Having A Hard Time Working. Need Someone To Talk To.

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youngidealist
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/12/2011 2:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi. I'm 29 and I've been through a lot of hardships growing up, as well as many hardships as an adult. A year ago today I was married and my wife decided that she was done with the relationship. I didn't do anything to cause it, she just didn't love me anymore and left me and took the car, and refused to pay her portion of the rent. She just went back to living with her parents.

I was still going to a university at the time, so I pushed myself as hard as I could to stay afloat. I worked out regularly and lost 45 lbs, but my grades didn't hold up as well for two quarters in a row. I just needed motivation to make it through and I was still hurting from my relationship problems as well as my seemingly helpless finances.

Now, I've been out of school for a good 6 months, not finished with my degree and owing $5000 before I can get back in, and I'm living with my Mom, Stepdad and two half siblings. I've been seeking out ways that I could make money on my own since and seeking work but I've had no luck. I've even gone digging through trash for recycling just to get something as opposed to nothing.

I've sought therapy, but being penniless has left me without a sufficient resource for it. When I start to fill out job applications it's come to the point where I feel too tired and weak to finish by the time I have to go over my job history details. I'm also having trouble with finishing small tasks or feeling good about the goals I complete.

Today, I was doing yard work for my mom, which she needed done in time for a social event. She started yelling at me to finish it in time two days ago, cause she was getting worked up over having the house ready for the event. She decided when the event started that it was too cold to be outside, so things stayed indoors. I felt really good about the work I did and kept insisting that she take a look, but she kept saying that she was too busy to and insinuated that there was no amount of work that would convince her to offer a positive response.

At one point when she apologized for snapping at me I tried offering her the observation that these preparations and urgencies that she places on such social events and the cleanliness of her house never make her happy. She insisted that she would be happy if only the rest of the family pitched in more on cleaning the house.

Just a moment ago, before I sought out some way to find someone to talk to online about this, I tried to tell her that while my work for her wasn't contingent on what she did for me, it would really help both of us if she could just acknowledge what I have done positively, as well as to the same for everyone else. She avoided acknowledging any of the things I've done, from taking out the trash, to cleaning the bathroom, to doing two days worth of yard work and instead offered the negative response that these things should be done more often.

I tried to insist that she allow the smaller good things to still warrant small positive response but then somehow the subject came back onto me, and she mentioned that a large part of my problems in life is that I need to learn how to be self-reliant. I countered that no one is completely self-reliant and that she's had a good number of times where she's had us living with family while I was growing up. She then made the claim that all of the times we were living with family it was to help them, not to help us. I remember at least one event where the family we lived with wouldn't agree with that statement, aside from the fact that it's a clear delusion of grandeur or something similar.

Despite her claim being wild and untrue, and despite how stubborn her unwillingness she has towards giving positive response for what I have done is, it really hurt to hear her say that. I'm lost on what to think. I could have had more applications filled out and I could have been hounding businesses for a job more than I have, but the reason I haven't is because I'm already spent. I've hit the ground running so many times over, that yeah, for the first time in my life without any medications causing it, I kinda just wish I could die and take the easy way out of this perpetual hole. I don't really believe that I'll ever stop being a failure in life. I'm sick of fighting for privileges to make myself happy, only to find that they can be easily stolen from me or lost no matter how hard I fight to keep them.

I've got enough to be happy for, but I don't see a way out and this is constantly happening to me. Another part of me just wishes I could have someone hold my hand as I go through it for a bit. Let me know what to do and keep a positive attitude with me as I do it. Encourage me to keep focused every step of the way. At least that way if I need to do things that will turn out to be fruitless, I can still have the good feeling of hearing someone else say "good job."

