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netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 12/13/2011 2:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey everyone,
 
Sorry i havent been on here for a while. I have been going through some really tough stuff and i have been thinking alot more that talking. I have got to a point where i feel i must come on here, just to get things out, before i go wild.
 
So, as some of you know, the man i was sexually abused by, took his own life and left many people extremely caught up and confused. He left a gap in many peoples lives and he took the easy way out. He was and always be a coward. However, i still feel bad for the end result. I feel responsible as he took his life the day after an email was disclosed to him about the real reason i left mums. I know i cannot make anyone do anything and that it was his choice, but i feel extremely guilty for all the hearts that have been broken and for all the tears that have been shed byu his family and close friends that do not and will never know the full story.
 
My brother and i aren't talking at all because i had a massive mental at his girlfriend for not believing me about the sexual abuse and i said some horrible things to her. My brother then rung me up that night and told me that i was selfish and horrible. I asked him if he would listen to my side of the story and he said he doesnt want to hear it and that im a b****. I cried and tthen said to him, "Ayden, tell me this. Why are you never ever listening to my side. You dont even want to know me anymore and that hurts me so bad. What happened to what we used to have?" He just said, i dont want to talk to you. You are horrible and you arent the person i though you were. You are never ever allowed to see my son again so goodbye. I havent heard from him since.
 
I have just come back from Wellington. Nana is in hospital still. She has been for the last 2 weeks. She had 2 emergency operations, one on her kidneys and one on her bladder. Her kidneys had been blocked and her bladder had cancer on it and she hadnt been toilet for a long time, was forgetting things and was very out of it. They gace her 2 weeks to live before they got a scan of her and found the cancer on her bladder. I am relieved that they found it. It would have been devistating to have her missing at christmas. I couldnt have handeled it. The hospital visits were sad. Seeing her so weak, sick and hurt. Needles poking into her, IV fluids, Injections, blood transfusions... It just made me cry, every night. She is doing alot better now and is able to walk by herself, very slowly.. but thats better than she was so i am glad. She was really happy to tell me and couldnt stop talling me how beautiful i was. It was lovely to touch her, tell her i love her and to see her smile.
 
I am seeing a psycologist for the sexual abuse i have endured during my childhood and i will be referred onto a sexual abuse councillor as well. I havent talked to her alot, but i think that it is helping me. But i dont quite know yet. I still feel like crap. Crying myself to sleep all every night, not eating. Just the normal miserable feeling. And im very angry too.
 
My friend is coming over tonight and she wants to have some "deep and meaningful coversations" with me. I am kind of nervous but i love her heaps and completely trust her so i will try my best to be open to her.
 
There is so much more i have to say, but i think this post is long enough now.. sorry..
 
LOVE jess
 
 

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/13/2011 3:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm glad to know how you are, Jess. The improvement will be gradual, but you will continue to be a very strong young lady as you grow and the counselling appointments are maintained to rid your heart of the pain of it all.

I think you ought to know that when people attack our integrity (our honesty and truth), that's one of the strongest producers of anger and rage that I know of. The people who question that in us, however, are more often ignorant than anything else. You really don't need that in your life; what you need is the people who are mature and open in their minds and can see more of what life has been like for you and will seek your friendship.

You know, as not many do, that there are people in this world who can help you, and there are people who will hurt you. You will have made a big stride forward when you learn to recognize the ones who are helpful and to separate yourself from those who are hurtful--whether it's a brother, a mother, or a "friend". Keep good relationships with those who are faithful.

I have so much respect for your effort and your courage. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are progressing.

Best wishes to you,

It's Genetic

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 12/13/2011 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks IG,

I just miss my brother sooo much! We used to be so string, and now, he doesnt want to know me. That hurst so much and words cannot explain how much!!!!!!!! :(

Jess

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/13/2011 3:07 PM (GMT -6)   
I know, Jess. When he's older and had more experience in life, he will know what you have been through and will see things differently. In the meantime, keep your counselling sessions and realize that your brother owes you a HUGE apology and will someday recognize that or suffer the consequences--it will inevitably bother him; ask you counsellor if that isn't so--that is, if he has a conscience.

Take care and love to you,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 12/13/2011 1:15:45 PM (GMT-7)


netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 12/13/2011 3:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Yoou are right. Thanks IG. Much love to you also xxxx

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 12/13/2011 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Jess, I hope others on the forum who have watched you grow over the last months will come online and respond to you, as well. Often, they have different views from mine, but all of them are meant to help and they may give you some good insight.

Take care.

I.G.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42494
   Posted 12/13/2011 4:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jess,

I am so happy to hear from you. But sorry that things are so slow to heal. It just takes time. And it will get better... I promise. You are making progress even though it doesn't seem like it at this time. And I am sure that the psychologist for abuse will help you a lot. I am looking forward to see what happens. So please keep us informed on how you are doing. Jess, you are very special to me. I am so glad that you posted.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 12/13/2011 5:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

Thanks heaps. I just had a little cry to myself. I cry myself to sleep every night really. I know things will get better eventually because its been beaten into me. People dont stop telling me that, which i huess is a good thing, cuz now i actually believe it. They say time is a healer, but it is also a killer to me. The wait hurts heaps. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Too bad if im getting hurt by a mungrel, i just want my brother back. and i want my nephew!!!!! :(

Love Jess

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/13/2011 5:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Netball-was just thinking of you. Your brother will come around eventually and please know that youa re in the right and he will feel bad when he realizes he abandoned you when you needed him'

Otherwise , things seeem to be getting bette and i could not be happier...you are an incredibly strong girl and will not only survivie but thrive

aLL MY PRAYERS

MAGGIE
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42494
   Posted 12/13/2011 5:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with the others. Your brother will be back. I just hope it doesn't take him long to see that you need him. I know it is hard and it hurts. But just keep remembering that you did absolutely nothing wrong. You are so strong Jess. I am so proud of you. Keep hanging in there. Let us know how your session goes.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 12/13/2011 7:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys (: I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with my psycologist so will write then... love to you all (:

Love Jess

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 12/14/2011 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey, there's how Lil Jess,

Kiddo, you were missed, you are sounding heaps better at the moment, even though you acknowledge things are tough, it sounds like you have good supports in place at the moment. Utilize these when you have them, I really want you to have worked through the things that you have experienced before you mature into an adult, as the kind of help you are getting, is so terribly expensive as an adult. You have been given a life line, use it to your full advantage.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow, you have been in my thoughts, and I am so pleased Nana was able to 'feed' your Soul, and you spent some special moments with her

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42494
   Posted 12/14/2011 9:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Jess,

What Awty said, I agree. You have come a long way. Keep soldiering on my friend. I am really proud of you. It isn't going to be easy, but you can do this. I have total faith in you Jess. You are wonderful...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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