Gay or damaged?

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imreallytryinghere
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 12/15/2011 2:35 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm having a hard time here... I thought I was healthy now. I saw a therapist for a little over a year and we decided I was ready to venture into the world of interpersonal relationships. I'm getting ahead of myself. First, stats. I'm 22 years old. I'm the guy people go to but who is never consoled. I'm the guy everyone wants to be around when I am around, but is rarely thought of/invited. Emo thing here emo thing there, back to the chase.

My struggle: I'm scared of ending up old and lonely. I'm happy with myself. I yearn to share my personality/values/ambitions/etc with another; but I'm deathly afraid to let anyone close enough to do so.

Love was hard to come by for me. From my upbringing, my love language wasn't really addressed but it is clear to me now that my parents and family love me. This makes it difficult for my family to understand where my struggle comes from. It wasn't untill my first genuine relationship that I experienced the genuine love for my absolute well-being.

I lost that love Feb 14 of 2010. It's complicated but we both ended up hurting each other and she broke it off. I was beyond devastated. I cannot even remember my life, what I did, who I hung around or what the weather was like back then. But all I know now is that it is over. And on a day to day basis, I'm for the most part okay with that.

It has become the best thing that happened to me for I was able to address my past and my flaws without the interference of someone else's love cover them up.

I stand here tonight, a little past midnight, just wanting to connect. I've become far to comfortable with my own independence, with being alone. It is my excuse, my protection from interacting with others. From opening up to those that may hurt me.

It's hard for people to believe I struggle because I'm one of those super introverts that don't appear to be so. I forget the terminology, but I just wish people would pay me the same respect of asking me LEGITIMATELY how I am feeling, since I am always there for others.

I feel now that I am rambling... I'm new to this forum and I don't know if this is in the right place but it helps me to see my feelings down on paper (so to speak) and so I have no regrets posting how I feel. Chances are I'll wake up tomorrow feeling amazing, not narcissisticaly, but just simply amazing because I've come so far and I know that I deserve... well something... anywhos. Feed back would be nice I guess. I'm feeling really out of place... kinda like I've vented and now it's kind of something I can laugh about... but, BUT... I know that this feeling comes and goes so rather than blow it off and say, "hey I was just having a crapty day," that I should stand by and process it. Here it is, sorry for draaaaging on. aaaand post.

imreallytryinghere
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 12/15/2011 2:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow I totally forgot to address the gay/damaged thing... the ordeal is that I like dudes. I feel safe around guys, and I've messed with but one other but it was as empty as it was all physical and we decided to just be friends. Anyways, the attraction still exists, it has for a long time. But I feel as though the breakup tipped the scales for me. And I dare not hurt another by falling into a false rebound/security relationship with him so I'm really just trying to figure myself out. Like I said, I feel damaged. That is all, good night new acquaintances.

kelsrox
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 12/15/2011 4:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Did you enjoy being with a man more than a woman? I'm not trying to be crude. I'm just trying to understand if you are in fact gay, or bi. Your confusion over that may cause the feeling of not having the capacity to love. Maybe since you're trying to figure that out, you are subconsciously blocking other people.

I know the feeling of lacking the capacity to love someone. I am married to a wonderful man. But I.don't think I ever truly loved him or rather, was in love. I still love him, just not in that way. I was in a horrible place when he came into my life and it felt like a God send. But now, I feel that it was what was going on in my life that made me feel like I needed someone. And he filled that void. I've had a lot of things happen to me and I think that has shaped the way I view love. I've become more acquainted with it now, though. And you will, too.

Just because you think you have no reason to be that way, doesn't mean your feelings are any less important. Sometimes, we just don't understand. Other people can see us, better than we can see ourselves.

So it wasn't a nasty breakup or it was just something that both of you needed to happen but its hard to accept? You said on a day to day basis that you're mostly okay with it. Do you really feel that way?

Welcome to the forum!
Kelsey; 25 year old lady suffering from a slew: Depression, Anxiety, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), etc.

Post Edited (kelsrox) : 12/15/2011 3:55:21 AM (GMT-7)


imreallytryinghere
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 12/15/2011 6:04 AM (GMT -6)   
In all honesty, I believe that I am bisexual. A know a lot of people do not think it exists but my life experience taught me that love can be found in the most hopeless places (hehe rihanna), but rather in any means necessary. The truth is, I'm a hopeless romantic who was activated compassionately by an older boy at a critical point in my childhood. I could argue that my upbringing consisted of many nurture-geared events that would direct me to homosexuality, but when I found love in a girl that all changed.

