Sorry i havent been on here for a while. I have been going through some really tough stuff and i have been thinking alot more that talking. I have got to a point where i feel i must come on here, just to get things out, before i go wild.
So, as some of you know, the man i was sexually abused by, took his own life and left many people extremely caught up and confused. He left a gap in many peoples lives and he took the easy way out. He was and always be a coward. However, i still feel bad for the end result. I feel responsible as he took his life the day after an email was disclosed to him about the real reason i left mums. I know i cannot make anyone do anything and that it was his choice, but i feel extremely guilty for all the hearts that have been broken and for all the tears that have been shed byu his family and close friends that do not and will never know the full story.
My brother and i aren't talking at all because i had a massive mental at his girlfriend for not believing me about the sexual abuse and i said some horrible things to her. My brother then rung me up that night and told me that i was selfish and horrible. I asked him if he would listen to my side of the story and he said he doesnt want to hear it and that im a b****. I cried and tthen said to him, "Ayden, tell me this. Why are you never ever listening to my side. You dont even want to know me anymore and that hurts me so bad. What happened to what we used to have?" He just said, i dont want to talk to you. You are horrible and you arent the person i though you were. You are never ever allowed to see my son again so goodbye. I havent heard from him since.
I have just come back from Wellington. Nana is in hospital still. She has been for the last 2 weeks. She had 2 emergency operations, one on her kidneys and one on her bladder. Her kidneys had been blocked and her bladder had cancer on it and she hadnt been toilet for a long time, was forgetting things and was very out of it. They gace her 2 weeks to live before they got a scan of her and found the cancer on her bladder. I am relieved that they found it. It would have been devistating to have her missing at christmas. I couldnt have handeled it. The hospital visits were sad. Seeing her so weak, sick and hurt. Needles poking into her, IV fluids, Injections, blood transfusions... It just made me cry, every night. She is doing alot better now and is able to walk by herself, very slowly.. but thats better than she was so i am glad. She was really happy to tell me and couldnt stop talling me how beautiful i was. It was lovely to touch her, tell her i love her and to see her smile.
I am seeing a psycologist for the sexual abuse i have endured during my childhood and i will be referred onto a sexual abuse councillor as well. I havent talked to her alot, but i think that it is helping me. But i dont quite know yet. I still feel like crap. Crying myself to sleep all every night, not eating. Just the normal miserable feeling. And im very angry too.
My friend is coming over tonight and she wants to have some "deep and meaningful coversations" with me. I am kind of nervous but i love her heaps and completely trust her so i will try my best to be open to her.
There is so much more i have to say, but i think this post is long enough now.. sorry..