Long post, but need help please!

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Guiltyconscious
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Date Joined Dec 2011
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   Posted 12/8/2011 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
I have been married for almost 29 years. I married young. When we fist got married, my husband was very controlling and jealous. I had an affair after 2 years. He found out. We were seperated for 8 months. We got back together and for the next 11 years I did everything I could to make it up to him. I really did. But he was still controlling and mean to me. The mental abuse was unbearable. But we had a child together so I stayed. Then a friend died, and I rethought my whole life. I wanted more from life. I wanted to be happy. There was a family friend that I had fallen in love with. After our friend died, I told him how I felt about him. We slept together although I was married and he had a girlfriend. I left my husband. He didn't ask me too. He just wanted to be friends with benefits although he said he loved me. In the meantime, my husband said he would change, so I went back to him. My lover got married, but we still carried on the affair. I love him and he says he loves me. Over the years, my husband has changed. He is a good person now, and I love him too. We have alot of years together. The affair has been on again off again for 15 years now. I have given him ultimatems. He says that he doesn't want to lose everything he has worked for. So I would call it off. Then either me or him would start it back up. Now he says that he wants to divorce his wife, but he doesn't want me to leave my husband. He says he can't start something else up before he gets divorced. I don't think we will ever wind up together and I feel so guilty about my husband, because he really is good to me now. I would like to confess to my husband so the affair would be over for good. But so many people would be hurt. My husband would be crushed and would NEVER forgive me. But I don't deserve him anyway after what I've done to him. I've tried to stop the affair, but it never lasts long. If I confessed, it would be over for good, but I would be alone. Sometimes, I have thoughts of taking my own life, so no one would know my shame and then everything would be over. But it would not be fair to my family. It is a cowards way out.
I don't know what to do. My guilt is all consuming! I want to end the affair, and I have many times, but it never lasts. How can I stop for good? Please help me. I am very depressed! 

bayoub2
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Date Joined Sep 2006
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   Posted 12/8/2011 8:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Guilt is usually the reason for confession...God may forgive you but your husband may not, no matter how much he has changed. Your child's world would be changed forever. I'm not sure I see an upside to confessing other than that it would make YOU feel better.

You have meade your life waymore stressful than is healthy...I suggest going to a counselor..I am certainly not wise enough to figure a good solution. You MUST end the affair but do you really want to detroy all those lives over your mistakes??

I hope you find someone to talk to and I appreciate your honesty...it is a shame that it went on for sooo long..it must feel like there is an elephant in the room for you all the time

Take care and let us know
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

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getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/8/2011 8:50 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry that you are in this situation. You just have to learn to say no to the affair. I agree with Maggie, this would turn your whole world upside down. But if it is bothering you to this extent, you need to do something. I agree, counseling would be the best way to go.

Keep posting, writing things down helps to get it off of your shoulders. And we can give you our ideas of what to do.

I hope that this works out for you. I think your husband being controlling drove you to this. I lived with a controlling man for 23 years. I did end up having an affair, but he never found out. He passed away from lung cancer in 2000. My husband I have now is so loving and kind. I would never stray from him.

Like I said, keep posting. We will help you as much as we can. But some counseling for this would be the way to go...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/8/2011 8:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I am troubled about this ALL the time. I am on an antidepressant. I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode! I don't know why the affair has lasted so long, except that I love him. He says he loves me, but I know that he can't or he would've made me his along time ago. I don't know what his real reasons are. He knows he is destroying my life. I have told him. He seems to be able to live without me. I really know I can't confess, that is why I guess  comes to mind. But I couldn't do that to my family. They would never have peace! If I continue to live, I will never have peace! It is so terrible. No one knows about this. There is NO ONE I can talk to. Thanks for replying to my post. I have thought about a counsler.....

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/8/2011 8:18:01 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/8/2011 10:21 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry, I had to take one word out of your post as we aren't allowed to discuss it. I hope you can understand. Even though you are on medications, I think this warrents counseling too. You need somebody to talk to openly about this.

I think that this guy is taking advantage of you. Wants his cake and eats it too... He may have feelings for you, but i think that they are physical and not emotional. You may love him, but he doesn't sound like he wants to be with you premanently. So you have to weigh out your options and do what is right for you. I am sure you love your husband, or you wouldn't be there.

Please talk to a counselor and sort this out.