My true belief is that because everyone is capable of love, there is no reason for me to reject sharing love with another man.

I'm equally heartstruck by romantic comedies and gay themed romance films. I'm simply a guy who wishes to share love with another being. When I think about it, yes I want children of my own craft. But at the same time, I feel as tho I would be so connected to a relationship with a man that it would be enough.

You do have a good point and I have often thought about it. I'll admit I dared not pursue another guy until AFTER my breakup. And because it was all physical, it makes me wonder exactly what I was doing. Weather I was coping and compensating or not.

However, I find myself legitimately crushing on my first male prospect. I thought about it and I go goo-goo crazy at the thought of waking up next to this person that which we already share so many connections.

Anyways, addressing your question on my feelings towards the breakup... It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. And I keep telling myself I'm good I'm good but the fact that I need that reassurance begs otherwise.

My most hated saying: If you love somebody let them go. If they comeback they were always your's if they don't they never were.

Now tell me, what happens when two people who truely love each other and decide that they do not wish to hurt each other anymore due to complications out of eachowns control, tell me what happens when the two both believe in this?

This is perhaps where the argument of chivalry presents itself. Rubbish I say. Just as girls proclaim wanting to be swept off their feet by a prince, I too feel the same. There's no fault in wanting to be loved. I was too hurt to turn back and it was selfish to expect that from me.

We met after a little over a year on my request. We are always around each other but I asked to speak with her in person because my birthday was nearing and I had been seeing a therapist for a couple months by then and I felt prepared to confront her. I needed my closure. None of us knew each others side of the story. After the break we went spereate ways and never heard from each other. I found out that she was expecting a call and she found out that I was too devastated to call (or even recall, for up to now as i said originally I really cannot remember much of life after that horrible phone call I got from her).

Some closure huh?

I'm working on it, yes it does come and go. Sometimes I cant wait to go out and meet people. But it seems as though the people my age are not looking for love. They're looking for other things. Someone to tell them they look pretty or that they're not a bad person. Idk. I just don't want to go off saying that I will ahve better luck LATER IN LIFE and then years from now realize I am still saying that I will find someone LATER IN LIFE and end up 40+ and alone.

Another concern is that sometimes I make myself unavailble. And I'm a coward. So going back to the topic... gay/bi/straight... it doesnt matter. As of right now... i feel damaged.

I WANT to be in a relationship. I KNOW what to do now, how to manage expectations, give and take all that jazz. But she was my first and I didn't know about things that I know now. I just wish 2nd chances presented themselves.

Eh... do you believe in soul mates?

Thanks for the welcome. This community seems very understanding. It's nice to reach out to others. It's a different connection that seeing a therapist.

imreallytryinghere
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 12/15/2011 6:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Aha I think my standard for women are... ehh idk how to explain it. Rather I think that I'm just to scared to confront women. Well duh rejection from a woman means she's not intereted. Rejection from a man could mean the same or that he is not into other men. So this prompts me to accuse the women I encounter of being less genuine and seek unhealthy relationships.

This comes me rereading what I posted about... erm well in the paragraph that starts "I'm working on it, yes it..." just saying.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/15/2011 6:22 AM (GMT -6)   
You are still very young (yes, I am an old bag) but I remember being unsure of my sexuality at you age. It is the age of experimentation.

I'm sorry you are feeling so confused/damaged. I don't reallyhave advice for you but give it time.

Welcome to the forum...keep posting..it does really help

Tsake care
maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

greenbean885
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/15/2011 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi,

I'm also 22 and just got out of a relationship with another girl. There are lots of things that play into our relationships with other people. I think you really do just want to be loved like you have said. I know that my relationship was driven by the same feeling (didn't know it until now). I was getting the love I needed from another person and the sex of the person didn't matter anymore. Needless to say, I understand feeling damaged. But, you won't be that way forever with the right help.

When I talked to a professional about my relationship with this girl, he asked if we were physical. He explained a lot to me about how psychologically it shows the need I had to be physically loved and nurtured. You may be experiencing these things with the guy you like... who knows. It takes time to figure it out. I mean, I was in the relationship for two years and it's been over for 3 months and I'm STILL learning deeper things about myself.

