My best friend, my mum died on April 13, 2011. She had Pancreatic CA and it was discovered in stage 4. I work at the VA, so I took FMLA to take care of her. I was in some kind of strange state during those two months, I made her go into palliative care had her walking after she was bed bound in the hospital for 1 week before "there was nothing they could do" . I took her to the oncology Dr. she agreed to chemo. She ate practically nothing during these months and prior months we all thought she had something wrong with her GI track, and I encouraged her to get out of the health system she was in and go and see a GI Dr. that saved my life in 2003. She promised me she would do this, I kept on her but to no avail. Long story short, she had two pediatric doses of chemo, and that about did her in, we went for the third, she said no more. She put herself on hospice and she was gone in a matter of 2 weeks. I should have forced her to go to UPMC, but I didn't. We were on the phone on 2/12 after I got home from hell day at work, decided to go shopping on Sunday the 13, my Dad who is 90 called me and told me she was in the hospital. I rushed up and sat with her, she was on dilauded, out of pain, and said to me "Maybe this time we will get some answers" I think that was the last time I really talked to her waiting for her room in the ED. I mean after that she was on so much dope, I moved in and slept in the gameroom, got baby monitors, she called out we were all there, she seemed like she was crazy sometimes. But the next morning she was ok, and always asked if she was bad the night before, I reasured her nothing happen except she was going somewhere and got onto the floor some how. She would say "really?" Then she would ask me for her percocet, and give me a double she would say to me. This has been the worst year of my life, I am 48, nothing has ever happened to me that was so devastating like this. I miss her so much, my Dad is so devastated, today the 21st would have been their 56 wedding anniversary. We went over and finished decorating the graves, I have put so much into making her grave the best grave, and I am still not done. I loved her so much, she was alway there, we shopped all the time ate out together all the time gossiped together, we we like as they say peas and carrots. I don't know how I will get thru the Christmas. Thanksgiving was so so bad. My Dad & I and my husband. I tried to make dinner, but my brother who isn't as broken as we are brought him Kentucky Fried Chicken the night before, so my ham went over like a lead balloon, I was so sad when he brought her picture to the table at her seat, no one said a word. We just cried out for her. It was 8 month ago on the 13th she left us completely, our first Christmas without the "darn TREE" she always said. She had the most beautiful ornaments. I am heartbroken, my work has approved FMLA for me, because I am so down. I want to be with her, I don't want to die but I just want to laugh and shop and eat out and talk with her again. I am stupid.