Overcoming sexual abuse as a child

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
65 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2  3 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/7/2011 12:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
 
This is the first time that I have told anyone, other than my husband about my childhood, so please bear with me. I am a 45 year old female,who up until about 5-6 years ago thought that I could handle anything and everything. In the last 2 years my world feels like it is falling apart. There are things in my life that I can't keep bottled up any longer. At the age of 38 my hormone levels started changing putting me in peri menopause at a young age. I believe that this is alot of the reason that all of these feelings started to surface. As a child,about the age of 3 my father started to touch me in places that I knew where wrong, I guess so I knew that it felt good , so it must be okay is what I believe he was trying to accomplish. It went from that to him touching me while I was forced to watch him. From there he made me do it for him, while he tried to kiss me. This went on for several years until the age of 13. I resisted him and he tried to rape me. I fought him off before that could happen. He never touched me or approached me agian. I think that he figured that I knew what he was doing to me was wrong and that I might tell someone. He would always tell me that if I ever told, that nobody would believe me because I was just a kid. So for all of these years I have kept this a secret. I have always been close to my mom and dad despite the abuse of my father. Almost 4 years ago my mom was told that she had cancer. My heart was broken for her. She survived her cancer and was almost 1 year cancer free. On Sept.23rd 2009 Mom was killed in a car accident. Mom was the old fashioned type and did everything at home. Dad was the bread winner and mom was just mom. After her death I had to step in and teach my dad how to be a functioning adult, he was lost without mom and could do nothing on his own. I wanted many times since mom's death to ask him why he did what he did to me, but I didn't want to upset him. On Oct.24th 2011 my dad passed away with a condition that we didn't know he had. Again, I am broken hearted. Why is it that you can hate a person and love them so much at the same time? I struggle with this. I have sexual issues with my husband and just wish that sex was something that I could be comfortable with. My husband is a great person and loves me very much, but dosen't understand  why I am not comfortable with sex. I also have issues with showing and accepting affection of any sort. We have a beautiful 10 year old daughter and this is a major concern for me. My family doctor put me on Zoloft 8 days ago. I also take xanax as I suffer from anxiety . I'm not sure about the drugs I'm using. The xanax seems to help, I have been on it off and on since mom passed away. the Zoloft I hope will work for me, but nothing so far. I might feel somewhat better but not back to my outgoing self. I have been in touch with my insurance company to start seeing a therapist about my issues, I'm still waiting for a call to set up an appointment . Anyway, long story short, I found this site and decided that if I couldn't tell a person on a computer what is bothering me, than I wouldn't be able to tell a therapist. Wow... I did it ! Please know that your comments, advice, questions are welcome !! I have to heal me for the first time in my life. :-)

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/7/2011 4:49:16 AM (GMT-7)


sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/7/2011 1:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear dear Just...Welcome to hw forum. Thank you for sharing your story, that had to be hard. I am so sorry for your loss. That was a double whammy for you. Terrible for your mom I mean to beat Cancer and then be killed in a car accident. I can understand how you still loved your father you just can not understand why he did what he did. I am also so sorry for what you went through as a little girl no little girl should have to go through that.

I am very happy you are going for therapy this will be good for you. Like you said you have to heal you. I think once you get it out and discuss with a therapist it will be freeing. I wish you luck on your journey, keep us posted as to how you are doing.

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 12/7/2011 6:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there Just.

I went through the same thing when I was young, but I can't remember who the person was.
Strange, but true. My mind has blocked it out.

Once we get to a point where we are comfortable in our own skin, often these memories can come flooding back. Once we feel safe with ourselves. This might be what is happening to you. Now that he is gone, you feel safer. I don't know.

I thinkit is a great idea that you are going to talk to somebody. There are ways to remember without being scared. I hope that you can put all this behind you and move on. But I think the therapy will play a big role in that.

I had to remove a couple of words out of your post. As it might disturb others. But I think we can still all understand what you have been through. I am sorry for what your father has done to you, and for so long. You must feel horrible about what has happened. But know you are safe now, and he can't hurt you anymore.

