My husband is depressed, and doesn't want help....what do I do?

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1989motherof2
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/30/2011 9:47 PM (GMT -6)   
My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years, but we have been together for over 10. He is very depressed and dependent on alcohol right now. He went to an AA meeting this past weekend and seemed to like it, and it seemed to help. But now he is drinking again and feeling worse. He is being reckless, not coming home from work and going out with his buddies. Not helping me with our two young children, etc. He told me last week he wants help, and I typed up some options that I found for him about doctors, and therapists, etc....I logged on to my computer today and it was deleted. He doesn't want help anymore...and I am at my wits end. I am trying to be comforting and helpful, but he is making it impossible. I'm feeling worn out myself and I can't do it anymore. What do I do?

sos007
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/1/2011 12:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear 1989....I am so sorry to hear what all you have had to deal with. I hate to be a downer but, he has to want to make changes. I wish it was easier than that but, people with addictions have to want to stop. Have you and your children gone to AA for families of alcholics. My cousins went as their Dad had an drinking problem it seemed to really help them.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

Bless you, Amy


Chronic pain(nerve), fibro and mild depression

JenniG
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 12/1/2011 7:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome 1989 cool

I am dealing with the exact same thing right now, it's very difficult to go through. I myself am being treated for depression and alcohol abuse. I am on medication and see a therapist once a week. However, since I began treatment my husband's alcohol abuse has become much worse. He drinks to the point of stumbling, running into things and even drinking so much that he is sick for 2 days. He denies getting sick is alcohol poisoning, and claims he must have caught a bug. He doesn't believe I should be on meds or that my therapy will do me any good, which it definitely has. Since he doesn't believe in my outreach for help, I know he will not get help. He is in complete denial and it truly scares me, particulalrly with him getting so sick and stumbling so often.

My children have been so happy since I haven't been drinking, and now that I'm sober all of the time and not just some of the time, I realize what a profound affect it was having on them. Their father's drinking still affects them and it makes me so sad and angry. We could be doing this together, but instead he makes my healing even harder by his behavior. It's taken me a long time, but I've finally decided I've done everything I can to help him, I need to focus on myself and the kids now. I am working out a plan to leave, and once I have it in place, it unfortunately is ultimatum time. He needs to choose his family or his drinking, but he can't have both anymore. I will try to get better with him, but if I have to do it on my own, away from him I will. Nothing is more important to me than my children's well being and if we have to start over ourselves for them to have a healthy childhood, then I've decided that is what will have to happen.

Good luck to you. I hope your husband doesn't continue to live in denial!

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 12/1/2011 8:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Getting sober is sobering. You do realize the effect that you have on others. You sound like you have found strength. You have a plan. I am glad. It is hard when you can't help the other person, but you are doing the right thing helping yourself and your children. I commend you on that.

Keep trying guys, that is all we can do. Take care of us. The rest will hopefully fall into place.

Never give up hope.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 12/1/2011 10:19 AM (GMT -6)   
As the old saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, but that does not mean you can't drink while you are standing there at the trough.

At this point I think the best thing for you to do is get some counseling/support for yourself. There are all kinds of support groups for the spouses of people who are depressed, alcohol dependent, etc.

If you don't know where to start try contacting your local AA chapter and your county mental health department. Your local hospital may also have resources or information available as well.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/2/2011 10:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, alcohol makes me significantly more depressed so I dont drink. In my case medication has helped me with sleep and has reduced much of my episodes of crying. Also with me life became so distressing it was unbearable and that was when I seeked help. I know if I got help ealier I would be in a much better position but I thought I could cope. Advice is tricky, he must firstly accept he has a problem, this is out of your control. Managing depression with medication will cerainly reduce the severity of the depression. Sorry I could not be more helpful.

1989motherof2
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/2/2011 10:36 PM (GMT -6)   
The problem is that he came to me vulnerable and said that he wants help and he needs help and that he wanted me to help him get that help....and I tried, and I got a ton of information together, and then he basically threw it all in my face a few days later (not literally)...but he used the exact words "I am who I am, and those who don't like that, and can't accept it, then they can **** off". (in terms of getting help for both the alcohol and the depression). I am just at a loss. I love him and I can't imagine life without him, and being a single mother of two kids under 5...but I don't know what to do.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/3/2011 1:16 AM (GMT -6)   
1989...I think jellyg has the right idea. I think you should do what she is doing, make a plan this will take time. When you do you can give him a choice you and the kids or his booze. Protect your children you are their voice. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck on your journey an please keep us posted.


Jellyg...you should be so proud of yourself. Good for you, keep protecting those kids they need you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Bless you both, Amy

Chronic pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others
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