I'm new here..

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/16/2011 4:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I'm not really sure what I expect by coming on here and sharing my story, but I decided for the time being its better for me to write something that I know others with the same problems may be able to relate to me or help me out in minor ways..
Anyways, I'll start with where I am at right now: I'm 20 years old, a female, and living with my boyfriend and his brother.
All through my childhood my father was an alcoholic. My parents got divorced when I was 12, and I also have an adopted brother who is ten years older than me who luckily had moved out when I was 7 therefore didn't have to deal with much of the divorce issues. After my parents divorce, my mother took me with her about 14 hrs away from my home town where I had lived my whole life up until that point. I was severely shy and iscolated myself for most of the time we lived there, which was breif (about 5 months). Afterwards my mom moved us to a bigger city where co-incidently my father and my brother also lived together. I saw my dad and brother maybe twice a month but lived with my mother full-time across the other end of the city. I'd like to believe my depression began to get stronger at this point (I was 13).
I began to have disordered eating (I think I blamed myself for my father's alcoholism and was afraid of the things I couldn't control in my life at that point) which caused me to be very distant from my mother who worked a lot. I could control the food that I put in my body and what I chose to take out of my body. After living across town, my mother decided to buy a house closer to my father and brother. This helped me a lot, and the school I went to was amazing and I had met some really awesome friends which I still talk to. Life was a bit easier at that point, and my mom had also taken me to a counselor to make sure I was dealing with my feelings. After 2 years and stopping the counceling session all together I entered high school.
At this point I had been visiting my dad on and off, who was still heavily drinking (sometimes when I would visit him). Grade 10 started off great for me, I was for the most part happy, and I was beginning to become more and more distant from my father as I felt I couldn't deal with his addiction anymore. Towards the end of the first semester I had started smoking and taking regularily and my depression started to peak in again. I managed to quit taking  (and have not had ever since), but through the second semester continued to smoke  and skip class. My mom took my to a psychologist who prescribed me anti-anxiety medication, in which I abused until I finished my 4th bottle and my mom decided it wasn't in my best interest to be on medication anymore. All while this was happening my mom had gotten re-married and my new step-dad was living with us.
We moved again, and my relationship with my step-dad was very unhealthy. We were constantly down eachother's throats. That year I started grade 11 at a new school where I continued to smoke pot. My grades lacked and I was very behind. In the middle of the year, I had gotten into a physical altercation with another girl, and that when I decided I did not want to go back to regular school. So I sat around for a few months, and continued to smoke. My mother was unsure of what to do at that point and sick of my behaviour (I was constantly angry, and arguing with her and my step-dad), so she sent me to live with my father.
I lived with my father and brother for about a year, and I think this is where a lot of the recent feelings of depression have stemmed from. My father continuiously drank infront of me and I felt as though I was constantly trying to take care of him in the midst of trying to have a normal teenage life. My brother was married at the time to his first wife, which I witness him abusing her physically. I never reported it, and I still regret it to this day, and try to understand the reasons as to why I never could bring myself to do so (I think it was because I was used to the chaos and afraid of where I would live at that point, as my brother was the main financial provider). My dad tried to commit suicide on one occaison while I was living there, and my brother was there luckily in time to stop it.
After begging my mom to let me live with her again, I moved back in and for the next few years things got better. Over time I had enrolled in online schooling and was working towards finishing my diploma, I was working out at the gym and being consious of my body, and I had quit smoking.
After 3 years, we moved again outside of the city. I continued to do schooling and have a better relationship with my mother. Last year we went on a trip to India and when we had gotten back I had found out that my dad had passed away.
It has been over a year now since he has passed, and it is only now that I feel as though I am starting to feel that his death is real. I no longer talk to my brother as he figured my father's assests were more important that his relationship with me.
I am still working towards getting my diploma, although I am almost done, it is putting a lot of pressure on me. I live with my boyfriend of 1 year and his brother. They both own the house together and neither of them can get approved on my mortgage by themself, so we are stuck in a rut, and I sometimes feel like I make the situation worse. His brother does not acknowledge me and it pains me because I constantly support my boyfriend having a healthy relationship with him.
I also have had problems keeping jobs lately, and feel less of a person because I am still working at jobs that pay very minimum. I feel guilty as my boyfriend financially supports me, even though he says it isn't a problem. Lately I have also felt very unattached to him. The other week I joined a dating site for a few days, and it made me felt wanted again. I had so many messages and people interested in me that it made me feel like I wasn't transparent anymore.
I feel depressed right now because of all of these emotions mixed together, and I'm not really sure how to deal with them. I don't expect anyone to give me the right answers, or pay me much attention, I just needed somewhere to vent where possibly someone could hear me.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/16/2011 9:10:26 PM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/16/2011 5:09 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like the adults in your life created such a chotic atmosphere, it is no wonder you are drifting and lost. Parents are so clueless and self centered sometimes and don't realize the impact their actions have on their children.

I'm going to recommend groupo therapy (maybe al-anon) or counseling...I'm sorry about your dad and it is normal to have conflicting feelings about an alcoholic parent (me too). I think with a little more education and stability, you can be independent of all these people.

I'm glad you posted, you are in a difficult position right now and need to talk it out

Welcome to the forum

Take care and let us know

"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 12/16/2011 5:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Most 20 year olds are somewhat lost as they try to sort out who they are, who they want to be, etc. People change a great deal between 18 and 25 as they "find" themselves and define themselves as adults.

As difficult a time as this can be it is truly sad that you have so much added baggage brought on by your father's behavior.

I urge you to seek professional help in coming to terms and dealing with your feelings towards your father. I truly believe once you have resolved the past many of the pieces of your present will fall into place.

You are of course most welcome to share, vent, etc here but I do hope that you can find your way to see some kind of counselor and that you will let the process work. True healing will not happen overnight and at times it may seem like you are taking two steps back for every step forward but you can come to terms with things and truly heal.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/16/2011 6:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Jim.
I've actually been looking up a few places where I can see a councelor, and plan on really focusing my energy on being where I am now instead of letting the past worry me.

Although I am still young, most of my childhood was spent trying to take care of my father and be there for my mother, so in a sense I have been trying to grow up faster than I should have all my life.

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 218
   Posted 12/16/2011 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome anm_8 :)
I'm fairly new here as well but this is a great forum with really wonderful, caring people.
I'm so sorry you've had such a turbulant childhood and for the loss of your Father. But at least you're reaching out for help now and not much later in life.
I wish you much healing on your journey and hope that the path to wholeness and acceptance stays lit for you.

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." -Barbara Bloom

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 12/16/2011 11:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome anm_8,

I am so glad that you have joined us. You have had a lot on your plate for a long time. It is tine now to take care of you. I hope that you do that. Seeing a counselor is the best idea. You probably have had a lot of emotions flooding into your brain lately. That is natural. You can feel better. Do go to counseling and start your healing journey.

I had to edit your post. We aren't allowed to discuss illegal drugs, suicide or self harm here. I hope you can understand. You might want to take a look at the forum rules so you know what we can and can't talk about.

I hope that you start feeling better soon. Talking here helps a lot. This is a great forum and I am glad that you are a part of it.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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