Keep posting. It is good to come here and let things out. I hope you get into therapy soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/7/2011 9:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Amy and Karen,

Thank you for your kind words. I will keep you posted.

Michelle :-)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 12/7/2011 10:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Please do Michelle,

I hope that things get better for you. This is a healing process I think. And talking to somebody can help you through it.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 12/7/2011 10:45 PM (GMT -6)   
i went thru casa here in australaia. extremely caring and compassionate they are. (centre against sexual assualt)........we are here for you. jamie. with much healing compassion.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/8/2011 12:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Michelle....we are here anytime you need us. You are also welcome to e-mail me and just get some stuff of your chest. I think you are on your way to healing.

I care...Bless you, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 12/9/2011 8:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Michelle,
 
As I read this post, inwardly my heart is braking that you experienced things that you never should have, but over lapping that emotion is a strong surge of pride that you found the courage and guts to share your inner most thoughts/feelings and experience.  It is always an honour I feel when someone is being so honest and generous with thier sharing, I am humbled and applaude you for letting some of that ugly stuff out.
 
I too understand the conflict between loving an abuser, we only have one set of parents, and no-matter what they have done in the past, they belong to us, and us to them.  Very normal emotion.
 
Coninue to grow and heal, it is a long process as you are no doubt aware.  Take things slow as you disclose to others, be gentle with you.

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/9/2011 11:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Michelle,

I know exactly how you feel. The conflict of love and hate. I'm so sorry both of your parents have passed. I understand what you must be feeling for your father (at least a bit). My brother/abuser died in an accident last year. I'm still flooded with emotions. Love, dislike, anger, guilt that I am still feeling anger, guilt that I feel I'll never have closure. I still have issues but I am off to see a counselor as well. My psychologist has helped me, but I don't get to see him as much as I'd like, hence the counselor. But my psychologist has helped me through some of it.

I know I havent exactly helped, but you are NOT alone. I know the feelings you have all too well. Good luck and I hope you find some solace soon. Keep us updated!
Kelsey; 25 years old suffering from a slew: depression, anxiety, IBS, etc.

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/9/2011 1:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Just want to say thank you!! What a feeling it is to know that there is help, support, and that I'm not alone with my struggles!! :-)

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/9/2011 1:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Definitely not! Trying to lead a normal life is hard when you've repressed so much. And its also hard to face the people in your life that love and care for you. It's a struggle to know what to say, what not to say, and though they're there, you feel alone. At least, for myself, that's how I feel. I don't want to say too much, I don't want to get sympathy from them or have them walk on egg shells around me, but I don't want to shut myself off from them (which I have done) because it only makes the feeling of isolation worse. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I've only been a member for a few days, but I've been hitting the forums a lot.
Kelsey; 25 years old suffering from a slew: depression, anxiety, IBS, etc.

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/9/2011 1:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Kelsey!

I do feel the same way that you feel... It's not easy, but I have faith that it will become eaiser for the both of us the more that we talk about it. It has already been a blessing just talking to the few that I have. I am also very new to this forum, and I'd like you to know that I am here for you as well. :-)

Michelle :-)

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 12/9/2011 8:42 PM (GMT -6)   
wonderful caring 'guys'. with healing compassion, jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 12/9/2011 10:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I thought that too Jamie, when I read this thread. They are really supporting eachother and that is cool.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/10/2011 1:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen and Jamiee...that is exactly why I love this forum so much. People caring about people.





Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 12/10/2011 1:54 AM (GMT -6)   
tongue   tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/10/2011 9:00 AM (GMT -6)   
:-) thanks Michelle, it means a lot! I don't have anyone in my life that I feel can understand, so talking to other people who have been in similar situations and know the struggle, is important fot me.

