Can I do this? Am I depressed?

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greenbean885
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/6/2011 10:16 AM (GMT -6)   
I can't sleep. Can't eat. Stomach keeps trying to make me throw up, but there's nothing there. Have I fallen into depression from this whole situation? I have been in therapy and those around me say I'm getting better, but it doesn't seem like I am. Still crying all day, laying awake at night. I just wasn't worth it. She said she needed time, I gave it. She said she was depressed and couldn't hurt me anymore, I believed it. Now, the "relationship just won't work out". I gave it my all, but I wasn't worth someone else making the effort.

If I could offer someone everything they needed, be their world for two years and they could leave me and find me unworthy... what am I even worth. I feel absolutely worthless and I don't know how to even begin to make it better.

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
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   Posted 12/6/2011 10:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, those are certainly symptoms of depression for some folks,
Greenbean885.
 
Why are your judging yourself based on HER feelings? You are important in life; you have invaluable contributions to make, and there is someone out there who is worthy of a healthy friendship. She sees things differently from you. That doesn't make you less of a person; it just means that she doesn't feel as you do. I think her personality may be unstable, but that's a judgment and we should avoid making them.

NEVER judge yourself based on somebody else's opinion of who you are. Simply live by your deepest inner principles and don't even judge yourself. Just evaluate who you are and live by those principles. That's what makes one strong in life--that and having deep spiritual values.
 
One thing we all have to do in life is to determine what comes FIRST in our lives.  If we can get that priority established, everything else seems to fall in line.
 
You might wish to continue psychotherapy.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/6/2011 11:23:41 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
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   Posted 12/6/2011 6:17 PM (GMT 0)   
Hi Courtney,

I agree with IG. Don't judge yourself by somebody elses action. You are a worthy person. Do continue psychotherapy. It sounds like anxiety and depression to me. The upset stomach and not being able to eat and sleep, your anxiety might be what is keeping you up. Probably too much thinking on this issue.

Take care of you. The rest will fall into place for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
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Date Joined Sep 2006
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   Posted 12/6/2011 12:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Courtney

SHE is the one who is not worthy, not you. I know you don't see it right now, but you deserve better treatment than that. It is her actions that ended the relationship, not yours.

It may take awhile but this too shall pass..

Take care
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

greenbean885
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/6/2011 12:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't think I can handle it taking awhile. I've tried almost everything I know to do to help myself. Therapy, reading books I enjoy, cooking, plantation visits. I feel like I'm barely living... the way I feel isn't living at all it's hell on earth and I don't know how to end it. Things were getting better and now they suck again. When I first joined, someone posted and made a metaphor of depression always coming back and taking another whack at you. Prime example right here... once I get up a little bit, I get hit worse. Except I think this is the bottom.

I just feel tricked. You all must know how hurtful it is when someone is depressed... and I believed it. So many times I told myself that her behavior was not ok, but that she wasn't herself right now. I unconditionally loved her and I was taken advantage of.

She can't pay attention to me, can't talk to me, make effort with me, but some girl nearly 4 years younger is worthy of those things? I guess they fit well together, so how was I conned for two years? Yeah, people change, I guess that's what happened huh?

I just don't know what to do to feel better. She is self destructive and I allowed it to affect me. Call me an idiot, do whatever you like. I didn't know.

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/6/2011 1:05 PM (GMT -6)   
For what it's worth, Greenbean885, even the very best experts have been fooled by the psychopath. They are very cunning, shallow emoting, predatory types. They will con you for everything you have and then leave without any regrets or conscience whatsoever.

That's their problem: they have no conscience; Dr. Hare, who is an expert on this subject, says that they have no SOUL. There's the answer for you.  (There are two books that might interest you:
"Without Conscience" and "Snakes in Suits", both by Dr. Hare.)
 
Please continue psychotherapy until the trauma has flown away from your soul.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/6/2011 11:16:00 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 12/6/2011 1:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I really don't think she conned you the whole time you were together, but I can understand you feeling that way. Her actions may have nothing to do with you, though they are effecting you. She might not even be thinking about you when she is acting the way she is. It probably just seems connected. So I don't think that this was intentional, it just happened. So try not to think of it as an atttack against you. Try to put her out of your mind and get back to reality. You need to take care of you right now.

You are going to be stuck here if you don't. I mean in depression. Did you see your therapist yet? I don't want you to miss that appointment. It is very important for you to heal right now. You can do this. You are a strong lady. And you are a good person. Remember that.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/6/2011 2:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I will be going to the appt today, but my grandmother is calling in the big dogs (aka my parents). I think many other things are bothering me aside from this situation and I have only focused on this one because I know how bad the others hurt. When I was depressed 4 years ago, I dealt with the sadness of the situations. All of a sudden one day, my psychologist said I was no longer depressed. I was only in therapy for 2.5 months and he quit me cold turkey. I don't think I ever truly healed and this situation has re-hashed all the old wounds, especially the feeling of abandonment.

So, I admitted I needed help. I need real meds, no more "natural supplements". I can't keep losing sleep, crying, and throwing up. I live in fear in my own city for the dumbest reasons. I don't want to lose my job, but moving in with my grandmother 2.5 hours away may be what I need right now. I don't know... but I faced one of my fears and let someone know I need help and am not ok. I tried on my own and I tried very hard and now I need guidance. My therapist only listens to me which is great, but I'm so far down I need someone to tell me what to do until I can handle figuring it out on my own. I vowed I would never feel this way again and here it is, depression staring me right in the face.

