What is wrong with me? help

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lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/12/2011 12:54 AM (GMT -6)   
I just feel sick. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. I am so jealous of those who have a stable home life; a mother and a father. A mother and father who wanted you, and planned on having you.

Although I love my adopted mother to death, I just can't shake the emotions I have. I can't help but feel lost and little, useless and like nobody wants me. I just feel like I was a mistake and nothing makes sense to me.

I feel like my childhood was a dream and it wasn't even me.

I am in college and I drink. I messed up the most important, strongest relationship I had because when my ex and I were broken up, I had a one night stand. And then we were talking about getting back together and I got with another guy. AND NOW- last night I had another one night stand and I TOLD HIM not to tell anyone. I lied to my roommates in college and told them nothing happened.

I feel disgusting. I go to a small school and soon everyone will know. I hate myself.

I hate my life and I hate that I now will never know what could have been with my ex boyfriend because he broke up with me two days ago but he just said he needed time to himself and of course I go and do what I did last night. I have to tell him it is over. I am not going to tell him what happened last night. I feel sick.

I just wish I had a different life. I wish I could wake up somebody different.

Sorry this post is really jumbled and about random things but I just needed to let it all out.

I just need someone to talk to I guess and to vent.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/12/2011 1:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear lovers spit.....I am so sorry that are having regrets, but maybe you should give up alcohol. When you drink you do not think the same way as sober. I doubt you would have had a 1 night stand if you were sober. unfourtuately, now you have to pay the price for poor judgement. Try to move past it and try and make a fresh start without the alcohol. I think you will find that you will make wiser choices.



Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/12/2011 2:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Amy,

Thank you for your post.

Obviously not drinking would be the best option. It will probably be very difficult but I think in the long run, I will feel much better about myself.

Right now I need to focus on dealing with regret and then I need to figure out a way to end ties with my ex as he is still talking to me. I just think he deserves so much better. I want him to be with someone who he can trust and will not do horrible things like myself. I just feel disgusting.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/12/2011 8:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Stop drinking. It makes you depressed. That is probably why you are so depressed right now. When you go out, don't drink alcohol.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 12/12/2011 8:37 AM (GMT -6)   
I didn't think your post was jumbled, I think you're just experiencing a lot of things right now. What year are you in at school? I remember thinking a lot about my childhood during my freshman year, when I first suspected I was depressed. If it's the first time you've spent months away from your parents, I think it's totally normal to reflect on what you're leaving behind.

What are you studying in school? Maybe focusing more on work would be a good distraction from the drama. I agree with the above posts that drinking less would help, too. This is easier said than done, I know. Take small steps and let yourself off the hook a little. Yes, you've done some things you're not proud of. You can't take them back, so I suggest you just move forward and take everything a day at a time. Or an hour at a time. I'm sorry you're hurting. Could you talk to your parents about your feelings about your adoption? Or a counselor? They might have some ideas for how to deal with the feelings you're experiencing. Just a thought.

Be nice to yourself.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/12/2011 11:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

I think you're right. I should stop drinking. It's just that I enjoy it and it is hard to stop in college as that is what a lot of people do.


BlueMoon878,

I am actually going to be in my second semester of sophomore year in college. However, I had my first major depressive episode when I was a senior in high school. Like I said, I pushed my mother away and my sister (who I lived with) was verbally and emotionally abusive. She would say the meanest things to me. But I love her so much because when I was younger, she was like a second mother to me. She used to be the number 1 person in my life and I could turn to her for anything. Now, I hardly speak to her. She is not a nice person. It is hard though because I am staying at home (her house, with her husband and 2 daughters) over christmas break. This is where I call home.

I am studying psychology in school. I am planning on becoming an art therapist. I want to help others and do art as well. I think focusing on this would be beneficial as well. Hopefully my psychology class next semester won't be too hard though. I am taking biopsychology.

I definitely think that I need to move forward and take things day by day. It is just so frustrating though because the guy that I had the one night stand with the other night, told one of my roommates. I specifically told him not to tell anyone and he did. He said he thought it would be ok if he told her because I told my other roommate. My roommate that he told came into our apartment last night while the roommate that I told and I were sitting on the couch watching t.v. The roommate that he told called me a ***** and laughed and went to her room. This made me furious, 1. She had like 10 1 night stands last year and 2. She has no right to know. It isn't any of her business.

Well, I feel like I am rambling on again.

One last thing. Today I told my ex boyfriend who is still talking to me, that I want to break it off. I cannot tell him what I did the other night as it would break his heart. I told him it would be best if we didn't keep trying at our relationship because I think he deserves better and I can't imagine how he feels. He replied and asked me if something else had happened. I denied it. I feel terrible but he cannot know. It would kill him. He is being very difficult though and asking me what happened and why I all of a sudden am the one to be breaking up with him.

