im done with life

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outtatouch
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/10/2011 12:38 AM (GMT -6)   
what is wrong with me?
i feel out of touch with my life. 6 mo. ago i left my husband for emotional and physical abuse...i have been trying to deal with things. He kept harrassing me, and his goal was to take my son away from me. he finally suceeded. he made life uncomfortable and my son is leaving to stay with his father. i put a protection order on him.
i have lost everything, my house, my dog, my son, my life and a friend whom i love very very much. i am ready to give up. i am angry at everything in my life and i am pushing everyone away so i can give up.
im tired of fighting for everyone and coming up with nothing and noone. i am left alone and lonely. noone cares or understands my feelings. noone tries to it seems.
i am sick of fighting for my life. ive done it for 40 years and i feel done.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/10/2011 1:20 AM (GMT -6)   
When I read your post...I did not ask why I asked why not, seriously look what you have been through. That would drive the stablest of people to were you are. You have had some very great losses. You are grieving, I think you should think of speaking with a counciler . They can help you mend.

Do not be so down on yourself you have been through a great deal. Take one day at a time...Hang in there. If you are feeling suidcidal please get help immediately. You do matter, you have a son who still needs his mother and you are worth fighting for.

I understand and I care.

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/10/2011 6:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Your sadness and fatigue are entirely understandable but treatable.

I too have lost everything twice in my life (addiction one time and Katrina the other) and thought I would never be strong enough to keep living, but I did. We do keep living and sometimes after Katrina, it was not one day at a time but one second at a time, one foot in front of another

Welcome to the forum and I would recommend counseling right away. I am sorry about your son moving, that must feel like the end of the world. We lost our daughter to foster care for 8 months and I truly felt like dying every day, but it does get better.

Go easy on yourself, get some counseling and one brick ata a time, rebuild a new life...there will be good times and your son needs a Mom even a depressed one.

Hope you keep posting
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/10/2011 9:35 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry for your losses. I am glad you took the step of coming here. Please don't think in these terms. We are not allowed to discuss suicide, so I have to tip toe around it. I will get you some resources, or if you go to the resources at the top of the page you will find them.

Life is prescious and it is short as it is. You have your son, though right now he is staying with his father. He still needs you.

I totally agree with Maggie, get into counsleing right away. This is very important for your well being.

We all do care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Guiltyconscious
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/10/2011 1:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, my husband used to be extremely verbally abusive also. Only once physical. My life is a mess right now also, but please don't give up! You have to stay strong for your son! I wished my daughter was still at home. I miss her so very much. She is 28 now and I have no grandkids. So it is very lonesome. It doesn't bother my husband. He likes it quite. I know everyone thinks about what you were talking about before and I have also but you have to think like this: your son would never have peace in his life again. I know people who have gone through this kind of thing and the ones left behind are tortured for the rest of their lives. You WILL get through this. Hugs!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/10/2011 4:56 PM (GMT -6)   
I read your post and I can feel your pain.  I have experienced many losses so I know how you feel.  I hope you come back and read the wonderful responses to you here in the forum.
 
My email is open if you would like to talk about your losses.  You are obviously grieving your losses which is normal.  Feel the pain and give into it – even give it precedence over other emotions and activities, because grief is a pain that will get in the way later if it is ignored. 
 
Give yourself as much time to grieve as you need. Once you find new energy, begin to look for interesting things to do. Take courses, donate time to a cause you support, meet new people, or even find a new job.
 
Seeing a therapist is a wonderful idea and remember the therapist is there just for you. 
 
Please do keep talking with us.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
 
DX: Anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and Social Anxiety, GERD, Hypertension, Skin Cancer, Osteoarthritis and a few others smhair
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety, Osteoarthritis,
GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

Post Edited (stkitt) : 12/10/2011 3:59:40 PM (GMT-7)


outtatouch
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/10/2011 5:31 PM (GMT -6)   
ALL MY LIFE HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE. EVERYONE I HAVE LOVED HAS GONE SOMEHOW. I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AND PHYSICALLY ABUSED SEVERLY AS A CHILD.

IN OCT. 2005, I LOST A GOOD FRIEND AND COULD REMEMBER HIM SAYING I LOVE YOU GUYS. THE SAME DAY HE DIED.

DEC. 2005, MY DAUGHTER WHOM I ATTENDED EVRY PARENT CONFERENCE AND EVERY BBQ AT SCHOOL AND LOVED WAS TAUGHT BY HER DAD TO TURN HER BACK ON ME AND I GOT HATEFUL PHONE CALLS ON XMAS AND NEW YEARS.

