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MARYELLEN P COOK
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/21/2011 7:50 PM (GMT -6)   
My best friend, my mum died on April 13, 2011.  She had Pancreatic CA and it was discovered in stage 4.  I work at the VA, so I took FMLA to take care of her.  I was in some kind of strange state during those two months, I made her go into palliative care had her walking after she was bed bound in the hospital for 1 week before "there was nothing they could do" .  I took her to the oncology Dr. she agreed to chemo.  She ate practically nothing during these months and prior months we all thought she had something wrong with her GI track, and I encouraged her to get out of the health system she was in and go and see a GI Dr. that saved my life in 2003.  She promised me she would do this, I kept on her but to no avail.  Long story short, she had two pediatric doses of chemo, and that about did her in, we went for the third, she said no more.  She put herself on hospice and she was gone in a matter of 2 weeks.  I should have forced her to go to UPMC, but I didn't.  We were on the phone on 2/12 after I got home from hell day at work, decided to go shopping on Sunday the 13, my Dad who is 90 called me and told me she was in the hospital.  I rushed up and sat with her, she was on dilauded, out of pain, and said to me "Maybe this time we will get some answers" I think that was the last time I really talked to her waiting for her room in the ED.  I mean after that she was on so much dope, I moved in and slept in the gameroom, got baby monitors, she called out we were all there, she seemed like she was crazy sometimes.  But the next morning she was ok, and always asked if she was bad the night before, I reasured her nothing happen except she was going somewhere and got onto the floor some how.  She would say "really?" Then she would ask me for her percocet, and give me a double she would say to me.  This has been the worst year of my life, I am 48, nothing has ever happened to me that was so devastating like this.  I miss her so much, my Dad is so devastated, today the 21st would have been their 56 wedding anniversary.  We went over and finished decorating the graves, I have put so much into making her grave the best grave, and I am still not done.  I loved her so much, she was alway there, we shopped all the time ate out together all the time gossiped together, we we like as they say peas and carrots.  I don't know how I will get thru the Christmas. Thanksgiving was so so bad.  My Dad & I and my husband.  I tried to make dinner, but my brother who isn't as broken as we are brought him Kentucky Fried Chicken the night before, so my ham went over like a lead balloon, I was so sad when he brought her picture to the table at her seat, no one said a word.  We just cried out for her.  It was 8 month ago on the 13th she left us completely, our first Christmas without the "darn TREE" she always said.  She had the most beautiful ornaments.  I am heartbroken, my work has approved FMLA for me, because I am so down.  I want to be with her, I don't want to die but I just want to laugh and shop and eat out and talk with her again.  I am stupid. 

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 12/21/2011 8:57 PM (GMT -6)   
my upmost of healing compassion to you.


my sincere condolences to you.

~jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 12/21/2011 9:01 PM (GMT -6)   
You are not stupid, you are missing your mum...

Maryellen,

Welcome to the forum. It is only natural that you feel the way that you do. This will be your first Christmas without your mum. It is understandable that you feel the way that you do. It sounds like you have a lot of fond memories of your mother. That is wonderful. Hold on to them tightly. Know that you may feel sad, but that is okay.

If it gets too bad, look into some grief counseling. It does wonders. But if you cry, cry... Let it out and let go. There is nothing wrong with that. IF you laugh, that is even better. Talk about the wonderful moments that you had together. Keep her close to your heart.

Take it one day at a time. Try to go with the flow of things and try to stay in the now if you can. But if your mind drifts to your mother, enjoy it.

Hugs, Karen
 
I almost forgot, today is my and my husband's anniversary too!!!
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 12/22/2011 2:12 AM (GMT -6)   
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE JAMIE :-)
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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