I have been married for almost 29 years. I married young. When we fist got married, my husband was very controlling and jealous. I had an affair after 2 years. He found out. We were seperated for 8 months. We got back together and for the next 11 years I did everything I could to make it up to him. I really did. But he was still controlling and mean to me. The mental abuse was unbearable. But we had a child together so I stayed. Then a friend died, and I rethought my whole life. I wanted more from life. I wanted to be happy. There was a family friend that I had fallen in love with. After our friend died, I told him how I felt about him. We slept together although I was married and he had a girlfriend. I left my husband. He didn't ask me too. He just wanted to be friends with benefits although he said he loved me. In the meantime, my husband said he would change, so I went back to him. My lover got married, but we still carried on the affair. I love him and he says he loves me. Over the years, my husband has changed. He is a good person now, and I love him too. We have alot of years together. The affair has been on again off again for 15 years now. I have given him ultimatems. He says that he doesn't want to lose everything he has worked for. So I would call it off. Then either me or him would start it back up. Now he says that he wants to divorce his wife, but he doesn't want me to leave my husband. He says he can't start something else up before he gets divorced. I don't think we will ever wind up together and I feel so guilty about my husband, because he really is good to me now. I would like to confess to my husband so the affair would be over for good. But so many people would be hurt. My husband would be crushed and would NEVER forgive me. But I don't deserve him anyway after what I've done to him. I've tried to stop the affair, but it never lasts long. If I confessed, it would be over for good, but I would be alone. Sometimes, I have thoughts of taking my own life, so no one would know my shame and then everything would be over. But it would not be fair to my family. It is a cowards way out.
I don't know what to do. My guilt is all consuming! I want to end the affair, and I have many times, but it never lasts. How can I stop for good? Please help me. I am very depressed!