I just want to better myself as a person and stop drinking. I want time alone.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/12/2011 12:37 PM (GMT -6)   
You may have to make a lot of lifestyle changes to achieve this. I would go to counseling and talk about how you can obtain what your goal is. It isn't easy to stop drinking when others around you drink. You may have to change your surroundings. But think of your health first and foremost. What is best for you. Not necessarily what you want, but what is best. You have to be objective about this. I hope that you can find the path that you want to follow. Keep trying. See a counselor.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/12/2011 3:30 PM (GMT -6)   
A) you need to quit drinking. Being in college doesn't mean you have a free ticket to party. Of course it makes you feel better, it makes you "numb" and forget how bad everything hurts for awhile. Not only will you feel worse the next day, but eventually, you'll get to a point where the alcohol doesn't even help you anymore. You're not at school to drink, you're there to learn.

B) If you're in college, I am sure your university has a counseling program. Make an appointment. You are not expected to shake off the feelings you have from childhood. Events in our lives, even at young ages, influence the way we work in the world and the person we become. You have identified many factors from your past that seem to bother you. Sometimes, you need to know that it's ok these things bother you. As much as we want to be super heroes, we all have our breaking point and maybe these things have just gotten to a point where they have overwhelmed you. There are professionals to help you work through those feelings and thoughts until we are capable of doing it on our own.

C) Sex involves two people. No, it isn't right that this guy is running around telling people what you two did, but can you expect something different? If it was nothing but a one night stand and you were already shameful of your actions before he left, how can you expect him to respect your wishes not to tell anyone? It may be best that you refrain from these interactions as it seems to only hurt you more in the aftermath. YOU are in control of your behavior. If you know the guilt eats at you in the days to come, give yourself a break and stop setting yourself up to feel even worse. Using sex, drugs or alcohol as a means to cover/mask your emotions isn't healthy and it won't work forever.

D) Leave your ex alone, he is your ex. I say this with the wishes that my recent ex had quit the BS and done so with me, instead of giving me hope for 3 months. She also claimed to be having a hard time and didn't want to bring me down, but her depression and confusion threw me for a whirlwind of my own. Cut it off. Maybe one day you'll want to explain and maybe one day he'll want to listen... ya never know. Either way, regardless of how he feels, you're only making yourself feel worse by keeping him in the picture.

E) make an appt with the university nurse or doctor. let them know how you are feeling: negative thoughts, no feeling of self worth. They may be able to help you with medicine, support groups, or religious leaders in the community to help you figure things out. Maybe you would like to open up to a teacher instead? Know when to ask for help.

I say this to you from experience. Im 22, just graduated with a double major in May. I was depressed in college around the same time you are right now. You WILL sort it out and things WILL start looking up. How quickly all of that happens depends on how much you begin to help yourself. The fist couple steps are scary as all get out... but you'll make it through. I have been having a tough time lately, so I am able to once again identify with all the negativity, fears and anxiety. Just making the smallest steps will start allowing you to feel a little better everyday until things are "normal" again. Instead of going out to have a drink, sit down and journal for awhile. Send an e-mail. Call home. Little baby steps. I have no idea how I'll feel in an hour, much less tomorrow, but I know I'm going to keep trying to do and feel better.

If you want to be better, you CAN be better. We believe in you.

Courtney

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/12/2011 4:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Courtney,

Thank you so much for posting. It made me feel a lot better.

I agree that I need to quit drinking. I don't do it that often but when I do it isn't good. I end up blacking out or doing things I regret emensely the morning after. It will be very hard because all of my closest friends drink and we go out together. It just happened that I went out with a guy friend the other night and this was a horrible idea. I think focusing on my studies and maybe working out or something next semester would be a good idea.

My college does have a counseling program. However, I have a therapist back home so I want to plan to see her as soon as possible. I should probably make an appointment for while I am over break. I just want to make sure I will be able to get there because I am getting surgery on my foot.

I agree that my childhood influences the way we work and the person we become. Sometimes this scares me because although my childhood wasn't terrible, it wasn't the best. My biological mother and father met in alcohols anonymous. My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was in her 20's. After about 4 months of caring for me, my father decided he and my mother should put me up for adoption. They did. However, there were a couple of families who tried adopting me and my biological mother refused to let me go. Then, when I was 6, she finally made up her mind and let the family that I had been in foster care with, adopt me.

