Is love enough?

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whenloveisntenough
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Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/7/2011 9:45 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband and I have been married for 18 years, within that time he has been in treatment 7 times, for drinking/drugs/depression, left me for California once, tried to kill himself 3 times which he then spent a few days in the pysch ward at our local hospital and arrested for DWI. He continues to drink and do drugs. He is on medication but he says, it just doesn't work. I have been loving and supportive throughout, by his side, always there. I still love him, but when is enough enough? When do I start taking care of myself, I'm tired of taking care of him. I don't know what to do.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/7/2011 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
You have to take care of you first and foremost. As long as your husband is drinking, he is going to be depressed. Drinking alcohol is a depressant. So obviously he will be depressed. And the drugs probably aren't working with his regular medications. He is the only one that can fix this. I highly recommend counseling to get you through this. You need some support. And direction. Take care of you. Do what you need to do for yourself and don't feel guilty about it. It is hard to watch somebody destroy their life. But as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. All you can do is be there for him and try to get him to help himself.

I hope that this helps some. You are not in for an easy task. But you can make it. And come out okay. Keep trying to get him to get help. But take care of you first. You are an important person and a good person, you deserve a life without worrying about this. I hope that things get better soon. I really would seek counseling for this.

Keep posting. Know that we all care here. And yes, welcome to the forum...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/7/2011 10:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for you fast response, just reading your post made me feel so much better. Knowing that other people are going through this same experience is very comforting to me. Thank you!! I don't feel so all alone. My best friend keeps asking me why I go through all this, through all the pain and I respond the same way every time...I love him. But some times I ask myself what is wrong with me. Why do I stay? You're right, I need to see a counselor, I think I will see if someone at my church can help my husband and I. I don't want to get a divorce, but don't want to live like this anymore. I feel like a could sleep for a month! Thanks for listening, it really does help.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/7/2011 12:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I know the feeling of wanting to sleep. I could sleep for a month. I slept for two years with fibromyalgia and depression. But I think I needed it to escape. Though I missed out on a lot of living.

It is so difficult to watch somebody do what your husband is doing. We can only discuss the alcohol on here , so we can't talk about the drugs. But if you need to talk, feel free to send me an email. My address is in my profile, to get to that, click on my name on the side of the post. It will take you there.

I am glad that you are considering counseling. It will keep you strong in a difficult situation. We can support you, but we can't help you as much as a counselor could. They are trained to deal with these kinds of situations. And I feel that you need the relief from what is going on.

I get really frustrated when people keep drinking when they are depressed. So I imagine it is taking a tole on you. Because the alcohol causes the depression. But it is a disease just like the depression. Try to look at it that way, it will help. You are going to learn coping skills too. That really helps. It is hard to overlook this type of behavior because you know that they are only hurting themselves and others through this. But you do have to focus on keeping yourself happy and feeling safe. I know that you can accomplish this with counseling. Even self help books help a lot. Maybe get a book to understand alchollism. Whatever you can do. Try it.

Keep posting and letting us know how things are going. I think that the church member is a good idea. You are going to be happy again. One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/7/2011 1:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Whenloveisn'tenough, and welcome to the Depression Forum.

You've been given some very realistic and solid advice from Gettingby, and I hope you are able to give your best attention to her ideas.

There is another route that I have chosen to follow in relieving depression, and I'd like to share that with you:

1. Sometimes, we set our standards too high for people whom we love; we really believe they are capable of much better behavior than they are demonstrating. And we are often right, but it helps tremendously if we can lower our expectations of others because it frees us from anxiety to an extent.

2. I found psychotherapy helpful when dealing with people who just couldn't understand anything that I was saying. It revealed a lot to me and gave me direction about choosing how much to give and how much to do to care for my little child within.

3. I turned to the hghest principles of living that my parents and the church taught me; and while I fail at it often, I still believe that living with one's deepest principles is the way to independence and freedom within.

4. In my view, it's important for you to realize that someone you love has his own serious problems and is choosing a destructive way to live. If he doesn't finally see the light and know that that's what he's doing, there is really nothing further that you can do to change him.  It is possible for us to protect people only so far,
whenloveisn'tenough.

5. Standing by him may be enabling him. You just never know. Please see a psychiatriatist and get on an anti-anxiety medication to help you sort out the things you need to do to take care of yourself and lean on a Spiritual Power to guide you.

6. If he hasn't read a copy of the "Big Book" now called "Alcoholics Anonymous", by the Hazeldon Foundation, please see that he gets a copy and ask that he read it. That, in my opinion, is the last of your efforts that you should direct to him at this point.