IN MARCH OF 2009 OF JAN, I LOST BOTH MY GRANDMOTHERS.
I BEGAN HELPING AN AQUAINTANCE WHO HAD LUNG CANCER AND TO ONLY WALK THE DEATH ROAD WITH HIM AS HE DEVELOPED BRAIN CANCER. HE BECAME MY BEST FRIEND. I WAS HIS HOSPICE CARETAKER WHEN HE DIED AND WAS THERE WHEN HE WAS PUT INTO A BODY BAG. I

WAS TORN IN A WAY I HAD NEVER FELT. I CRIED FOR YEARS.
IN 2010 HE DIED AFTER I OBSERVED 7 DAYS OF HIM REFUSING FOOD AND WATER. MY HEART WAS SHATTERED.

MYHUSBAND ONLY MADE MY LIFE WORSE BY BEING HATEFUL TO ME AND USING MY CHILD AGAINST ME. I HAD NOONE TO TALK TO. NOONE BELIEVED ME THAT ALL THIS WAS GOING ON. MY HUSBAND HAD A GOOD FACE WHEN IT CAME TO OTHERS AND A BAD ONE WHEN IT CAME TO US.
AT HOME, I LOST THE RESPECT OF NEIGHBORS AS MY HUSBAND THREW OUT MY DIRTY LAUNDRY FOR ALL TO HEAR. I LOST MY RESPECT WHERE I LIVED, MY SON AND I WAS ISOLATED FROM ANY SUPPORT. NOONE BELIEVED ME about THE ABUSE AND THEY TURNED THEIR BACK TO ME.

I HELPED MY HUSBAND KEEP HIS HOME, DEAL WITH HIS PROBATE AND FIGHT L&I FOR HIM....TO ONLY BE TOLD I AM NOTHING.

I LOVED MY DOG VERY MUCH. MY HUSBAND IS VERY MANIPULATIVE AND SPITEFUL.

I LOST MY ROLE IN LIFE IT SEEMS BY BEING A WIFE AND MOTHER.

NOW MY SON IS LEAVING TO HIS FATHERS AND I DONT KNOW IF HIS FATHER WILL POISON HIS MIND AGAINST ME AS WELL.

I HAVE TRIED ALL MY LIFE TO HELP PEOPLE AND STILL DO. BUT I AM AFRAID TO LOVE. WHEN I DO, THEY ALL GO BY DEATH OR BETRAYAL.

I DONT HURT OTHERS. I DONT BELIEVE IN HURTING ANYONE. I TRY TO LOVE PEOPLE AND SHARE WHAT I FEEL LOVE IS.

I DONT KNOW WHERE TO TURN ANYMORE. I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL AND WHAT I SHOULD FEEL.

I AM TIRED OF LOOSING IN LIFE AND FEEL AS THOUGH I AM NOTHING AN D WILL BE NOTHING BUT A FAILURE IN LIFE, A LOOSER.

I FEEL TWICE AS BAD WHEN I HURT THE FEELINGS OF A FRIEND WHO CARES BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE, I NEVR HAVE.

I FEEL AS THOUGH I SHOULD NOT BE HERE. AT TIMES, I HATE BREATHING AND FEELING.

IM NOT WHINING BUT I AM AT ROCK BOTTOM IN LIFE AND HAVE LOST MOTIVATION TO MOVE FORWARD. I FEEL I GO THROUGH THE ACTIONS OF LIFE BUT NOTHING MORE.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/10/2011 6:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I am truly sorry for all your losses and trust me I do understand completely.  Remember nobody can take away your own self respect so hold you chin up high and deal with it one day at a time.
 
It may feel like you have nothing good in your life right now but perhaps if you make a list of all the good things that happened over the years mentioned you may find out the list is longer then what you have posted.
 
For instance, in 2009, you lost a friend to lung cancer however look at the comfort and caring, the friendship you gave to this person because you are a good person.  Having had the opportunity to help this person was a blessing bestowed upon you.  You were lucky to call each other friend.
 
In 2009 I lost my sister to ovarian cancer after a 10 month fight and I miss her so much but I am also thankful that I was chosen to be one of her 2 primary care givers at the Hope Cancer Lodge as well as be there at the bedside throughout her hundreds of days spent in the hospital.  The very same month I lost my brother so they are both gone but I was lucky to have them in my lives even thow I shed tears I remember the good times we shared. And I lost my oldest sister in 2008 so all my siblings are gone. 
 
I cannot go into detail here but in 1990 our 21 year old son died in a car crash................I will never get over his death but I still try to remember all the love and fun we shared as a family. 
 
I do understand the feeling of wanting to dig that hole but it is not the answer.  Let us help you.
 
