I'm too young to feel this empty...

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Artistic Loon
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/10/2011 2:13 AM (GMT -6)   
cry Hey hey everyone. Just found this forum in a desperate attempt to reach out to other caring people who understand. I'm 23 years old and living in Canada...and I think I would like to officially dub myself "depressed." I'm just gonna lay it all out here, because who really cares? You don't know me, I don't know you. Maybe it's easier this way. I do, however, immensely appreciate a sympathetic ear and anything you can share with me. This will be long and I apologize...

As I said, I'm a 23 year old girl. Basically, I'm in the prime of my life. But my current situation is this: I've dropped out of Bible college after 4 years of what feels like time wasted, I've moved back in with my parents, and I have not once had a boyfriend my entire life. In fact, I have been on one date and it was nothing special. It's not that there is anything wrong with me... But no one has asked.

I used to be quite vibrant and full of life. I was very active at school; always taking part in events and building a rather comfortable social circle. I used to get up early to pray, spent random moments rejoicing over the little things, and for the most part enjoying my life.

about a year ago things changed. I've always been prone to depression, thanks to a combination of poor genetics and my upbringing, but it really hit me in the middle of my third year of school. The suicidal thoughts I had entertained briefly before we're now occurring daily, almost hourly. I sunk into myself and my grades slipped immensely. I gave it one more year, but in the end I simply walked away from the pressures of a tiny school with high demands and shallow friendships.

I am now living back with my parents with a steady job and income. That's about all I can say for my situation. My parents, God bless them, have essentially given up striving to achieve anything in life. My dad breaks his back at work 14 hours a day with nothing much to show for it (ESPECIALLY not any form of happiness) and my mom is on disability with no intentions of finding another job. Our times together are spent watching TV. That is all. My mom watches TV from the moment she gets up till the moment she sleeps. She once told me she has no dreams for her life and is fine with that.

I can't go blaming anyone else for who I am, because we all make choices. But I feel like the only example I have had to follow since I was born is that of mediocrity. Take the middle road. Keep your head down. Life's a ***** and then you die. Work to pay for your ungrateful family so they can throw you to the wolves. These are the wise life lessons I have absorbed at the feet of my loved ones. My dad once essentially laughed in my face for trying to get through school. Not a respectable enough degree, won't make enough money, yadda yadda. I have been around people who worship at the shrine of the mighty dollar my entire life.

Now, here I am, a vibrant young woman on the precipice of life... And all I want to do is get off as quickly as possible. I have very few friends, and less close ones. My best friend lives 18 hours away from me. My parents and I don't really speak. I'm a contractor at my job, meaning I could be fired as soon as they decide they dont need me anymore. I used to use Facebook to keep in touch, but it depressed me more to see all the people I used to be friends with living their lives and ignoring me. I deleted it.

I live in a dead end town with quite literally no other opportunities than the oilfield. I am artistic and musically inclined; yet my drawings go nowhere and trying to learn an instrument is beyond me, as we don't even really have teachers in town. Online has not worked for me. I have tried many hobbies but am too depressed and lonely and scatterbrained to really learn them enough to enjoy.

Am I really doomed to live a life of mediocrity? To never know the sweet joy of romance, of real deep friends, of finding my niche in life? I told myself that this was a phase, that it would pass, but I'm beginning to have my doubts. Phases don't usually last a lifetime.

I don't know where to go or what to do. I have student loans to pay. I'm honestly at that point where I feel like I could die somewhere, and it would take days for anyone to miss me.

Well internet, thanks for listening. Guess I'll shut my grey yap and go embrace a life of utter meaninglessness.

Artistic Loon
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/10/2011 2:25 AM (GMT -6)   
I also apologize for how long this is. I haven't ever been to a counselor and haven't articulated these feelings properly... In a very long time. It just kind of comfort me to know I am not alone in my suffering.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 12/10/2011 4:04 AM (GMT -6)   
you are not alone. we are here. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/10/2011 6:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank for your lovely articulate post Loon (if I may call you that-lol) You are obviously an intelligent, introspective person. Rarely have I read such an apt description of despair.

I am so sorry you are in that place (literally and figuratively speaking. You are mature beyond your years.

Welcome to this forum. We are good people going thru the same thing you are...I think you can find fellowship and support here. We encourage and laugh together.

I think counseling would be a great start. If you do not have insurance, most places have a sliding scale mental health clinic.

Your home life sounds very dismal. Is there a chance you could move out?

Your post really touched me..I hope you come back and share some more with us. You area very very talented young person and We would like to help you move past this. And it will pass and get better.

Take care
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/10/2011 10:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Artistic Loon,

Welcome to the forum. This is a place where you can come and share, get some perspectives on your situation.