So it was a closed adoption when I was 6 years old. However, my adoptive family had gone through so much when I was in foster care with them. When I was 2, my 25 year old adoptive brother (foster brother at the time, I guess) overdosed on pain medication. He had been stabbed and was taking medication for a year. They said it was accidental but who knows. Then, a year later, my other foster brother (20 years old) committed suicide (sorry if I am not supposed to say this on here). Finally, another year later, my oldest adopted sister whom my family has no contact with, had a baby. Her baby died of SIDS 5 days after it was born.

My mother always told me that if it wasn't for me she doesn't know how she would have gotten through these losses. I am glad that I was her hope shining through but it also startled me when she told me this. I just felt like I need to live up to something great or something. I don't know.

Sometimes my thoughts about my adoptive family and what they have gone through just overwhelms me and I can't even comprehend it. I just think of how small I was and how I didn't even know what was going on but I just remember seeing everyone crying so much. There was so much sadness.

Anyways, yes, I completely agree that using sex, drugs and/or alcohol as a means to cover my emotions isn't healthy. I need to stop drinking and then I can be in control of myself and be able to think straight.

The thing about my ex is, we have had our ups and downs. He broke up with me only a couple days ago and I already did something horrible. Today I told him I don't want to talk to him anymore (I refuse to tell him what happened the other night with this other guy because it would kill him and I cannot even imagine what would happen). He is frustrated. He wants to come over tonight and I really don't think it is such a good idea. I am freaking out right now. I cannot have him over here. What if we ran into the other guy? That guy is an idiot and he would probably like say something to my ex. I hate this so much. I love my ex but I think my ex is right- I don't know how to treat the people I love. I don't know what love is.

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/12/2011 5:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Working out will definitely keep you busy. Since the semester is ending, why don't you try to find some reading just for enjoyment? I started on the True Blood series because they are still ongoing and when I am finished, I can watch the series.

You have suffered many losses throughout your life. I have much sympathy for you and girl, I don't know how you handle it! When your mother tells you that she wouldn't have made it through without you, I don't think she is expecting anything. I say this because I know that many times in my life, I don't think I would have been as successful without key people in my life at the time. It wasn't what they did or how they changed, it was literally them just being themselves. Your mother is thankful just for your being! I think of certain friends and my sister the same way... I bet it's confusing to them too because I will randomly thank them just for being themselves. But that's really all it is, I love them and are thankful for who they are, just like your mama loves you and is thankful for who you are!

I didn't have a horrible childhood either but you know why I think that?? Because I am COMPARING. Don't compare. In ways, whether others consider them bad or not, you were neglected feelings you needed from those around you. It is personal and you should know that no one should judge you for those things. Do not demean your feelings. They are YOUR feelings and that makes them worth something.

about your ex... I loved the girl I dated for two years with my whole heart. You said something that stood out to me- that it is possible you don't know what love is. It does not mean you don't love him, it just means you love him the only way you know how. I believe this was true with my ex. She was not given the love a child needs from family and from that, she was unable to form lasting friendships or relationships. She truly couldn't love me the way I could love her. It's very sad a) that I didn't get that love back but even more so, b) that she can't love!!!! It's not to say she's a liar, but she truly doesn't know pure, accepting, unconditional love. It was silly of me to expect her to give such love when I was the first person in her life she had ever received it from. It was in her nature to leave me and to go back to what she knows--- shallow, conditional, very judgmental love. She's at the age (and point in her depression) where she has learned that she doesn't know how to love, but unlike you, she does not want to fix that. She states it got too hard and hurt too badly.

It will hurt. Working through the past and memories that have been shoved down because they hurt us will be painful. I want to see you get better :) Tell the ex you need time for you-- and mean it. She told me she needed time to figure things out and as bad as it sucked, I wanted her to take that time. Like I said, she quit. DON'T QUIT. Take the time you need and get yourself straight. It's not for him, it's not for your mom, friends, or roommates. It's so that YOU can put these things behind you in the past where they belong. The deal is, you have to fully work through them before they'll stay in the past.

You can post or email me anytime you like. I know you can find new activities besides the bar. You'll be ok!

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/13/2011 1:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Courtney,

Thanks again for posting.

Actually I have 1 more final exam tomorrow and one paper to write and then I am done! So I am just focusing on studying and such right now.

Yes, I have suffered many losses throughout my life. I think I handle it because first of all, I was so young. I do not remember any of it really. I do not have any memories of being with my biological family which is very strange. I mean I have very very vague memories. Simply walking down an ally with my biological grandmother and mother. I guess I should mention that I was in foster care for 6 years and my biological family had many visitations. However, it is all a blur to me. And as far as my brothers go, I do not remember this either because I was only 2 and then 3.