May you be blessed and find Christmas this year to be one of relief and calmness in your life. He and you and all of us deserve to be able to live a peaceful and honest life.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/7/2011 8:32:09 PM (GMT-7)


whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/7/2011 3:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much, you have given me some great advise which I plan on looking into. I have thought for many years that I was enabling my husband, I thought I was being a good wife. I do every thing for him, make doctor appointments, pick up his meds, lie to his mother, call him in sick to his work etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. I've done it for so many years that I have to actually say to myself...STOP! you don't have to do everything for him. It's become a habit...hard to break. When I don't help him I feel guilty and selfish. I really need to get some professional help, NOW! Thanks again for your help, it really helps to get all this off my chest. I'll let you know how we do. God Bless!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/7/2011 4:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Please do keep us posted.

Have a good night our new friend.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/7/2011 5:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Will do, I really do feel a lot better. I guess you all gave me a sense of hope. If all you guys can get through this thing, so can I. Thank you!!

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 12/8/2011 4:40 AM (GMT -6)   
and you will. with much healing compassion 2 you. jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/8/2011 4:50 AM (GMT -6)   
welcome to the forum...we are here to listen and alot of us deal with family addiction problems here

I did want to add that al-anon is a terrific organization for family members of alcoholics..if you have one nearby, check it out..it is a great support system too But keep posting here and let us know...I was an enabler for MY husband for years...it felt like betrayal when I stopped enabling his problem, but he is clean and sober now. There is hope and alot of hard work

Take care
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/8/2011 4:50 AM (GMT -6)   
welcome to the forum...we are here to listen and alot of us deal with family addiction problems here

I did want to add that al-anon is a terrific organization for family members of alcoholics..if you have one nearby, check it out..it is a great support system too But keep posting here and let us know...I was an enabler for MY husband for years...it felt like betrayal when I stopped enabling his problem, but he is clean and sober now. There is hope and alot of hard work

Take care
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2011 9:00 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband and I spoke with our pastor last night and set up an appointment to speak with him next week, also I will be going to his doctor's appointment on Tuesday to see if we can change his meds. My husband told me that he has been telling his doctor that he is fine and that everything was going well. He is afraid to tell his doctor the truth, he thinks that he will put him in the "funny farm" I'm going along with him to make sure he tells the truth. I was just doing some research on line about bi-polar disease, the article said that Lithium really helps. Has anyone had a good experience with this medication?

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/8/2011 1:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, whenloveisn'tenough,

It sounds really good that you are going with him to see his doctor and that you are alert to the probability of bipolar illness. That's a definite possibility but one that his physician will have to diagnose.

For bipolar illness, lithium is still the standard for treatment. In appropriate doses it may be very effective. Two newer meds are out now called Lamictal (or Lamotrigine) and Abilify. Both are excellent for those who can take them and the dosage is often smaller than lithium to control the chemical imbalance in the brain. (They are called mood stabilizers.)
 
Bipolar patients have four things that they must do (according to my psychiatrist) It probably also applies to depression, since depression can be a chemical imbalance just as bipolar illness is:
 
1.  They must eliminate alcohol from their diet.
2.  The must eliminate anything with caffeine from their diet. (Both
alcohol and caffeine make bipolar illness and depression worse.)
3.  The must take their meds and
4.  They must get their rest  (Be sure to ask for sleep medication
for him to keep him on a regular sleep schedule if it is bipolar illness or depression.)
 
With diet changes, your husband may be able to hasten the healing process. It looks very, very encouraging with these new moves you are making, and I hope he will be convinced by his physicians of his need to take the appropriate medication to relieve the psychological pain he endures.

How about you? Are you going to ask for a medication to help you
while you're helping him? I suggest that your doctor might wish for you to take an anti-anxiety medication.

The visit with the pastor is a superb idea, and some psychological counselling for your husband is in order. You might want to get a little therapy, as well, to overcome the trauma of years of sacrifice and pain for you.
 
You are a very intelligent person and are acting in the best way
one could act to protect a loved one and get some healing in the
home.   I respect your courage very much.

Keep in touch; we're all hoping the best for both of you.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/8/2011 2:04:11 PM (GMT-7)


whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2011 3:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, that is some great advise, I will be speaking to my husband and our doctors on the information that you have provided. I really wish I would have found this site years ago, I feel so much better. We have been struggling for to many years. It's not like we have ignored the problem, but it seems as if the meds just aren't working. I know there's not a magic pill out there, but it seems as if things should be getting better after almost 20 years but there getting worse.
What would you do?
My husband left work in a  state last Monday, he left a note for his boss stating that he knew he has lost his job and he would not be returning (he's done this three times this year and surprisingly he has not lost his job as of yet) he went home and got drunk, this was around 9 in the morning. At 2:30 his boss called me at my work and told me that he had left and was really worried about him. I'm not sure why he waited so long to call me. I raced home to find a  note on the kitchen table and one drunk husband. He said he was leaving me and going to kill himself. As I said before, we have been through this many times and I handled it the same way I always handle it. Begged him to stay, talked to him, reasoned with him, until he is finally calmed down. Is this enabling? Last year he was in the same state of mind, he went out and got drunk, got into a car accident, went to the hospital and got arrested for DWI. I'm I handling these situations in the right way?