I'd like to know what I should call these issues and what to do about them. Do I have depression? Should I be suggesting to Mom that her behavior is becoming emotionally abusive? Is there anything that I can do to get myself motivated again or to fix my relationship with my mother to be more functional?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 12/12/2011 7:28 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you need to talk to a counselor. You put too much stock in what others think about you. You know you are trying and that is all that matters at this point. Sure we want to here about out accomplishments. But I think your mother feels you should be doing these things without being told. Just to be a responsible person. You don't need her praise all the time. Praise yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

whenloveisntenough
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/12/2011 11:20 AM (GMT -6)   
I know things seem really dark right now, but you can't give up!! Your mom will never change, so you need to. Sounds as if you are spending way to much time worrying about what others think of you. You need to start being proud of yourself. Work on your self-esteem. Get out there and get any job that you can, two jobs if that's what it takes to get you out of your mothers home. You will feel so much better about yourself if you get a place of your own, stand on your own two feet, it's not going to be easy but you can do it!!! Look for a church to attend, I just recently went back to my church, if you find the right one, you will soon realize that the people there want to help you, want you to succeed and want the best of you. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that you are a part of something good, part of a (church) family. Don't let your mom or anyone else define you, now get out there and kick some butt!!

youngidealist
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/17/2011 8:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you both for your supporting replies. I've been meditating more and more on these issues and finding ways to just talk them out with people who care about me, even my Mom.

Just some points to make here,

@getting by, The problem isn't that I don't do things for my Mom without being told. She actually doesn't tell me to do any thing until she's ready to vent about it, but I do things for her all the time without being asked or told, and when she gets like this I fight really hard not to let it effect me negatively but it does. Once as I was asking her what would be enough for her to just be happy, cause I think she deserves to be happy and part of the ideal picture she had in mind was that the house be vacuumed every other day. Even if I could manage to take the time to do that and every other chore she wishes would be done, my allergies wouldn't be able to take it.

@whenloveisntenough, thanks all the same, but I'm an atheist and I'm comfortable not being religious. That's fine if it suits you, but in my experience religion for me has been more of a source of dysfunction, and I've been to many many different churches when I was religious. I appreciate the sentiment, but I could use answers from someone regarding my psychological troubles. I don' have spiritual questions or issues, just emotional ones. As in, I know that my emotions are being irrational, so I need to see them in a more rational light, not a more mysterious one.

That said, I've been having a lot of trouble actually feeling or internally believing that my life is going to get any better, even when it is. So in a sense, I've been looking inward to try and determine who I am and what my chosen purpose and objective in life would be, with my emotions aside. It sounds silly to say this, but I kinds just wish my body was a machine that I could order around and just tell it to do things as if I were playing a video game and controlling myself. It's silly because to a certain degree my body is a machine that I can control at will.

So then I can't help but wonder, what part of me is it that I'm having difficulty with. I mean, one thing I can think of is that in video games, I don't feel pain... except maybe in VR type games, where I'll sweat from jumping and timing and what have you. IDK, it's just weird and I wish I had more of a focus to control myself and how I feel going through life. Does anyone have psych references that might be a good read for this sort of matter?

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/18/2011 5:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the forum...SAND this is a place to be heard, not put down and get some support

Your mother is a very unhappy woman, toxic actually (no offense-I'm blunt)...she has been unhappy with her life for a long time and she wwants everyone around her unhappy too. You could move mountains, become Prez and she would find nothing good to say to you.

You sound very depressed. Every community has "free" mental health clinics, I went to one for years, they never asked me for a dime. I saw a counselor 2x a month and a psychiatrist for medications. They were a godsend. Call you local Department of Human Services and ask them for a number or referral. Do that RIGHT away!!

Second, ass mentioned above get 2 menial jobs, go to a temp agency, go to a day labor place and work...gets you out of the house temporarily and hopefully permanenntly....that environment is making you worse. Continue to help around the house but do not seek praise that will never come.

As far as chosen purpose in life, that is rarely something we control, life oftens directs us, unlss you are one of those driven people who knew what they wanted to be in 3rd grade. Leave someof these deep issues to the side for now, deal with getting out of that house!!!! And getting some counseling.

Iw ish you the best keep posting you are not alone

maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

youngidealist
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/18/2011 5:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks a lot for that Maggie. I'll look up some day labor and temp agency stuff as well as do a search fro free mental clinics in the area. I'll keep posting more as things change. I just wanted to say, thanks for the uplifting and practical advice.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/18/2011 5:30 PM (GMT -6)   
You are so welcome..I wish I could do more...but I'm here to listen and support you anytime

Take care
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 12/18/2011 6:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Can you wear a mask while you vacuum. That is what I do when I am working around a lot of dust and allergans. You can get them cheap at the hardware store or at Walmarts. Just a thought.

I hope that you find a job. And that you can feel useful. Plus get out on your own. If that is what you want. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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