Sometimes it is very hard for me not to compare. I see peers of mine with their parents and I just think to myself.. why are they so lucky? Why was I chosen to be put into such a dysfunctional family? I just don't understand. It isn't fair. I am not saying I didn't have people who loved me but I just feel like I was born to people who didn't want me and then my adoptive mother could hardly take care of me because she became ill and then my adoptive sister was so emotionally and verbally abusive when I was a teen. I just feel like all my relationships are nothingness. I let people use me.

After learning about borderline personality disorder in abnormal psychology, I really feel that I may have some of these traits. However, I have only self harmed once in my life and it was hardly anything. In my psychology book it says bpd individuals often attempt suicide and self harm. I feel that I have the deep feelings of emptiness, the inability to say no (when i'm drunk at least), I rarely ask for help from others.. ect. I don't want to self diagnose but I just feel like some of the symptoms really hit home.

about my ex, I said it is possible I don't know what love is only because this is what my ex told me. And I am beginning to think he is right. I cannot even believe what I have done and if I told him about my most recent one night stand, I cannot even imagine what he would do. It is hard because I told my ex after 9 months that I loved him. I just felt so close to him and I felt that I could share anything in the world with him. However, he did not say it back. This crushed me. I felt rejected. We talked about it and he just said he wasn't ready to say it and he felt that it is something 18 year olds cannot know. I thought this was ridiculous because I was certain I loved him.

Then, a month after our 1 year anniversary, he broke up with me. I was furious, lost, and sad. I felt severely abandoned and rejected once again. I think I really have problems with feeling abandoned and rejected by males. My biological dad gave me up, my adoptive father has brain damage from an accident he had when he had and I can hardly hold a conversation with him because he is all about himself. He also calls me by my sister's name literally every time I talk to him. I just really don't care to talk to him. I haven't seen him in months and he hasn't called or anything but I guess neither have I. I just really don't see the point. I know it sounds harsh but if you met the guy, you would understand.

I really do want to fix myself. I told my ex boyfriend this today. He is furious. He asked me 3 times if something happened (aka if I hooked up with some other guy) and I told him no because it would kill him if he found out. I literally would be afraid that he would hurt himself if I told him. So, this is why I told him we need to stop talking and playing these mind games. I told him I am not a good person and I need to work on myself and get better. At first he seemed understand but then like I said, he got mad. Towards the end of our conversation he told me he hated me and he called me a very vulgar mean name which I feel very badly about. He also told me I don't deserve to be happy. I feel like he has every right to say what he said but it hurts so much when someone you love tells you they hate you and they call you something so cruel, even if it was out of anger and they didn't mean it.

I am sorry about your ex girlfriend. I am sure she too loved you the only way she knew how. If a child is not given love and affection from early on, it can definitely affect the person they become and how they form relationships. Do you think things will ever turn around? Maybe in the future? At least I hope this for myself and my ex. Although, I am worried that one day, I will tell him what I did (the last 1 night stand) and he will be furious. But I cannot tell him now. It would not be right. I know honesty is the best way to go but I feel that in this situation, me being honest would do no good.

I bet it will hurt, yes. I will not quit. I need to go schedule an appointment with my therapist and talk with her about my feelings about my childhood. And I need to talk to her about my drinking habits and how I could fix this or what I could do differently. I totally agree that it is about putting these things behind me in the past where they belong. As hard as it is, I want to work through them so that they stay in the past. I want to be a better person and be able to look forward to my future.

Right now, my main hardship though, is the loss of my ex. I just feel like I lost a huge part of my life. I texted him just now and asked if he was really never going to talk to me again and he did not respond. I guess I shouldn't expect anything else. I just can't stop thinking about what I have ruined. I really hope that one day, even if it is a year or 2 from now, he can take me back because I will hopefully not be drinking, and I will be a better person. The only thing is that if we do get back together and I tell him what happened the other night (the 1 night stand), I am worried he will be furious and hurt that I lied. But I guess I shouldn't worry about that right now.

I just feel very empty and alone right now. I miss just texting my ex a lot.

Thanks to whoever reads this even. And thank you Courtney.

lovers

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/13/2011 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, you gave me a lot to think about! Last week when I was in my group session, my therapist asked me about my childhood and what type of memories that I had. On the spot, I could not think of many memories and a week later, I still haven't. Actually, now, I just don't want to come up with any memories. This is BIG. It shows that I (and maybe you?) have shoved those memories from the past in a nice little hole that they can't escape from. I'd say I've done it because I know they will hurt... even if they are good memories, they will remind me of the feelings I wasn't getting that I needed. This may play a part in why you can't remember much from your younger years. Our psyche is always at play!