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/8/2011 6:00:34 PM (GMT-7)


It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/8/2011 3:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I would do exactly what you are doing, whenloveisn'tenough. Often,  attempts are desperate calls for attention. In his case, I think it's just part of the alcoholism syndrome. If he's been drinking for many years, he has a long road to remission; but you must remember that medical treatment for alcoholism has improved tremendously during all these years while he was drinking.
He must finally accept the fact that he can never drink again.  (The
illness cannot be cured; it can be brought into remission only by
not touching alcohol.)
 
Dr. Kathleen Desmaissons has had extraordinary success in treating alcoholics with diet changes. You might be interested in reading her publications once you get your husband stabilized. Her idea is that sugar sensitivity is related strongly to alcoholism. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  But she knows her stuff and is excellent at conveying it to novices.
 
There are meditation booklets that help with feeling: one is "Forgiving and Moving On"; another is "Keep It Simple".  He needs
also to learn the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and apply each in its proper order.  That study is a miracle worker for many hundreds of thousands of former alcoholics.  But that should come after he has his discussions with his doctors and is placed on proper medication. 
 
One easy thing for him to remember is "H. A. L. T" which means if and when he is tempted to drink, he needs to stop and ask himself if he is "HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, or TIRED".  The message there is to stop everything; go to a meeting or talk to someone in A.A. who will listen to his pain, but don't drink!

Keep up the good work, and keep us posted as you need.

Take care.

I.G.
 
P.S.  I don't think we're allowed to talk about suicide, so if my
one comment gets eradicated, you'll know why!

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/8/2011 6:02:20 PM (GMT-7)


whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2011 3:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry about that. I thought I read through the rules carefully but must have missed that part. That does sound a little strange, funny thing is my husband loves chocolate and eats a lot of it. He suffered with bulimia when we were first married. Has had it under control for years now, but he still over eats. He was sexually assulted when he was a young boy, he was around 8 years old, by a church youth director, who was also an officer in the army. It's something that he doesn't want to deal with, which I feel is a big part of his problems. I've asked him to please tell his doctor about it, he feels that he can't share that information with anyone. He is ashamed. Also, he had a very overbearing father that he felt he could never please. As you can tell by now, my husband is like an onion, many layers, most of them in need of medication! I'll post back and let you know what my husband's doctor had to say. Thank you. You are a blessing!!

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/8/2011 3:50 PM (GMT -6)   
And you and your husband are courageous people!!

By all means he needs to talk about the physical abuse in  privacy with a specialist, a psychiatrist, knowing that every word he speaks will be held in strictest confidence and will never be revealed. The confidentiality is as secure as that of a client with a lawyer. Please tell your husband that. 
 
Tell him that the injury of abuse such as he has been through can be a MAJOR cause of damage to his personality and loss of self-respect, dignity, and integrity.  Those need to be restored by psychotherapy. 
 
Chocolate can be worse than caffeine!  (It contains theobromine which is a close first cousin to caffeine.)  Caffeine and theobromine
cause a temporary elevation in feeling tone, but then cause a very low drop (or rebound ) in feelings after several hours.  The idea behind the removal of caffeine and theobromine is just that they
cause destabilization of the emotions; the idea in treatment is to stabilize the chemical imbalance, not to lose it.  (Sugar is also
notorious for causing highs and lows.)  These are what I meant about changes in his diet, partially.
 
Let us know how things appear after your consultation with physicians. We're all out here cheering for the two of you!
 
Take care.
 
 I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/8/2011 3:21:41 PM (GMT-7)


whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2011 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Courageous or just plain crazy? I think I need to find out. I'm not sure if you read that part in my past posts but my husband had been in treatment 7 times over the past 18 years. They were in-house 31 day programs at our local hospital, have gone to dozens of AA meetings and lived in two half-way houses. And yet here we are. The more and more I type the more I feel like I need to take a nap. Thank you for your help!!! I'll let you know what happens with the doctor.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/8/2011 4:20 PM (GMT -6)   
No, you're courageous all right.
 
Yes, I read about his extensive efforts to seek rehabilitation.
The one thing he needed to do was talk about the abuse, which he
has never done, as you have said.

Your husband is just weak, when love isn't enough, because he's been humiliated by trauma in his childhood. If he can just get the courage to talk about it with a specialist, he may be able to put the alcohol out of his life forever. So often people feel like "The Lone Ranger". He isn't alone in his tragedy. Many thousands of others have had similar terrorizing experiences.  He needs a sponsor from
AA to talk to him, as well.  He needs to have a strong male image
at this time to guide and help, too.

Gee, there's so much goodness ahead for the two of you potentially.

Others will be on tomorrow to reinforce your strength, I think, and to offer more helpful suggestions.

Take care of your emotions, too.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/8/2011 3:25:30 PM (GMT-7)


whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2011 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
I will talk to him about it tonight, hopefully I can get him to understand how important it is to get this off his chest, deal with it and then move on. Have a great night, thanks for your help. Talk to you tomorrow.
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