He needs me ...

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Fish out of water
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 12/1/2011 6:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey!
I'm 19 years old. I have a boyfriend which I love A LOT! Hes suffering from tensions these days. Those tensions are family related and hes very upset emotionally and mentally! Is disturbed all the time.

On the other hand I dont know how to get him out of this situation! I try to console him. But it doesn't work much. As i'm not good with expressing my feelings. I try staying quiet as well but that doesn't help AT ALL! he needs me so much and calls and texts me all the time. But I just don't know how to make things better.

Please help me out in this. So that I cant make his tensions worse and frustrate him.

Thanku!

Post Edited (Fish out of water) : 12/1/2011 5:46:05 AM (GMT-7)


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 12/1/2011 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Fish out of water,
Only thing is to see if he's getting counseling, most Universities/Colleges offer
up these services...If he backs off of counseling maybe consider he's not
the best boyfriend for you...He'll need more help than what you can give him to deal
with all his family pressures/tensions and counseling is the best way of him getting that help
so he can control his anger...otherwise this situation could get explosive on you and fast
and then he might harm you without knowing it...Sorry your in this type of situations,
but tell him he's worth getting counseling...and that I hope it'll help you both.
Many well wishes...you got a lot to think about and it's not going to be easy...
Keep us posted we do truly care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/1/2011 8:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Fish,

I agree with Chartreux completely. He has to help himself by seeking counseling or someone he can confide in other than you with these feelings. I was in a similar situation with my partner not too long ago. She would only talk to me about the death of her friend, her upset feelings toward family members and things that bothered her in the past. Because she was so dependent on me, she would get annoyed with me for going out or spending the weekend out of town with friends. It was odd to see that side of her, as I knew that wasn't who she was. She started slacking with homework and work responsibilities and only wanted to be around me when she needed sleep because she didn't want to sleep alone. It all started off just "needing me" a little. As her gf, I wanted to be there. She kept promising to get help, but never did and it only got worse.

I essentially was enabling that behavior, letting her think it was ok to avoid what she was feeling or thinking. We do not speak anymore and as far as I know, she has quit her meds and counseling. Do not leave your boyfriend, instead, encourage him to seek counseling. You must prepare yourself that sometimes, people are not ready or do not want help. So many people told me that I had to help myself before I can help anyone else and it's very true. It will be very easy for you to also fall into a bad place the longer you are around your bf. It's not anyone's fault, it just happens. It's a reality that our behavior doesn't only affects us, it affects many around us.

Be supportive, strongly encourage he seek counseling and continue doing things that make you happy. Whether it's a bubble bath, getting your nails done, taking a walk... keep your happiness alive also!

Good luck! It won't be easy, but anything worthwhile is rarely easy.

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 12/1/2011 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Your boyfriend really needs to see a counselor. If he won't go alone then see if you can get him to go if you go with him, at least to start.

As mentioned if he is in college there are resources at the school and if he isn't then he can go through the local mental health department.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/1/2011 3:12 PM (GMT -6)   
What do you mean, Fish Out of Water, "so that I can make his tensions worse and frustrate him?" Or do you realize what you have just said?

You are suggesting that you want out of the friendship. I can see why.  He may very well be sensing unconsciously that this is what you want and that's why he continues the all-too-frequent calls and messages.

Why don't you suggest that he talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist? That's the shortest and quickest way for him to get help and leave you out of his personal dilemma. You may wish to ask him to do that.

It will also give you some time to reflect on what you want in your life.


Take care.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/1/2011 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
We can't blame ourselves for somebody elses depression. They may blame us, but they actually own it. And we aren't responsible. But we can suggest counseling or a doctor. I hope that you don't blame yourself for this.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/1/2011 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
AMEN to that. Those statements are far-reaching and they should
be applied to every post the forum receives, in my view  We are not responsible for someone else's depression, though others may try to project it onto us. That, and the other statement tend to help strongly to move us toward independence of thought and feelings.

Thank you very much for that.
 
It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/1/2011 3:51:57 PM (GMT-7)


Fish out of water
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 12/2/2011 6:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank u so much everybody for ur so kind replies!

It feels better now. He said sorry for being harsh to me and the problem is sort of over now. I don't need to rethink our relationship, I love him too much. With that he also surprises me with some gifts or our old memories or pictures everyday for my birthday that is 10 days ahead. But he always starts celebrating it 10 days before the actual day. I feel good and Im sure things will turn out great. :)

Im sure he will never harm me. That's close to impossible.

Thanku so much everybody! U guys are more like my family. Always listening to whatever I have to say. It feels great! Love to all! :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/2/2011 7:17 AM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that he is feeling well enough to continue with the tradition of giving gifts to you before your birthday. I bet that feels good. I hope he continues to feel well. It must make him feel good to make you happy. I hope that this continues.

I hope he would never harm you. If he ever does, make sure to let us know...

Take care, have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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