I have an appt Friday with a family practitioner to hopefully get some medicine or be referred to the right person to help. My mom said she would drive up here to go with me, I just don't want to burden them with all my issues, especially because I cannot tell them why this has bothered me so much.
I have never felt loved by the people I should have felt love from. The end of relationships emotionally and physically kill me because I feel loved and then it is lost. I didn't even realize this until I realized why I feel so abandoned. Like I said, I had never dated a girl. She treated me like I had always wanted a mom to treat me... Took care of things for me when I was too busy or stressed, loved me even in my bad moods, cooked me dinner, left me notes. I did the same things for her, so I never felt like it was a bad relationship, but I do realize now that it was unhealthy.
Right now, I am hurt that I realized it was unhealthy and that I want to make changes. It just doesn't feel good to be loved, be left, and have promises that "things would get better" broken. Many of you may think I am sick minded for essentially seeking a mother in my partner, but I didn't know I had those neglects or desires within me. I just wanted to be loved. When things got bad, I did at least love myself enough to know I couldn't handle it, but now, it seems like knowing that about myself punished me. As crazy as it is, some days I would rather feel loved and miserable than unloved and abandoned.
I don't dislike myself, but I don't think I love myself enough. I keep hearing about how great it is to love yourself and how fulfilling it is to take care of the inner child. I dont know how to do those things and I think counseling will help, I think I need some meds to help get me straight. On top of that, I'm sick from all this stress, fatigue and upset feelings.
I don't even know what I want because I don't remember who I am. I thought I knew at one point and right now I just want to be loved so badly it hurts and overwhelms me and distorts any clear thinking I had. I don't want to be a big girl, I just want to go home or to my grandmother's and be taken care of.