This is the first time that I have told anyone, other than my husband about my childhood, so please bear with me. I am a 45 year old female,who up until about 5-6 years ago thought that I could handle anything and everything. In the last 2 years my world feels like it is falling apart. There are things in my life that I can't keep bottled up any longer. At the age of 38 my hormone levels started changing putting me in peri menopause at a young age. I believe that this is alot of the reason that all of these feelings started to surface. As a child,about the age of 3 my father started to touch me in places that I knew where wrong, I guess so I knew that it felt good , so it must be okay is what I believe he was trying to accomplish. It went from that to him touching me while I was forced to watch him. From there he made me do it for him, while he tried to kiss me. This went on for several years until the age of 13. I resisted him and he tried to rape me. I fought him off before that could happen. He never touched me or approached me agian. I think that he figured that I knew what he was doing to me was wrong and that I might tell someone. He would always tell me that if I ever told, that nobody would believe me because I was just a kid. So for all of these years I have kept this a secret. I have always been close to my mom and dad despite the abuse of my father. Almost 4 years ago my mom was told that she had cancer. My heart was broken for her. She survived her cancer and was almost 1 year cancer free. On Sept.23rd 2009 Mom was killed in a car accident. Mom was the old fashioned type and did everything at home. Dad was the bread winner and mom was just mom. After her death I had to step in and teach my dad how to be a functioning adult, he was lost without mom and could do nothing on his own. I wanted many times since mom's death to ask him why he did what he did to me, but I didn't want to upset him. On Oct.24th 2011 my dad passed away with a condition that we didn't know he had. Again, I am broken hearted. Why is it that you can hate a person and love them so much at the same time? I struggle with this. I have sexual issues with my husband and just wish that sex was something that I could be comfortable with. My husband is a great person and loves me very much, but dosen't understand why I am not comfortable with sex. I also have issues with showing and accepting affection of any sort. We have a beautiful 10 year old daughter and this is a major concern for me. My family doctor put me on Zoloft 8 days ago. I also take xanax as I suffer from anxiety . I'm not sure about the drugs I'm using. The xanax seems to help, I have been on it off and on since mom passed away. the Zoloft I hope will work for me, but nothing so far. I might feel somewhat better but not back to my outgoing self. I have been in touch with my insurance company to start seeing a therapist about my issues, I'm still waiting for a call to set up an appointment . Anyway, long story short, I found this site and decided that if I couldn't tell a person on a computer what is bothering me, than I wouldn't be able to tell a therapist. Wow... I did it ! Please know that your comments, advice, questions are welcome !! I have to heal me for the first time in my life.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/7/2011 4:49:16 AM (GMT-7)