I think I've gone nuts

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greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/8/2011 1:07 PM (GMT -6)   
I am thankful for my appointment tomorrow, as I do not think my state of mind will begin to get any better without medication. I have tried on my own for three months now and although there were slivers of light, I'm just not stable enough to handle anything. I stayed in bed half of today before coming to work since I am sick and just don't feel well. I am going to contact a priest and ask that he meet with me to also help me. So many appointments, so many outcries for help... I feel pathetic.

I asked a friend to come with me tomorrow and she just "doesn't understand" why I "dont get over it". I tried to explain that this situation has opened a Pandora's box of emotions, dating back to childhood. Growing up with an alcoholic parent, physical and sexual abuse, but worst off, emotional abuse. She says I "just ALLOW these things to bother me and I'm not taking control", that I'm not trying. She says my worst problem is having free time and that I haven't done enough to make sure that doesn't happen. I understand everyone is getting frustrated, but I have tried as well as I know how, that is why I turned to my family because things weren't working. I started volunteering, working weekends, reading books, learning new things.... it's not like I just "gave up".

I have lost all my self worth. Before I dated this girl, I dated a guy who left me to be with his ex before me. We are now friends and I let him know how traumatic it has been for me. He explained that leaving for another state had absolutely nothing to do with me, that it was his shame at his behavior and not completing school. Normal Courtney would just accept that for what he said, but this Courtney is still tearing herself apart, trying to figure out why he chose to stop loving me... I'M CRAZY. This ex is taking his time to talk with me, explain his shameful behavior of the past and it just isn't clicking. I really hope things are just out of balance right now and that medication will help lift the fog so that I can process things correctly.

I am so desperate to be loved by others that I sacrifice my needs and deny my emotions. I wanted her to love me so badly that I forgot what I needed for 4 months, maybe longer. I don't think it's the first time, I think it is repeated behavior. I am SICK. That is not normal behavior, nor is it healthy. What if I can't ever fix it? How do I make sure that I never fall here again? My birthday is three months away and I'd rather disappear than remember my party last year, with ex by my side. It just feels like it will NEVER be better and I've tried for three months already.

What medications are given for anxiety? Are they long term or are they only temporary prescriptions? I think I need something long term... this has been at least 4 years that my life has been consumed with worry and the physical effects.

Today I am doubting myself more than ever. Not only does it not feel like it will ever get better, but I believe I'm not strong enough to make it better. If my ex could just magically "snap out" of her depression (which I SWEAR she's still depressed, just hiding) why can't I hide? And I mean that as, I don't KNOW how to hide from it. Drink? party? date someone new? Is that how you shove down all the bad feelings? My bad feelings are sitting right on my chest, making it hard to breathe. How do people mask that without getting better??

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/8/2011 2:22 PM (GMT -6)   
HelloGreen bean885, I guess I dont really know what you are going through, I have never lost a relationship, because I never have had one. But I feel unlovable, rejected and worthless so maybe this is simiar. I take effexor for daytime and avanzer at night. When off medications I cannot stop crying and shaking, so i guess I am dependent. Look, if it will help I have been challenging my negative beliefs and recently reading a motivational book. One statement was no event is a failure just a different outcome. My severe depression has pushed me hard into action and seeking help, I use every resource i have. In the last few months I have visited my sister about 8 times, seen my psychologist about 10 times, spent 2 weeks in adult mental health facility, had medications updated, returned to work, reading books, mindfullness, and trying social activities. But still I am very depressed. You see christmas is coming and is very distressing for many, I urge you to get help because although I have got all this help I am still very depressed and there are times we need to get all the help we can, to get through circumstances. I thank you very sincerely greenbeen for supporting me through my very distressing times.

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/8/2011 3:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I am overwhelmed with pain that has become not only mental, but physical. I sent an e-mail to the priest asking for help. I know that people can't drop what they are doing to help me... but I wish they could. The problem is that, no one can fix this but me. It just seems like everything I tried didn't work. I had started to feel better... I was focusing on me. Knowing that she is dating someone else is just too much.

Moreso, it's feeling like I was abandoned again for someone else. I am always left because "I am too good." One ex last night said to me, "If I would have come back three months after I left when I called you, do you really think things would have worked out? No, you probably wouldn't have been able to even consider giving me a second chance for what I did to you". So instead of trying and making effort to fix things with me, people just write themselves off, saying that I wouldn't ever be with them again. I'm not a monster!!!! I know forgiveness, especially with those I love!!! Knowing how happy I made her and thinking that someone else can make her that happy is just impossible. I was different or so I thought. I'm not all I cracked up to be :(

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/8/2011 3:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello greenbean, here is an exercise I did in hospital when I medications could not stop me from crying. I sat in front of a television for 2 hours, listened to every word spoken, i stared at the screen, listened to everything, commercials, just focused on the words spoken. This helped me, this is just mindfullness, i guess I was so distressed I would try anything. Goodluck, I'm off to work.

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/8/2011 4:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks beagleman. I rcd an email back from the priest and he says he will call tonight. Maybe between that call and the dr appt, tomorrow will be a better day. I just don't know how things got to be this difficult.

tmjpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 12/8/2011 5:50 PM (GMT -6)   
So sorry you are suffering so much greenbeans. I am sure the priest will be able to help you. You are being very hard on yourself. Be kind to you. You are a good person.
How old are you? Do you live alone? Can a friend come and stay with you for a few days so you are not alone?
Good luck with your dr. appt tomorrow and let us know how you make out.

Take it one day at a time and even one hour at a time. Slow and steady wins the race.

I hope you have a better evening.

