Posted Yesterday 12:07 PM (GMT -7)
I am thankful for my appointment tomorrow, as I do not think my state of mind will begin to get any better without medication. I have tried on my own for three months now and although there were slivers of light, I'm just not stable enough to handle anything. I stayed in bed half of today before coming to work since I am sick and just don't feel well. I am going to contact a priest and ask that he meet with me to also help me. So many appointments, so many outcries for help... I feel pathetic.
I asked a friend to come with me tomorrow and she just "doesn't understand" why I "dont get over it". I tried to explain that this situation has opened a Pandora's box of emotions, dating back to childhood. Growing up with an alcoholic parent, physical and sexual abuse, but worst off, emotional abuse. She says I "just ALLOW these things to bother me and I'm not taking control", that I'm not trying. She says my worst problem is having free time and that I haven't done enough to make sure that doesn't happen. I understand everyone is getting frustrated, but I have tried as well as I know how, that is why I turned to my family because things weren't working. I started volunteering, working weekends, reading books, learning new things.... it's not like I just "gave up".
I have lost all my self worth. Before I dated this girl, I dated a guy who left me to be with his ex before me. We are now friends and I let him know how traumatic it has been for me. He explained that leaving for another state had absolutely nothing to do with me, that it was his shame at his behavior and not completing school. Normal Courtney would just accept that for what he said, but this Courtney is still tearing herself apart, trying to figure out why he chose to stop loving me... I'M CRAZY. This ex is taking his time to talk with me, explain his shameful behavior of the past and it just isn't clicking. I really hope things are just out of balance right now and that medication will help lift the fog so that I can process things correctly.
I am so desperate to be loved by others that I sacrifice my needs and deny my emotions. I wanted her to love me so badly that I forgot what I needed for 4 months, maybe longer. I don't think it's the first time, I think it is repeated behavior. I am SICK. That is not normal behavior, nor is it healthy. What if I can't ever fix it? How do I make sure that I never fall here again? My birthday is three months away and I'd rather disappear than remember my party last year, with ex by my side. It just feels like it will NEVER be better and I've tried for three months already.
What medications are given for anxiety? Are they long term or are they only temporary prescriptions? I think I need something long term... this has been at least 4 years that my life has been consumed with worry and the physical effects.
Today I am doubting myself more than ever. Not only does it not feel like it will ever get better, but I believe I'm not strong enough to make it better. If my ex could just magically "snap out" of her depression (which I SWEAR she's still depressed, just hiding) why can't I hide? And I mean that as, I don't KNOW how to hide from it. Drink? party? date someone new? Is that how you shove down all the bad feelings? My bad feelings are sitting right on my chest, making it hard to breathe. How do people mask that without getting better??