It sounds like your town is like mine, nothing. You may have to move to become successful. I am sorry that you didn't finish your courses. I think taht is what you said. Is there anyway you could go back and finish up?

Yea, student loans. They are the pits. Pay them back the best you can and don't worry about the rest. Keep moving forward. I agree that counseling would be good for you. It would give you a better perspective of your life and help you to move forward.

I wish you the best. Do keep posting. We really do care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Artistic Loon
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/10/2011 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much for your kind words, friends :) Sometimes it's very easy to get in that place of self-centeredness and pity. But I want to grow from this and learn how I can help others too. I have already helped some young ladies in the midst of eating disorders (I used to be bulimic), and it would be really great to beat depression as well.

You all sound like thoughtful, compassionate, beautiful people and I can't wait to get to know you :)

Call me Melanie by the way! ^_^

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/10/2011 12:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Melanie,

I am glad that you have found pleasure in helping others. That is such a good feeling.

Keep up the good work. And I hope that you find help and comfort here.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/10/2011 1:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Melanie,

Your post really reached out to me as I am 22 and having a hard time with things lately as well. I am in counseling and have just visited with my dr to get meds for my OCD and anxiety (maybe depression too?).

I am sorry that your parents have given up on their dreams and aspirations. I have seen a couple people that I love give up on their dreams, but never my parents. I know how difficult it is to see other people "let themselves go", and I cannot imagine what a struggle that must cause for you. You mentioned that you were in a religious college... what were you pursuing?

You mentioned that you can't blame others for what you are going through. Sometimes, I feel guilty cause I want to blame others and like you, I know I cannot. Sadly, it's not my fault either though. Through counseling and a visit with my priest, I have learned lately that things affecting me now have been engraved since childhood. Maybe it was events or feelings that were not met as a child... I haven't quite figured that out yet, but I am on my way.

I'd like to share more with you about my experience, as it seems to me we have some situations in common. I recently added my email to my profile, so if you'd like to e-mail me anytime, please do!

There are some really great people here that will help you like they have helped me. Just know that others do understand, as difficult as that is to believe.

Best wishes,

Courtney

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 12/10/2011 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Melanie,

Welcome. I am 40 now, but I was once 23 too, and I started bible college right around that time. :0) I entered for a four year degree, but after a year didn't see the point. So I switched to a 2 year diploma and finished with that. Bible college has a lot of good qualities, but one thing it doesn't necessarily offer is preparation for a job after, unless you are going into some kind of church work. But I can say I am glad I went for the experience of it. It made me a richer person in a lot of ways, and I think there are probably a lot of hidden jewels that you have come away with as well.

I'm also artistic. After dropping out of bible college, I returned to finish my degree in music at university. But oops, didn't have the money, then found myself in an abusive relationship, and long story short, at age 26 ended up back at my mother's a mess, having dropped out of university a second time - this time by necessity, not choice. The way I felt was like just when my life should be beginning the bottom had fallen out. But we survive and we carry on and our lives recreate themselves out of the ashes, all the more when one has faith.

I think that anyone would feel depressed living in teh kind of atmosphere you describe and without the support of their parents. But you are not your parents. You have the chance to start a new legacy - to break out of the mediocrity and the passivity towards life that is around you. Don't let your parent's get you down. Do things for yourself and above all, keep believing in God and your life.

You are only 23. That is way too young to give up. I don't say that lightly. I wrote a song when I was a year younger than that about all the years of sorrow I had endured, and looking for my ticket to deliverance and happiness. I hung in there, and my life has had a purpose as I've continued onward.

Being you are artistic, you are probably a very sensitive soul and more sensitive than others to the things in your environment, both the bad and the good. Try to focus on the good. And dont' worry about the boyfriend thing. In my opinion that's a blessing. You've been spared a lot of heartache, and when it's meant to be, the right person will come along.

Stay alive. You have a purpose for being in this world, and there are many good things stored up for you. You can be free of the baggage of your parents and create your own path. I'm doing it. :0) And many others are too.

We're all routing for you. And this forum is a great place to find support and hang out.

embers

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/10/2011 6:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Melanie...Welcome to hw forum...like the other members have mentioned....you have come to the right place, we all care. This forum is full of helpful and uplifting members. I know you are only 23 and it is hard being so young and feeling the way you do. Hang in there...life can be wonderful.

Start a new chapter you do not have to follow your parents route...take your own. Do better...that is what I have always told my kids learn from our mistakes...do better.

