My Life, by Beagleman

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getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 12/13/2011 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Beagleman,
 
I started you a new thread.  I hope that you don't mind.  The other one went over a hundred posts.  127 I think.  So I hope this one reaches that total too.
 
Please keep posting here.  I am seeing so much progress with you and it is delightful to read about.
 
Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/14/2011 1:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, For all who dont know me I am 49, single, never had a relationship. Also spend about 2 weeks in a mental health facility about 2 months ago for depression. My theme of depression is lonliness, I guess as I got older my confidence diminished, my self worth became nothing, my shame being so ashamed of myself became unforgivable. I got to the stage I could not function and everywhere I go was constant reminders of my failures in life. Firstly what has not changed is I still feel very depressed, very lonely and sad but what has changed is my outlook. I now know I will succeed with a relationship, even though I have not had a single date, because I now know I will keep trying until I succeed. I dont wear my depression as a badge of honour, i dont know a single person wanting to be depressed. I did not seek treatment until about 12 months ago so to change my thoughts, to get self worth is very hard for me but I know in time I will get it, and never take it for granted. I guess I really never knew how bad I thought about myself, I just thought I was no good. Yesterday at work I faced another challenge, although very small I now acknowledge all positives to help me build my self esteem.

Chartreux
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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9661
   Posted 12/14/2011 2:35 PM (GMT -6)   
It's very good that your getting help with medicines and counseling, that's a start.
Give the medicines a little time to work, as some need to build up in your
system before you can see any progress...and it's great that you have the goal of
being positive at work, a positive attitude can attract more people to you, so
thats a first step toward building a relationship with anyone....good job
on that, hope it continues for you...also some churches have single groups,
maybe think about that...You never know the next girl you meet and
say Hello to could be the start of a good relationship....Many well wishes on that
and do keep positive you'll find someone...Keep us posted as we do care....
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 12/14/2011 4:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Beagleman,

I am glad that you found this thread. I was getting scared that you wouldn't. What an incredible post. You summed it all up and ended on a positive note. I am so proud of your accomplishments since you have joined us.

I feel like Chartreux. You never know when you are going to meet that special someone. Even if it just starts as a friendship. Love grows.

I hope that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

tmjpain
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 12/14/2011 4:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Beagleman
Your post sounds so positive. You are making wonderful steps in this journey you have begun. I am you are very proud of yourself for what you have already accomplished. You are going to get there, I am sure of it. Take it one day at a time. You will meet that someone special. It just takes time.
I assume from your name that you are male? do you work, have hobbies? friends or family nearby?
 
Keep on keeping on and you will get there.
 
Suzane

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20140
   Posted 12/14/2011 8:18 PM (GMT -6)   
good, good, jamie :-)
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/15/2011 3:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, thanks everyone for their kinds words and support. At work today someone corrected me and told me i didn't do my job properly, at first I took offence and was a bit upset and then about 10 minutes later I realised they were just trying to help me. From this I now know I can learn and accept constructive criticism and just listen and think first. O'k, tomorrow another singles function, speed dating, I will try and relax and enjoy. I see this as learning and think my sucess will occur somewhere else. Thanks to all, I am glad I can still function and face challenges even though I feel very depressed.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 12/15/2011 8:39 AM (GMT -6)   
So proud of you Beagleman,

I am glad that you were able to handle the constructive critism. That is hard to do. That is a huge accomplishment. I have had situations at jobs where I had the same experience. It was hard for me. Especially when I thought I was doing something the way I was suppose to. I don't handle change well either... I think I get use to things a certain way and when it is changed, I panic. But there will always be change in our lives.

Good luck at the singles event. I hope that you make some friends.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/15/2011 2:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey beagleman, just thought about you so I wanted to check in. Hope your event goes well tonight, maybe you will make some other friends. I know this sounds weird, as you are there to try and date a woman, but do you chat much with the other men that are there? Maybe you could be friends with them? I just wondered how that would all work out... I'm a chatter so if it were me, I'd probably be talking to everyone.