Like I said before, I'd visit with a doctor and therapist. It is good that you are going to see your therapist that you are already comfortable with. Do you live far from home? You may want to ask your therapist if he/she has someone they would recommend in the area for you to continue sessions with. Although your session over the break will most likely help immensely, it takes time to work these things out, especially if you are diagnosed with any illnesses that will require medications. I only took one psychology class in college, but the #1 rules was : Dont self diagnose! So you stop that and see a doctor for those things :) Otherwise, you'll diagnose yourself with every disorder in that book.

I know how you feel about others' families. I used to be very very jealous. In fact, in one of my relationships, I was so happy to be considered a part of his family, I think I was more scared of losing them than I was him. We have been broken up for nearly three years and I still keep in touch with his family. I am also close with many of my friend's mothers. But they don't replace my mom... they can't. She's still my mom. It is silly, but my grandmother says my mom needs me as badly as I need her. My mom had a breakdown when her hormones bottomed out a few years ago and I think many of her issues that came out are still bothersome to her. Anyway, I love her and I think like my grandmother said, we both need each other. It really surprised me last week when my mom expressed she didn't like not hearing from me daily. I have horrible cell phone reception, so I am having a landline installed tomorrow to hopefully bridge some of the gap between us.

You mentioned male figures in your life rejecting you and it made me want to share what I have learned recently about that. I never dated a girl before... this past relationship sort of just happened. I knew if it ended, I wasn't attracted to women, so I couldn't figure out exactly how I was in this relationship to begin with. Well, I knew that it was because I cared for "the person". BUT what I have learned is that subconsciously, I have voids from my mother and rejection from my father that has continued to affect me all my life. This girl was great, she was everything I needed AT THE TIME. She was supportive, encouraging, helpful, very endearing... took care of me like a mother would sometimes. I liked the attention, the attention I wasn't given when I was younger. When she got depressed and literally cut off all ties with me suddenly, I was crushed (still don't like how she went about things). Just like you, I was so concerned with her getting over her depression and fixing the wrong she had done to me so that our relationship could work out. Like you have done with your boyfriend, she lost all of my trust. I just KNEW that she was going to work through the depression, earn my trust back and things would be ok. If only things were that easy.

I would never date her again, much less speak to her. It isn't healthy for me. It is "filling my voids" with materials that aren't long lasting. The only way to fix those voids is by working through it and allowing God to heal me (my own personal belief). In her depression, she said some really crazy things to me... that she wasn't good enough, that I deserved the world, that she couldn't keep hurting me. I don't doubt that she meant any of them, but her actions didn't back up what she said. She could be suffering mental disorders for all I know, but when you love someone purely and unconditionally, you just don't treat them the way she has behaved. I think you are more in love with the idea of your boyfriend right now than the actual person he may be. This happens to me a lot... I have had many exes come back to me, claiming to be in love with me after they have treated me like gum on the bottom of their shoe. They love that I'm determined, intelligent, strong willed, persistent, loving and caring... but they don't love all the other things that comes with that. I am OCD, have anxiety, overly outspoken sometimes--- they just love the IDEA of the great person I am, where it would get them or how it would make them feel. The minute my negative qualities come out, they would run. It's just their nature... want the cake and eat it too. You love the way your boyfriend makes you feel and you are upset you have hurt him. But I think you're more upset you hurt him because he may leave you, not because you really hurt him. Right now, like you said, you need to think about yourself.

Once you are out of your fog of excruciating pain, you'll see things a little more clearly. I am still very very hurt, but I'm able to look at the old relationship and see that she just wasn't right for me. Not only that, but I want a husband and children. She isn't as driven or determined as I am, and quite honestly, she doesn't give a hoot about anyone but herself. She may THINK she cares for others, but she ignores family and friends and does nothing to contribute back to society. She has claims of wanting to know God better, yet does nothing about. She says a lot of nice things that sound really great, but never gets off her rump and does them... girl, that is so not me! I want to eventually work or financially support a non profit business-- do you really think someone who can only think of themselves will be able to support me in that?? NOO MMMAAMMM

And then again, things may work out between you two. You really can't bother with it right now. My ex could come back and be a totally different person (HIGHLY doubt it) and things could work out (again, HIGHLY doubt it). I couldn't care two bits right now because I need to focus on me. She said she needed to focus on her too... and is dating someone 4 years younger than her. Girl please, I know that child is not 1/4 of the person I am or who I will continue to grow to be.

It does get better. You will see I have really low days and question lots of things, but I am getting better. And like you, I'm not going to quit either.

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/13/2011 5:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for posting again.

