Posted 12/12/2011 10:14 AM (GMT -7)
Spoke with the dr, they are re-sending my meds. If I don't hear anything by this afternoon, I will call again so as to not be stuck without meds another day. I did stay at home this weekend and was "normal" for awhile. Still very anxious, bothered by tiny things.
Many bad things happen in our world, especially between relationships. I am not one to ignore people, be rude or intentionally ugly either. I am usually so worried about others that I sacrifice my comfort or happiness for theirs. Just like I am on the extreme of being selfless, there are so many in our world who only consider themselves. They cheat on others, lie, steal, betray and take advantage of those around them. I have had a good life, where I have not been exposed to many of these people, but as I grow up, I have started to see the true colors of others and am not "protected" anymore. It's just life.
I sometimes pity these people because I think they must have learned to ignore their conscience for so long that it doesn't exist anymore. That little voice that instills guilt when we wrong others or lets us know right from wrong is easy to ignore, especially if we are not raised in a nurturing environment. It is a challenge in our society to be good people; no one ever said doing the "right" thing was easy. When we can ignore the good influence inside of us, I do not doubt it becomes easy to overcome feeling guilty for our behavior or even thinking we are wrong.
As a future mother (hopefully in a few years!) I have realized it will be very difficult to see my children learn these lessons like I am learning. I have been afraid of being a mother my whole life, because I know there are times when your child has to learn things on their own and as a mother, you can only sit and watch and be supportive. Though my parents haven't been perfect, they set me up with a great faith foundation and are there for me right now, even when (unknown to them) a lot of these things come from my childhood.
What I have learned so far, is that actions even as a newborn affect us later in life. Something as small as being held or feeling loved as a child can carry into so much of our adult lives. It is good that I am aware of these things now, while I can still prepare for my future as a wife and mother. I know I will make mistakes with my children, just like my parents have, but the overall knowledge they have given me my faith and unconditional support shows their love, though I may not have always felt it. We all make mistakes and I am forgiving those mistakes of my childhood. With therapy, I will work through the pain. I will still have bad days and sad days, but it is better to have them now and be miserable for a little while than to have them recur throughout my whole life.
I am thankful for these lessons, as I hope they help me to become a better future wife and mother.