I agree with the others couciling is what you need it will help. I wish you luck on your journey....life is worth living

Bless you, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/10/2011 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Everyone has already given you so much great advice. I just want you to know you're worth it. You are worth the life you've been given. And no, its not easy. But sometimes, we go through hardships and come out on the other side with a better appreciation for the good times, because of all those things we had to endure. Things will get better. And my parents are content with their lives, but they've always tried to push me to do better. And they may not say it, but I'm sure, deep down, that's what they want for you..

Hang in there and keep posting!
Kelsey; 25 year old lady suffering from a slew: Depression, Anxiety, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), etc.

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 12/10/2011 11:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Kelsey,

that was a very inspiring post you shared. It gave me a lift reading it.
Hope you're feeling better Melanie. One day at a time.

embers

Artistic Loon
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/11/2011 12:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Courtney, I would love to chat more. I will be in touch!

Artistic Loon
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/11/2011 12:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Embers...

Thank you so much for your reply. I studied
Missions in bible college and you are so right - they fail to mention that you can't really get a job out of bible school!

You all have given me such a lift today... I wish I could properly respond, but I'm on my iPhone and this thing makes responses difficult :(

I am kind of proud of myself... I tend to nest and avoid people when I get this way, but I'm just returning home from watching a movie with a friend :) A friend who suffers from what I suspect is bipolar disease, so she is sympathetic as well.

My only big hurdle here is going back to church... I have a deep, profound faith in God, but for some reason I have such a hard time going to church nowadays. Besides the children, I am one of the youngest people there. I know we're not supposed to be at church for ourselves, but I feel so lonely sometimes.

Thank you all for who you are!

Artistic Loon
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/11/2011 12:44 AM (GMT -6)   

justwant2bemeagain
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 12/11/2011 2:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Melanie,
I just had to pop in and say hello to you. I can understand your feelings about going back to church, because at one point in my life I felt the same way. I come from a family full of ministers and going to church as a kid was not a choice that I had. It was almost as if that is all that we did... CHURCH CHURCH CHURCH.... I am 45 years young now and when I look back and to the future, I am glad that I was taught to have faith in God. In my twenties I went through a phase where I didn't think that I needed anything to do with God. I really lost my way. Going back to church was difficult at first because I knew that I would have to confess my wrong doings. I was ashamed. I feel for you with the struggles that you are having , and I believe that God will see you through. I too struggle with many different issues , and my best advice to you would be to give your troubles to God ! Remember that God will not put you in situations that you cannot handle.

Blessings and Prayers, Michelle :-)

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 12/11/2011 2:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Melanie,

Good for you on going to the movie with your friend!! That's a positive thing. You should be proud of yourself. I have a friend who says "things may be hard, but I celebrate every little victory."

Re. going back to church, are there other churches in the area you could visit to see if they have more people your age? It's good to find some place that you feel comfortable because although we go to church to worship God, as you know it is also about sharing faith with others and feeling a part of things. The other thing is that life is about seasons, and sometimes we are in between things - that is to say, God is always with you whether or not you're officially attending a specific church at the moment.

I hope you have a nice day today!

embers

P.S. My husband was just telling me the story of Jackie Pullinger. She was 20 and wanted to do mission work, but no mission agency would support her because she had no training and they said she was too young. She didn't have any bible college degree but she went to do missions anyway, and God has done amazing things through her. Addicts being delivered without any side effects for example. Moral of the story: There are many different ways for our life purposes to be fulfilled beyond the limitations of the cultural norms and traditions in place. Never underestimate the potential of your life.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/11/2011 7:50 AM (GMT -6)   
God is around us within us God never is too busy God never judges God is love God is justice God is mercy

There are too many ways to write them down to be one with the Lord...he reads your heart, cries for you rejoices with you God is Omega, the light the redemption..

God will never abandon you

Love Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

Theshadow
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/13/2011 7:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I am a 19 year old male, and I have severe deprssion as well as PTSD. I had a terrible childhood and it leaks into my adult life. I really feel for you. I don't go on Facebook anymore either cause except for 2 of my friends (both girls) all of my friends pretty much ignore me as well. I have never dated a girl either, so yeah I knwo hwo you are feeling and it sucks. Life is cruel and it is a ***** and soemtimes it feels like you just have to let it happen which really sucks. Hang in there. It's disturbing to me as well to feel like if I were to die almost know one would know and that makes you feel even more alone then you already do.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/13/2011 9:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Shadow,

Welcome to the forum. You sound very depressed. Maybe you could start a thread of your own and get some support. Members here would love to support you. So if you feel up to it, start your own introductory thread so we can get to know you better. If not, that is okay too.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Artistic Loon
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/13/2011 10:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi guys!!

Promise I haven't poofed. I was just busy these past few days. I thank you all for your thoughtful responses to my post :) I will work on answering each of you individually as soon as I can <3
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