I too think that I have hidden all my thoughts from my childhood into a hole. They are just too overwhelming to think about. I know this may sound ridiculous, but I sometimes find myself feeling as if my childhood was a completely different life. Almost like, it wasn't me. But I was there or something. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like so many things in my past are so odd and hard to comprehend that I don't even want to begin to unravel them all.

Yeah, I really do need to schedule an appointment to see my therapist and psychiatrist. It has been very long since I have seen them. I think I mentioned that I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Although, sometimes this makes me wonder... if you are diagnosed with major depressive disorder, does it mean you will always have it? Or does it just mean you could/may have other episodes later on in life if you do not manage your depression? Because as far as depressive symptoms go, I do not have any right now. I just feel kind of blah. I do take medication already. I take 75 mg of zoloft and 25 mg of lamictal. I feel like these medications work well actually. But sometimes I find myself feeling blah/flat. It isn't a horrible feeling but I don't know. Not the greatest I guess.

So I know I have/had depression but I just feel that I may have some type of personality disorder but yes, I must talk with my therapist and/or psychiatrist before I jump to these conclusions!

I feel like it was sometimes hard for me to see my relationship with my ex boyfriend go very far. Neither of us are very close to our families. I am closer to my family than he his to his. We never would go to each other's family gatherings or anything like that. This past thanksgiving, I invited him because my sister said I could and he told me he would feel awkward attending so he didn't. As for me meeting his family, I literally only met them and then saw them once or twice after that. I always thought this was odd as we had dated for so long but I didn't mind it that much.

I too believe that I need to allow God into my life. I used to be more a LITTLE religious and such but I kind of dropped it when I got to college. I know that (for me at least) it is hard to put your trust into God, but I kind of did this when I was going through my bit of depression 2 years ago. I just prayed and I remember one day I literally woke up feeling like my prayers were answered. I just felt so much better and everything was resolved in my life. I had my mother back. So that was a nice feeling. But now I just feel like things have gone down hill again. (sigh)

Sometimes I too feel that I may have loved the idea of my ex boyfriend. However, I felt a bond so strong to him that I just cannot imagine ever feeling again. Even if I meet someone else someday, it will not be the same. My ex and I shared so many wonderful times together and I will never forget the memories we had. I will cherish them forever. He taught me so much. And this is part of the reason that I love him.

I am sorry that your ex girlfriend was selfish and didn't seem to care about others. I think you seem like a very kind, loving person and you deserve someone who will be just as kind and loving to you. I only wish that I too, was more caring, kind and loving towards my ex boyfriend. The funny thing is, is that I always got mad at my ex boyfriend because he never once said, "I love you". This hurt me very badly. However he always said.. actions speak louder than words. Now that I think about it, he is totally right. My actions do not express my love for him. So I can understand why he feels that my words (when I tell him I love him and such) mean nothing.

I hope that one day you find someone to support you and your dreams. I think you deserve it :)

And yes, I agree. It does get better. After getting through the bout of major depression, I know that I can do anything. If I can get through the pain and suffering of that depressive episode, I know that I can get through anything else that life throws at me!!

Post Edited (lovers spit) : 12/13/2011 3:54:35 PM (GMT-7)


greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/14/2011 10:39 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't think it's ridiculous that it feels your childhood was a different life. Sometimes, I feel detached like that too. I am working with EMDR therapy. Last night, I was asked to bring up good memories from my childhood... they ended up making me sad! My therapist explained that this was normal, that we will work through focusing on the positive and then work through why they may upset me. To me, I was hearing "you're going to be in therapy a long time" lol.

I understand not seeing your relationship go far. I saw mine being lasting, but with many challenges, challenges I think I was forcing on myself. I only met exes family once too; however, we spent a lot of time with mine. A lot of people only thought we were "best friends". Well, we were best friends, but we were more than that. I also understand the bond... but as I have gotten deeper into my faith recently and started working through more issues, like I said, it was a void. I felt the same way... like I would never connect with someone that way and our "bond" was just irreplaceable. On my end, I can say that the bond like the one with her will never exist with someone else because I will be a different person, a healthier, less broken person. I will have healthier relationships. So, as scary as it is to think I won't miss that bond, I have seen more of the reality of the emotions. Once you learn where they came from, things make a lot more sense.

My ex used to also get mad that I never said "I love you" very much. She said it ALL THE TIME. I didn't need to hear it all the time, I just needed her to show it. When she stopped showing it, it didn't really matter what she said because she wasn't following up. She's lazy. And selfish. Anyway, your actions will always speak louder than words. She can say whatever nice things she will about me, but ignoring me, returning my things in the rain and starting a new relationship after leading me on for three months... nope, sorry sister, you don't care. Easy as pie.