And all you other guys, that's why I'm staying here! I love the warm reception and compassion!
Kelsey; 25 year old lady suffering from a slew: Depression, Anxiety, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), etc.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/10/2011 9:20 AM (GMT -6)   
welcome, welcome

I was blessed with a happy childhood, for the most part and with a daughter of myown, I still struggle to understand abuse...I am very proud of all those that come forward with their stories, you are courageous and survivors. There is life out there for all of us but it starts with making peace within

Keep posting-glad to see all that support-it's what makes this forum different..we are very active, a little slow sometimes-lol but here

Take care
maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/10/2011 2:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Maggie,

I'm not sure that I would call my childhood as unhappy. This is where the feelings of confussion come into play. You see my mother was always wonderful, and dad, well he was a great dad, he just had issues that were and still are beyond my understanding. My two brothers and I were well disaplined, respectful, raised in church with a loving and happy enviroment. I hope that you can see a bit more into my state of confussion. You know, maybe I just don't know the true meaning of Happiness ?! Maybe, this is what I need also to figure out ?? I don't know ? Anyway, thank you for your input I do want to know what other's think. The sad part for me is that I'm 45 years old and I think that I am just beginning to figure out life. Sometimes I feel like a child, but it feels good to know that I am on my way to recovery.

Blessings, Michelle :-)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 12/10/2011 2:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Michelle,

I was once told by a doctor that our 40's are our healing years.

For me, I struggled most during my 40's, but I find my 50's to be much better.

Remember we are never too old to learn.

And you are still very young. Finding the true meaning of happiness can come at any time. And figuring out life. I feel with age comes wisdom. That is what I have experienced. Keep posting, know that we all care about you. You do sound like you have happiness. I get a good vibe from your posts.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 12/10/2011 5:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there!

I'm glad you posted and that you're getting acquainted with the community here. I'm glad you feel that you have support with us here, because knowing that you aren't alone is a key factor in feeling better. :)

As far as your circumstances are concerned, my heart continues to bleed for all the people I see on this forum and in real life who have had experiences similar to yours or experienced sexual abuse in any form. It is just such a tragedy, and leaves so many hidden wounds that can take years to begin mending. I'm very lucky in that I suffered no abuse at all from my parents, sexual or otherwise.

My boyfriend, however, wasn't as lucky as me and was sexually abused by his father since he was a little kid (6 or so). He struggles with the opposite problem when it comes to sex, however. He's basically a sex addict, and it affects him on a deep level. Being in one extreme or the other, where you don't like sex, are afraid of it, or uncomfortable with it, are very common feelings and disorders for people who have been sexually abused. I'm sure you know that, but if you don't, I just want you to know that you're not weird for your reaction and feelings. I am sorry you have to deal with them though, and I do hope you can continue to heal and become closer to the 'you' that you want to be again. :)

Keep us updated, and thanks again for posting!

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/10/2011 5:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Mis and getting by ! I read in a book somewhere the same thing that you were told by a doctor. I do alot of reading. I feel as though you are never to "old" to learn. The 40's I do believe are the healing years, but to do so I really believe that research, talking to people, and putting togther the , shall we say, second half of your life is key to long term health and happiness. I have read some incredible books and would be happy to share them with all of you , if that is allowed here?! I also would love some suggestions for books that I could read as well. I hope that I'm not breaking the rules of this forum. I just love to read and share :-)

Michelle :-)

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/10/2011 6:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Idk Michelle! But my email address is in my profile, Id love to get a list of books! I love reading but lately its been more young adult vampire books that I'm clearly too old for, but love nonetheless. Lol. But I would love to see some focusing on a healing aspect as its something I've ignored so long. I hope you're having a better day than those before this and hope you continue to heal!
Kelsey; 25 year old lady suffering from a slew: Depression, Anxiety, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), etc.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 12/10/2011 8:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't see any rules about sharing the names and authors of books that you have read. I would love to hear them. And I am sure others would too. As long as nobody is selling anything, there should be nothing wrong with it.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/10/2011 8:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen! I've read some of the different rules and I didn't see anything about that but I was hoping someone would let us know lol! So I'm all ears (or eyes, rather) to anyone who'd like to suggest some good books. I have read (though not in it's entirety) "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass.
Kelsey; 25 year old lady suffering from a slew: Depression, Anxiety, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), etc.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
65 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2  3 
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, September 22, 2018 11:33 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 3,005,677 posts in 329,250 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161796 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Crispy Mango.
254 Guest(s), 6 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
SoMuchFun, Deep_sleep, Mind body spirit, JoHnGaMeR90, Anitas, fiddlecanoe