Wife is depressed over being unhappy in our marriage

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Jay PA
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/27/2011 6:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi this is my first time to the site. My name is Jonathan.  I am looking for some insight to help my wife of 26 years and for myself. She wrote me a letter and an email today that ended like this:
 
 
The Letter:
 

Well here is to my end of the year evaluation. My life is shot to hell. I am here to serve others besides myself. My life is to be without passion and love. I am just here. I exist so that you and kids can be happy. I exist for the church to have someone else to blame for their dysfunction. Again, I am just here.

My real question is why I cannot be satisfied. I should happy. My husband adores me. My children are good and I should be happy. I have an opportunity to become a professor. It should be enough. There is nothing wrong with you. Everything is wrong with me.

 

Then the Email:

Jonathan:

I am sending this email to end out conversations concerning this. Look honey, I just wrote this letter so I could express my feelings that’s all. Truthfully, the ministry God gave to me has been destroyed. Our marriage is destroyed and my life is destroyed. Why would I expect you would destroys yours? Things are not going to change between us. I know you are sorry and all the explanations that you are trying to say but nothing is going to change. So just let it go.

I am just really depressed right now and have been depressed for months. I just think maybe I need to see someone before this gets out of hand.

I gave her the number to a psychogist that we both have used before. We are both pastoring together. I love her very much. She wants to end our marriage to free herself and be happy becasue me and kids are happy. She talks about wanted to end her life at times becasue could not leave the kids. (5 kids 15 - 25years old) Problems have been ongoing for about 12 years. Periods of her being happy then followed by long periods of being very unhappy.
 
 

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 12/27/2011 6:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Jay,

My best advice at this point is to try to:

Get your wife into counseling and
Get your wife into her family doctor.

The first is probably pretty self explanatory. The second is because it is very possible that at least part of her issues may be caused by hormonal issues.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
Moderator Depression Forum.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/27/2011 6:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jonathan,

I think that this problem lies within your wife and how she wants to approach getting better. I don't think it is anything that you have done, she just sounds to me to be very unhappy. But I am sorry she can't try to get better with you. She must feel she needs to be alone to do this. I am seeing this happen more and more on this forum. People getting depressed and leaving their partner to get better. They feel that is the only way that they are going to get well. I would take this one day at a time. Wait and see what happens. Hopefully she will see the psychologist before she makes her decision to leave.

Peace be with you... Welcome to the forum...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 12/27/2011 7:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with what Jim and getting by said, make an appointment with a counselor for your wife,
then see if it's helping, then make a regular doctor's check up and if that's all good, then maybe have
your wife take an extended vacation from ministry...The Ministry profession is to me one of the hardest
jobs out there, especially in this economy...some of her visits with church members must have
gotten to her somehow...so give your wife a break from this work load....and help her make new goals for her life
in what she wants to do differently....and consider asking her doctor for depression medicines, they have so many
wonder medicines she can try, that could be help for her....none of this will be easy...but it seems like your wife is
calling you for help, take time off and help her get that help, let her know she comes first and that she
is so important to you and the kids....
Do keep us posted on this, as we do care...many well wishes to you both...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

Subzeromambo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1143
   Posted 12/28/2011 2:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Jim,
Right now I feel similar emotions to your wife's. I am exhausted from decades of taking care of other people: family, friends and our community. I would love to run away and just do things for me for awhile. I still love my husband and family, but over the years I starved my soul to take care of others.
I am not even sure if I have the energy anymore to follow my dreams.
Counseling didn't help, drugs didn't help. At the moment I am researching options about available resources for someone who wants to restart their life at 51.
I hope your wife continues to search for options and that you will support her trying to find her new identity. It won't be easy, but there are many possibilities out there.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 12/28/2011 6:51 AM (GMT -6)   
It is called "caretaker syndrome" and soo many women suffer from it. they spend their lives taking care of the needs of others only to find themselves in their 40s or 50s with not much going on inside their own sould, questioning their identity, especially as children get older. it can feel very empty to us.

Abreak from caretaking and counseling and meds sound like a good thing

You and she are not alone in this struggle.. My psychiatrist warned me of this and sure enough, I have gone into a depression over this issue particularly. Who am I/ What is my purpose here?