I'm like Karen, I strongly dislike change. I know it is good for growing and necessary in our world, but I like routine and no surprises. Well, controlled surprises. Like, I can be the one doing the surprising, but DO NOT surprise me. I know... weird. Its just the need to be in control... learning to let go of that though. learning verrrryyyy slowly.

Anyway, hope everything goes well for you- Courtney

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/16/2011 6:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, I just arrived home from the speed dating. Well i think i went O'k, I am not confident of getting a date but certainly I felt more confident than other times. I had a few laughs and even told a lame joke. I said to one of the woman i work in the basement and she said, what do you do down there, and i said experiments. In the next few days if I get an email I will know if anyone is interested. I know my self esteem is still low so i guess I still come across to others as depressed. I still think it was a valuable exercise and I am planning another speed date in a couple of weeks. I am really trying to focuss on each positive and making a mental note because in the past I would reject all my positives no matter how much I had succeeded. I have also been giving some thought about going to church, someone at work suggested this and also someone on this site. I thank all that have helped me so far, it has been a very hard year for me and i needed encouragement to allow me to try and forgive myself and get better.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/16/2011 7:12 AM (GMT -6)   
It takes alot of guts to put yourself out there with strangers..I am very impressed and I like your joke about the basement-course I like dark humor....so bravo beagleman thumbs up!!!

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 12/16/2011 8:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Yay for you Beagleman,

I am happy you are participating in the dating and are feeling better. Slow and steady, one day at a time. You will get there.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 12/16/2011 9:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow, I cannot believe how far you've come in such a short time Beagleman!! It's beyond impressive :D Karen had the right idea with this new thread. The old one didn't quite fit :) You're making huge strides, I'm so happy for you!!

:)
Amber

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." -Barbara Bloom

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/16/2011 8:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, I just read my emails from speed dating. Unfortunately I did not match with anyone, of course I selected all the woman as I seen this as the best chance of getting a date. I guess I still must be projecting myself as too negative or maybe I was not compatible. Anyway, this is not a setback, I see it as another exercise. I guess I did feel very disappointed though, I just need a glimmer of hope to try and build my self esteem and confidence. I guess the woman will never know what they missed out on as any one who has read my posts will know how empathic I am and how much I have to offer. I guess I yearn so much for some intimacy, I know there are many others in a similar position for no fault but unable to connect with woman. In the motivation book I am reading it talks about modelling, copying those that are sucessful, but I do not know any one to model to try and get a relationship. Maybe I am still too depressed to present myself as worthwhile. Also today I returned to the gym, and this was good for me, feel a bit better after training. I must be vigilant to keep on building my self esteem and to all thankyou for your support, I focussed really hard today to keep my depression from taking over and know I must try very hard over christmas as it is distressing for me.

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/17/2011 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, Just checking in. Today I am visiting my sister, she has been extremely supportive of me. Another thing i will be trying in the near future is a love coach. I have checked the rates out and it will cost me $100 per session. Reading about it their service appears similar to a psychologist but I hope I will learn more as i have already done extensive work with my own psychologist over 20 sessions this year and i have learned a lot. I am also looking at some things to do while im on holidays, I want to try some new things. I feel better today after yesterdays let down, I see this as a good thing so I can keep trying knowing I will succeed.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 12/17/2011 1:37 PM (GMT -6)   
You sound so optimistic, I am so happy for that. I hope this new thing is what you want. It never hurts to try something new. I am glad you are open to that. Keep us posted on how you are doing. I am truly happy for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

daisy76
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 12/17/2011 3:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm glad your sister is supportive of you. Happy holidays, hope you enjoy them :)
Amber

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." -Barbara Bloom

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/17/2011 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Beagleman....I am so happy you are putting yourself out there...When you least expect it you are going to find yourself dating. You are so optimistic since I read your 1st post. Keep up the good work. All the best to you/