As far as God goes... I think it's hard to put trust into anything, especially when it is abstract; however, it pays off (at least for me). I believe that happiness, like our health and hygiene, is a task that must be maintained. I don't think it's just handed to us. I also don't think there's just one way to be happy; it comes from juggling many things in all the right proportions. If prayer brought you comfort before, it may be an outlet you would like to look into again. Sometimes, I find it hard to attend services on my own. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the anxiety, but after it's done I do feel better. When we want something badly enough, we work towards it. Sometimes, the hardest step is not working actually working towards it, but telling ourselves we DESERVE the success and we are WORTHY. That first boost to get us started is always the hardest. But once you start working, you're already too far in to quit!

A lot of people never challenge themselves to face the pain of the past. They will go through life, destructive of their own lives and the lives around them. They cannot seem to love themselves enough to face the issues and rise above; I don't think they comprehend the true happiness that will come. Anyway, you're doing a great job already, just knowing that things aren't right :)

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/14/2011 8:10 PM (GMT -6)   
So I made the first step today. I made an appointment with my therapist and my psychiatrist. However, the appointments are not until January. I was hoping it to be sooner but oh well.

I really want to write down everything that has been eating at me. It is just very hard to even express how I am feeling. What scares me the most is that nobody can really understand. Nobody has been in my exact situation so they don't know what it feels like. But like my sister would tell me.. someone will always have it better than you and someone will always have it worse. I think this is true. I just sometimes feel that I have it the worst of the worst so it is hard to think there is anyone out there feeling this confused and stuck.

Right now I just really need advice about my ex. I seriously feel so lonely. Just the thought of not being with him makes me cry so much. I wish I could tell him what I did but I can't.

I am such a horrible person.

Any suggestions on how to stop thinking about this one night stand? It makes me sick to my stomach. And the fact that I am lying to my ex about it makes me feel horrible as well.

If I continue to keep this from him and just treat him like a friend, it will be a very strange relationship. I feel like we will not be able to just be friends. But I told him I needed space to change and become a better person for myself. I literally feel so torn. I don't know what to do.

If I told him what happened (which I refuse to do), his self esteem will be shattered. As if it isn't already because of the other one night stand(s). I just don't understand how I could let this happen so many times.

What should I do? Besides stop drinking and going out.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/14/2011 9:15 PM (GMT -6)   
I think if you stop drinking and stopped going out that would be a huge change for you and it would put the wheels in motion for healing. I am glad that you got an appointment for the 1st. It will come sooner than you think. If I were you, I would try to relax about this whole situation and just start doing what feels right to you. I think you are making it worse than it is in your own mind. There is nothing that you can do to change what happened, but you can change the future and not let it happen again. And I want to add that I hope that you are using protection. You don't want to contract anything.

I think once you start counseling, you will feel a lot better about yourself. You aren't a bad person. You have made some mistakes. Learn from them.

A psychiatrist and psychologist is trained to understand how we are thinking. They can get us thinking in better ways. I have had much success with mine and I think you will too. Try to be optimistic about things. You are going to feel better. I think you are already starting with the advice that you have gotten here. And writing things down really helps. Just make sure you keep things where others can't read them.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep your chin up. You are a good person. Remember that.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/14/2011 10:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen.

I agree that if I quit drinking and going out, I will be on the right track. And yes, I really am making it worse than it is. I mean I just feel badly about myself but I suppose people have done worse...

I really do want to learn from my mistakes. I just feel dumb because I told myself I would learn from my mistake 5 months ago. Now I have another mistake.

I just can't wait until I am a completely changed person. I want to respect myself and obviously in order to do that, I need to quit drinking and going out and do better things with my time then blacking out and doing things I hate myself for the next day.

It just stinks that I have to lose someone I really care about in the process.

But it is my own fault.

Looking forward to talking to my psychiatrist/therapist.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/14/2011 10:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Your relationship may not be ruined. Once you get into counseling and work through this, you may not have the guilt of what you did anymore. I had an affair once, and the doctor told me, nomatter what I do, don't feel guilty about it. But my marriage was a different situation than you and your boyfriend. And I wasn't being treated very well by my husband. I was faithful for 17 of the 23 years we were together. I lost him to lung cancer in 2000. But in my mind I deserved to have the afair. For all the things that he did to me.

I think once you are able to see this for what it is, a mistake, you will put less dynamics on it and it will be easier for you to not tell him about it. The more that you worry, the more apt it is to come out. You will have it on your mind way too much. Once you get it off your mind, you will be able to go back to the way things were before.

