I am new to this forum. It was the first thing that popped up when I googled depression forums. I guess I just feel like I need to let it out. I feel angry a lot, mainly at home. I was married a year and a half ago, and ever since it has seemed to go downhill. I started graduate school last september, I work at the college and I take classes there too. I am enrolled in a graduate physics program, so it is a lot of work. And I've been working on getting my masters degree, although it has been really difficult. When I got married I knew that I would probably be doing a lot of the chores around the house, in fact I ended up doing most of them. I cooked the meals, cleaned, paid the bills (with my money, we didn't join our bank accounts yet.) So I didn't have much money left over after all the rent and bills were paid. And honestly, I didn't mind it too much that my husband didn't help me. I wish he would have, and I told him that I would really appreciate his help around the house, but he works full time too and when he got home he usually just watched tv or played sports or video games. And on the weekends he did his own thing. So I ended up grocery shopping and doing all the other errands on the weekend. And really up until june of this year I was OK with it. It was a little irritating but I just let it go, knowing that the first year of marriage can really be a period of adjustment.
Then in june I found out that he has been looking at ****ography on the internet. And not just a little bit. I found thousands of sites on his laptop. And it all started to make sense to me. He always seemed out of it, not really interested in me that much. I found it odd, because we remained chaste until we were married, and I thought he would be excited but he never was. And it was because he was looking at all that stuff online. He said he was sorry, and that he would stop. It hurt a lot, I haven't really gotten over it. But when school started up in september I just tried to get back into the swing of things and focus on my classes.
Well I always kept an eye on his computer, and I found out he was still looking at stuff. And he was messaging another girl on facebook, nothing overtly bad just flirting with her. This was in the middle of the semester, and ever since then I had just been so angry with him. He still says he will stop, and he will help me around the house, but I am still just so angry and sad all the time.
I hate my body because I feel like it's not good enough now, I hate even looking in the mirror. My scores in my classes have gone downhill, so my self esteem is really very low. I feel like I can't focus on anything because of all the hurt. And when I try to talk to him about it he is very closed. He doesn't express his emotions much, and I can't see whether or not he really cares about me and my successes. I just feel so mad because he didn't' support me while I went to school, he always talked about me getting a "real" job, and all the other stuff he did just made it worse. It just feels so empty, and it makes me sad because we haven't been married that long. I want to work it out but I can't see past all my anger with him. I have bought a self help marriage counseling book for us to read, and I suggested he read it separately and then we could talk about it but he never read it or even looked at it with me. And I told him that I wanted to go to a counselor but then I just feel like I don't have the time to go.
I asked him why he married me, and he didn't give me an answer. Now everything he does bugs me, all the things he says I just start yelling at him. He doesn't really respond, he doesn't yell back. He just listens I think. And every day on my way to school in my car I just start crying, when I go to bed I cry too. And basically any time I am alone I cry. I don't want to keep feeling this way, and I guess I need to go to a doctor about it. I have thought about taking medication but I don't know if that is the right thing for me right now. I am not going back to school next semester because I just want a normal job that I don't have to do homework on top of grading on top of studying on top of everything else that needs done. I have never been angry like this before, usually I was a very even tempered person and never lost my temper or got mad or impatient. This is very unlike me, but I have been feeling this way for a while now.
I am sorry this is so long. But I didn't know where else to turn. How can I stop my anger and sadness?