Thanks for posting again.
I too think that I have hidden all my thoughts from my childhood into a hole. They are just too overwhelming to think about
. I know this may sound ridiculous, but I sometimes find myself feeling as if my childhood was a completely different life. Almost like, it wasn't me. But I was there or something. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like so many things in my past are so odd and hard to comprehend that I don't even want to begin to unravel them all.
Yeah, I really do need to schedule an appointment to see my therapist and psychiatrist. It has been very long since I have seen them. I think I mentioned that I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Although, sometimes this makes me wonder... if you are diagnosed with major depressive disorder, does it mean you will always have it? Or does it just mean you could/may have other episodes later on in life if you do not manage your depression? Because as far as depressive symptoms go, I do not have any right now. I just feel kind of blah. I do take medication already. I take 75 mg of zoloft and 25 mg of lamictal. I feel like these medications work well actually. But sometimes I find myself feeling blah/flat. It isn't a horrible feeling but I don't know. Not the greatest I guess.
So I know I have/had depression but I just feel that I may have some type of personality disorder but yes, I must talk with my therapist and/or psychiatrist before I jump to these conclusions!
I feel like it was sometimes hard for me to see my relationship with my ex boyfriend go very far. Neither of us are very close to our families. I am closer to my family than he his to his. We never would go to each other's family gatherings or anything like that. This past thanksgiving, I invited him because my sister said I could and he told me he would feel awkward attending so he didn't. As for me meeting his family, I literally only met them and then saw them once or twice after that. I always thought this was odd as we had dated for so long but I didn't mind it that much.
I too believe that I need to allow God into my life. I used to be more a LITTLE religious and such but I kind of dropped it when I got to college. I know that (for me at least) it is hard to put your trust into God, but I kind of did this when I was going through my bit of depression 2 years ago. I just prayed and I remember one day I literally woke up feeling like my prayers were answered. I just felt so much better and everything was resolved in my life. I had my mother back. So that was a nice feeling. But now I just feel like things have gone down hill again. (sigh)
Sometimes I too feel that I may have loved the idea of my ex boyfriend. However, I felt a bond so strong to him that I just cannot imagine ever feeling again. Even if I meet someone else someday, it will not be the same. My ex and I shared so many wonderful times together and I will never forget the memories we had. I will cherish them forever. He taught me so much. And this is part of the reason that I love him.
I am sorry that your ex girlfriend was selfish and didn't seem to care about
others. I think you seem like a very kind, loving person and you deserve someone who will be just as kind and loving to you. I only wish that I too, was more caring, kind and loving towards my ex boyfriend. The funny thing is, is that I always got mad at my ex boyfriend because he never once said, "I love you". This hurt me very badly. However he always said.. actions speak louder than words. Now that I think about
it, he is totally right. My actions do not express my love for him. So I can understand why he feels that my words (when I tell him I love him and such) mean nothing.
I hope that one day you find someone to support you and your dreams. I think you deserve it :)
And yes, I agree. It does get better. After getting through the bout of major depression, I know that I can do anything. If I can get through the pain and suffering of that depressive episode, I know that I can get through anything else that life throws at me!!
Post Edited (lovers spit) : 12/13/2011 3:54:35 PM (GMT-7)