Just do learn from this. If you are blacking out and having sex, I am doubting that you are using protection from std's and other things. So the drinking should stop. Find some constructive things to do instead. They can be fun... Something to occupy that part of the day. So you wont be tempted to go out. That will keep you from an atmosphere that might cause you to want to drink.

I hope that this works out for you. You are a sweet person. Keep going to counseling. Stop drinking. Find projects to keep you busy.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/14/2011 11:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I hope so. It's just that after the first 2 incidents, we got back together (we were broken up when the first 2 happened). He was so upset that I had gotten with other guys. But I was so upset that he broke up with me in the first place.

So, we got back together this past august. However, he basically made it clear that he felt he should be able to go out and get with a girl if it should happen. I just went along with it but then after 2 months went by I said.. wait a minute.. no. I don't agree with this. So then it was like we were just back together and he wasn't allowed to do anything with anyone else. open relationships are not cool in my book. BUT THEN... I find out he hasn't even told his friends we are back together!! He explained to me that he hasn't told them because he is embarrassed. His friends found out somehow that I got with other guys.

Then about a week or so ago, we were arguing and he broke up with me after an argument. I called him crying asking.. is it really over? He said yes. The next couple days, we were talking again like usually. However, he never said anything about us being ok.

I was just fed up with everything and went out with a friend of a friend (a male friend of a female friend) to a party.

That's when the 2nd one night stand happened.

So then, I was like.. great. I'm an idiot. Now I will have no chance of ever getting back with my boyfriend because of this. He couldn't even trust me enough in the first place.

So, I told him I don't want to get back together right now and that I just want to be friends right now. I didn't tell him what happened, I didn't say we would never get back together... I just told him I needed space to change and learn to respect myself and such. Do you think this is a good plan? I know I am probably over-thinking it but I just want to know from someone else's perspective...

And yes. I know. I will learn from this. The drinking will stop. And maybe on weekend nights, when I used to go out, I will go WORKout! Exercise!

Or read a good book. I always love a good book.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/14/2011 11:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I think that this is a good plan. You can work on yourself and get yourself straight before you get back into a relationship. I think you are being very smart about this. You need to work on you. And another reason it is good to quit drinking is because alcohol is a depressant. It makes you depressed. And you are struggling with that already. I am happy for your choices. Do work on you...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/15/2011 9:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Lovers,

If you find a way to quit obsessing about a situation, you let me know. Someone who could figure that out is bound to make a lot of money!

In my own opinion, it seems like the relationship was not exactly everything it should have been anyway. Give it time. If he didn't want to tell his friends because he is embarrassed at what happened between you, it is likely he needs some time too to work through that. No one can tell you what is right or wrong in the situation, it is what is best for you. I do think though that taking time for yourself is the best thing that you can do.

You are most likely re-thinking things because it is uncomfortable to be away from someone we are so comfortable with. My ex did drugs behind my back and betrayed my trust... so I broke it off. When she admitted her depression, I was going to just "get over" the betrayal, like it had never happened. When we were first apart, I just wanted so badly for things to be ok. It's a good thing she was a selfish witch and didn't speak to me, it would have made things worse. I wasn't thinking clearly. Being back together would have made me feel better for awhile, but she still betrayed me and I didn't have any reason to trust her anymore. It WOULD NOT have made things ok. It would have just dragged out the drama.

You're just uncomfortable right now with things. Guilt, depression, anxiety, loneliness... all of them will make you want to run back to what is comfortable. Take a minute to think of things that made you comfortable before him. Like you said, reading is awesome. i feel like I get to escape into a fantasy world for awhile. Writing it all out will help too. I was doing that for awhile when I first started my counseling sessions.

On weekends, I try to still get up early so that I will be tired earlier. I have a Saturday job on some weekends, so I do that for awhile. I try to save things to do... like laundry or the dishes. Also, some times I try to watch a movie that I know my mom or sister is watching, that way, it's a little less lonely and I can call them and we have something to talk about. I have a friend who comes into town some weekends to work here so she stays with me and it makes things less lonely. Sundays are tough for me still... too much free time in the day. If I come up with a new activity to add other than church, I'll let ya know.

Also, maybe you can say something to your friends about not drinking. I mean, just let them know it isn't good for you right now and you'd like to still spend time with them, just not in a bar. I confided in one of my friends how tough everything has been on me lately and she offered to have me come over once a week to cook dinner with her. It is so kind and surprising how people will react sometimes (don't worry, there have been some not so good reactions too). Anyway, just try to plan one thing a week at first and then you can plan things for every night. So far this week, tonight will be the first night I have no plans. It's rough, but it's better than last week, or even last month. Most of all, it's better than 3 months ago when all I did was cry nonstop!

It's not easy, but keep trying.
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