Posted 12/12/2011 1:02 AM (GMT -7)
Hi. I'm 29 and I've been through a lot of hardships growing up, as well as many hardships as an adult. A year ago today I was married and my wife decided that she was done with the relationship. I didn't do anything to cause it, she just didn't love me anymore and left me and took the car, and refused to pay her portion of the rent. She just went back to living with her parents.
I was still going to a university at the time, so I pushed myself as hard as I could to stay afloat. I worked out regularly and lost 45 lbs, but my grades didn't hold up as well for two quarters in a row. I just needed motivation to make it through and I was still hurting from my relationship problems as well as my seemingly helpless finances.
Now, I've been out of school for a good 6 months, not finished with my degree and owing $5000 before I can get back in, and I'm living with my Mom, Stepdad and two half siblings. I've been seeking out ways that I could make money on my own since and seeking work but I've had no luck. I've even gone digging through trash for recycling just to get something as opposed to nothing.
I've sought therapy, but being penniless has left me without a sufficient resource for it. When I start to fill out job applications it's come to the point where I feel too tired and weak to finish by the time I have to go over my job history details. I'm also having trouble with finishing small tasks or feeling good about the goals I complete.
Today, I was doing yard work for my mom, which she needed done in time for a social event. She started yelling at me to finish it in time two days ago, cause she was getting worked up over having the house ready for the event. She decided when the event started that it was too cold to be outside, so things stayed indoors. I felt really good about the work I did and kept insisting that she take a look, but she kept saying that she was too busy to and insinuated that there was no amount of work that would convince her to offer a positive response.
At one point when she apologized for snapping at me I tried offering her the observation that these preparations and urgencies that she places on such social events and the cleanliness of her house never make her happy. She insisted that she would be happy if only the rest of the family pitched in more on cleaning the house.
Just a moment ago, before I sought out some way to find someone to talk to online about this, I tried to tell her that while my work for her wasn't contingent on what she did for me, it would really help both of us if she could just acknowledge what I have done positively, as well as to the same for everyone else. She avoided acknowledging any of the things I've done, from taking out the trash, to cleaning the bathroom, to doing two days worth of yard work and instead offered the negative response that these things should be done more often.
I tried to insist that she allow the smaller good things to still warrant small positive response but then somehow the subject came back onto me, and she mentioned that a large part of my problems in life is that I need to learn how to be self-reliant. I countered that no one is completely self-reliant and that she's had a good number of times where she's had us living with family while I was growing up. She then made the claim that all of the times we were living with family it was to help them, not to help us. I remember at least one event where the family we lived with wouldn't agree with that statement, aside from the fact that it's a clear delusion of grandeur or something similar.
Despite her claim being wild and untrue, and despite how stubborn her unwillingness she has towards giving positive response for what I have done is, it really hurt to hear her say that. I'm lost on what to think. I could have had more applications filled out and I could have been hounding businesses for a job more than I have, but the reason I haven't is because I'm already spent. I've hit the ground running so many times over, that yeah, for the first time in my life without any medications causing it, I kinda just wish I could die and take the easy way out of this perpetual hole. I don't really believe that I'll ever stop being a failure in life. I'm sick of fighting for privileges to make myself happy, only to find that they can be easily stolen from me or lost no matter how hard I fight to keep them.
I've got enough to be happy for, but I don't see a way out and this is constantly happening to me. Another part of me just wishes I could have someone hold my hand as I go through it for a bit. Let me know what to do and keep a positive attitude with me as I do it. Encourage me to keep focused every step of the way. At least that way if I need to do things that will turn out to be fruitless, I can still have the good feeling of hearing someone else say "good job."
I'd like to know what I should call these issues and what to do about them. Do I have depression? Should I be suggesting to Mom that her behavior is becoming emotionally abusive? Is there anything that I can do to get myself motivated again or to fix my relationship with my mother to be more functional?