Take care, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/17/2011 11:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, I feel a bit ashamed today. I visited my sister which was good but cried while visiting. I think talking about my depression as this time did not help. Feel better now, I know I remain fearful of staying single and being alone. My sister was supportive and pleased I am doing so much for myself, but I guess my problem being unable to build any self esteem about relationships. Without a starting point, a first date, holding hands or a kiss I feel like a no one, I just wish I had something to build my confidence. Yes, I am very determined, but I need direction as my lack of abilities hamper me. I hope the love coach will help me, I know it is up to me to show others I am worthwhile but I need direction. To all, thank you so much, every day I struggle with depression, and also struggle with my poor self esteem. I guess I have the knowledge now to know I can still improve myself with help so I am determined to succeed. I told my sister today I conquered anxiety a few months ago and many would think wow thats great, but I am still hard on myself and haven't really seen it as an achievement. Sorry my post is up and down but that is how I feel, struggling, it has been a very hard year.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/18/2011 5:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Beagleman
You are really an amazing person, you are determined, thoughtful, brave,sensitive, loving etc
I have been so impressed with your progress. And crying is a gift, not to be ashamed of...we all have our ups and downs. I had one of those days yesterday, full of self-loathing and why bother attitude. God gives us a new day everyday to grow and learn and youu have done just that. I think you are awesome and if I wasn't married I'd go to the pub with you anytime-lol.

Keep up the good work, I am very proudof you
Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/18/2011 12:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thankyou maggie, I am seeing my psychologist today and I will discuss my progress. Sorry all, my posts at times are very selfish, just about what i want, I guess at times I cant help it. Last night when I was feeling distressed I decided to read my book the new stephen king book, 11.22.63. This helped calm me and i know I must practice mindfulllness as i am very distressed at times. What is so challenging with my depression is not about a loss but not having a relationship. You know I will succeed but to stay depressed for a long time cannot be healthy for me. I am going to try and keep myself busy today and know I will succeed in time.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 12/18/2011 2:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I was five years old on that day. It was the day President Kennedy was assassinated. Is that what the book is about? I ues to read all of his novels. But I don't read very much anymore other than on the internet.

Let us know how the book is. If it is good, I will get it.

Hugs, Karen

PS we all have to be a little selfish sometimes. Things get overwhelming...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9661
   Posted 12/18/2011 2:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hope things go good for you with your psychologists and do keep us informed on how
the love coach is...that sounds interesting...hope it can help...don't go to these things seeking a
realtionship, start with as a friendship, and maybe that friendship can build
into a relationship...eh...worth a new view point...see how many women you can
catch by just dangling the bait...and what about trying out churches they have
singles groups too...maybe join one of those...and maybe meet someone...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/18/2011 9:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all, thanks for your support. I seen my psychologist today, not really a good session but I continue to learn about my issues. I now know I seem to go from distressed to really angry very quick then revert back. I will be trying speed dating again in about 10 days. Meeting singles is very hard where I live, I know there is a lot of singles but very few singles events so I have to meet people out of the area i live which is what i do. I guess this year I have met over 100 woman, and I know many others out there try much harder than me. Next year I will try alot harder. I have tried coffee shops, clubs, singles events and singles groups. I guess I felt bad when my psychologist said you will never get a relatiionship while depressed as I said I wont stop being depressed until I get a relationship. I hope I prove my psychologist wrong as i dont wont to spend a life time being lonely and depressed.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42308
   Posted 12/18/2011 9:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I really think your psychologist is right. You need to be in a good way emotionally and mentally before you go into a relationship. I know that you feel not having somebody is making you depressed. I think it is adding to the depression. But you have to get to the bottom of your depression and help yourself before you can sucessfully have any relationship. So maybe you should be working on you. Though I kind of feel it has been doing you good to get out. I would continue to work on yourself. This will fall into place the way it is meant to be. Have faith in yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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