Gentle hugs,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety, Osteoarthritis,
GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

outtatouch
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/10/2011 7:56 PM (GMT -6)   
I APPRECIATE ALL THE CARE YOU GIVE. I AM THANKFUL HAVE JOINED THIS SITE. I REALLY ANTICIPATED NO REPLY AND INSTEAD I HAVE ALOT TO SORT THROUGH THAT ARE POSITIVE.
I THINK WHAT HAPPENED TO PEOPLE LIKE US, REAL PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. WHOEVER I HAVE TALKED TO HAS NOT LISTENED OR HAS BEEN CRITICAL WHICH HAS MADE THINGS WORSE.
THE CARE IN THE EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE AND FOR YOU TO SHARE THEM WITH ME TAKES ALOT OF COURAGE FOR YOU. I SAY THAT BECAUSE IT TOOK ME A BIT TO EVEN BEGIN SHARING.
I ADMIRE ALL OF YOU FOR BEING A "FRIEND" BECAUSE OF WHOM I HAVE, YOU GUYS ARE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/10/2011 8:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I am happy that you received so much good feedback here on the depression forum. And I am happy you see some positives that you can sort out and work on. This gives you options. And that is good.

I think that you hae been given some very good advice by some wonderful members. I do want to reinforce counseling. I feel it is very important for healing. And it is extra support for you.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 12/10/2011 9:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel so bad for all you have been through and good to see that you have the support of the responders.

My story quite different but I was iatrogenically injured by doctors who did what (upon review) was an unneeded surgery, done wrong with no follow up to complications. On my own, without the help of even my own PCP, I had to literally battle to get my life saved. I had to see 11 docs at 7 medical centers over 13 months. I permanently lost the use of my healthy colon and rectum and for 7 months the use of my small intestine due to severe adhesions that gave me on-going small bowel obstructions if I ate. I was given no IV nutrition and lost 1/4 of my body weight and massive muscle and bone density loss. I met docs who tried to help, those who said the damages were "all in my mind" and I was locked in a psych ward. The psych said you need surgical help not a psychiatrist, I said THANK YOU!!! On my 4th small bowel obstruction a nurse said to me "YOU AGAIN!" What a help that was....NOT!

FINALLY i found a doc just before he retired who fixed me the best that could be done, cutting of severely dense adhesions off my small bowel and giving me as permanent ileostomy (I poop into a bag out of my small intestine) and due to the original injuries and scarring I will be lucky if my ileostomy keeps working. So far so good and it has been 4+ years. During that time I have traveled the world and taken up ballroom dancing and am getting post traumatic stress syndrome counseling which is slowly working.

The reason I post such an off-topic reply is that LIFE IS SHORT!!!! DITCH those who have hurt you!!!! I realize I do not bring to this response the issue of property loss and loss of child to abusive spouse and lack of money and I certainly acknowledge ALL you have mentioned and really feel for you.

BUT IF YOU STILL HAVE YOUR HEALTH YOU HAVE SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!! YOU CAN AND YOU WILL GET THOUGHT THE REST OF THIS. YOU STILL HAVE YOU! God Bless you all. Stay strong and fight back. I did though in a much different way.

I jumped over from the ostomy board to lend some perspective. Hope I have done so in an appropriate manner as intended. I hope each and everyone of you finds help with your life crisis. Sincerely, Rosemary

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/10/2011 10:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Rosemary....I could have wrote the first part of your post. So I do get it you have been to hell and back. I am soo happy that you are enjoying life and traveling the world. Bless you and continue to take good care of yourself and continue enjoying life.

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/10/2011 10:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Rosemary....I could have wrote the first part of your post. So I do get it you have been to hell and back. I am soo happy that you are enjoying life and traveling the world. Bless you and continue to take good care of yourself and continue enjoying life.

Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 12/10/2011 10:45 PM (GMT -6)   
sos007,

Thanks. And glad it was OK I posted on this strand. Can I ask what happened to you in medical realm, if you want to share that is? If not that's OK too. I just really need to connect with iatrogenically injured people as it adds a layer to normal depression. we have been injured by the very people who are supposed to make us better. Really hard to crawl out of the devastation of this. Plus we are physically injured as well as emotionally. Rosemary

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 12/10/2011 11:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry you are going through this. The posts are very encouraging which is why I love this forum. They also make you want to carry on. You may feel that you are at rock bottom then sombody here will say something that makes you continue in this fight.

Sending comforting wishes your way.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 12/11/2011 7:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Rosemary,

Thanks for your honest and insightful post. We can all learn from you. I am so glad thta you popped in. You have strength and endurance. And a good head on your shoulders. Do visit us more often.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/11/2011 7:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey outtatouch

How are you doing? Just thinking of you and hope you are doing better

keeps posted...we care about all of you

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 12/11/2011 9:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen


Thanks for the welcome. Physical injury does bring additional perspective. If I just ended up with the ostomy to save my life that would be one thing. BUT the reason I also have depression is that literally at any minute I could have more small bowel adhesion obstructuions even having been OK for 4 years.

I did ask the longer you go without one is that a good sign and I was told no it can happen at any time. Due to some childhood traumas anticipation was always my worst enemy. So anticipating this is tricky hence the PTSD counseling, all the travel and dance. I am so thankful to be doing it but part of it is to do it before it's too late mode.

If not for my initial injury I would be doing it all with a different mind set. Hope this makes sense. Rosemary
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