Suzane

Alaskah
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 12/8/2011 9:38 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry to hear how your friend responded to you. The worst thing we can be told is to "just get over it" or "try harder." It isn't that simple, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

Like tmjpain said, you are being too hard on yourself. This is a difficult time for you, and you need to do what you have to in order to heal and get on with your life. With the pain you are in, do you feel it is beneficial or harming you to remain friends with your ex's? This is a difficult kind of friendship to maintain when feelings still linger.

As for anxiety meds, many anti-depressants are also prescribed for anxiety. I was on Zoloft when I was a teenager for anxiety, and I am on it again now for depression. I had also tried Lexapro for a while. I don't have experience with other medications but there are many and I know others here have more experiences to speak from.

I hope you are able to find some comfort in the support of your priest and doctor.

"Life's journey is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."


Chronic Lyme, Depression, Anxiety, 12+ Years

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 12/8/2011 9:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry Greenbean, I know just what you feel about loss of a relationship. I also have the mental pain which has become physical. I am taking several medications. Today I even took half of the ativan at work. It is supposed to relax you. I am being told by friends that it is enough. I want to stop but can't. My ex said date and meet other people for fun. I can't. Still trying to gather the dust from my shattered heart. We willmove on Greenbean and I hope its sooner that later. Here for you.

elfenprincess
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 12/9/2011 1:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I understand the pain you're going through :( break ups have got to be one of the hardest things, especially if you've poured your heart and soul into them...being away from the person and still wondering if they're ok, etc can leave you feeling really lost. That's where I'm at. But asking for help is a good thing, I think, and nothing to be ashamed of...I'm currently seeing a therapist and considering getting back on medication, because in the end it's better for me than having to suffer alone or pretend things are just ok. Hang in there *hugs* things will get better <3

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/9/2011 1:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you to everyone for the responses. Yesterday was truly a tough day. I went to the appt this am and made it through! I am going to start Paxil and go back in a month. The plan is that at that point, I will start Xanax as well. She said that she felt the Paxil would seriously help with the OCD and weaken the anxiety but that I may need to be on something a little stronger for awhile after that.

Also, she said that she felt I would need to stay on something my whole life for the OCD and anxiety. I guess I am ok with that, I am just trying to accept that I cannot control it, I can only learn to cope with it better.

A couple I am friends with is coming to stay with me tonight and tomorrow I am going to stay with my grandmother so I can get out of town. I know that it will be hard for me to come back on Sunday night, but I do have counseling on Tuesday and I already have things planned for next weekend. I spoke with the priest last night for nearly two hours. Actually, he did all of the talking and it was really magical how he pinpointed exact feelings and situations through my childhood....he didn't even know me personally until last night! I ran by the church today to pick up a book he suggested for me so hopefully that will help.

Everyone (adults, counselor, doctor, priest, parents) is amazed with my intelligence and humbleness at 22. They said I am so wise and strong to be aware of my brokenness at such a young age and figure things out. I know I can't be worried with this right now, but I hope that by getting all these things right, I am able to find "the one". I know that I must push through this for myself, but I just have this intuitive feeling that there's a reason all this has happened right now. Maybe it's so I can handle getting my masters in a few years... who knows.

Anyway, please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers. I am just trying to make it. One day, I'll be back to my sassy, outgoing self.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 12/9/2011 2:23 PM (GMT -6)   
You sound a lot older than 22. Very mature...

I sure hope all goes well for you. You are trying and that is what counts. Keep up the good work. Good luck with the new meds. Do keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/10/2011 8:57 AM (GMT -6)   
My meds didn't go through at the pharmacy, so I won't have any till Monday :( been having some bad dreams/thoughts lately. Just ready for them all to go away. One day living in this small town may not bother me again, but for today, it does.

Woke up with a lot of anxiety, probably cause I had a bad dream.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/10/2011 9:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Thinking about you Bean (I call my daughter that too!!) sounds like you are alittle calmer and I hope the meds snafu doesn't hit you too hard. Didi your friends come?

Hang in there-I'm rooting for you
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 12/10/2011 9:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Courtney,

I am sorry about the bad dreams. That can leave us feeling uneasy for awhile. but remember they were only dreams.

Don't let this get to you. You are going to make it. I know it is hard right now. But hang in there a little longer. Know that we all care...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/11/2011 9:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Greenbean, It sounds like you are going through alot of what I myself am going through. Losing somebody dosen't always have to mean that they have passed away. don't be hard on yourself, try to stay positive, and give yourself time to grieve. We are all here for you !!

Blessings, Michelle :-)

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/11/2011 10:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Green, I am glad you're seeking counseling and support through different avenues. Love is hard, but its truly better to worry about YOU first. The sexual abuse through your childhood is something I know all too well and the memory hits us like a ton of bricks when we least expect or need it. And you will find Mr or Mrs Right!
Kelsey; 25 year old lady suffering from a slew: Depression, Anxiety, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), etc.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/11/2011 11:01 PM (GMT -6)   
greenbean...sending positive thoughts your way. I am so sorry for all you are going through, I will keep you in my prayers and hope things get better soon.


Bless you, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/12/2011 8:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you everyone for the positive thoughts and prayers. I did go to mass yesterday and it seems to have helped me feel a little better. I took a lot of notes so that I could reflect on them later.

I will try to get the medicine scramble worked out with the dr today... still having bad anxiety over everything.

I also started reading Sam Obitz's book "Been There, Done That, Do This!". So far, I like his writing style, as it is to the point and not overwhelming for someone who doesn't want to take on a huge "self help" book.

My Pandora's box of problems is open now and since we all know you can't close the box once it's open, the only thing to do is work through them.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 12/12/2011 9:24 AM (GMT -6)   
You will work though this. I have confidence in you. One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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