Know that we are here for you...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 227
   Posted 12/9/2011 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, you must first decide what you want. Do you want your husband, do you want the other or do you want both. I have no relationship and i would love one, it would be great. Now my advice, your conscience is usually the best guide, you may remember doing something wrong as a child and feeling bad about it and sometimes you can fix it.
So the first thing you can do if you want to remain with your husband is to end the affair immediately and permanently, this will help yourself, your husband and may also prevent a marriage breakup with the other guy your having an affair with. If you do this and cannot live with the guilt and want to own up to the affair do it knowing your marriage may end and accept the consequences. I hope this helps.

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/9/2011 3:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks to everyone that replyed. If the affair guy said to me today, that he wanted me to leave my husband, I don't know what I would do. I think part of the appeal is you always want what you can't have. But he has never said that to me. He always says that you don't know what the future holds. I have ended the affair several time over the years. But I always miss him or he misses me and we start back up again. One time he had an affair with someone else and his wife found out but she took him back. As I said before, he says he wants a divorce from his wife, but he doesn't want me to leave my husband yet. How can you end an affair for GOOD? I guess the reason I want to confess is that I think I need to be punished. I have no illusions that me and the other guy would wind up together. He would hate me and then my husband would hate me..... I guess I REALLY need someone to tell me that the other guy doesn't love me. By the way, we started our affair before he even got married (they were dating, I was married) he chose to marry her instead of being with me. I remember the day very well. I cried all day at work cause it broke my heart so bad! His wife is 15 years older than him and no she doesn't have any money. Lol.

Post Edited (Guiltyconscious) : 12/9/2011 2:52:20 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/9/2011 4:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are right, we always want what we cant have, or it seems appealing at the time. The grass is always greener and all that. But if you were with him, would you be satisfied. You probably say yes now, but once you have gotten there, it might not be as good as you have anticipated.

Since the guilt seems to be an issue, I really think counseling would help you. If your husband and children were to find out about this, what would happen do you think? Some things get exposed no matter how hard you try to keep them secret. I think you are taking a lot of risks, especially where the children are concerned. Would this break up your family if somebody were to find out?

I think in your situation, take it one day at a time. Reaccess your situation. Try not to feel guilty, it will eat you up... You wont be able to handle the simplest things, and people will worry about you and wonder what is up. But do talk to a counselor. It is the best way to get objective feedback. Some people might say what you are doing is selfish, but they aren't walking in your shoes. I hope that this all works out for you. I hope talking about it here helps.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/9/2011 4:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Guilty....I am with Maggie and Karen, you should be in counseling. This guy you are having the affair with does not sound like he loves you...think about it if he loved you when you told him "you are destroying my life" don't you think someone who loved you would not want to be ruining your life.

I hate to say it but the person destroying your life is YOU. This man wants you for one thing and it is physical.....
If you ever want to have a happy life you are going to have to be honest with yourself, why tell your husband...I will tell you why so you don't feel guilty. If you love your husband you would get to counceling, END the affair and start be the wife the way you wanted your husband to be a good husband. It's sounds to me like he has made some real changes.

I hope you start to make some smart choices. I think you could have a wonderful life. If you do truly love your husband you would get couceling let your guilt out there, don't ruin your family. You can do it...just imagine how great it could be. I wish you luck on your journey. I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/9/2011 4:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes Karen it does help to talk about it. Re read my last post. I added some things to it, that you might be able to help me with. Thanks!
 

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/9/2011 4:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi all, please re read my last post before I wrote to Karen. I added some stuff to it. Ya'll tell me what you think. Yes, sos007, you are right, I AM the one destroying my life. He is not making me sleep with him. I choose to. My husband did change, but it took him many, many years to do it. I had already lost some of my feelings for him before he decided to change......

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/9/2011 5:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Gosh, I can't really say if he loves you or not. It is obvious that he loves being with you. But if he truly loved you, he would work out a way to be with you our in the open without hurting others. I am just afraid of you losing your family. Then being alone. I don't know much about the children, but you truly don't want to see them hurt I am sure. Try to put their best interest at heart and first and foremost. Evaluate the consequences of your actions if anybody were to find out. I have to be honest here and say that I had an affair on my first husband. He never did find out and I never felt guilty. But the stress of planning meetings and not getting caught got to be hard. Though there was excitement in it, I have to admit. And with a family, it seems like it would be moreso. The stress that is. That alone could drive anybody crazy. My first husband passed away in 2000. I ended the affair. Strange, but I did. I for some reason didn't want it anymore. I knew I could never have the guy because he remarried his exwife while we were suposedly seeing eachother. Though he did it because of financial reasons, it still told me that he wasn't mine. I am happily married now to a wonderful man. I would never be unfaithful. And in my first marriage I was faithful for 17 years.