I still need reassurance too that I'm ok. Sometimes, I ask my friends if she will regret the way she treated me, just because I want to believe Karma will get her. It's a state of being vulnerable, of questioning things so deeply that you start forgetting what you know or believe. You WILL be ok, even though it doesn't feel that way. I don't feel like I'll be ok, but realistically, I don't have any other options than to be ok. So, I'm working on being ok.

Do you see a therapist? I'm sorry if you already mentioned that, I'm really sleepy.

Jackie_0mg
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 427
   Posted 12/15/2011 9:37 AM (GMT -6)   
have you thought of being bi-sexual i am and i had to figure it out myself because i knew i was looking for love and at one point i tried to be a straight LESBIAN didnt work because thats not me lol. im only 17 but my 1st love was a female she broke my heart but she taught me so much and scuplted me into an open minded human being i thank her ever time i get the chance but females and males are the same i realized there people it doesn't matter if its a woman , man , trani, hermphdite . whatever they emotions like us and they can hurt us so honestly when people are like your bi-sexual and ask me why i am like that i say it;s just a person that i like im in love with there soul more than apperance because apperance change!. have you adressed this felling with your councler. so i just scrolled up and you have the same though process as i .... COOL :) lol but keep your hand up and dont worry about lonley!there are so many people in the world! rember you cant look for love to recive it , it always starts with a friendship (well the best ones do)
UC for 6 1/2 years
had colon removed Oct.10,2011 a laproscopic incession w/ ileo loop (2 surgeries in 1) , temp. ileostomy bag, due for final surgery in December but am going to get it at the end of the school year. use to take 12+ pills a day down to temp. imodium pills :) stoma named Mr.Wiggels

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 12/15/2011 10:17 AM (GMT -6)   
From my point of view (women), I think all men have a hard time interacting with women,
no it's not easy and it does take work but from both. Maybe seek out a marriage counselor
to talk about relationships, (even if your not in one, you might get a better prospect)
Might be worth a try...Is it that your afraid to approach a women, maybe get a book
for better ideas..., Jackie_Omg had some good suggestions...
As for do I believe in a soul mate, NO, there's no one that will be absolutely perfect match we are only
human, maybe your trying too hard and looking for perfection...don't try so hard...
Many well wishes to you and do keep us posted, as we do care....
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 12/15/2011 10:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Give yourself time to figure out your sexuality. You are still young. We can find love at any age. We just have to meet the right person. Yes I do believe in soulmates. I have found mine fortunately. I do think so any way...

I wish you the best. Keep posting and know that we all care and do not judge...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

imreallytryinghere
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 12/15/2011 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh my gosh. You are all amazing people. It feels so nice to put my thoughts and emotions out there and to hear feedback directed to my best interest. From complete strangers nonetheless! I think perhaps I gave up on people... I mean I've processed many things with my therapist and on my own and I've come to the same conclusion I've found now. That people deserve a chance, not everyone will hurt me, etc etc.

I guess I sorta just had a breakdown/set back. I was ignored/abandoned by one of what I thought was my closest of friends and I really didn't know how to manage. It was like the last drop of water that bursted the dam and everything, old/new feelings of abandonment and resent came rushing back.

I know setbacks arent a terrible thing. They are the most anxiety provoking but they also provide opportunity for the best growth. I thought I was dealing with it by not telling anyone. Because in telling others I feel as though I slander their opinion on my wrong-doer and I don't want to be that guy. But I think I was just too afraid to talk about how deeply I was hurt by someone so close.

I love this community. I love that we are all here to help ourselves and others, and that in helping others we help ourselves. Nothing bot good vibes. It's phenomenal. I know I haven't answered directly to some of the inquiries above but that is because I'm processing it all myself and I'm not too sure how I feel. And the tiny threads of ideas/standings on those inquiries I have now, are far from concrete. So I'll when I know for sure, I will in fact provide an answer.

This is amazing. Thank you all for your time and support. I think I'll see if my two-cents can help someone else out here like me during my next break.

Cheers everyone :) many many thanks!

beagleman
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/16/2011 9:49 PM (GMT -6)   
hello, you really sound a lot more positive than me and even sounds you may be happy. I have high regard for your self esteem, your independence, these are assets i desire. You appear to be comfortable with yourself and have confidence to achieve your goals, these are very desirable. I wish I had 10 percent of your confidence and I know you will suceed in relationships. All the best.
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