just wanted to get this out

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/5/2011 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I am new to this forum. It was the first thing that popped up when I googled depression forums. I guess I just feel like I need to let it out. I feel angry a lot, mainly at home. I was married a year and a half ago, and ever since it has seemed to go downhill. I started graduate school last september, I work at the college and I take classes there too. I am enrolled in a graduate physics program, so it is a lot of work. And I've been working on getting my masters degree, although it has been really difficult. When I got married I knew that I would probably be doing a lot of the chores around the house, in fact I ended up doing most of them. I cooked the meals, cleaned, paid the bills (with my money, we didn't join our bank accounts yet.) So I didn't have much money left over after all the rent and bills were paid. And honestly, I didn't mind it too much that my husband didn't help me. I wish he would have, and I told him that I would really appreciate his help around the house, but he works full time too and when he got home he usually just watched tv or played sports or video games. And on the weekends he did his own thing. So I ended up grocery shopping and doing all the other errands on the weekend. And really up until june of this year I was OK with it. It was a little irritating but I just let it go, knowing that the first year of marriage can really be a period of adjustment.
Then in june I found out that he has been looking at ****ography on the internet. And not just a little bit. I found thousands of sites on his laptop. And it all started to make sense to me. He always seemed out of it, not really interested in me that much. I found it odd, because we remained chaste until we were married, and I thought he would be excited but he never was. And it was because he was looking at all that stuff online. He said he was sorry, and that he would stop. It hurt a lot, I haven't really gotten over it. But when school started up in september I just tried to get back into the swing of things and focus on my classes.
Well I always kept an eye on his computer, and I found out he was still looking at stuff. And he was messaging another girl on facebook, nothing overtly bad just flirting with her. This was in the middle of the semester, and ever since then I had just been so angry with him. He still says he will stop, and he will help me around the house, but I am still just so angry and sad all the time.
I hate my body because I feel like it's not good enough now, I hate even looking in the mirror. My scores in my classes have gone downhill, so my self esteem is really very low. I feel like I can't focus on anything because of all the hurt. And when I try to talk to him about it he is very closed. He doesn't express his emotions much, and I can't see whether or not he really cares about me and my successes. I just feel so mad because he didn't' support me while I went to school, he always talked about me getting a "real" job, and all the other stuff he did just made it worse. It just feels so empty, and it makes me sad because we haven't been married that long. I want to work it out but I can't see past all my anger with him. I have bought a self help marriage counseling book for us to read, and I suggested he read it separately and then we could talk about it but he never read it or even looked at it with me. And I told him that I wanted to go to a counselor but then I just feel like I don't have the time to go.
I asked him why he married me, and he didn't give me an answer. Now everything he does bugs me, all the things he says I just start yelling at him. He doesn't really respond, he doesn't yell back. He just listens I think. And every day on my way to school in my car I just start crying, when I go to bed I cry too. And basically any time I am alone I cry. I don't want to keep feeling this way, and I guess I need to go to a doctor about it. I have thought about taking medication but I don't know if that is the right thing for me right now. I am not going back to school next semester because I just want a normal job that I don't have to do homework on top of grading on top of studying on top of everything else that needs done. I have never been angry like this before, usually I was a very even tempered person and never lost my temper or got mad or impatient. This is very unlike me, but I have been feeling this way for a while now.
I am sorry this is so long. But I didn't know where else to turn. How can I stop my anger and sadness?

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/5/2011 7:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hellow, Mapletree, and welcome to the Depression Forum,

You really do have a dilemma that you are dealing with, and you need help. Psychiatric counselling and medication will help you get through what you are enduring and determine when and if you want to make the changes you need to make to live happily .
Mapletree, you are married to a very sick man, in my view, and he needs to get help. At this point, I don't think you will be able to persuade him to get it, but you need to go right away and get into a therapeutic atmosphere, REGARDLESS of what he thinks about it so that you may preserve your own mental health.

Please do this and remember that there are many, many healthy people who will help you and eventually lead you into a secure and peaceful lifestyle, away from the incompetent person with whom you are dealing now.

Others will be along, I feel sure, with their views to help. I have real sympathy for you and hope this is resolved in your favor.

Try somehow to have a pleasant Christmas. Go visit your family, for example, and talk to them about your situation. You need to reveal what's happening to those who really love you deeply.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/5/2011 6:51:55 PM (GMT-7)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42202
   Posted 12/5/2011 8:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mapletree,

People have different views about what your husband is doing. Some think it is normal. Maybe he does. And flirting with a girl on facebook, that isn't cool either.

The fact alone that he lets you carry the load isn't fair. He seems to want his cake and eat it too. That isn't fair to you.

I highly recommend seeing somebody professional to give you some good objective views about what is going on. And give you some direction in yourlife. I don't want to see you mess up school. Realistically, in my opinion, you should get a break from working and just be able to finish up school and get your degree. You have a lot of changes to make, and you need help with that. We are here to support you. But please talk to a counselor. Get ahold of your doc and see if you can get a referal.

Know that you are cared about here. We are here to support you and help you through this. Do know that you are a worthy, beautiful person, don't compare yourself to others. This doesn't mean that he isn't attracted to you. Like I said, some men think this is a normal thing to do. But it might not be the right thing. Keep an open mind until you talk to somebody. Try not to stress about it. It doesn't make things any better. Focus on your studies. This is all going to work out for the best.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/5/2011 9:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Mapletree...I agree with Karen everybody will have different views on what your husband is doing. However i would not consider his as much of a husband...does not help around the house, he doesn't pay for half the bills he sounds more like a free loader than a husband.

I also think it would do you good to talk with someone about this. if he is not willing to get help for his problems then maybe it is best to he live on his own and pay his own bills for a change. This man does not show you any respect at all.

I think you will find this forum quite supportive....you deserve better....

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/5/2011 9:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the replies. I didn't realize anyone would be reading this so soon. It is nice to know there is support here. I have talked to my mom about it, and she has always been very supportive and helpful.
I guess as far as what karen said about how men view what he is "doing"... there are many views. Personally, I feel if it is affecting his relationship with me, then it's gone too far. We are basically still newlyweds, and this type of thing is really harmful, especially in the first year of marriage. People today want to downplay its effects, but in a marriage it can be very isolating. But that's just me, I guess. My husband wants me to get over it quickly, downplay it, but I told him it takes time. I guess that is what is most frustrating and aggravating. As soon as I can I think I am going to make an appointment with my doctor.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/5/2011 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are right to talk to your doctor, Mapletree. What your husband is doing has obviously become an addiction, and it rightly is affecting the sanctity of your marriage in your heart. It's a shame for this to happen to you as a newly wed or at any time in a marriage, honestly.

Frankly, ****ography appeals to the lower levels of sexual activity and doesn't indicate strong principles of spirituality regarding love. I agree with the moderator that many men may participate in that kind of thing, just as many people are addicted to drugs or alcohol, but that doesn't make it a pleasant environment for someone who is the innocent victim of the addict's envelopment in a destructive habit.

You are being given very gentle advice for calmness and helpfulness.

I tend to see your problem as a more serious and destructive one and think you are making a very wise choice to talk to a professional about it. I even question your husband's advice to you to just forget about it.  Obviously, he does not regard your feelings with depth at this point.

Take care of you first, now, Mapletree.

I enjoyed your posts. Let the forum members know how you get along, please.

With best wishes for your strengthening through therapy and wise
choices ahead.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/5/2011 9:08:10 PM (GMT-7)

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