I hope you and your wife get some help and know that you are not alone

Maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

Jay PA
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/28/2011 12:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you:

Maggie
Jim
Subzeromambo
Chartreux
Karen

Thank you all for your answers of hope and help. Maggie, you are so right. My wife will be 47 in about six months and since the age of 10 she has been caring for everyone else. We are looking to take at least a year off to get her a rest to do the three things she says that really make her happy:

God
Family
Peace

She says that she is so busy helping others find and follow God she is missing out herself. Our family is loosing our present becasue we are always doing church. And lastly, she does not feel at peace with herself becasue she feels everyone wants more of her-she cannot give anymore.

Thanks

Subzeromambo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1143
   Posted 12/30/2011 4:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Maggie,
It is nice to know I am not alone. Have you found anything in particular that helped? I also have chronic pain from surgical adhesions. This week the pain has been an 8 out of 10. I may be unreasonable but I believe that if we keep searching we will find the tools to build our own identities independent of our earlier roles.
Best wishes,
Szm
Diagnosed 1987 with lower left colitis. Hospitalized often. Mega toxic pan colitis Dec. 1999. Perforated colon and total colectomy April 2011.

sos007
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2011
Total Posts : 615
   Posted 12/31/2011 1:12 AM (GMT -6)   
JayPa...I think Maggie is dead on...an if your wife has been taking care of oothers since the age of 10 no wonder. I think with some time to herself,meds and couneling I think you will see a big change. I will keep you in my prayers, and I wish you all the best.

Bless you, Amy
Chronic Pain(nerve), fibro, mild depression and a few others

Jay PA
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/3/2012 4:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi allm just an update. My wife has used the past days to get some much needed rest and focus on her own self-help. We have had others pick up in some areas of the church and at home. She will be also seeking help in the coming weeks.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 1/3/2012 5:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Jay

I am so glad you stoped by and let us know.. and so glad she is starting to look afterherself a little.

Hey szm-i really don't have any wisdom as I am just realizing now how much of myself I have given up I don't recognize myself anymore. 20 years ago, I was a different person. Of course, we all change as life happens,, life is a dynamic, not static process.My shrink said I needed to start re-establishing another identity outside of my husband and daughter. I need to rediscover some former passions, which of course were always advocating for someone else-LOL-abused animals, children, mentally ill...I guess we don't change so much after all. Shrink said just be careful to not fall into that trap again, sublimating my needs for others. Women of my generation were raised to squash their own needs once they were married etc so it is hard to learn to put ourselves as Number !.

Let ME know szm, if you find any good ways to start over.

Again, good luck to you and your wife Jay and keep us posted.

maggie
"We never realize how strong we are, until being strong is the only thing left"
Major Depressive Disorder, ptsd, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, l3/4, L4/5 gone, bursitis arthritis sciatica

cymbalta seroquel hydrocodone klonopin magnesium potassium

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 1/3/2012 9:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I hope this break from church will help your wife...Thanks for posting an update...just
give your wife the time she needs and don't expect it to be a fast road for her,
as it sounds like she might have fallen very hard into the depression, this will take
time, but she will get better...keep hope and many prayers go with you...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

lonelyandhurt
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/4/2012 10:12 PM (GMT -6)   
why am i so afraid to go outside my house, answer my phone, check my messages, etc....I cant seem to focus on my work anymore, I feel like I'm doing a poor job at it, thank God I'm self employed, or I probably wouldnt even have a job anymore!!!! I use to be able to handle all the stress of owning my business, being a mother of 4, and life in general like it was nothing. Now everything seems to stress me out, and give me panic attacks... I just want to run away from it all sometimes..... My husband doesn't really understand it, things just tend to roll off of him, he doesnt seem to carry stress it seems like its all on me......and everything bothers me me so much I cant even sleep anymore!!! ??? lately i've been wanting to isolate myself from the world and I dont know why!! What is wrong with me???

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 1/5/2012 7:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like good ole depression to me. Do you see a doctor about this? When I am depressed I do the same thing. I don't want to even talk on the phone. I don't want to see anybody or go anywhere. Try talking to somebody about this. Are you going to any counseling? That would help you to face people.

Keep posting. I see you posted two identical posts. That is against forum rules, but I ma going to leave them both as I see you are seeking help.

I hope you feel bettter sooon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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