When I was younger, my dad always told me " People don't hurt your feelings, you let them hurt your feelings". I thought about
that last week and decided that I wouldn't let my ex's current actions hurt me anymore. I really have to make a conscious effort to do so, but like anything, I'm sure it will pay off. The bad part is.... I'm still really hurt by her betrayal of my trust before this whole shindig started. Her betrayal was the reason I first sought counseling again and everything just snowballed after that with her depression. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say my pain was at about
a 15. Its not so constricting anymore, maybe around a 9/10, but it still hurts. Its odd, I don't think about
the situation, but my heart feels it. When I do think about
it, all I can do is cry. So, I don't think about
Nothing that she can say or do at this point would help me feel better (not like she's trying). To some, it may not be a big deal to lose someone's trust, but to me, that's one of the things I hold most valuable. Ever since we have met, I have told her, "if you ever do _____, it will literally break my heart". I wasn't kidding. It goes back to events in my past I knew that a certain situation would bring up emotions that I just CANNOT handle.
When she sees my friends, she talks about
how great/wonderful/kind I am. Friend, let me tell you something, if you think so highly of someone, USE YOUR BIG GIRL WORDS AND COMMUNICATE! She poured salt on an
open wound by ignoring me... Maybe I am silly for not understanding that "figuring things out" means "not talking to you". Now I know for the future. I think she is immature for not clearly communicating "I'd like if we didn't contact each other". Again, some of you may think I should have picked up on that. I specifically asked her that weeks ago, making it an easy yes or no, and as expected, no answer. I'm not a perfect communicator, but I'm clearly more advanced than her and it's FRUSTRATING.
I am not sad right now, I just wanted to vent. I know that so many other people have way more challenging situations and I do feel guilty that mine has affected me so badly; I can't ignore it though, that's not healthy. I am thankful for the day and the wonderful things it brings. CASA training last night was very informative, made me feel like I was back in school again. I know that it will be fulfilling to help those children, but in no way do I think it will be easy. I'm going to a fundraiser tonight for a local who is battling cancer. Just so happens that ex is good friends with her, we went to her wedding this summer. Prayers for the fundraiser and for my strength (should I happen to see her) are greatly appreciated!