Hey hey everyone. Just found this forum in a desperate attempt to reach out to other caring people who understand. I'm 23 years old and living in Canada...and I think I would like to officially dub myself "depressed." I'm just gonna lay it all out here, because who really cares? You don't know me, I don't know you. Maybe it's easier this way. I do, however, immensely appreciate a sympathetic ear and anything you can share with me. This will be long and I apologize...
As I said, I'm a 23 year old girl. Basically, I'm in the prime of my life. But my current situation is this: I've dropped out of Bible college after 4 years of what feels like time wasted, I've moved back in with my parents, and I have not once had a boyfriend my entire life. In fact, I have been on one date and it was nothing special. It's not that there is anything wrong with me... But no one has asked.
I used to be quite vibrant and full of life. I was very active at school; always taking part in events and building a rather comfortable social circle. I used to get up early to pray, spent random moments rejoicing over the little things, and for the most part enjoying my life.
a year ago things changed. I've always been prone to depression, thanks to a combination of poor genetics and my upbringing, but it really hit me in the middle of my third year of school. The suicidal thoughts I had entertained briefly before we're now occurring daily, almost hourly. I sunk into myself and my grades slipped immensely. I gave it one more year, but in the end I simply walked away from the pressures of a tiny school with high demands and shallow friendships.
I am now living back with my parents with a steady job and income. That's about
all I can say for my situation. My parents, God bless them, have essentially given up striving to achieve anything in life. My dad breaks his back at work 14 hours a day with nothing much to show for it (ESPECIALLY not any form of happiness) and my mom is on disability with no intentions of finding another job. Our times together are spent watching TV. That is all. My mom watches TV from the moment she gets up till the moment she sleeps. She once told me she has no dreams for her life and is fine with that.
I can't go blaming anyone else for who I am, because we all make choices. But I feel like the only example I have had to follow since I was born is that of mediocrity. Take the middle road. Keep your head down. Life's a ***** and then you die. Work to pay for your ungrateful family so they can throw you to the wolves. These are the wise life lessons I have absorbed at the feet of my loved ones. My dad once essentially laughed in my face for trying to get through school. Not a respectable enough degree, won't make enough money, yadda yadda. I have been around people who worship at the shrine of the mighty dollar my entire life.
Now, here I am, a vibrant young woman on the precipice of life... And all I want to do is get off as quickly as possible. I have very few friends, and less close ones. My best friend lives 18 hours away from me. My parents and I don't really speak. I'm a contractor at my job, meaning I could be fired as soon as they decide they dont need me anymore. I used to use Facebook to keep in touch, but it depressed me more to see all the people I used to be friends with living their lives and ignoring me. I deleted it.
I live in a dead end town with quite literally no other opportunities than the oilfield. I am artistic and musically inclined; yet my drawings go nowhere and trying to learn an instrument is beyond me, as we don't even really have teachers in town. Online has not worked for me. I have tried many hobbies but am too depressed and lonely and scatterbrained to really learn them enough to enjoy.
Am I really doomed to live a life of mediocrity? To never know the sweet joy of romance, of real deep friends, of finding my niche in life? I told myself that this was a phase, that it would pass, but I'm beginning to have my doubts. Phases don't usually last a lifetime.
I don't know where to go or what to do. I have student loans to pay. I'm honestly at that point where I feel like I could die somewhere, and it would take days for anyone to miss me.
Well internet, thanks for listening. Guess I'll shut my grey yap and go embrace a life of utter meaninglessness.