I dont do this often publicly as usually just in a journal. But i thought getting it out of my system rather than into a journal oh which that taunts me. But maybe this will help with the amount of stress and thoughts lately. I wont mind if this gets deleted due to its content if so is to happen.
Journal Entry One: Tue, Dec 20, 2011
I dont seem to be able to hide my thoughts and emotions as much as i use too, the recurring dreams, the constant Daja Vu. I feel im just living the same nightmare over and over. My sleep has been better but as i wake up i can only remember the same dream as always Austin. Asia. David.
I was suppose to meet again with Austin last week but something came up, i feel he's one of the only ones i can trust but how can i trust someone i fear most? this runs in and out of my head day after day. He changed my world and he's partly the reason i still keep going. I still plan on speaking with him again. I dont know what my come of it but it's something i must do. I remember when i moved here i was in the 8th grade and meet Stephon he was the only reason and connection i had to Him at the time. I recall quite a few stories of how he was before he changed. Before everything became a seeming-less emotional hole. Yet no one saw where it was headed. These's stories and minor rumors were dug deep i dont assume it'll ever be uplifted.
It's been a while ive stopped talking to her and all connections cut, ripped apart by my own hands. Im scared of love. Yet am i not to young to feel such a strong connection with someone, But she was the only one i could go to and talk to; now theres nobody i can fully open myself up too. I hate it, i avoid every hall i can think of she'll be passing though, i cant stand to see her anymore, i still love her but something worth so much to me well i cant change it. I left her and i have to live with it. Asia I love you, I know it'll never work out anymore though and that's that.
Seemingly enough I havent had this darn figure in my head. I havent seen him for a while, until today. I went into the parking lot, there was still puddles from rain that'd passed the earlier day. It was next to my car in the puddle i saw him. I didnt feel anything move, yet again he brought a sense of peace. Something he taunts me with. Something i want. But i dont want to accept it. I love David for the pure image of what my life could have been. But that's all over with, ill need to make a new path. David, Never to be only an image.