecting his own inadequacies onto you and that, in fact, you may be responsible for only a minuscule portion of the problem. Frankly, it looks like a strong depression to me, but we aren't doctors and can't make a diagnosis.

Once you're into therapy, your husband may be more willing to go see one  since you will show remarkably positive results and ability to handle your marriage more effectively. Your son also needs your strength and support.

I'm always a little nervous about unconditional love, because there are conditions that make it almost imposssible to love one who is just baulking at every attempt to get help. He needs a good talking to by a man who is strong and qualified to point out to him what he's doing that is so unintelligent. Who knows? It could be something that will break in a psychiatric meeting that will remove all the pain both of you are suffering now.

My compassion goes out to you, and I hope you will act for your own benefit very soon.  Keep us posted as you would like to for
your release of stress; the members are all here for you.

Take care of you first, please.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 11/28/2011 1:17:38 AM (GMT-7)


bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 11/28/2011 7:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Without ultimatums, you need to be assertive in getting him to a prescribing psychiatrist asap...grey is the color of the depressed world...also, as IG has said you and your son need counseling like and alcoholic's family needs co-counseling

We are here and we care...gotta get daughter up for school.

Keep posting
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica


welbutrin HBP meds seroquel hydrocodone magnesium potassium multi vit

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 11/28/2011 9:39 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry for your situation. It really hurts to feel unloved. I hope that your husband gets the help he needs and gets his feelings straight.

If he truly doesn't love you (which I don't think is the case), you need to get on with your child and still have a good life. I highly do recommend the counseling to keep yourself strong. I imagine that you are very hurt right now.

Do keep posting, know we are all here for you. We are a pretty close knit group.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 11/28/2011 2:20 PM (GMT -6)   
This sounds like a really difficult situation. I can't imagine that you are the sole cause of the way he is feeling. Right now to him, it may seem to make the most sense. I don't think it is good to "hide" your hurt, like others have suggested, I think it would be best for you to seek counseling from a professional. That way, you would be effectively dealing with your pain, not squishing it down.

Depression is really a miserable thing for all involved. I have been dealing with a depressed loved one for a couple months now and though it may not seem like it right now, it will get better for you. I'd like to share something I read last week that really helped me. I have been trying to "help" for a long time and to no avail. Anyway, here it is:" Your 'love' is not enough to fix this. You are too close to the depressed person to be able to solve the problem. Step back, admit that you alone are powerless against the disorder. The first stage to helping the other person is to help yourself".

You see, we can't save someone from their depression. Of course, we can love them and show support, but sometimes, the best way to love and show support is just by being a quiet bystander. I would continue to encourage your husband to attain the correct diagnosis/medications and after that, I would really just focus on myself and my son. It is going to be very very difficult, but you can't convince someone they don't want to be depressed any longer, they have to want that on their own.

Also, I understand the feelings of not being loved. I am sorry you feel that way, maybe it would be good to spend time with family or friends who do love you. Please don't blame yourself for your husband's condition. I don't think one thing can truly be to blame in depression and right now, he may have feelings of resentment towards you and is lashing out.

Take care of yourself :)

ShootingStar
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 12/14/2011 11:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I would really suggest couples therapy. If he's not willing to do that then maybe he's not willing to fix the marriage. I agree with others saying you should see a therapist yourself. Also really try to establish strong relationships with friends and family during this period because they are there to help you go through tough times.

if you ever need to talk I am here for you also.

this whole network is!

Good luck hun

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/14/2011 11:55 PM (GMT -6)   
ShootingStar,

Welcome to the depression forum. I see you post on a/p also. That is a wonderful forum too. You will make friends in both places.

Do keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/15/2011 12:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Popo...I am really sorry for the situation you find yourself in, this is got to be a test of strength. I think what I.G. says about you going and finding therapy for you is dead on. You have to take care of you, and I know you love your husband but, love you more. I will pray that you find the right path to take, just watch out for you and your son. Take care and I wish you the best.


Bless you, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others
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