I was so glad to be able to spend time at home with my family for a few days. Now, it is back to the grind of work... woohoo! I have a couple thoughts that I just needed to get out because I don't want them staying in my brain so that I can obsess over them... so here goes.
I feel like the Paxil has started helping me a bit, but it either is still "fresh" in my system or I do need the Xanax like the doctor suggested. Whenever I take the exit from the interstate back into this small town, I feel like the life is sucked out of me & I get very shaky. I still find I'm obsessing a little more than I'd call normal (though normal is such a weird word) so maybe it just takes more time?
I have had to postpone my CASA training. I have already missed a training session due to therapy and our session tonight was cancelled as well. The last session is (of course) my next counseling session and my mental health is priority right now. I am a little worried about this because I had planned on CASA taking up much of my free time.. Now, I won't train till spring.
I worry about losing my job a lot too, which is quite silly. I perform well and have never had any threats of losing my job; I think it is the anxiety.
All of my things from ex are still at a friend's house. I feel like I can't bring myself to get them... I don't know why I feel this way, it's just like I don't want to see it. I already found the hurtful note she returned to me & I guess I just don't want to be reminded of all the other things. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety, so I wanted to get that out too.
When I was at home, I didn't think about my ex at all. I liked it alot! I saw old friends, had laughs, actually SLEPT! The minute I realized I had to come back, stomach issues started to kick in and I was begging my parents to help find excuses I could stay. It's so silly... I'm not like that at all! My dad says that he could tell my OCD was a bit better but that he also thought it was being at home, around people that "even me out" and keep me busy. I am less & less concerned (more trusting I hope) that Karma will come around and get her.
I know that is not a good way of thinking, and that worries me too. I don't want to have ill wishes upon someone, but when you get treated like I did, it's nearly impossible to find that strength. I remember Pope John Paul II was able to forgive a man who tried to assassinate him... what a great example of forgiveness. I'm working on it, but it's taking some time. Just remind me that she isn't happy please. That happy people don't act like she has/is & that they don't turn to drugs like she is. It makes me feel less crazy to hear it from others. Like I'm not telling myself BS.
A friend of mine who was getting married in October now found out she is pregnant and has pushed the wedding up until April. I am supposed to be in this wedding, which is great, but I should have hit the gym 6 months ago for an April wedding! Also, that gives me less time to get the money together for the expenses of a bridesmaid... anxiety over weight & money! And I'm a little bit jealous that she is younger than me and will be married & have a child... how silly, right???
Overall, it was a good break and I am going to do my best to remain hopeful & positive. I hope that getting out my anxious thoughts will help with the feelings.