I don't want to blame her, but I can nearly guarantee if I handn't been exposed to her depression for so long, chances of this happening would be a lot smaller. Either way, I'm not ok and I asked for help and no matter how much I cry or how scary it is, something's gotta give.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/6/2011 3:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Courtney,

I am so glad that you did this. You wont regret it. Maybe moving in with your grandmother will help. Is there work there that you can do? I hate to see you leave your job. But a change of scenery might do you good. Could you take a leave of absence from work and go for a few weeks? Or is that not possible? I just want to see you feeling better again. You truly are a good person and I hate to see you suffering.

I know what you are going through hurts, but when you start feeling better and back to your normal self, it wont bother you as much. It may take time to heal, but that is a process, and as you said, there are other issues too. Maybe this was just the straw that broke the camels back. Either way you are getting help and that is good. It does not make you weak or worthless. We all need help and it takes guts to admit it. I look at depression as a disease, not a character flaw or anything like that.

Just hang in there my friend. You will start to feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/6/2011 5:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I hope the appointment goes well, Greenbean885.

You will one day look back on this and think that you learned some valuable lessons about people and life. If you ever marry and have children, be sure to warn them about some types of folks, though most people mean well and are sincere.

Take good care of yourself. I've given you all I know to help.


I.G.

sos007
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/7/2011 12:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Greenbean....I am so sorry that you are so down. Lack of sleep can also make a small problem a big problem. It is amazing how lack of sleep can effect your mood. Maybe your doc can give you something so you can get a good sleep. Things may look differently after a good night sleep. I hope your appointment goes well.

I think I.G. gave you great advice. I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care, Amy

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/7/2011 10:50 AM (GMT -6)   
I have an appt Friday with a family practitioner to hopefully get some medicine or be referred to the right person to help. My mom said she would drive up here to go with me, I just don't want to burden them with all my issues, especially because I cannot tell them why this has bothered me so much.

I have never felt loved by the people I should have felt love from. The end of relationships emotionally and physically kill me because I feel loved and then it is lost. I didn't even realize this until I realized why I feel so abandoned. Like I said, I had never dated a girl. She treated me like I had always wanted a mom to treat me... Took care of things for me when I was too busy or stressed, loved me even in my bad moods, cooked me dinner, left me notes. I did the same things for her, so I never felt like it was a bad relationship, but I do realize now that it was unhealthy.

Right now, I am hurt that I realized it was unhealthy and that I want to make changes. It just doesn't feel good to be loved, be left, and have promises that "things would get better" broken. Many of you may think I am sick minded for essentially seeking a mother in my partner, but I didn't know I had those neglects or desires within me. I just wanted to be loved. When things got bad, I did at least love myself enough to know I couldn't handle it, but now, it seems like knowing that about myself punished me. As crazy as it is, some days I would rather feel loved and miserable than unloved and abandoned.

I don't dislike myself, but I don't think I love myself enough. I keep hearing about how great it is to love yourself and how fulfilling it is to take care of the inner child. I dont know how to do those things and I think counseling will help, I think I need some meds to help get me straight. On top of that, I'm sick from all this stress, fatigue and upset feelings.

I don't even know what I want because I don't remember who I am. I thought I knew at one point and right now I just want to be loved so badly it hurts and overwhelms me and distorts any clear thinking I had. I don't want to be a big girl, I just want to go home or to my grandmother's and be taken care of.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/7/2011 11:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe that is what you need. To spend some time with your grandmother. I think it is great that you are looking into counseling. I think this will really help you to feel better.

You probably don't love yourself enough. A lot of us don't. It is a process that you will be able to handle soon.

There is a book called "healing the inner child" I think that would help you.

Keep posting, keep trying. We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/7/2011 2:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I just would have thought that after 3 months of counseling, something would have gotten better by now. I'm going back next week for the EMDR treatment because my therapist feels that talking is only going to help me so much, that my brain needs to be healed.

In group therapy yesterday, my other therapist described my pain as a vortex. That this one situation is on top and its the largest surface that we can see, but that there are many many layers underneath everything that are hurting to the core.

I am glad that I told my parents what is going on because although they aren't very nurturing, they are concerned and they do check on me. If only my friends could understand. I have asked people to go to the appt with me Friday and they just don't get why I need support when I have to tell someone why I need meds... I know I can't be the only one ashamed of that.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/7/2011 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Please don't be ashamed of needing meds and help. If it were diabetes, and you needed meds, you wouldn't be ashamed. If it were your blood pressure, you wouldn't be ashamed. Depression is a disease. It is a medical condition. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed about this. You are being very brave right now. Getting help is hard. You are doing the right thing.

I hope that your friends do go with you for moral support. But if for some reason they don't, you really have to do this anyway. For you. You aren't being selfish, you have done nothing wrong. It just is the way it is. This is a chemical imbalance. And situational, but that is besides the point. You have to do this for yourself. It is extremely important that you ask for help in this matter.

Courtney, I keep feeling that you are doubting yourself and your self worth. It takes time and practice to get past that. You are going to be able to do this. Yes, it is going to take some time. But it will happen. One step at a time. One day at a time. One moment if necessary. But you will get there. And we are right here for you all the way and beyond.

Please do something nice for yourself. Even if it is just a bubble bath or something relaxing. You truly deserve a little self nurturing right now.

Know that I am here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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