That is why I cannot judge you for what you are doing. I just don't want to see you get hurt.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/9/2011 5:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I only have one child. She is 28 years old and has her own life, but she still would be hurt by the situation. I have no grand children and probably wont have any. My daughter is a lesbian. I don't agree with it, but she is my only child. It just makes me so sad, she would be a great mother......

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/9/2011 5:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I didn't feel guilty for years because my husband was so mean, but since he has changed, that is when I started feeling guilty.

sos007
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/9/2011 5:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Guilty....I am sorry I thought you were in love with your husband. I must have mis read your post. I really wish you happiness but I think you are the only one who can make that happen. If you don't love your husband why not end your marriage. I don't understand or is this for selfish reasons you don't want to be alone?


Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 12/9/2011 6:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I totally thought that you had children at home. You must be older than I realized. I am 53 and everybody seems young. That kind of changes the situation a little... I wish just by telling you not to feel guilty that you wouldn't, but I know it isn't that easy. And if your husband is being nicer, I see where that could happen. But are you happy? That is the main thing. Thinking of your well being.

I think most of us agree that you need to talk to a professional ans sort this out. We can give you advice, but you have to do the work. If you are unhappy in your marriage, the best thing would be to end it and move on. Not only for you, but for your husband too. It really isn't fair to him. Just as it isn't fair to you. Life is short. And we got to keep moving forward in our own ways. So please talk to somebody for all of you. You will get guidance and support. And we are here to support you too.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

sos007
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/9/2011 8:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Guilty....I think Karen has a lot of great points. I sure hope you decide to see a counciler I think this will help.


Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/10/2011 7:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
 
I do love my husband. I became close to him again when my Daddy passed away. He was really there for me and has been since. He died almost 2 years ago. Unlike the other guy who didn't even come to the funeral. He chose to go on a fishing trip. He didn't call me untill 6 days after the funeral! I didn't speak to him that time for 8 months. I used to stay in my marriage for my daughter. Now I stay for me and for him. I don't want to be alone and I don't want him to be alone. The world is a lonely place. Like I said, I have no illusions that me and the other guy would wind up together. But I love him also. I know what I have to do, but it is hard. I am afraid that it will start up again, like always. My life is a freaking mess and no one knows it but me. And I know that I have caused it.....

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/10/2011 5:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Guilty...I am sorry but, I am a bit confused. In one post you say that you had already loss feelings for your husband by the time he changed and in your last post you put you still love your husband. This other guy you say you love but, he would go on a fishing trip instead of your dad's funeral. Sorry I just don't get it. You are right the world is a loney place but, to stay with someone just so you don't have to be alone...I don't get it and I am not sure your husband would either.

I hope you can sort things out and remember it can only start up again if you allow it. I really do hope things get worked out...I think you could have a very happy life if you quit complicating it.

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/10/2011 5:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Amy,

You can't live with somebody for almost 29 years without there being feelings for the other person.

sos007
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Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/10/2011 8:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I do understand that as I am into my 31st yr.of marriage and I totally agree that you have feelings for your husband...however, what I am confused about is you saying you are in love with your husband of 29yrs and continue to cheat.

I am sympathetic that you turned to someone else when your husband was being abusive.....but, now it's sounds like your lover and you are being abusive to your husband. Abuse does not have to be physical abuse is something that hurts another and I think your husband would be very hurt if he found out.

I know you must be very confused and hope the best for you, please consider counciling. Then you could get your guilt out and maybe start working on a new start with your husband if that is what you wish.

All the best, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/12/2011 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I continue to cheat because i love the other guy too! If someone could tell me how to stop loving him, I would surely do it. My life would be alot less complicated and I believe I could be really happy. I am not a bad person, but I have made bad decisions and continue to do so:( Any ideas to help get over someone?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 12/12/2011 2:16 PM (GMT -6)   
You just have to be able to control your actions. Put your husband before yourself. If that is what is going to make you happy.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/12/2011 11:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Guilty...I do not think your a bad person, I am just trying to make you see that you can have a happy life. I agree with Karen, put your husband first. If that is what is going to make you happy if he is not going to make you happy end it. I think it is selfish to hang on to him so you are not alone. Do the right thing for you without crushing your husband in the process.

I wish you the best, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/15/2011 6:38 AM (GMT -6)   
I just don't know what to do.........
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